AIBU to think teacher doesn't know who my ds is?

[ThisIsntMyUsualName]

Ds was 5 in August and currently in yr1. He is currently undergoing assessment for ASD as suggested by his teacher in reception year. He is painfully shy, often goes days without speaking to anyone at school, I had to dress up as a fucking sheep to get him to join in with nativity, if ever asked a question in front of the class he will sit under the table under the teacher has moved into another pupil, you get the picture.

He is also really enjoying school, really interested and really wants to do well. This year they are getting weekly homework. We get a big list of things and pick two things of it each week to do. The other weekend we visited a castle and one of the homework tasks was to do a picture and write three facts about an interesting building.

Homework is marked on Friday while they're doing PE. They come in from PE and ds is asked to present his castle work to the class. He hides under the table. Teacher tells him unless he reads his sentences he'll have a dojo (points system that we can access online) taken away. He continues to hide and has dojo taken away. When I collect him he has clearly been crying for a long time, was blotchy and couldn't tell me what the matter was. Teacher tells me he was being uncoorperative and had dojo taken away.

When I get home I write a polite email asking if she is aware ds is being assessed for asd and that he has never spoken in front of class and that he struggles with shyness. Teacher responds saying I'd chosen the homework which was to present 3 facts about a building to the class. Fair enough, I'd misread it and assumed it was just writing 3 facts about it.

Now, to this week. Everyday this week he has had at least one dojo a day taken away from him for being disruptive. I've asked him about it and he's gotten upset and insisted he didn't know he'd had them removed and said he'd been really good. I've never known him to lie but emailed teacher again asking for clarification. Asked maybe he wouldn't join in with something which was being disruptive. She emailed back saying he kept talking when she was talking, kept tickling another child (he has never willingly touched anyone, ever) and kept singing when they are supposed to be being quiet.

Wtf am I supposed to say to that? The child doing that isn't my ds! There is absolutely no way. Is there a polite way of saying you've got him muddled up with someone else?

I wouldn't ask her if she has the wrong child, I would express amazement that your child is so different in class to how he has always been, and point out that this is a huge development in a child with suspected ASC. His referral information needs to be updated so that the child development centre can get a full picture of his presentation.
Then you'll get to the bottom of it, one way or another.

I am sorry but unless you are sitting in on the lessons how on earth do you know the teacher is marking the lessons during PE? Additionally you give a blow by blow account of what the teacher said and did at other times, where do you get the information from?
I understand your concern for your child but think you need to hear the teachers side of the story and not perhaps the recount of a 5 year old child, also speaking directly to the teacher would give you a better indication and you could gauge her reaction. Wondering also if she is a newly qualified teacher?

I assume the senco knows him from last year? Just wondering if it would be possible for her to observe him. You could then get an accurate report and make sure it's the right child. If you were there it would likely alter his behaviour if he is acting differently at school.

It might not be that she's confused as to who DS is, it might be that she's confused as to who you are iyswim?

Like if you're Annie Smith but some other mother is Anne Smythe and she's got a mental picture of her in her head when responding to your email?

I think the best way forward is a one-on-one meeting, explaining that you're confused as the challenges you were told about in YR are totally different to these ones and you've been trying to support a child who doesn't speak, not one who is chatty and disruptive.

Ideally this meeting should have been arranged for you but I guess the first couple of weeks are very hectic and maybe that level of support can't be expected any more. :/

Don't worry about being 'that parent'! 'That parent' is the one whose child we always know. Any bitching in the staffroom (and, really, there isn't much- we don't have time!) is generally with begrudging respect.

I'm replying to a few 'that parent' emails right now, and it's a good thing!

I often think back, though, to that time when I taught two students with exactly the same name. Both were from poor, uneducated families, and both had parents we never saw. They were both nice boys, who were very quiet, and had black hair and brown skin of a similar shade. Neither of them caused anybody any trouble (in an Inner London comprehensive where a lot of students did), and they would have submitted coursework for a lot of different subjects. They would have sat a lot of exams at exactly the same time. One of the boys was very bright, and one of the boys was significantly less academically able. When the results came in, both boys seemed to be pretty average (though, you know, it was hard to tell which one was which). I can't believe that a number of their results didn't get mixed up.

Blow by blow account comes from ds so obviously there could be mistakes. The rather sparse information teacher gave me last week when handing me my sobbing child seemed to confirm it though.

I'm sure there are cases of kids behaving very differently at school and home. However, for my ds this would be a complete personality transplant. I have to warn him if I'm going to give him a cuddle or he runs and hides. There's just no way he'd willingly tickle someone. I've also never heard him even attempt to sing a song .

