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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

15 year old daughter has just walked out of the house

146 replies

krustykittens · 14/09/2017 17:37

More of a WWYD. Eldest DD is great most of the time. Funny, smart, great company, is fairly open with myself and her Dad. But she is so arrogant. Doesn't treat her little sister very well, constantly talks down to her and makes her feel stupid, has to argue black is white with us the whole time, ruins days out as result. It is exhausting and tedious. Then when she screws up, it is an all out screaming match, she NEVER admits she is in the wrong. I had a letter home from school today, basically saying she had to be taken out of her maths class for constantly disrupting it and that we are to talk to her. I call her in, not very happy and I read out the letter to her. Of course, it's all rubbish, she's not in the wrong, she refuses to discuss it. Now she has walked out of the house with no phone and we have no idea where she is. I have had enough. Everything is fine until we have to tell her off for something, then all we get is sneering and contempt. She has ruined the last two Christmasses and I am actually looking forward to her leaving home to go to university. It's not a teenage thing either, she has been like this since she was nine. She basically has some unpleasant character traits that she doesn't seem to grow out of or learn from. What would you do to punish her or just get it through her thick skull that admitting you are in the wrong and saying sorry is a much nicer way to live your life than acting the victim and treating others like shit?! Who the hell is going to put up with this once she is an adult?

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 14/09/2017 17:40

No phone. No money. No privileges. Has she been allowed to get away with this behaviour since it started?

wheresmycat · 14/09/2017 17:41

You could be my parents 15 years ago. Life will knock it out of her sooner or later, especially when she hits the job market. Doesn't help you much right now but she won't be stuck like that forever. Sure someone will be along in a mo with some actual advice.

DailyMailReadersAreThick · 14/09/2017 17:42

Yeah, I was the same at that age. I look back now and cringe, but at the time it felt like the world was against me.

It won't last. It's a teenage phase.

DailyMailReadersAreThick · 14/09/2017 17:44

Just to add - it was HUGELY liberating when I finally learned that it isn't a weakness to admit you were wrong and to say sorry.

But I had to learn it for myself. No amount of people taking my phone away would have helped.

Original poster
krustykittens · 14/09/2017 17:44

She has lost her phone, Aquamarine and won't be getting it replaced after today. She has no money. She has probably walked down to a friends house. She does';t get away with this behaviour, no, it normally ends up in a screaming row with her stuff being taken away from, grounding, etc. But she doesn't learn. She CANNOT be criticised, ever. All I ever hear is the sound of her gob and it is ALWAYS someone else's fault why she hasn't tidied up, why she hasn't got up on time etc, normally, her little sister

OP posts:
GreenTulips · 14/09/2017 17:44

She'll turn up when hungry

Hide her phone

Don't speak to her until she comes to you

When she does say you believe her teachers and unless she changes her attitude she won't be getting treats

Ask school to put her on report for mths lessons so you get proper feed back

Original poster
krustykittens · 14/09/2017 17:45

Thank you Where and DailyMail I hope so. She is lovely most of the time but she needs to rein her mouth and just SHUT UP from time to time. She adores her little sister and is very protective of her but does take her for granted. It doesn't help that DD2 is hitting puberty, is hormonal and always seems to look for offence in everything her sister says.

OP posts:
MumsOnCrack · 14/09/2017 17:48

My brother was a nightmare and the only thing DM did that had any impact was to go icy cold. Let her come to you, no eye contact etc. Don't enter into any discussions. Walk away until she apologised.

Original poster
krustykittens · 14/09/2017 17:51

I think I am going to try that this time, because arguments don't get us anywhere. Like I say, she is normally lovely, gets me cups of tea, offers to cook dinner if I am tired and is a really lovely person. But take a telling? Nope, can't do that. And the disrespect just rockets. She's got a nasty mouth on her during these arguments and we are all fed up of her.

OP posts:
blankface · 14/09/2017 17:51

Would PDA strategies help? www.pdasociety.org.uk/families/strategies

NC4now · 14/09/2017 17:52

My 15 year old DS is like this. Obnoxious. I love him to bits, but my god, his mouth.

Something's switched in the last couple of weeks. I suspect there's a girl involved, but he seems to have grown up overnight. I'm hoping it's not temporary, but even if it is, it's a hopeful glimpse.

Leave her be for now, then ground her and take her privileges away. She needs to get her head down this year and not disrupt the class. It's an important one for everyone. If she doesn't come back by her usual curfew, ring round her mates.

NC4now · 14/09/2017 17:55

I have been super harsh on DS at times, because some of his antics were downright risky, so I had to be.
But when he's good we have a great laugh.
You can be both. Hard work, aren't they? Gin

GreenTulips · 14/09/2017 18:00

I thinknrheyvregress back to 2 year olds and you wouldn't argue with one would you?

