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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

For dp's wine to not come out of household finances.

415 replies

Iamthinking · 13/09/2017 14:55

I am in the process of rearranging our household finances. It is long overdue. I am setting up a joint account, and we will both keep an individual account each. All bills, savings and family things will come out of the joint account, we will give each of us a monthly allowance of what is left. I am thinking maybe £500 each.

The problem is that he drinks A LOT of wine. For years now he has drunk at least a bottle of wine a night without a break. He doesn't get the cheapest wines, he really enjoys reading, learning and talking about wine and knows a lot on the subject (intellectualising his functional alcoholism, some might say). I am nearly tee total at home, I maybe have a glass per week.

I think he spends between £10-£15 per bottle, so an awful lot per month. And I want to suggest that if he insists on spending so much on it, that it should come out of his spends.
But if we are allotting £500 each for our spending money, that would eat away at most of his, and he is the only earner as I am currently a SAHM. That seems very harsh. But on the other hand, I don't see why I should finance his boozing....

I am being unusual for suggesting this? As it will be a bit of an icky conversation when it happens. I want to have thought it through properly.

OP posts:

danTDM · 13/09/2017 18:24

I didn't say he treated her as a servant I said he should be able to buy wine if he wants. He earns the money, they are not married. Fact. He sounds like he is giving the OP access to his money, no servant about it.

She has said herself the children miss out on nothing because of it.

Crocodilesoup · 13/09/2017 18:24

In this scenario it seems far more likely the OP will be the one doing any leaving, not the man.

Pawpainting · 13/09/2017 18:27

For now OP. He is doing damage to his liver, that is a fact.

It's not "a fact" though, unless he has been the doctor for liver function tests which show impaired function and you somehow know this? Not even all chronic alcoholics end up with cirrhosis , AFAIK it's somewhere around 20-30%?

I agree it is too much though OP. Could you suggest he starts with a couple of alcohol free days a week and see if he can do it? has he seen a doctor, Could you convince him to go for a full check up? The only problem with that through is that a clean bill of health will only give him carte Blanche to continue drinking everyday. Bottom line is, he won't stop unless he wants to and it doesn't sound like he wants to

LakieLady · 13/09/2017 18:28

With some wines around 12 units a bottle, and applying the principle of metabolising one unit of alcohol per hour, if he stops drinking at 11.00pm, he wouldn't be fit to drive until nearly lunchtime. It must surely impair his performance at work.

I think finances are the least of your worries, OP.

Wolfiefan · 13/09/2017 18:29

You try not to look?
Time to get a bloody grip and accept you are living with someone with an alcohol problem. A serious one.
The money is not the issue here.

danTDM · 13/09/2017 18:30

Well I'm 47, often drink a bottle of wine and just had my liver checked and it is perfect.

I really wouldn't start to tell him how to spend his money if the rest of the family is not impacted so, in answer to your OP YABU

Walkingdead11 · 13/09/2017 18:31

Pawpainting

ANY Dr or other health professional worth their salt would say that is a damaging amount of alcohol. It's actually quite funny how many people don't see an issue but we know there are many functioning alcoholics around.

Original poster

Iamthinking · 13/09/2017 18:32

To anyone who thinks I don't worry about him and his liver. I do. But that was not what this thread was about.
I think Oblomov also hit the nail on the head way way back at the beginning of the thread when s/he said that I was using it as an 'in' to start a conversation. I actually don't think there is anything I can do or say to change the quantity of drink, it is what it is until he takes the bull by the horns.

OP posts:

reetgood · 13/09/2017 18:32

I'm aware of legal rights as an unmarried couple, @kungfueric .

In this particular situation, would the budgeting and alcohol consumption be solved by getting married?

Or perhaps it might be best to address the budgeting issues. As a real couple in real life. There's other issues being flagged here but financial abuse is not one of them.

Of course no-one has ever managed to have a co-habiting equitable joint finance relationship apart from the 40 year union that in the product of.

I get what you're saying re being aware of the legal standing and potential vulnerabilities, but I'm not sure it's actually helpful or indeed a solution the op would choose. Calling her grabby is supremely helpful.

