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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to tell him to pack his bags and tell him to f*** off with his chatroom scummy mummy?

141 replies

babyno5 · 15/09/2017 00:11

Long story short-this week I have discovered my partner of 14 years and father of my children has formed an online relationship (yep he's declaring undying live for her even tho she's 24 years his junior and he's never actually met her!). I have spent the week calmly gathering evidence but tomorrow morning I intend sending him a series of texts. First one telling home to collect his bags followed by the evidence I have gathered.
My sister thinks I'm being unreasonable as he hasn't actually slept with her!! Personally I find no this worse and more of a betrayal

OP posts:
Trollspoopglitter · 15/09/2017 07:20

Morally, it might feel it's your right to kick him out of his home but legally - you can't.

At best, you might get him to move out for a day or a week because you're planning to ambush him.

Then what? Envision what you want for next 6 months and then envision what you could do if he refuses to move out.

BoffinMum · 15/09/2017 07:50

Don't do anything in hot blood. Sit him down and tell him very coldly that he needs to find alternative accommodation and you will let him know when the first mediation appointment is. That will make him grow up fast.

Mummyoflittledragon · 15/09/2017 07:51

I agree with Zigzag. Do you have copies of everything. All loans, mortgage, savings, income (several payslips and last p60 if poss), investments etc?

Tell him however you feel comfortable. If you don't want to do it face to face then don't. I don't understand what you are wanting to achieve by sending several texts though.

Lovingmybear2 · 15/09/2017 07:57

I think you should sit down as adults and parents and find our exactly what's occurred and what you want to happen going forward.

Sending texts and cutting up clothes is really fur soap operas.

MrsPussinBoots · 15/09/2017 07:59

Totally agree with your plan BUT make sure you've got a plan B in case he comes home and refuses to move out.

LadyFuchsiaGroan · 15/09/2017 07:59

Op I have been in your situation but unlike you I tried to make it work on the basis well it wasn't a 'full blown affair'. I wish I had had your strength as things over the years just got worse, he has revealed what he is really like and you are definitely doing the right thing. I admire you. Kicking out cheating dp was hard I'm not going to lie but it is was so worth it. Wishing you all the strength to get through this Flowers

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 15/09/2017 08:14

But this is your children's father,

That's an awful reason to stay with someone whose at least being emotionally unfaithful.

PaintingByNumbers · 15/09/2017 08:18

Yabu if the house is in joint names, but certainly not unreasonable to confront him about this.

mmzz · 15/09/2017 08:23

mid-life crisis? A sort of temporary insanity...

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 15/09/2017 08:23

in case he comes home and refuses to move out.

Which if he co owns/owns/you are married he has every right to refuse to.

kateandme · 15/09/2017 08:26

do you have backup hun.not to say your wrong to feel this way.but in anger all sorts can happen and be said.
I'm concerned for you and your kids if its just starts ragin in arguments and the rawness of the week you've had.
if your honestly calm now then ok go for what your heart wants but make sure you are,and that you no for you and ur kids this is going to go to plan.
I cant believe this has happened.what a dick.how can this sort of thing happen!
big hugs.
and your right to get him out.i just want it to happen with you ending up in the driving seat and with everything you need going forward.
does a friend know.or someone around just incase a twist happens in this tale.your mum to come round to sit with you.
I no your feeling together but at some point the shock can hit at different levels.
keep safe.
I'm so sorry.i really am.you do not deserve this to have happened.
your life doesn't end here remember you can get through this.comfort yourself today with anything that make you feel good and calmed.

Tobythecat · 15/09/2017 08:31

Most men are awful creatures. Really sly and underhanded.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 15/09/2017 08:38

If my DH did this it would knock me sick!

You are right to kick him out - how will you ever trust him in the future? You can't live with that.

You have summoned the courage to do the thing that a lot of women regret not doing - taking no shit! He will doubtless grovel and plead and drag your children into this. Stand firm. You can do without this apology for a man in your life. (And if you think he is boring, you would definitely get nothing out of taking him back except stress and more grief.)

supersop60 · 15/09/2017 08:39

toby - I hope that's not true.
OP - sorry you're going through this. An emotional affair is just as damaging as a physical one. He has removed himself from the relationship. Good luck Flowers

mmzz · 15/09/2017 08:40

Most men are awful creatures. Really sly and underhanded.
that just drips with misandry. What a prejudiced, disgusting thing to write (and its patently untrue).
Imagine the reaction if someone wrote: Most women are awful creatures. Really sly and underhanded.?

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 15/09/2017 08:45

Most men are awful creatures. Really sly and underhanded.

