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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I lazy?

129 replies

thegreenlight · 14/09/2017 09:39

Feeling a bit upset. I am currently off on maternity with a 2 week old EBF baby. DS 1 started reception this week and just coming to terms with school run. I literally drop off at school, home, then breastfeed in 3 hour stretches! Husband was grumpy with my this morning and when he finally told me why he said it is because I am inconsiderate because I didn't empty the tumble dryer and do the washing yesterday. He told me that he is doing more now he is off and he's not happy with it. He also called me lazy when I said I would start doing the shop online instead of going to aldi (I have done a food shop in person but left baby with my mum). I have a home cooked dinner on the table for him every night when he walks in and I do all the getting ready for school etc. He basically was annoyed as I went out yesterday to buy some new breast feeding friendly clothes (and jeans as had split my maternity ones Blush) and then had work colleagues over after school to see baby (their request and I did have to tidy the house for them). Feeling really blue now and he's not answering my messages either.

OP posts:
NC4now · 14/09/2017 11:39

Has he spent a day with you and the baby recently? I think a lot of men don't realise how demanding it is to get breastfeeding established. Actually, I think it comes as a shock for a lot of women too.
You aren't lazy. His expectations are unrealistic and you are both sleep deprived and adjusting. If he's usually reasonable, leave him to calm down, then have a good chat about what is and isn't realistic, and how you can work together as a team.

ConciseandNice · 14/09/2017 11:46

This is incredibly upsetting. I'm so sorry. I bf five babies and all of them took at least 3 weeks before they weren't cluster feeding. I was stuck to the sofa- this is how it works. You'll also be doing night feeds. You are anything but lazy. Please don't feel deterred by the words of a man who is ignorant and unkind . I'm so sorry.

jaseyraex · 14/09/2017 11:53

You are certainly not lazy! Some men don't realise how demanding babies are, especially when they go back to work and think you're at home watching daytime TV all day. I mean, surely HE is lazy for not just emptying the tumble dryer himself. Have a chat with him about how your day goes, make him understand how hard it is tending to a new baby and also trying to be the perfect wife. He needs to respect you need down time and sometimes things just won't get done right away and it's not the end of the world. It takes a while to get in to the swing of things.

Nanny0gg · 14/09/2017 11:57

He's a pig.

That's it really.

chocatoo · 14/09/2017 11:59

You are not being lazy. He is jealous of you being at home.
I suspect if the roles were reversed, I would feel jealous if I was the one who had to go out to work - rather than stay home to work!

Apologies as I haven't had time to read the whole thread, do you have parents or PIL who could have a discreet word with him? Also maybe they could be assigned the task of producing the cakes!?
You are probably feeling v sensitive to criticism at this stage, so try not to let it fester.

guilty100 · 14/09/2017 12:02

Oh my God, your DP is a total arse.

diddl · 14/09/2017 12:03

So he's off atm & you're still doing the school run & cooking the evening meal-plus the caring for a newborn of course!

He should be doing everything else!

isthismummy · 14/09/2017 12:06

Why isn't he on paternity leave op?

Original poster
thegreenlight · 14/09/2017 12:17

He only took a week paternity after baby came. He had a week before as I was in labour from the Saturday before he was born, was sent home and told it could happen any time. It didn't Angry but we hung on in case. Also he had a big project at work and told me in no uncertain terms he would go back then whatever happened so he may as well take a weeks holiday before and 1 week paternity afterwards.

OP posts:
TheBoyWhoWouldntHoeCorn · 14/09/2017 12:28

I feel so sorry for you OP

You have a tiny new baby and are not having an easy time breastfeeding, you should be being supported to focus on recovering from the birth and looking after your baby, and very little else unless and until you feel up to it

Home made cakes indeed Angry

BarbarianMum · 14/09/2017 12:32

You cooked tea? Shock From what I remember from mine, I did nothing but breastfeed and sleep for the first few weeks. And watch Cbeebies w ds1.

Mrskeats · 14/09/2017 12:41

In some cultures a new mum and baby are given time to bond and recover by not leaving the house; husband and friends and family do everything else.
What he wants is so ridiculous. Dragging you out etc. Words fail me.

