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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to tell him to pack his bags and tell him to f*** off with his chatroom scummy mummy?

141 replies

babyno5 · 15/09/2017 00:11

Long story short-this week I have discovered my partner of 14 years and father of my children has formed an online relationship (yep he's declaring undying live for her even tho she's 24 years his junior and he's never actually met her!). I have spent the week calmly gathering evidence but tomorrow morning I intend sending him a series of texts. First one telling home to collect his bags followed by the evidence I have gathered.
My sister thinks I'm being unreasonable as he hasn't actually slept with her!! Personally I find no this worse and more of a betrayal

OP posts:
Squarerouteofsquirrel · 15/09/2017 09:30

Why did you marry and chose to have children with the most boring man on earth, presumably he's not always been boring ? If someone made you feel like you were boring, how would you feel ?

How do you know he loves her, have you just read it online? People get a bit carried away in the unreal world of the internet, you only have to be on Facebook to see how it can turn otherwise nice unassuming people into attention seeking narcissists. It sounds like a bit of escapism that's got out of control.

I really think you ought to discuss this openly with your husband and not resort to sending a text to end a relationship, to see if this can be worked out.

SleepingStandingUp · 15/09/2017 09:31

Wow some peoples standards are low. Including OP's sister.

He is in love with someone else.

If he's on any way decent he will move out at least to give them some space whilst they sort out the house, kids and assets.

I hope he's talking to a fake profile but for karma, not your marriage

Meeep · 15/09/2017 09:34

Agree with JWrecks.

guilty100 · 15/09/2017 09:42

I'm so sorry this has happened. It is VERY hurtful, and I think you're absolutely right that it's a kind of infidelity. It can actually be more hurtful when someone does this than if they have a so-called "meaningless" one-night stand, because they are so emotionally invested in something outside of the relationship.

He's been an absolute fool. I bet he won't even like her when he meets her, and will realise only then that he's been living in a fantasy world. What a total idiot.

devilmaycarry · 15/09/2017 09:47

Wonder what he'll do if/when he finds out the woman of his dreams is a 55 year old labourer from Sheffield?

This was almost exactly my thoughts. Except I expect she'll be a 25 year old bloke from Nigeria...

Mittens1969 · 15/09/2017 09:48

It sounds like the relationship has been over for quite some time, and you're probably both ready to finish it. But you should do it properly, I think, i.e. confront him with what you've found out, and both behave like grown-ups and parents.

Easy for me to say when I'm not the one who's been betrayed though.

SleepingStandingUp · 15/09/2017 09:49

Squarwroute you do relaiae he has deliberately entered into an ol relationahio with someone? This want a one off comment on a post or a drunken shag in rl.

He's built up a relationship and told someone he loves them. Probably sitting next to his wife on the sofa.

Utterly unforgivable

bsbabas · 15/09/2017 09:51

What has he given her promised her a new life money? Talk to her sounds like he wants to ruin a hot young girls life whos too stupid not to break up a marriage.

livefornaps · 15/09/2017 09:55

He really is a pathetic little worm, isn't he? We don't fall into internet relationships. We go looking for them.

P1ainJanine · 15/09/2017 09:58

Aside from the clear infidelity going on here on his side, it's also possible he's fallen or is in the process of falling for a scam, where they lure him into doing something indecent in front of his webcam and then blackmail him over it. So even more reason to secure the financial side of things before he empties the bank account.

Sorry this is happening to you. :-(

AnotherShirtRuined · 15/09/2017 09:58

Going against the grain here. But this is your children's father, is there any chance you could speak to him rationally about this? How is your marriage. Why are you married to a man you consider the most boring man you could meet? I think this is worth talking over to see if anything is salvageable.

I also agree with this. I don't disagree that the marriage probably isn't salvageable at this point. It is never OK to cheat - emotionally or otherwise. But given that the OP finds her DH 'the most boring man you could meet', I'm wondering if that in itself isn't a form of emotional infidelity? At the very least it is a sign that the marriage was in trouble regardless of the DH's emotional infidelity. In this light his romantic involvement online could be seen as a - stupendously stupid - reaction to a marriage in trouble rather than the cause of it. However only the OP and her DH will know for sure if this is the case.

Now I'm not saying the OP is to blame for her DH's behavior, not at all, but I think that if the marriage was in difficulties anyway, perhaps it isn't all that surprising that the DH went looking elsewhere for the validation he most likely wasn't getting at home from a DW who thinks him dull. However that in no way excuses getting romantically attached to another woman, fictional or otherwise, and the OP is absolutely justified in being livid with her DH.

I just can't help thinking about the children. I am full of admiration for the OP in being able to keep calm and collected for her children. But an out and out war, which she seems to be preparing for, might not be the best foundation for a future co-parenting relationship with their father however justified she may be.