Absolute rubbish

Iris65 · 15/09/2017 08:48

Going against the grain here. But this is your children's father, is there any chance you could speak to him rationally about this? How is your marriage. Why are you married to a man you consider the most boring man you could meet? I think this is worth talking over to see if anything is salvageable.

I agree with this.

Iris65 · 15/09/2017 08:52

@LadyFuchsiaGroan
I have been in your situation but unlike you I tried to make it work on the basis well it wasn't a 'full blown affair'. I wish I had had your strength as things over the years just got worse, he has revealed what he is really like and you are definitely doing the right thing.

I am sure thta you are well meaning and your situation was very painful but, this is a different man and a different marriage. You simply cannot predict what will happen, although many of us try to. I hope that you are in a better place now.

Theresnonamesleft · 15/09/2017 09:02

Once you go behind the back of your partner and start having chats with another person. The trust starts to fade. To declare your love for that person, the trust is gone.

It
Doesn't matter if he is the father, dull etc. Rebuilding from a lose of trust is hard. Some yes would forgive and try to move on. This is their decision. Some like op say that's it once the trust is gone it's hard to remain in the relationship. Every time he goes out, every time he goes on line, phone conversations etc, she will be wondering if he's talking to another woman. How is this fair on the op?

JWrecks · 15/09/2017 09:06

Pretty surprised at some of the responses here. I don't know how OP is meant to forgive and forget an emotional affair, how she's ever meant to trust this man again. I cannot understand drawing the line at sex, but not at undying bloody love. StBXH is IN LOVE with another woman - she has his heart - and it doesn't matter if she is even real or not. He was happy to indulge in that contact and set his wife and family to one side in order to cultivate that relationship. Why should OP ever subject herself to continuing a relationship with a man who is in love with somebody else?

Regardless of if he's physically slept with OW or not, he has every intention of doing so and absolutely would have done already, if given the opportunity. He's declared his undying love for another woman. He has no respect for his wife, her feelings, or the commitment he made to her, and no regard for the happiness or stability of his family. That is not a man she can trust with her heart or her future.

Staying in an unhappy marriage with no love, no respect, and no trust, just "for the kids", is a great way to mess with the kids' heads and teach them unhealthy lessons about love and relationships.

@OP I don't think you've done anything wrong or plan to do anything wrong. He doesn't deserve a face to face conversation imo, and apparently he prefers his relationships to be conducted digitally anyway. You do whatever you must do for yourself and your family.

It can't be easy having to play the strong, happy mum and go on as though everything is normal in front of the kids while dealing with this kind of betrayal and pain. You must be very strong! I'm so very sorry this happened to you, and I really wish you all the best. Flowers

Original poster
babyno5 · 15/09/2017 09:09

If I'm honest the relationship hasn't been great for a good while. Not arguing but more like housemates. Financially I am self sufficient as I earn more than he does. We have never married as both of us were married before and vowed it just as "a piece of paper". When I say he's the most boring man I mean he likes his routine, he's not very sociable and he has very fixed views on so many things.
I know it's going to be tough but I know I can do this as I was on my own with my 3 eldest children after divorcing their violent father. We then met and had 2 children together.

OP posts:
Neverknowing · 15/09/2017 09:19

In my books this is almost worse than 'just' sleeping with someone. If he slept with someone else you could say it's just physical but actually seeking someone else online and then 'falling' for them is so much more hurtful.
He wanted to fall for someone else or how did he find her online? That's a horrible thing to do and I don't know where your sisters head is at on this one.
Good luck op, hope it's all better once the twat is gone. Flowers

usualGubbins · 15/09/2017 09:20

Wonder what he'll do if/when he finds out the woman of his dreams is a 55 year old labourer from Sheffield?

Seriously OP you are doing the right thing! Ignore sister!!

PovertyPain · 15/09/2017 09:22

Whose name is the house in, op? I'm awfully sorry you're going through this, but hopefully his deceit will make it easier for you to leave, what seems to be, an already unhappy relationship.

JWrecks · 15/09/2017 09:28

@Neverknowing - In my books this is almost worse than 'just' sleeping with someone.

That's what I think, too. At least with sex there's a possibility of it being a one-off drunken mistake, or something exclusively physical and meaningless, or some kind of self-confidence issue he's working through, something that can be explained. When a man get his actual love and emotions involved, however, it's a completely different issue entirely.

(While I pray to God that neither ever happens, of course,) I'd almost prefer DH go through a midlife crisis and shag some tart to "see if he's still got it" or whatever than fall head over heels in love with somebody else. I could possibly get past meaningless sex (eventually and after a lot of suffering obviously) but I doubt I could ever get past him falling in love.

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