Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

AIBU to tell him to pack his bags and tell him to f*** off with his chatroom scummy mummy?

141 replies

babyno5 · 15/09/2017 00:11

Long story short-this week I have discovered my partner of 14 years and father of my children has formed an online relationship (yep he's declaring undying live for her even tho she's 24 years his junior and he's never actually met her!). I have spent the week calmly gathering evidence but tomorrow morning I intend sending him a series of texts. First one telling home to collect his bags followed by the evidence I have gathered.
My sister thinks I'm being unreasonable as he hasn't actually slept with her!! Personally I find no this worse and more of a betrayal

OP posts:

nauticant · 15/09/2017 11:07

I know.

SleepingStandingUp · 15/09/2017 11:16

Sorry nauticant I read it as you picking me up on it as in why did standing pat such a stupid comment. And I got defensive.

nauticant · 15/09/2017 11:19

No worries, I could have been clearer.

TakeAnadin · 15/09/2017 11:27

Twerp.It's probably a bloke called Kevin with a hairy arse. I would dump him because he's an idiot.

Original poster

babyno5 · 15/09/2017 11:32

Sitting in tears-not at the lack of empathy from some. That is water off a dicks back to me.
I sent the texts which resulted in him calling and telling me I "had the wrong end of the stick". I quite calmly told him that I hadn't and hung up.
He has now text to say will I allow him to stay until Monday to sort out a few things. I have said yes subject to certain conditions. He has apologised for "crossing a line" and causing me pain.
I know he won't be difficult with the break up as I have watched how generous he has been with his time etc with his ex wife and my step son.
No things weren't great before but he was the one who withdrew from me. I'm outgoing and wear my heart on my sleeve. I've always suspected he was "on the spectrum" as he is exceptionally measured in everything he does (up until now).
Thank you for all your messages of support xx

OP posts:

FrenchJunebug · 15/09/2017 11:34

You made the right decision. Look after yourself.

LexieLulu · 15/09/2017 11:35

OP, well done for being strong.

Can I ask, what is he messaging her on?

I only ask because years back I worked on chat sites, the person he's in love with might not even be a real woman!

Fool your husband if that's the case, he's in love with someone who doesn't exist! No fool like an old fool x

NotMissFox · 15/09/2017 11:41

YANBU. Doesn't matter if she is not real (she might be). The emotional betrayal is huge. A friend of mine experienced this.

In her 60's her hubby fell for an online love rival half his age. What happened next was her hubby started sending the young lady money, to the tune of £15,000 of their very carefully nested savings (older retired couple with good savings and nest eggs).

My friend then went about taking all the necessary financial steps to cut his b.....alls off, starting with changing her Will to remove him and leave her bequests to her children only, and then changing her bank account etc. They are currently living "separate lives" within the same house but she is also taking steps to divorce him and leave ...... and present him with the divorce papers and news about the rearranged Will and finances all as part of her final showdown surprise !!!

Your other half may or may not have been drawn into financially supporting this cyber babe love rival (yet) ...... but his head is there obviously and his heart is not in the right place (clearly he doesn't give two figs or concern about his own biological children which he has with you).

It is easy to get sucked into an online cyber affair ...... when domestic life and kids mess and domestic duties are all a bit too boring (for him) ...... but a person does kind of actually have to go looking for it and having found his "cyber babe" online he has then willingly and voluntarily chosen to continue to pursue the affair (for months) to the point of declaring his love for her.

His head is in the clouds, his heart is not in the relationship with you.

Hit him where it hurts -- financially (!!!).

Throw him out with a bath towel and a few clothes and say good riddance.

Original poster

babyno5 · 15/09/2017 11:42

He started talking to her on Swift chat (which I'd never heard of!) originally. But now they talk on kik. His profile on Swift is unrecognisable as him. This is a man who never swears and has never ever sent me a suggestive text in 14 years together. Sex happened infrequently and conventionally with the lights off! Sorry for the oversharing but I'm just trying to explain how alien his behaviour is xx

OP posts:

LagunaBubbles · 15/09/2017 11:48

Most men are awful creatures. Really sly and underhanded

Oh my and to think some people say its a myth MN is full of bitter men hating women eh?

LexieLulu · 15/09/2017 11:48

This sounds like one of those sites! The KIK thing should then be suggested as I think they can't track/find the woman messaging. I think this probably would have been a step to get money, groundwork.

Those sites, they work by the woman having a profile, on her profile it will list everything about the woman hobbies/weight etc (all lies) then a person who works on chat sites can log in and pretend to be that girl.

People who work on the chat are told to encourage meet up talk, but never arrange to meet. "Like I can't wait to be able to have sex with you" etc... but loads of excuses why they can't.

Do you have access to your husbands bank to see if he's bought credits to use these sites?

LagunaBubbles · 15/09/2017 11:49

Hope youre OK baby.

