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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I lazy?

129 replies

thegreenlight · 14/09/2017 09:39

Feeling a bit upset. I am currently off on maternity with a 2 week old EBF baby. DS 1 started reception this week and just coming to terms with school run. I literally drop off at school, home, then breastfeed in 3 hour stretches! Husband was grumpy with my this morning and when he finally told me why he said it is because I am inconsiderate because I didn't empty the tumble dryer and do the washing yesterday. He told me that he is doing more now he is off and he's not happy with it. He also called me lazy when I said I would start doing the shop online instead of going to aldi (I have done a food shop in person but left baby with my mum). I have a home cooked dinner on the table for him every night when he walks in and I do all the getting ready for school etc. He basically was annoyed as I went out yesterday to buy some new breast feeding friendly clothes (and jeans as had split my maternity ones Blush) and then had work colleagues over after school to see baby (their request and I did have to tidy the house for them). Feeling really blue now and he's not answering my messages either.

OP posts:
Puppymouse · 14/09/2017 10:49

This sounds like a parallel universe OP. It can be really intense getting starting on BF. Please ignore him and know you're not at all lazy Flowers

BitOutOfPractice · 14/09/2017 10:51

Op he really isn't lovely. At all.

I would laugh at my dp if he asked me to make cakes for his business meetings and I don't have a newborn.

Amaretti40 · 14/09/2017 10:52

Firstly, if your baby is only 2 weeks old, does he not get any paternity leave at all?
He is being ridiculous, but what stands out for me is the asking for home-made cakes - especially as you say you used to do this before DC1. Either -

a) he is somehow "jealous" of the time and focus you are giving to the new baby. I know it sounds ludicrous, but some men can feel pushed out by the breastfeeding relationship in particular. Of course, they willl never admit this and it may be on a subconscious level. Maybe he didn't feel this way so much first time round as you didn't EBD so the feeding wasn't so exclusive, time-consuming and overwhelming?

b) he is taking out his own stress in you or projecting his own feelings of inadequacy to make you feel as if you're failing in some way. If it's not one thing, it will be something else and the nit-picking grinds you down.

I would put both these possibilities to him and ask him what his problem is. Also tell him you will not be made to feel inadequate and you see straight through his nonsense.

Fishface77 · 14/09/2017 10:53

He's a CUNT op.
He might be superdad but he's no superhusband.
Do what you can. Keep your head above water. Take one day at a time and look after yourself and your kids. Everything else can and will wait.

expatinscotland · 14/09/2017 10:58

He's not lovely or a super dad.

SukiTheDog · 14/09/2017 11:00

Poor you OP. You seem to have travelled in time, back to an age where men went down't pit or off t't mill, and wife stayed home wi't bairns. Tell him to fuck off and whilst he's doing his washing, he can stick yours on too!

Congratulations on your new baby. And get some ground rules sorted asap with your DH.

Mittens1969 · 14/09/2017 11:00

I agree with all PPs, that's appalling. If he wants home-made cakes he should bake them himself. Or buy them. What a selfish prick!! Angry

GabsAlot · 14/09/2017 11:04

hs not horrible?

sorry calling you lazy 2 weeks after giving birth is horrible-tell him to bak his own bloody cakes arsehole
i dont do my dhs washing he can actually manage it himself even when i offer to do it he says no its ok

Emmac50 · 14/09/2017 11:04

This man is an absolute cock! Personally I think you should get rid. This is one of 2 times you will need him to help you to help him i.e. Bring up his/your kids. Go on strike and sort your kids out.

The way he is going you'll also have pnd with this one.

Come to my home and I'll cook you a cake. You need cake if you're breastfeeding. Breastfeeding for the first 2 weeks is horrible without him being a prehistoric man about it.

As soon as you wrote the first line I was going to say no you're not lazy. My god babies are hard work let alone 2 weeks and having to take your other kid to school and having your oldest kid to deal with. At least he pisses off to work!!

2017RedBlue · 14/09/2017 11:05

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has privacy concerns and so we've agreed to take this down.

Amaretti40 · 14/09/2017 11:06

To add to point a) above, it's as if he has regressed to toddler stage, "I want cakes, I want cakes, me me me!" like he's jumping up and down for attention.
Tell him to man up. I would then throw a massive strop about the fact he's not bringing you cakes in from work daily - to keep your energy levels up.