Purplemeddler · 15/09/2017 10:08

Is he actually a philandering idiot? Or just an idiot? very much doubt that he is actually in love. He's probably bored (as well as boring), it's fun and exciting and he's probably got a crush on this woman who may or may not be fictional.

If the relationship isn't that great anyway, by all means end it. But I wouldn't end it just because of this. You've been in a violent relationship, you know there are worse things than being boring and just being housemates.

It sounds like you want/need something new and exciting yourself, and this gives you the get-out to go and look for it. Nothing wrong with that but be honest with yourself.

Squarerouteofsquirrel · 15/09/2017 10:09

sleeping personally i consider maintaining a relationship with someone the op appears to resent (boring) equally duplicitous.

There is also not enough information on the 'emotional affair' or chatting shit to an internet random, for people to be spouting cliches and declaring LTB. Easy to say from the comfort of your armchair.

I posted before I seen the ops last update, and from that alone it would appear the relationship has run its course. But it needs to be ended properly by discussing things rationally, not through text message.

ShapelyBingoWing · 15/09/2017 10:13

I'm always appalled at the responses when an OP has a completely rational and appropriate response to cheating. Trying to calm the OP down? But this is your children's father - This makes it less forgivable, not more.

I've seen it in my personal life recently, a friend's husband falling in love with another woman (right up until he was caught of course). The willingness of women to infantalise men to the point of not being responsible for their actions and needing to be forgiven really shocks me. Especially when it comes alongside demonizing the OW as though she's an evil temptress it just wasn't possible for him to resist. A big friendship group of women, completely unable to hold a man accountable for wandering outside his marriage.

You're doing the right thing for you OP. There's no need to slow down. Even if you're current reaction is emotional. You're allowed to be angry and emotional.

RaspberryOverload · 15/09/2017 10:13

Another shortened alternatively, the DW may have found her DH dull, because his attention was elsewhere for a lot longer than she may have realised. Despite what you write, you are still blaming the OP there, and assuming that her finding him dull is the cause of his attention wandering when it could easily be the other way around.

ADayGivingMeHope · 15/09/2017 10:20

😮 That is just as bad as sleeping with someone imo - he's having an emotional connection / relationship with someone, that is being unfaithful.
So sorry for you OP!

Pancakeflipper · 15/09/2017 10:25

IMO it's an emotional affair and a huge betrayal.
I would want to see their face when I told them I had this evidence as their initial reaction gives away alot. I'd not want them to have time to think of a baloney tale of nonsense.

Hope you are finding strength
OP.

SleepingStandingUp · 15/09/2017 10:25

You've been in a violent relationship, you know there are worse things than being boring and just being housemates
Wow. Just wow.

Of course this is "better" then the ex but jeez are people really meant to settle for the least bad?
Neither person sounds happy - isn't it better to walk and both find real happiness than to stay together just because there are worse thingas out there.

Square I agree they need to talk. However i consider maintaining a relationship with someone the op appears to resent (boring) equally duplicitous - you really think an emotional affair is comparable with finding your husband boring?

JonSnowsbuttocks · 15/09/2017 10:27

Emotional or physical doesn't really matter he is still cheating. You are doing the right thing, sending you strength for today.

Serialweightwatcher · 15/09/2017 10:38

You're doing the right thing - sleeping or not sleeping with someone, if he has sent all these messages and been underhand and sneaky, it's just as bad in my opinion - I'm sorry you're going through this and I wish you luck and strength Flowers

Squarerouteofsquirrel · 15/09/2017 10:39

sleeping you would be happy to stay in a relationship with someone that resented you - which they will do if they find you boring . And you could forgive someone a drunken shag ?

I think someone mentioned low standards before...

SleepingStandingUp · 15/09/2017 10:50

Personally no square but I understand the argument for the people who say they would for a one night stand. Not in this house but some people sex is just sex and if it was a mistake blah blah blah. Howe Er an ongoing relationship of any sort is clearly different.

If my DH thought I was boring, i'd want to sort it out or leave. Not have an affair.

nauticant · 15/09/2017 10:58

You've been in a violent relationship, you know there are worse things than being boring and just being housemates

Out of a number of posts showing remarkably little empathy to the OP, that one stood out as being something else SleepingStandingUp.

SleepingStandingUp · 15/09/2017 11:02

It wasnt my comment nauticant

SleepingStandingUp · 15/09/2017 11:04

For nauticant

P's comment in bold
You've been in a violent relationship, you know there are worse things than being boring and just being housemates

My comment:
""Wow. Just wow"" surprised at the awfulness of above comment
""Of course this is "better" then the ex but jeez are people really meant to settle for the least bad?"" aka what a stupid bloody comment from PP
""Neither person sounds happy - isn't it better to walk and both find real happiness than to stay together just because there are worse thingas out there"" aka what a stupid bloody comment from PP

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