Hopefully the teacher seeing us together on Monday will clear things up. I'm not good at confrontation though so really hoping she won't insist that he was doing these things.

Wrt Senco, it's a tiny village school (ds is in a class of 17, so again surprised she hasn't learnt who's who in 3 weeks) and senco only turns up about once every few weeks. She's due in for the first time this term next week and has promised to have meeting with ds's new teacher then (I'm trying my best to find out exactly when so I can be there but she's not the most cooperative).

Sorry, I know this doesn't have much relevance to what your asking but I have to point out that I think you totally deserve mum of the year award for dressing up as a sheep in order for him to do his nativity!

heartstrings it wasn't a strong look for me!

I can imagine lol but I applaud you

If it is a small school, please contact the head and ask for a meeting with her or the senco to discuss writing an IEP (individual education plan) for your son. With or without a diagnosis, he has the right for adaptations to be made to allow him to access the curriculum.

For example, my DS (6, currently being assessed too) has an iep that explains how hard he finds transitions and gives guidance to staff about how to support him. It includes behaviour strategies very specific to him.

Some of the children I teach (secondary) have things like 'must sit at the end of a row', 'must have direct line of sight to whiteboard', 'needs to leave lesson before bell' etc. My point is that school can and should be supporting your son better.

Good luck

That doesn't make sense. The school should have a Senco there, even if they work part time.

Op you haven't responded to suggestions regarding Selective mutism? My DS has both, it's important both are recognised where they Co exist as support strategies differ.

Another one here that thinks you're a legend for dressing up as a sheep! Did you make the costume yourself?!

Sorry oldbirdy. TBH I don't know much about selective mutism. A quick google suggests that should definitely be something that I need to mention to the Senco lady. I'd never really heard of it before and because of the word 'selective' in it I had assumed that it was something kids chose to do. Google suggests (please correct me if I'm wrong!) that it's actually mutism caused by fear which definitely sounds more like ds.

Thanks a lot for that. When researching asd after reception teacher suggested having him assessed asd did seem to tick a lot of boxes. But selective mutism sounds even more like ds and I'm really surprised senco hasn't mentioned it as a possibility.

hungry it's an academy school run by a school foundation that covers 7 small schools in the area. There is one senco to cover all 7 schools. There are or to one assistants who come in to help a couple of other kids in the school a few times a week but won't help ds until he is properly assessed. Which senco is apparently doing but very slowly.

I have mentioned to senco the possibility of having him assessed privately but apparently if it's done privately it won't necessarily be an accepted diagnosis so any help may not be funded.

"selective" refers to the mutism only appearing in certain situations not others, NOT to the child "selecting" when they are mute.

It is quite often misinterpreted as autism as autism is better "publicised" and superficially the presentation can be similar. It's quite common - 1 in 140 children - but few teachers are well trained and even fewer understand that you don't have to be completely silent in school to have SM.

ThisIsntMyUsualName. My son was assessed privately and the diagnosis was accepted by school and our county council.

The lady who assessed my son used to work for the NHS which helped I think. My son was already being seen by a community paed but was on a 18 - 24 months waiting list for the autism assessment so he saw someone privately. I then sent the report to the NHS paed who 'accepted' the diagnosis by letter so we had diagnosis from the NHS. In my area doctors don't mind doing this as the waiting lists are so long!
Ask at local support groups- or of you are in Herts I can recommend- for private assesors . Facebook is a good place to find local ASD groups.

I'd be very interested to hear the outcome of this situation

I'll update on Monday luckiest after meeting teacher.

Having taught SEN I want to punch her fucking lights out

I hope you never fucking taught my child.

Having taught SEN I want to punch her fucking lights out

I hope you never fucking taught my child

Me too, existential...

OP - this might be a situation for using the tinkly laugh approach: "Mrs Teacher, I'm a bit confused as it appears that DS has lost Class Dojo points for things like tickling another child. This would be really unusual behaviour for him, as he always avoids physical contact even with us. It sounds more like there has been a mistake in the system - easy to make in the first few weeks at school!"

Wow about the one Senco for several schools. I didn't think you were lying, but I couldn't understand it. Still can't.

Personally, I would try and wait for the NHS diagnosis. You may find the money saved will be well spent later on on things like a private ed psych assessment or OT.

What's the usual thing for a senco then? Should there be someone that should be around the school more regularly? Sorry for being dense, he's my first dc to start school so I don't know what the norm is. Are there any regulations about this or is it all out the window like every other bloody thing because it's an academy?