The other thing is to repeat what they say

'I hate you!!
'You hate me?' Head tilt eye brow raise OK

Walk away

You can argue with a brick wall can you?

Fudgefase · 14/09/2017 18:00

Crikey, you have my sympathy. Does she like horses? Go and get her to work in a stable. It'll tire her out if nothing else.

Borninatrap · 14/09/2017 18:00

I have one of these!

He is super lovely but is 1. Horrible to DS2 who is 9 and sensitive

And 2. Under no circumstances will accept he is wrong or needs telling off.

He spent 25 quid on my CC on the XBox because he thought he'd used a gift voucher but obviously pressed the wrong button. My fault apparently. And just made his siblings sit in a different
room because they had tomato sauce on their dinner.

I've started asking him 5 psychological assessment questions when he gets like this and it's completely stumping him!

MaterEstIratus · 14/09/2017 18:01

It isn't your job to sanction her for in school behaviour -it's the school's job. What are they doing about it.

Original poster
krustykittens · 14/09/2017 18:04

She's back. Must have gone for a short walk to cool off. I have talked to DH about what you all suggested and we are going to ignore her. Arguing just upsets us all and she walks around with this stupid little sneer that makes me want to slap her face for her! I don't but one day, someone will. And bloody hell, yes, they are hard work. I can't wait until they have kids and then I will laugh and laugh and laugh when they complain about my DGC while I fill them with sugar!

OP posts:
Original poster
krustykittens · 14/09/2017 18:07

Fudge she adores horses and has two ponies! We live on a small holding and they keep her busy so it is not like she has tons of energy. Mater the school is sanctioning her for her behaviour but they asked us to discuss the situation with her, which of course, we can't do, because little miss martyr is flouncing around looking for wood for her cross! She has so many good qualities but we have a hard time telling her that that doesn't mean she is perfect!

OP posts:
BabsGanoush · 14/09/2017 18:07

What are they doing about it. er....Contacting the parents and asking for punishment to be a joint effort maybe??

Dumdedumdum · 14/09/2017 18:08

Oh ffs. It should be a partnership between home and school. It has to be pretty bad to let the parents know.

IHaveBrilloHair · 14/09/2017 18:08

My Dd has (undiagnosed) PDA and behaves just like that, with added violence.
I won't have her living with me anymore, it's the only way.
She was in care for 14 months, SW were no help at all and basically made me have her home, Dd swore she'd behave, less than two months later she was violent again (and was spiteful, controlling and constantly verbally abusive before that), I told her to leave and took her keys off her.
She's living with her friend's family who currently think she's polite, intelligent, articulate, helpful and I must be the mother from hell.
I give it another month at most before she's controlling them, stealing from them and being violent towards them.

tulip326 · 14/09/2017 18:11

Refusing to admit she's wrong is most probably a character trait, like you said OP. I struggle to admit when I'm in the wrong, as many other adults will and others who have replied to your message. I think that's it's part of being overly proud and not wanting to admit weakness.

Maybe DD is thinking that if she apologises to you, you will take the opportunity to make her feel bad? For example, DD says 'I'm sorry for being rude' and you reply with 'Yes, you really need to improve your behaviour, you are unbearable', consequently making her feel like rubbish.

I think she refuses to apologise for fear of presenting herself as target for you to put her down.

I'm not saying you would do this intentionally OP.

I think that growing up and entering the adult world will teach her that she needs to reign in her arrogance.

Hang in there Wine

wheresmycat · 14/09/2017 18:11

-She is lovely most of the time but she needs to rein her mouth and just SHUT UP from time to time.-

Ah yes. But that's not something your mum can teach you! If she's capable of being lovely then she's capable of (eventually) reining in her worse behaviours. You do right for now by being firm but not escalating.

Alpacaandgo · 14/09/2017 18:13

You just basically described my 15 year old dd. Can be so lovely yet so awful at the flick of a switch. Sometimes she's just horrible and always always ruins days out by constant bitching if it's not something she chose to do. It's so draining.

Original poster
krustykittens · 14/09/2017 18:16

IHaveBrillo I am sorry. It must be heart breaking for you. I don't know what to say but have a Gin on me.

Tulip that is a good point. I will try really hard not to do this and pay attention to what I am saying.

Wheresmycat I get what you are saying. I just want to have reasonable discussions like we have the rest of the time. No one is trying to make her life miserable, we all want what is best for her. As her mum, I just want everyone to see the good and not be distracted by less desirable character traits. I know, I am asking too much from a teenager.

OP posts:
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