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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

15 year old daughter has just walked out of the house

146 replies

krustykittens · 14/09/2017 17:37

More of a WWYD. Eldest DD is great most of the time. Funny, smart, great company, is fairly open with myself and her Dad. But she is so arrogant. Doesn't treat her little sister very well, constantly talks down to her and makes her feel stupid, has to argue black is white with us the whole time, ruins days out as result. It is exhausting and tedious. Then when she screws up, it is an all out screaming match, she NEVER admits she is in the wrong. I had a letter home from school today, basically saying she had to be taken out of her maths class for constantly disrupting it and that we are to talk to her. I call her in, not very happy and I read out the letter to her. Of course, it's all rubbish, she's not in the wrong, she refuses to discuss it. Now she has walked out of the house with no phone and we have no idea where she is. I have had enough. Everything is fine until we have to tell her off for something, then all we get is sneering and contempt. She has ruined the last two Christmasses and I am actually looking forward to her leaving home to go to university. It's not a teenage thing either, she has been like this since she was nine. She basically has some unpleasant character traits that she doesn't seem to grow out of or learn from. What would you do to punish her or just get it through her thick skull that admitting you are in the wrong and saying sorry is a much nicer way to live your life than acting the victim and treating others like shit?! Who the hell is going to put up with this once she is an adult?

OP posts:
Original poster
krustykittens · 14/09/2017 20:58

WHAT?! Where did you read that? .

OP posts:
VeenyCat · 14/09/2017 20:59

No, not very worried at all!

I only suggested an appointment with the teacher because it means you get to talk for an amount of time, which isn't easy with phone calls due to timetables.

I'd always rather talk to a parent face-to-face in this instance, not least because we've normally been represented as ogres to each other by the student in question 😉

ivykaty44 · 14/09/2017 20:59

It's easy for me to say but the punishments so far haven't worked 6 years on
You are banging your head against a brick wall and it's painful

Ruining Christmas will be making everyone suffer

We live our children but we don't alway like everything about their character

Could you actually give her more responsibility? Making her responsible for something (that if it goes tits up doesn't effect you) that way she has to look to herself if it goes wrong and she can blame the man on the moon but it doesn't matter

Making her own lunches
Doing her own washing
That type of thing, it's not going to ultimately affect you if she doesn't do it but helps her learn that actually she needs to be responsible for her own actions as they have consequences

gingergenius · 14/09/2017 21:00

Please don't video her as one pp suggested. It will add fuel.

Her behaviour is age typical. They think they know everything at that age.

It sucks.

Don't engage with the arguing. State your case. Ignore the arguing. State your case. Ignore the arguing. Rinse and repeat. It's like dealing with a 2 y/o in a much bigger body!

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 14/09/2017 21:04

Hi Krusty, just to say you actually sound like a very decent, grounded parent so not sure why you're getting such a hard time on here. Teenage girls are horrible! I was a horrible one. My sister was a horrible one. Even my Mum admits to being a horrible one. Just stick to your guns; you are teaching her manners and consequences and responsibility, and well, all the right stuff! She will come through the other side at some point. But only if you stick with it.

GreenTulips · 14/09/2017 21:16

You know that they do know what they are doing is wrong - so using that you should ask her what she needs to do to make it better

You should also rather than punish you should give her X days to improve and email the maths teacher and ask for feed back for each lesson.

Let her chose a reward for that

Sometime a carrot is better than a stick

imjessie · 14/09/2017 21:35

She sounds like a narc 😬

inniu · 14/09/2017 21:50

I have twin DDs at this stage. 2 people who are never wrong but don't agree with each other is a recipe for rows.
I find I get too drawn in so am trying not to engage in arguments.

