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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to tell him to pack his bags and tell him to f*** off with his chatroom scummy mummy?

141 replies

babyno5 · 15/09/2017 00:11

Long story short-this week I have discovered my partner of 14 years and father of my children has formed an online relationship (yep he's declaring undying live for her even tho she's 24 years his junior and he's never actually met her!). I have spent the week calmly gathering evidence but tomorrow morning I intend sending him a series of texts. First one telling home to collect his bags followed by the evidence I have gathered.
My sister thinks I'm being unreasonable as he hasn't actually slept with her!! Personally I find no this worse and more of a betrayal

OP posts:
KH369 · 15/09/2017 12:28

Cheating is cheating in my book. Whether physical or not, he's declaring he loves her. That is flat out worst case cheating/betrayal. If i were in your position i wouldn't have even waited before throwing him out, I'd have his bags packed with essentials only and taken the rest to charity, all while having the locks changed

AnotherShirtRuined · 15/09/2017 12:39

So in effect he checked out of your marriage years ago by denying that anything was wrong, and nothing you said could convince him otherwise. Then he cheats on you.

What a horrible situation for you to be in, OP, but you really will be better off without him, if nothing else then emotionally as the last few years must have been so draining for you. And so will your children once the dust has settled as he seems capable of being a decent father despite not being married to their mother, if his relationship with his ex and their son is anything to go by. You deserve someone much better than him, and your children deserve to see their mother properly appreciated.

aaaaargghhhhelpme · 15/09/2017 12:44

Well done on the text and call. Sending you lots of strength for the weekend.

Personally i think emotionally cheating is worse. His heart and heads in another place. Always come back if you need more support Flowers

PollyFlint · 15/09/2017 12:45

How is your marriage.

Well, her husband's declared his love for a woman half his age that he's never met, so my guess is that it's not great. Hmm

YANBU to leave him, OP. The declaration of love, for me, would be just as much a betrayal as extramarital sex. Possibly worse, actually.

Original poster
babyno5 · 15/09/2017 12:46

Thank you AnotherShirtRuined I know staying in this relationship is not teaching my children what a healthy relationship shoukd be like. There's a part of me who is looking forward to being 100% there for my children and enjoying some spontaneity with them. I know it will be hard work but not the stress I have been living with (he even hates the furniture being changed around!! 😂😂) Xx

OP posts:
Original poster
babyno5 · 15/09/2017 12:47

Thank you aaaaargghhhhelpme xxx

OP posts:
Therealslimshady1 · 15/09/2017 12:53

I would not do it via text, so what if he sees you upset? Would that not maybe help him.understand what he has destroyed?

AnotherShirtRuined · 15/09/2017 13:03

If the DH has disregarded the OP's emotions for years I can completely understand her desire to keep her strength and not let him see her upset. Also it would be a small dose of his own medicine having emotionally withdrawn from her over the last few years.

Do what feels right to you, OP, and what you are most comfortable with.

AcrossthePond55 · 15/09/2017 13:47

You've said you aren't married to him? So I'm assuming no joint finances then. But if there are, you need to sort that pronto.

As far as uprooting the children, are you living in 'his' house or a jointly owned one?

Original poster
babyno5 · 15/09/2017 14:03

We jointly own the house but I can afford the mortgage on my own.

OP posts:
PigletWasPoohsFriend · 15/09/2017 14:05

Then it will need to be sold. It could have to be anyway depending upon the terms of the arrangement of the deeds.

Original poster
babyno5 · 15/09/2017 14:24

@pigletispoohsfriend I think you'll find it will only "have to be sold" if he insists on it! Given he didn't do this to his ex wife (who cheated on him) I have no reason to believe he will do it to me. But thank you for your kind thoughts x

OP posts:
PigletWasPoohsFriend · 15/09/2017 14:26

Difference is with exW they were married. The laws are very different.

As hard as it is you need legal advice.

