For dp's wine to not come out of household finances.

[Iamthinking]

I am in the process of rearranging our household finances. It is long overdue. I am setting up a joint account, and we will both keep an individual account each. All bills, savings and family things will come out of the joint account, we will give each of us a monthly allowance of what is left. I am thinking maybe £500 each.

The problem is that he drinks A LOT of wine. For years now he has drunk at least a bottle of wine a night without a break. He doesn't get the cheapest wines, he really enjoys reading, learning and talking about wine and knows a lot on the subject (intellectualising his functional alcoholism, some might say). I am nearly tee total at home, I maybe have a glass per week.

I think he spends between £10-£15 per bottle, so an awful lot per month. And I want to suggest that if he insists on spending so much on it, that it should come out of his spends.
But if we are allotting £500 each for our spending money, that would eat away at most of his, and he is the only earner as I am currently a SAHM. That seems very harsh. But on the other hand, I don't see why I should finance his boozing....

I am being unusual for suggesting this? As it will be a bit of an icky conversation when it happens. I want to have thought it through properly.

She'll be telling us the animal puts beans on his fry up next Falconhoof1

I agree with KungFuEric

The ones who think OP is lucky, little woman, be grateful etc are being cunts

Not me. I think if one person is SAH then it's a recognition that each person plays an equal part and makes an equal contribution. Not the same contribution but equal regardless.

The OPgrated because she's talking about dividing finances and her not paying for him. That's not equality.

If he bought cheap wine would it be ok?

No it wouldn't.

The financial split is silly imo and a red herring. The DP needs his alcoholic issues addressed.

How much of a father is he being consuming so much alcohol every night? I take it he never takes the kids to the cinema or anywhere that would involve a car journey?
If you love him you need to intervene, not just say it's up to him. It is up to him ultimately but he needs to know it is worrying you and affecting his family.

Only if you believe OP doesn't get any say in how the money is spent (which apparently you don't)

For the couple of folks who posted along this line, I clearly stated it should be a joint decision. Not hers. Not his. Joint. If she insists on making it hers, then he is Likely to refuse and take the decision himself. It needs to be joint. She is trying to make it hers alone. We all know he's not going to buy what she is selling and joint is not, she tells him and he just agrees.

Op, the issue is you're not getting enough personal spending money each month. The answer to that is not to ensure he has none instead because he now has to classify wine as a non grocery spend based on your personal defintion

I also don't understand why it's not just one account for both of you. It's one pot of money..

I would ask, does he know you're doing this? I don't mean sorting accounts, but working out an allocation of money for your personal spending or is it a bigger discussion you need to take?

hang on a minute, how about I just don't share any of my salary with you

Well that's fine. She can just bill him the cost of half what 24/7 nanny cover plus a full time housekeeper costs for his share of looking after their DCs. Even deducting bed and board is going to leave the OP with more than £500 pm personal spending money.

We have the same financial set up with joint money and individual money. So I choose to pay for a monthly massage and new clothes, he chooses to pay for sport and tobacco. We can't criticise as it's our own assigned money. Perfectly sensible way to arrange things.

Crocodile he does know. I have said it seriously on two separate occasions.

It doesn't affect family in terms of driving because the situation has never arisen. Ferrying around in the evenings is my job.

Trouble is barbaraof she can't do that, she can leave him and apply for the child maintenance he would be due to pay. I really don't think it's helpful talking in hypothetical scenario salaries of nannies and cleaners and laundry maids, when that's not how the real world works.

If he is drinking up to 2 bottles of wine a night, he is drink driving every time he drives before mid afternoon.

Well if the cap doesn't fit, don't wear it believeitornot. Though I must say, your contention that him saying why should I pay for you to be a SAHM would be using the same logic was a very strong contender for the most batshit post this thread.

She can just bill him the cost of half what 24/7 nanny cover plus a full time housekeeper costs for his share of looking after their DCs. Even deducting bed and board is going to leave the OP with more than £500 pm personal spending money

And he will,laugh in her face, chuck her out and pay minimum child maintenance. Seriously you think he will take the invoice and pay her? In what planet does that happen. She's hugely vulnerable here, she isn't married to him.

Op, when you say ferrying around in evenings, how old are your kids? Are they at school?

