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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For dp's wine to not come out of household finances.

415 replies

Iamthinking · 13/09/2017 14:55

I am in the process of rearranging our household finances. It is long overdue. I am setting up a joint account, and we will both keep an individual account each. All bills, savings and family things will come out of the joint account, we will give each of us a monthly allowance of what is left. I am thinking maybe £500 each.

The problem is that he drinks A LOT of wine. For years now he has drunk at least a bottle of wine a night without a break. He doesn't get the cheapest wines, he really enjoys reading, learning and talking about wine and knows a lot on the subject (intellectualising his functional alcoholism, some might say). I am nearly tee total at home, I maybe have a glass per week.

I think he spends between £10-£15 per bottle, so an awful lot per month. And I want to suggest that if he insists on spending so much on it, that it should come out of his spends.
But if we are allotting £500 each for our spending money, that would eat away at most of his, and he is the only earner as I am currently a SAHM. That seems very harsh. But on the other hand, I don't see why I should finance his boozing....

I am being unusual for suggesting this? As it will be a bit of an icky conversation when it happens. I want to have thought it through properly.

OP posts:
Original poster
Iamthinking · 13/09/2017 20:11

KungFuEric, I wouldn't tell him anything. I would ask him what he thought and tell him what I thought.

I think he can be selfish with some things. He is oblivious to the day to day costs. I don't know if he is selfish with money because I don't ask for much and I am quite frugal. He always says I only have to ask if I want more, but I don't like to and will do all I can to avoid doing that.

OP posts:
EamonnWright · 13/09/2017 20:18

Phone the local cops. Get a nice bobby and explain the situation and that you want to help DP. After a heavy night, when he sets off in the morning- phone and grass him up. When he gets arrested, bollock the fuck out of him and then support him making changes. Never let on what you did.

Do not, under any circumstances, take this fucking advice.

Original poster
Iamthinking · 13/09/2017 20:19

flowersonthepiano thank you for that.

OP posts:
Believeitornot · 13/09/2017 20:19

Though I must say, your contention that him saying why should I pay for you to be a SAHM would be using the same logic was a very strong contender for the most batshit post this thread

Because it comes from the same logic of splitting finances into "yours and mine", that's why. The fact he spends it on alcohol is a red herring.

He has an alcohol problem. If he drunk a bottle of cheap wine a night, then would the OP be as bothered...

Original poster
Iamthinking · 13/09/2017 20:20

He only drives at the weekend btw.

He has not been home long, and when I saw him I felt so guilty for talking about him at such length here with strangers.

OP posts:
BananaShit · 13/09/2017 20:23

Coming from the communal pot doesn't make it remotely comparable though. A sahp provides childcare. A bottle of wine does not.

Believeitornot · 13/09/2017 20:24

There isn't a communal pot though... that was my point.

Slarti · 13/09/2017 20:50

A sahp provides childcare. A bottle of wine does not.

Yes, she provides childcare, and he provides money. That's why it's wrong to say she is financing his wine. They are both contributing to the household finances in different ways, so she has no right to say she's financing him and use that argument to control his spending. I would also bet that if she wasn't a SAHM she would be contributing more than they currently save on childcare fees, so the argument that he is financing her probably has more weight to it.

Winebottle · 13/09/2017 20:59

I think it is reasonable to have similar amounts to spend on personal luxuries.

If he wants to spend £500 a month on wine, you should have £500 to spend on whatever you are in to. If you can't afford that as a couple, he should buy cheaper wine or drink less of it.

I'm a bit surprised by some of the reaction on here to his drinking. If is perfectly possible to be a great dad, partner, employee and drink a bottle of wine a night. It is not a ridiculous amount.

I think it only needs addressing if it leads damaging behaviour. If he is still a good partner when drinking, it is just a health issue comparable to being overweight. Its not good for you but none of us are perfect.

BananaShit · 13/09/2017 21:13

But there's about to be believeitornot. The analogy is a poor one.

Yes, she provides childcare, and he provides money. That's why it's wrong to say she is financing his wine. They are both contributing to the household finances in different ways, so she has no right to say she's financing him and use that argument to control his spending.

Actually, it's not necessarily wrong. We don't have enough information to be able to make that call.

It's possible OP's SAHPing means he has over £500 a month for wine when he wouldn't otherwise. It's also possible that if they weren't a couple, after he'd paid for his own costs and child maintenance, he wouldn't have it either. A third possibility is that he's taking more than his equal share of fun money which, since both contributions are equal, might well be viewed as the one taking the lesser share to be subbing the other.

The only thing to do with that statement is to say we need more information to see if it's true- anything else is an assumption.

I would also bet that if she wasn't a SAHM she would be contributing more than they currently save on childcare fees, so the argument that he is financing her probably has more weight to it.

You're basing that on absolutely nothing though. Zero information about number of children, age, location, OPs earning potential. Again, assumptions.

Crocodilesoup · 13/09/2017 21:14

Winebottle sounds like you have a vested interest!
You are wrong to think it's not an unreasonable amount. It's not comparable to being overweight, it's comparable to being morbidly obese.

MonkeyPoozzled76 · 13/09/2017 21:14

Iamthinking I know my post was way off your original question and but I just wanted to come back and say there is absolutely nothing you can do to make him cut back or stop the drinking. He's the only one who can make a start on that, and only when he wants. You've just got to decide if you and your kids can wait for that point if it comes.