RP23 · 15/09/2017 11:50

Definitely tell him to do one. Emotional affairs are as bad as physical. He's a twat.

LexieLulu · 15/09/2017 11:50

My friend did these sites for a year or so, and she introduced me to them. I handled a week or two, but it was shocking the stuff I learnt! A lot of men are on them who have wives and are honest about it.

JonSnowsbuttocks · 15/09/2017 11:51

He sounds really like my partner. I'd be shocked also to discover he was having any type of affair. I'm sorry this is so hard for you. Do you think he will try and explain why he has acted this way? It's tragic this man now has 5 kids he won't be living with all for something as stupid as an online affair.

AnotherShirtRuined · 15/09/2017 11:54

Raspberry I am not blaming the OP in the least for her DH's cheating. That is all on him and his own poor choices. Any decent person would have ended the marriage before getting involved with someone else, which he has clearly failed to do.

All I am saying is that perhaps there is more to the story and the marriage than the DH's infidelity. For someone to find their spouse as boring as the OP has said surely indicates that the marriage has been dead or close to for a while, which both spouses must have known. And if both parties have been aware of this but done nothing to rectify the situation, they are also both to blame for the marriage ending irregardless of one party's cheating. From the OP's own posts she seems to admit as much. The DH, however, is fully and completely responsible for the nasty way in which the marriage comes to an end because he decided to cheat.

I have recently been a close witness to a similar situation. Only the wife was unaware that her husband was dissatisfied with their marriage and it came as a complete shock when he left her for another woman. The situation for the OP seems different in that she was well aware of the marriage suffering and - possibly - did nothing. As did her husband, apart from looking elsewhere which, of course, is much worse.

AnotherShirtRuined · 15/09/2017 11:59

I took a long time composing my post so x posted with the OP. It puts a completely different light on the situation if he was the one to withdraw from you and not a mutual situation kind of thing.

I am so sorry for what you are going through and wish you and your children all the best.

Original poster

babyno5 · 15/09/2017 12:03

Over the last 4 years I have tried to tell him the relationship is in a bad place but he refused to acknowledge this. No I didn't force "the end" as I didn't want to have to uproot the children from their home and he wouldn't leave because he "didn't see the problem"

OP posts:

littlebird7 · 15/09/2017 12:04

It would be pretty damning to me too, but I would always tell him face to face and at least speak about it quietly before leaving. Even with evidence, you need to completely sure no?

An emotional relationship is just as bad as any other, and I wish you well sorry you are going through this

SleepingStandingUp · 15/09/2017 12:06

So sorry OP but for having the courage to confront him x

user1487689176 · 15/09/2017 12:13

Good on you OP. You deserve better. I bet this OW is a hairy-knuckled trucker from Hull. Or a couple of bored teenage lads. Your ex partner will realise way too late the value of what he foolishly threw away, and you will be long gone living your fabulous new life.

Purplemeddler · 15/09/2017 12:14

Wow. Just wow"" surprised at the awfulness of above comment

It wasn't awful. Infidelity is NOT the worst thing that can happen to a marriage. I know some people think so. My aunt did and divorced my uncle. My mother, who was in an emotionally abusive relationship but stayed in it for many years because of finances, thought she was mad. A violent or emotionally abusive relationship IS worse than a boring one. Being a bit like housemates is not necessarily that terrible if you rub along ok. I know some people need passion and fireworks in their relationship but not everyone is the same.

My comment was not awful. It was coming from a different perspective. Heaven forbid that anyone doesn't toe the party line on MN!

gunsandbanjos · 15/09/2017 12:16

So sorry you're going through this.

The karmic part of me hopes he's a victim of the romance scams that are quite prevalent right now. Would serve his scummy ass right.

Subtlecheese · 15/09/2017 12:18

If she is real or not. If he is in love or not. These are red herrings. He doesn't care enough about his partner and children to address the "problems" and try to work through it. He'd rather chase a fantasy.
Sorry this is where you're at, you're being strong, even if you're not feeling it x

Zaphodsotherhead · 15/09/2017 12:21

It happened to me - in a similar way.

XH withdrew, finally confessed to having 'fallen in love' with a woman he only knew from a distance. He confessed undying love to her in an email, told her he'd be happy to move in with her once he'd moved out of our home.

Poor woman was traumatised, had never even so much as spoken to him alone or had a coffee or anything. We tried to repair our relationship, but it was symptomatic of his desire to move on. He said I was 'boring and restrictive' (I was raising five kids and trying to keep a roof over our heads, that's why).

I don't think it's fixable, is what I'm trying to say. However much you talk and try to repair things, it's still in the back of his mind that he can find 'fun' elsewhere. Get out, for your sanity, OP. Let him discover what a cold, hard place the world can be, when you lose your comfortable cushion...

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Swipe left for the next trending thread