Original poster
babyno5 · 15/09/2017 14:31

The difference is he was generous and despite his betrayal to me he does love be his children and has been a good father.
He has now said he will move to his dad's so there is no upheaval. So if neither want the house sold and the mortgage keeps being paid and he doesn't want any equity I fail to see why it 'must' be sold.
Of course I will be taking legal advice as there are wills and pension implications too

OP posts:
PigletWasPoohsFriend · 15/09/2017 14:57

You have said you can't afford the mortgage though so who will be paying It?

You aren't married so don't have the same rights over finances, as unfair as that may be. That's the law

Original poster
babyno5 · 15/09/2017 15:01

If you read back you will see I said I CAN afford the mortgage

OP posts:
PigletWasPoohsFriend · 15/09/2017 15:08

Ah sorry my fault. Can you buy him out?

Original poster
babyno5 · 15/09/2017 18:10

Not in a position to buy him out as there is a lot of equity in the house - joys of living in SE. We have spoken fave to face and he doesn't want the house sold so the kids have less upheaval. He is moving out on Monday.
He's currently creeping round the house gazing wistfully into space.
I feel very proud of how controlled I've been as conscious how much the kids will need me. Can't tell you how proud I am of my 16 year old daughter. She has been amazing today/particularly with her younger siblings.
I know we will all be ok. Just need to take it day by day.
Thank you gourgeous Mumsnetters. This has been my first ever post in 10 years of being an MN and your advice, support and live has helped get me through a shitty day xxx

OP posts:
AnotherShirtRuined · 15/09/2017 18:32

It seems as though you are handling a bad situation very well indeed. I'm glad to know that you have the RL help and support of your eldest daughter. She sounds a wonderful girl, and no wonder you're proud of her. Hopefully others will rally round as well. Good luck with everything and please come back if you need more support as I'm sure things will be difficult for a while yet.

SleepingStandingUp · 15/09/2017 19:11

At least in this he is being a decent father.

Good luck OP, it will get easier x

AcrossthePond55 · 15/09/2017 19:24

Sounds to me as if you have this well in hand!!

I'm glad you can afford the mortgage on your own. There's nothing like having your own financial independence!

I know you say he's a kind man, but I'd want something in writing regards to selling/not selling the house. Something similar to a Mesher order. He may be kind, but you don't know that he might get involved down the line with someone who is NOT so kind and she might try to make things difficult.

As far as pensions, I'm not in the UK so don't know how that works. But if you aren't married do you have pension rights? I ask because when my cousin divorced she signed off on her rights to her ex's pension in exchange for him signing the house over to her and giving up his 'share'. There were some calculations done by the lawyers on house value vs equity vs life expectancy vs pension amount, I don't remember the specifics. If you have pension rights, maybe something similar might work in your favour wrt the house?

isadoradancing123 · 15/09/2017 19:26

Omg of course it is just as bad as if he slept with her, it is emotional betrayal and presumably the intention is there

coconuttella · 16/09/2017 00:00

There is also not enough information on the 'emotional affair' or chatting shit to an internet random, for people to be spouting cliches and declaring LTB. Easy to say from the comfort of your armchair.

I agree... The relationship was clearly in a bad way before this, devoid of much affection. The fact he was spouting off into the ether that is the Internet to someone who could have been anyone makes this more pathetic and pitiful rather than a huge betrayal. His online chatting is to love is what porn is to sex. It's clearly very unhealthy and indicative of a failing relationship and a lack of connection with his DP. Moreover the OP is being reasonable in deciding to end of the relationship based on this and the way it has been falling apart over the past years. However, some of the more outraged "omg, what a bastard, you must change the locks now!" responses imply there's been a more tangible affair rather than this sad internet fantasy.

Viviennemary · 16/09/2017 00:08

Of course this is very hurtful. But no way is it the same as real-life affair. This woman might not even exist and could be an OAP in a chat room for all you know. It's a total fantasy like one of us thinking it might be nice to be carried off by Jamie from Outlander. It's not real.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 16/09/2017 00:10

Hope she's a catfish and a man. Karma and all that.

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