Original poster
krustykittens · 14/09/2017 22:45

Thank you every one. It is good to know I am not alone. I am making an appointment with teacher so he can explain to both myself and DD why he letter was sent out. Because at the moment, she will not admit to any wrong doing, the teacher apparently thinks she is great, it's all bullshit, etc. She is going to admit she is in the wrong! THEN we can talk about how she is going to make it right. And she is going to apologise for treating us with contempt before she starts being included in treats again. Bloody kids. My DH said, "Let's have kids, it will be fun." Idiot! Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
krustykittens · 14/09/2017 22:57

BetterCallSaul thank you for your post, it made me feel bloody hopeful! LadyInCement I am so sorry but I laughed out loud at the last line of your post! I'll get my coat....

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holdthewine · 14/09/2017 23:14

One of my DD behaved similarly and hit rock bottom at 15. We received a note with her school report that we had to go in and see the head with her. The Maths teacher was also there and said it was the worst report he had written in 30 years teaching. DD was tearful and promised to stop being disruptive and try harder. We had to go back after 6 weeks when the Maths teacher couldn't believe the change and said he had so much respect for the way she had taken it on the chin and upped her game.
Looking back, it was a real turning point and we never had a problem again, she is 29 now, in a stable relationship, has 2 degrees and a very responsible job.
You sound like a sound family and I'm sure you will come through this too.

user1498240695 · 14/09/2017 23:24

Following to show sassy dd the error in her behaviour from other adult perspectives, not just mine

HeebieJeebies456 · 14/09/2017 23:38

why is she allowed the privilege of ponies if this behaviour has been constant since she was 9 years old?

Taking the pony away from her will have more impact than a mobile or pocket money - she knows full well you will eventually replace those...

Original poster
krustykittens · 15/09/2017 00:22

HeebieJeebies let me get this straight - you are actually suggesting that we get rid of her animal as a punishment? You do realise a pony is not a thing, like a mobile phone? That re-homing a pony should only be done if it is in their best interests, like a cat or a dog? Would you tell someone to re-home a cat or a dog to punish their child?

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Original poster
krustykittens · 15/09/2017 00:28

Holdthewine that is good to hear! I hope her teacher doesn't say the same thing tomorrow, though! She is actually a great girl, corporal at Air Cadets, active member of her pony club, does work experience once a week at our local vets as she really wants to be a vet. But she has got learn to accept when she is in the wrong with good grace and learn from her mistakes. We keep telling her, no one expects her to be perfect, we all make mistakes. But its how we deal with them that is important. Yelling, snideness and bad manners is not the way to do it! I have not had complaints about her behaviour from cadets, the vets or pony club, so I am praying she is just like this with us!

OP posts:
HeebieJeebies456 · 15/09/2017 01:18

You just said yourself she has chosen to ignore one of your rules re the pony just cos she felt like it (it wasn't genuine forgetfulness) - that isn't responsible of her is it? Confused
She's taking her anger out on a pony!

Threaten/warn her, if her behaviour doesn't improve THEN take it away - because having a pony is a privilege....a privilege she continues to enjoy at your expense despite her despicable behaviour that's been going on for years and shows absolutely NO sign of abating....

So far you usual consequences haven't worked and i doubt they will in the future.
She knows you will replace the phone/pocket money etc hence why she doesn't take you seriously.
Perhaps knowing that she stands to lose something she really cares about will enable her to buckle up her attitude?

I have two fur babies of my own, OP.
I didn't make this suggestion lightly.....

Original poster
krustykittens · 15/09/2017 01:23

She HASN'T taken her anger out on a pony! She rode her without a saddle, I worry about her slipping off and hurting herself. You make it sound like she hit her! I will not re-home an animal that my daughter loves and cares for and exercises every day to punish her over an un-related matter. That someone who claims to have fur babies (boak) would even suggest this is ridiculous. Not to mention that being re-homed would be traumatic for the pony - how is it her fault her rider is being a know-it-all? Or do you think the pony is a bad influence?

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HeebieJeebies456 · 15/09/2017 01:40

her rider is acting irresponsibly and putting both herself and her pony at risk of getting hurt/injured.
She is aware that not using a saddle risks pressure induced injuries for the pony?
That riding the pony without a saddle fatigues the animal a lot more than if she were using a saddle?