Neverknowing · 14/09/2017 11:06

That's disgusting op. He's treating you horribly you just can't see it. This will continue until you stand up to him.
IF he is a nice guy really and just doesn't realise then I would leave the baby with him for a full day (maybe take your older child out) just to show him how hard it really is all alone with a baby all day. When you get home ask him why everything isn't perfect and dinner and cakes made. I left my DD with my partner all the time in the early days just so he knew that, actually, looking after a baby is just as hard as being at work most days. I'm not just watching tv.

JWrecks · 14/09/2017 11:10

Shock He's taking the piss!

Wtf does he think having a 2 week old baby is like? Wtf does he think having only just given birth 2 weeks ago is like? He'd bloody well BETTER be doing more now! That was a VERY lazy, selfish, inconsiderate thing to say, and I certainly hope you didn't apologise!

It sounds like maybe he's unreasonably grumpy about you having mates round? I don't know! If he's not often like this, perhaps have it out with him?

I wouldn't be sending him any messages; I'd go steely silent on him until he gets in, and then tell him he'd better have a good hard think about what he's said to you and after having the nerve to get stroppy over something he should be doing for you. Tell him to come back once he's feeling a little more grateful that you're doing all you already are WHILE your body is recovering from birth AND sustaining the life of his child, all on its own! Oh, the cheek! Angry

ArcheryAnnie · 14/09/2017 11:13

When your DH has breated a whole new human being out of his own body, and then continues to manufacture food out of his own body, when he has endured a massive medical shock to his body and yet has carried on regardless instead of staying in hospital like you normally do when something so significant has happened to your body, when he has carried on despite being woken every four hours - then he can call you lazy.

Honestly, OP, you are doing the school run, which presumably means you get out of the house and are vaguely washed and dressed and not covered in that much baby sick. That's a lot more than many women (including me) managed at 2 weeks. Then you are cooking, getting DS1 ready, all sorts of other things.

He's being an utter arse.

ArcheryAnnie · 14/09/2017 11:13

created not breated

ArcheryAnnie · 14/09/2017 11:16

Just read about the cake demand. This man is not for real. (But alas I know he is.)

BirdInTheRoom · 14/09/2017 11:16

My advice is stop caring about what he thinks. You will feel so much better if you do.

It's awful that he thinks having a new baby is so easy, and for making you feel bad, but for your own sanity just stick two fingers up to him! What's he going to do about it?? You are doing the best you can, and that is absolutely good enough. Is women tend to care too much what others think, and feel guilty about everything but you have absolutely no reason to, so don't let what he says get to you. Try the smile & nod tactic and just carry on as you are.

I would also, as soon as you can, leave him in charge of both kids, along with a list of jobs to complete. Do this as frequently as you can - he will soon get it and stfu!!

Mittens1969 · 14/09/2017 11:16

I definitely agree that he should be doing at least some of the school runs. I'm hugely impressed that you can manage to do them all!

And why isn't he having paternity leave?

Neverknowing · 14/09/2017 11:17

I don't understand why some men think their lives shouldn't change at all when they have a baby. It's okay my wife will do everything, my life will be exactly the same as before except I'll have someone fun to play with?
Nope, you should be doing more if you have a baby because babies are hard work and just because you're a man doesn't mean you get to do fuck all.

Mittens1969 · 14/09/2017 11:17

He should also be the one baking you cake!!

WishingCarrot · 14/09/2017 11:19

Oh my goodness. He's a knob. He obviously has no clue what it's like with a newborn.

Congratulations on your new arrival OP.

I was in the same boat last year. Newborn and dc1 had just started reception.

My

SilverForest · 14/09/2017 11:22

My baby is 10 weeks and I struggle to do the washing on weekdays when I'm home alone all day. And I don't have a toddler!
My husband is happy if he gets home and we're both fed and content and that's it!
Your husband is being a twat.

RachelP247 · 14/09/2017 11:24

He wants home made cakes??? WTAF????

Your DH is a bellend.

UnicornSparkles1 · 14/09/2017 11:32

Homemade cakes for work?! What the actual fuck?! Is it 1950? Tell him to get to fuck!

Be kind to yourself OP, you're doing great Flowers

intergalacticbrexitdisco · 14/09/2017 11:34

I did not leave the house for a month after my last baby. Not even joking. Doing the school run would have been impossible.