Perhaps looking at black and white figures of how much he actually spends each month on his wine might be an opener to a more difficult conversation. Or maybe looking the contents of the recycling bin (although dad eventually started doing secret bottle runs to conceal the amounts). I don't know, he may be in complete denial and you may never get through but its already affecting you (turning a blind eye) you and it will affect your kids.

I don't know how old your children are but they will notice at some point. We noticed the slurred speach, secret bottle runs, the tempers, his smell, the drunk driving in the mornings. He will start missing things, not taking notice of schools stuff, emotional stuff. To all outside eyes my brother and I had a very comfortable childhood, good private schools, lovely holidays, university education but his drinking has properly fucked us both up in a mirriad of ways. All those material things have never been worth feeling like he cared more about the next drink than us.

I'll get off my soap box now and I'm sorry if I've completely missed the mark but do wish you all the best in finding some peace with all of this.

BananaShit · 13/09/2017 21:15

OP do you actually have access to enough money to allow you to be anything other than very frugal? Do you think it's ok that you would have to 'ask' for more and what do you think it would happen if you did?

wotabastard · 13/09/2017 21:22

I'm really Shock at pp's thinking drinking 365+ bottles of wine a year is not a fucking problem!

OP I wish you luck in getting to the bottom of this and hopefully either he deals with his addiction or you take steps to get out of it for the sake of you and your precious kiddies. Flowers

Believeitornot · 13/09/2017 21:28

It wasn't an analogy.

This para summed it up better than I did: Yes, she provides childcare, and he provides money. That's why it's wrong to say she is financing his wine. They are both contributing to the household finances in different ways, so she has no right to say she's financing him and use that argument to control his spending
The OP itself said that why should she finance his drinking.

My point and I stand by this is that the cost of the wine is irrelevant. The problem is his drinking! But I made my first post because I thought that adopting a me vs him approach to finances was wrong. So there are two wrongs here - the finances and the drinking.

timeisnotaline · 13/09/2017 21:50

I can't believe all the people calling it his money. Yes he could walk away, but that doesn't change the fact that right now it is their money.

Winebottle · 13/09/2017 22:20

Crocodilesoup It is very damaging to his health but I think it is only unreasonable if it effects his family and that is not necessarily true with a bottle a night.

Its unreasonable to prevent your partner from doing as they please unless it harms you. The money issue needs addressing because that impacts on her but his health is a longer term problem. You can live 50 years drinking a bottle of wine a night. Alcohol may be more harmful but in principle, it is no different to saying "you are eating a whole pack of biscuits a night. I'm taking the kids."

He should be judged on his actions not on the number of bottles in the recycling.

Puffpaw · 13/09/2017 22:44

is just such a LOT, LOT, LOT of money on one thing for one person, isn't it!
Just track all spends for 3 months, break out alcohol as one of the categories, along with food, toiletries etc. and all the other bills, and sit down and organise the budget together. If he sees how much he is spending on wine it might make him stop and think.
I think he probably does have a problem.

Crocodilesoup · 13/09/2017 22:54

Damaging your health does affect your family. We are also unsure that it is no more than one bottle a day. I am pretty sure his life assurance premiums, for example, would be high if he told the truth to them, which would rather suggest he is at higher risk of death.

Goldfishshoals · 13/09/2017 23:38

I'm really surprised at how many posters think that partners having an equal slice of their money (after necessary household costs) to spend on the fun stuff of their choosing is 'complicated' or 'controlling' or 'unfair'.

It seems the absolute easiest and fairest way to do things to me.

Whatthefoxgoingon · 13/09/2017 23:46

I thought I'd posted but it seems not.

1 bottle=10 units=70 units per week

Recommended units per week= 14

Those of you saying a bottle per night is not much are seriously deluded. He's a clear cut alcoholic.

EamonnWright · 13/09/2017 23:48

Units per week is absolute shite but it's 21 for a man, just for clarity.

MrsTerryPratchett · 13/09/2017 23:51

I also think the NHS guidelines are bullshit, because they are. However, setting boundaries on drinking and sticking to them is a good thing. Things like sticking to an amount (no multiple bottles open at once), having at least two drink-free days per week, maybe even doing dry January or similar. These things are beneficial.

The reason is not solely, or mostly, health, it is about control. He needs to be able to have boundaries and control over his substance use. Denial is strong and one way that people can fight denial is to try to set up boundaries. If they can't stick to them, they probably have a problem.

The other thing to bear in mind is that just because a drinker isn't staggering around shouting at his family, doesn't mean there isn't harm. Emotional absence is commonly reported in the children of alcoholics. The drinking parent just avoided stressful emotional stuff by drinking, they didn't engage on a real level with the children. The emotional heavy lifting was done by the non-drinking parent. It can be really damaging.

And, as they get older, teens report one of the reasons they use drugs is that they see their parents relaxing, celebrating and socializing with their drug of choice (alcohol). Teens aren't stupid, they know that cannabis and alcohol are not so different. So if they want to relax, celebrate or socialize, clearly drugs are the way. You can't argue with unhealthy drug use when you taught it in your house.

Whatthefoxgoingon · 13/09/2017 23:59

No the new DOH guidelines are 14 units for both men and women.

The OPs husband is drinking far in excess of any guidelines of any country.

He's probably drinking 100 units plus. I doubt very much he can stop overnight, or even want to, as he doesn't think he has a drinking problem.

MrsTerryPratchett · 14/09/2017 00:28

Just in case... if he's drinking near 3 bottles a night he is an actual clinical alcoholic as in he would have physical, possibly serious, symptoms quitting cold turkey. He would need medical supervision.