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AIBU?

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Original poster

For dp's wine to not come out of household finances.

415 replies

Iamthinking · 13/09/2017 14:55

I am in the process of rearranging our household finances. It is long overdue. I am setting up a joint account, and we will both keep an individual account each. All bills, savings and family things will come out of the joint account, we will give each of us a monthly allowance of what is left. I am thinking maybe £500 each.

The problem is that he drinks A LOT of wine. For years now he has drunk at least a bottle of wine a night without a break. He doesn't get the cheapest wines, he really enjoys reading, learning and talking about wine and knows a lot on the subject (intellectualising his functional alcoholism, some might say). I am nearly tee total at home, I maybe have a glass per week.

I think he spends between £10-£15 per bottle, so an awful lot per month. And I want to suggest that if he insists on spending so much on it, that it should come out of his spends.
But if we are allotting £500 each for our spending money, that would eat away at most of his, and he is the only earner as I am currently a SAHM. That seems very harsh. But on the other hand, I don't see why I should finance his boozing....

I am being unusual for suggesting this? As it will be a bit of an icky conversation when it happens. I want to have thought it through properly.

OP posts:
GlitterGlue · 13/09/2017 17:59

Could he stop though? Could he stop right now? I'm going to guess that he'll agree he needs to cut down then not. Because he can't.

And that's someone with an alcohol problem.

EamonnWright · 13/09/2017 17:59

It's all about the individual iamthinking.

It has derailed the thread. Supermarkets regularly have offers on like 25% if you buy 6 bottles. Maybe he could have treats twice a week or something and the supermarket stuff (which can still be very good) the rest of the time?

It is a horrendous amount of money being spent right enough.

Walkingdead11 · 13/09/2017 18:00

Iamthinking

For now OP. He is doing damage to his liver, that is a fact.

lalalalyra · 13/09/2017 18:00

Iamthinking
"Lalalalyra your husband is right, that is what has happened for years with us. Because my account is the 'working' account, all my money goes on the DCs and their various needs. I just get what is left over, which has become very little as time has gone on."

You are absolutely right to rectify that. It happens a LOT in DH's trade. Because the people working (not just men, but mostly) have a lot of expenses if they're not very careful the people at home (they are away a lot) end up living on very little. He knows of at least 5 marriages that ended because the partner at home got incredibly resentful.

It works for us very well. A lot of people think it's odd to have a joint account for bills and then our own, but it really does work well. Especially because we're very different - DH has a night out every month whereas I'm more likely to have a weekend away with the girls once or twice a year. Out of context it can seem like me spending £600 on a weekend is vastly more than his £100 night out, but when he has 12 nights out and I have 2 weekends its actually the same.

We also deliberately opened our own accounts in a different bank from our joint account after being royally caught out by NatWest having a weekend of technical issues one time.

reetgood · 13/09/2017 18:01

Wtf @kungfueric ? It's grabby to want to address the household finances?

Thanking my lucky stars once again for a partner who sees us, not mine and his.

Original poster
Iamthinking · 13/09/2017 18:02

We can absorb the cost, because we currently are. It is just such a LOT, LOT, LOT of money on one thing for one person, isn't it! And ideally (in my mind) we would spend that on savings for the future.

And I did kind of pluck the £500 figure out of the air. I would envisage that exact figure being decided between us. I know what I spend from my side, but I don't know what he spends from his side that should also be a joint thing.

OP posts:
Original poster
Iamthinking · 13/09/2017 18:05

"Could he stop though? Could he stop right now? I'm going to guess that he'll agree he needs to cut down then not. Because he can't.

And that's someone with an alcohol problem."

Oh I agree Glitter!

OP posts:
KungFuEric · 13/09/2017 18:06

reet are you missing the unmarried element?

Until you legally decide to come together as one, be it in marriage or other legal recourse, either party can walk away from one another at any time.

Blankscreen · 13/09/2017 18:07

I think the problem is if you pull him up on his drinking then he'll be petty back.

If you can afford it then I think the issue isn't the money but the habit he's developed of a bottle a night.

EamonnWright · 13/09/2017 18:08

Why should he stop if it's something he enjoys and is having minimal impact though?