And when you say he knows, is he in agreement, or does he just know?

Just to intervene here and say that no-one is going to be refusing to pay for anyone, presenting bills for anything, no-one is going to be chucking anyone out. That is not where we are at.

Hi OP,

I have a sort of similar problem, except we're both drinkers, but he's worse and I am trying very hard to cut down, and I earn too. We have separate finances, but are married. In the past, I've stopped drinking altogether for long periods. He never has. The amount we, and when I'm not drinking, just he, spend on booze upsets me. However, you can't tell an alcoholic to stop being an alcoholic. You can only choose how you behave. So for all those saying the OP should tackle the problem that her DP is alcoholic, how do you propose she does that exactly? He will decide to quit, or not. Obviously she has decided she can live with it (for now). Talk to him about the cash. I'm guessing he might be persauded to find cheaper wine, but I'll bet there's not much likelihood he'll cut down...

Do you feel he will respond well to being told that wine is a personal expenditure rather than a grocery expense?

Or is that just your starting point in negotiations, where you will perhaps concede that £X figure of wine will be household but ultimately will give you more personal spends?

Do you believe your partner is a selfish man, or he's just oblivious of your day to say costs?

And when you say he knows, is he in agreement, or does he just know?

Mmmm. The words that come out of his mouth indicate that he is in agreement that he drinks too much and should have some days off. However, actions..
He is definitely not in agreement about the NHS weekly guidelines of drink though, which is all very convenient.

If he's really an alcoholic, as so many people are suggesting, then he's not going to WANT you to buy his wine on the household budget and with the rest of the groceries, because he's actually drinking a lot more than you think.

What if the conversation went something like this: you like drinking nice wine, how much do you think we need to budget for it?

I assume that at the moment you aren't buying it with the rest of the groceries. Why don't you offer to do that, and see what he says? Perhaps if you take control of ordering it you can come to a reasonable compromise, e.g. five bottles a week of wine costing about £10 on average. If he then needs to buy more wine on TOP of that, then I think he will have to confront a drinking problem that's getting quite out of control. If he says "five bottles is fine but I want to be able to spend more on them," then the excess should come out of his "personal" allowance.

I don't think in principle that spending £50 a week on booze between you is unreasonable.

Ignore the sahm badgers op. It's a fucking lot of money to spend on wine so you're right to think about where it comes from. Fwiw dh and I took alcohol out of our food budget and gave it a separate budget. Not out of our own spends but it's a heck of a lot less than what your dp is spending.
I'm sure you're aware you have bigger problems than where the money for it comes from. My mum drinks a bottle of wine a night. At least I assume she still does. I no longer speak to her after midday because she's always pissed. She has been this way since I was a child (in mid 30's now) it's a running "joke" which isn't fucking funny in my family about her drinking. Don't let your kids grow up with this as a father. Alcohol will always come first. Please make it so your kids know you will always put them first. LTB

Ffs I bloodycorrected sodding autocorrect and it still changed bashers to badgers! Fucks sake!

Any 'bottle' a night would scare me (on a work night especially).
Maybe I'm a twat, but we keep those nights (random, not often), to the weekends.

So £300 min on wine a month?? That's insane! And it's not like he's enjoying 6 £50 excellent wines to further his interest he's just killing himself. Fuck him, let him sort his own money

I think you need to ask him if he sees wine as an essential (joint budget) or luxury.

If he says it's an essential... he might want to have a think about why.

So something that costs minimum £300 a month and means he can't ever drive his kids anywhere in an evening 'doesn't impact on the children'. Of course not.

"The words that come out of his mouth indicate that he is in agreement that he drinks too much and should have some days off. However, actions.. "

That is the nature of alcoholism. In fairness he sounds quite a functional alcoholic with much posher taste than most, but the situation is unlikely to get better as the years go on.

I think the most effective thing you could do is this:

Phone the local cops. Get a nice bobby and explain the situation and that you want to help DP. After a heavy night, when he sets off in the morning- phone and grass him up. When he gets arrested, bollock the fuck out of him and then support him making changes. Never let on what you did.

Ah I meant is he in agreement the finances should be sorted in the manner you're doing. if he is, it's just a case of agreeing a number...