Dutch1e · 13/09/2017 18:32

@LakieLady that would be true if he also started drinking at 11pm, chugging an entire bottle within a minute. If he started drinking at 7pm, he would be ok by 7am.

Walkingdead11 · 13/09/2017 18:33

danTDM

Denial is a powerful thing........

Wolfiefan · 13/09/2017 18:34

Until he .....
He clearly doesn't see it as an issue.
So what are you going to do? I couldn't stay. I really couldn't.

expatinscotland · 13/09/2017 18:35

'Well I'm 47, often drink a bottle of wine and just had my liver checked and it is perfect.'

I do, too, every now and again. This guy drinks at least a bottle of wine, every single night, no breaks. His liver isn't going to be perfect for long.

Falconhoof1 · 13/09/2017 18:35

Essentially the OP is saying he is wasting a huge amount of money. He is. No one needs wine in that quantity. It would kill me thinking of all that money being (literally) pissed see away. I recently cut down my alcohol (2 bottles per week to one) to try and save a bit of money. It's so expensive and unnecessary.

VioletCharlotte · 13/09/2017 18:36

A bottle of wine a night isn't great, but it's not that unusual, and certainly not a reason to end the relationship if everything else is ok.

I think it's something you need to discuss between you. Does he think his wine should come out of the grocery budget? I think if it were me, I'd suggest an amount you feel reasonable for alcohol each week to come out of the shopping budget (maybe £20?) If he wants extra then it should come out of his allowance.

KungFuEric · 13/09/2017 18:37

I'm saying if you poke the alcoholic and tell him he needs to be giving her more cash and spending his only free spends on wine, he might think 'hang on a minute, how about I just don't share any of my salary with you?'

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 13/09/2017 18:37

Why not cap it ? 2 - 3 bottles a week maybe

The rest he covers

that's what we do and I drink a bit too much

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 13/09/2017 18:38

That's also an in to start the conversation and a reasonable approach

kittybiscuits · 13/09/2017 18:38

He is camouflage drinking. Various bottles on the go to conceal the full amount. A lot of the comments on this thread are a disgrace to Mumsnet. He is an alcoholic. You cannot really protect yourself financially. When you leave him - and you will in the end - his financial priority will be himself and his addiction. If you have anything, he will try and take it. He will fight to give you less than the legal minimum at all times. This type of drinker does not change. I was told my a consultant haematologist that a person who has been drinking at this level for 15 years has 10-15 years to live at most before it kills them. No, it's not what you asked. But that is the reality of your relationship.

leighdinglady · 13/09/2017 18:39

Why do people keep going on about OP being a SAHM??? It's not HIS money and she's not sitting on her arse. She's raising his children and that's job. A job someone would need to be paid for if she went to work. Of course it's nothing to do with his boozing.

yanbu - he needs the wake up call

Pawpainting · 13/09/2017 18:40

walkingdead - as you can see from the rest of my post, I do see it an issue. It's too much and is potentially causing physical damage. Saying that it's a fact that he is damaging his liver though and providing scare stories about wet brain and liver failure aren't going to help the OP. No one knows the state of his health.

If I were her I would address it with him but start making a contingency plan. It's up to him to decide he wants to stop and if he won't, chances are his consumption will increase over time

EamonnWright · 13/09/2017 18:41

He puts red wine in the fridge?

Leave the Bastard!

Falconhoof1 · 13/09/2017 18:43

Eamonn I thought that too!

BananaShit · 13/09/2017 18:45

The sahm comments can broadly be divided into two groups.

The ones who think OP is lucky, little woman, be grateful etc are being cunts. Then there are others who've pointed out that being a sahm given her other circumstances (unmarried, apparently only one income source, partner who is drinking enough to be a health risk) does mean she doesn't hold much power if DP decides to be a dick about it.

LexieLulu · 13/09/2017 18:45

Have you had the discussion with him yet OP?

Can I ask if you drink at all?

I think you're right? His alcohol doesn't count as your family expenses x

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