What i see is you rewarding disgusting longstanding behaviour like hers with a pony- that is ridiculous.
It's obvious she has no respect for you or the things you do for her...

15 years old who behave in such an extremely spoilt and bratty manner are boak in my opinion.....not someone who refers to their cats as fur babies Grin

Rhubarbz · 15/09/2017 01:45

She sounds very unhappy. Why is this? Maybe she needs a bit of love and kindness. When you talk to her about issues do it with empathy and love rather then in an accusatory tough fashion.

Rhubarbz · 15/09/2017 01:54

Also lead by example. Apologise when you've done something wrong or own up to stuff yourself. Show her it's ok and braver to do so.

Lastly sometimes bickering with siblings shows she feels wobbly. If you hear her bickering, try a bit of TLC and spend time alone with her. Make her feel treasured.

Charolais · 15/09/2017 02:06

HeebieJeebies456 I have owned and ridden horses for 53 years. Bareback riding is not fatiguing or damaging to a healthy horse/pony. It is both positive and healthy that the girl has a pony to take care of and ride and would be stupid, cruel and irresponsible to sell the pony.

It sort of reminds me of abusers threatening to torture or kill kid's pets to keep them in line. Simply horrible.

Next you’ll be suggesting the girl’s cloths are burned in a bonfire and she is forced to wear a burlap sack fashioned into dress as punishment - ‘you don’t deserve nice things’.

Original poster
krustykittens · 15/09/2017 02:12

HeebieJeebies riding a horse bareback does no harm at all when a horse's back is well-muscled, the rider is balanced and they don't ride for long periods of time. She isn't hurting her mare because all of our small herd have their backs checked twice a year and the most recent check gave them all a clean bill of health. So she didn't deliberately set out to hurt her pony because she is angry, that is just hyberbole on your part. Just like you claiming I rewarded her bad behaviour by giving her a pony. No, I gave her a pony because she proved to me, over the course of a few years, by loaning and sharing other ponies and by volunteering to work at our local stables, that she understood the work involved in looking after such an animal and that she was committed to doing it. That hasn't changed, so the pony will be going nowhere. Do you actually have kids, or just cats you think you birthed? But I will be sure to pass on your concerns about bareback riding to the British Horse Society and they can tell all their approved riding instructors to stop giving bareback lessons to help riders improve balance. And yeah, a kid that works hard at school, gets good grades, cares for her pony, helps around the house - yep, no respect at all.

Rhubarbz So on the basis of this thread, you have concluded my daughter gets shown no love or kindness or that I don't spend any time alone with her? I must have dreamed the three hours we spent on a hack on Saturday. Don't worry, HeebieJeebies, the ponies had saddles on! Also RTFT, we do apologise when we get things wrong.

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Leilaniii · 15/09/2017 02:18

My 12 year old DS is like this. I have had a terrible few years morning with him. He spent 20 mins in the shower and another 15 mins putting his socks on. I told him he was making us all late and he just exploded and started kicking the shit out of his little sister's new birthday presents. He is an utter fucking nightmare.

It is so bad, I am considering taking his sister out of private school so that I can afford to send him to boarding school. So that I don't have to see him.

But then on the rare occasions when he's lovely, he's lovely.

Sorry for the highjack, I am just having a bad day and needed to vent.

Good luck with your DD. I hope all these reformed characters on here are right, and it sorts itself out.

Original poster
krustykittens · 15/09/2017 02:22

Leilanii I am sorry. It is so exhausting and fucking tedious. FWIW, a friend of mine did send her daughter to boarding school as they fought so much. They reckon it was the best thing and are really close now. Different things work for different children. Does he have a pet you could get rid of? It might save you a fortune. (joke)

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Leilaniii · 15/09/2017 02:30

Thanks krustykittens. I was reading a story this morning about a celebrity having a kidney transplant and for a fleeting moment I considered selling one of my kidneys to pay for boarding.

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