KungFuEric · 13/09/2017 18:08

Honestly op, it's for him to make the decision what is joint or not, the pay check gets sent to him.

It's all very well and good for you to think it should be joint, but you aren't in a formally joint Union.

reetgood · 13/09/2017 18:09

I'd do a budget template. Money saving expert have one on their site. Know exactly what you're working with, including the ones that are annual. Then you'll have a better idea of what The actual situation is.

dangermouseisace · 13/09/2017 18:11

well, I wish the best of luck to those that think it's about whether you 'handle' a bottle of wine a day.

Having seen people with Korsakoff syndrome/Wernicke's disease in their 40's, and liver failure in their 50's I won't be taking that risk. These are the people that are hidden from the general public, and don't make it to AA meetings.

I'd pretty much hazard a guess that if someone is drinking that amount every day that they are dependent on it though, i.e. an alcoholic.

BananaShit · 13/09/2017 18:12

OP how much does he actually drink? I notice you said at least a bottle of wine, and a lot of people have assumed it's just the one and made their arguments on that basis. When you say at least a bottle, are you meaning he has more than a bottle a night and if so how much more? Or are we talking other drinks?

reetgood · 13/09/2017 18:14

@kungfueric no, I'm not. Did you miss my 'partner' comment? . I also grew up in an unmarried household where there was never any question re running a joint household budget. My Dad was the earner, my Mum did more of the day to day admin. You don't need to be married to run a household equitably. You have to do more pieces of paper if you're not married with kids.

Original poster
Iamthinking · 13/09/2017 18:14

I come across as grubby!
It must be my rushed writing style as all I am trying to do is organise the household finances in an equitable way, without an argument so that everyone feels fairly treated and no-one feels shafted.

OP posts:
lalalalyra · 13/09/2017 18:16

If you are not married it's even more important that you set up something that allows you to have some money in the bank.

What is your housing situation? If his alcoholism gets worse, or costs him his job, in the future how vulnerable are you?

DailyMailReadersAreThick · 13/09/2017 18:16

Is this for real?

Your partner drinks AT LEAST a bottle of wine, every night, and your concern is which bank account the money comes out of?

danTDM · 13/09/2017 18:16

Hold on, he earns the money, it's his. It does not impact the children and you are not married and you aim to police his spending?

Nope. Bad idea and unfair.

I'm another who could drink a bottle of wine over the course of an evening and not be drunk or hungover the next day. There are millions on mumsnet who do too.

It is his pleasure.

NoSquirrels · 13/09/2017 18:18

Honestly op, it's for him to make the decision what is joint or not, the pay check gets sent to him.

And back in the Real World, where parents make a decision together about who stays at home (or not) with the DC, non-financially abusive relationships are the norm.

Blimey!

reetgood · 13/09/2017 18:18

If his alcoholism cost him his job, the op being married to him wouldn't magically improve their financial situation.

NoSquirrels · 13/09/2017 18:20

Hold on, he earns the money, it's his. It does not impact the children and you are not married and you aim to police his spending?

Shock another one!

Really - people in normal healthy partnerships who have chosen to have DC together don't treat their other halfs like servants.

KungFuEric · 13/09/2017 18:20

It gives her rights.

Right now she is a girlfriend that shares children with him. He has obligations to his children, but he can change his mind about her at any time. (Just as she can change her mind about him too.)

There's no such thing as common law wife or being life partners, there's being someone's legal spouse or not.

Do you have intentions of solidifying your position op? Does he?

Original poster
Iamthinking · 13/09/2017 18:21

Bananashit no other drinks. As for the wine I try not to look. I say at least one but actually I am not sure. Because there are often a couple on the go, as he may start with a white and then have red later. So some of the white will be left and some of the red will be left the next day.
Then the next day he will open a new one and may finish the left-overs off. I honestly don't look too closely as that would stress me.
Currently there is 1/2 bottle of white and 1/6 bottle red in the fridge.

OP posts:
Crocodilesoup · 13/09/2017 18:22

Some really cunty responses on this thread, fortunately not in the majority.
I love the posters who have somehow scanned the dp's liver and know his wine habit isn't doing him any harm! How boring it must be though - same thing every night, can never drive anywhere or be entirely sober.

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