Gottagetmoving · 14/09/2017 12:44

When I had my first baby, I didn't get out of PJs for the first two weeks. All I did was feed her and wash her clothes and got my own lunch,
My ex husband had to work and do everything when he came home.
I don't know if that was lazy, but I don't care. I was shell shocked after a long difficult birth and not having a clue what I was doing.

Motoko · 14/09/2017 12:52

Hes like a super dad a lot of the time but he's very good at not doing things when he wants to and having no guilt but making me feel awful when he feels I'm not doing enough. I have anxiety and I never know which version of him I'm going to get

No wonder you have anxiety, not knowing whether he's going to be nice or nasty. It's a classic abusers trick OP. If they were nasty all the time, you'd find it easier to leave, so they're nice sometimes, in order to confuse you, because you think "well, there are good times, they do help with the , so it's not that bad"

Is he ever nasty to you in front of other people?

I suspect that if he wasn't around, your anxiety would reduce.

Tell him to do one. You've just had a baby.

dollydaydream114 · 14/09/2017 12:52

I am currently off on maternity with a 2 week old EBF baby

I don't even need to read the rest. You aren't lazy.

Getout21 · 14/09/2017 12:54

As someone who is proper lazy I can definitely say you are not.

He sounds mean!

isthismummy · 14/09/2017 13:05

Assign somebody else to make his cakes chocatoo? Really?

Here's a thought...he could bake his own bloody cakes. He could even just buy them at the shop and stop guilt tripping his partner about it.

sleepymama81 · 14/09/2017 13:08

I'm glad he apologised to you. To give you some context I'm a SAHM to just one child and sometimes even now I don't get time to finish the washing or whatever else job needs doing that day.

My child is nearly 18 months old!

Bake a cake? I haven't baked a cake since I was pregnant. OH on the other hand has baked several. Give him the recipe and tell him to crack on. I've often had to point out to my OH that SAHM stands for stay at home mother, not stay at home maid. It's starting to sink I can't finally.

BF is hard! Especially in the early days. Sounds like you are doing amazingly well. Don't let him wreck this time for you. If he starts again, put him straight immediately and do not stand for any more of his nonsense.

hellsbellsmelons · 14/09/2017 13:08

Jeeeezzz
This guy sounds like a proper fuckin' dick-head!
Not helpful, but you know this is NOT OK.
Time for a heart to heart chat with knob-chops!

RiseToday · 14/09/2017 13:25

He sounds very controlling. He certainly has very high expectations of you and you sound like you're desperate to appease him all the time.

Difficult to change the dynamic in a relationship like this because it has probably been the status quo for so long. But if you stay with him then you need to try and stand up to him and his demands. Expecting a home cooked meal every day and cakes is just beyond ridiculous, but I suspect there are plenty of other things he does too in his quest to turn you into the perfect 1950's housewife.

chocatoo · 14/09/2017 13:27

isthismummy I say this because my MIL would have been delighted to be assigned such an 'important job' to aid her DS ;-) (also she bakes great cakes and something she could easily do which would mean a lot to DH).

GabsAlot · 14/09/2017 13:43

your missing the point choc

he shouldnt deman somthing and get it when his wife is recovering from birth-u dont run round trying to get someone else to bake his flipping cakes

isthismummy · 14/09/2017 14:19

He shouldn't be damanding bloody cakes in the first place chocatoo His wife has just had a baby. He should be helping her, not making pathetic demand like he is.

I'd hope your MIL would shove the cakes up her DS backside sideways for even asking such a thing. I know I would if it was my son!

Original poster
thegreenlight · 14/09/2017 14:24

Update - I think he realises he's been a dick. 2 phone calls today (don't usually have any) he told me he was embarrassed by his behaviour this morning and is sorry. I made sure I let him know I'd literally been trapped on the sofa all day and the HV turned up and wanted him waking to check my latch so I lost the only bit of sleep time I tend to have. 15 minutes until I pick up DS1 and feeding to sleep again! Thankyou for all the support, I really did feel I was being lazy and now will stand up for myself as popular opinion is with me!

OP posts:
HermioneKipper · 14/09/2017 14:26

Wtf??! So sorry your husband is being an absolute arse hole. I was shattered with all the cluster feeding with our first and my DH had to do all the cooking, cleaning etc for the first month at least! I can't even imagine how you're doing the school run as well. He should be helping you not making ridiculous demands!