Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For dp's wine to not come out of household finances.

415 replies

Iamthinking · 13/09/2017 14:55

I am in the process of rearranging our household finances. It is long overdue. I am setting up a joint account, and we will both keep an individual account each. All bills, savings and family things will come out of the joint account, we will give each of us a monthly allowance of what is left. I am thinking maybe £500 each.

The problem is that he drinks A LOT of wine. For years now he has drunk at least a bottle of wine a night without a break. He doesn't get the cheapest wines, he really enjoys reading, learning and talking about wine and knows a lot on the subject (intellectualising his functional alcoholism, some might say). I am nearly tee total at home, I maybe have a glass per week.

I think he spends between £10-£15 per bottle, so an awful lot per month. And I want to suggest that if he insists on spending so much on it, that it should come out of his spends.
But if we are allotting £500 each for our spending money, that would eat away at most of his, and he is the only earner as I am currently a SAHM. That seems very harsh. But on the other hand, I don't see why I should finance his boozing....

I am being unusual for suggesting this? As it will be a bit of an icky conversation when it happens. I want to have thought it through properly.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 14/09/2017 00:29

Actually two of stringer wine. 24 units a day means he's almost always under the influence.

MrsTerryPratchett · 14/09/2017 00:29

Stronger FFS. I think I need a drink.

SilverBirchTree · 14/09/2017 02:07

Since he's claiming to be a wine buff, then wine is a hobby - and should come out of his £500 personal spending.

Also you & DC are financially dependant on a drunk, you might want to make a plan that would enable you to leave if you had to.

eatabagofdicks · 14/09/2017 04:50

Christ there's a portal back to the 50's open in this thread.
I read this article daily to remind myself to be a good girl. I must add 'don't question how he spends his hard earned money'.

For dp's wine to not come out of household finances.
Slarti · 14/09/2017 07:24

don't question how he spends his hard earned money

Yes, because that's the only alternative to "take full control of finances and issue him with an allowance, which I believe I am financing."

BananaShit · 14/09/2017 09:06

Both your paragraph and the one you quote were inaccurate believeitornot. I don't necessarily disagree that the level of drinking is a bigger issue than the cost, but the fact is that wine and SAHPing are not remotely comparable and we don't have enough information to ascertain whether OP was wrong to take the view that his drinking is 'on her' or not.

Bluntness100 · 14/09/2017 09:16

I can't believe all the people calling it his money. Yes he could walk away, but that doesn't change the fact that right now it is their money

Wrong. Legally it's asbsoltely his money, he may be sharing it with her due to a beneficial reciprocal agreement, but she has no right to it, all she would have is a right to child maintenance if they split. As they are unmarried it is his money.

It's very wrong to tell an unmarried mother her partners money is hers and she has a right to share it equally. She doesn't. It's his decision totally due to the fact they are unmarried. On,y his children have a right to support not her. It is not her money.

reetgood · 14/09/2017 09:36

Unless you're in a non financially abusive relationship and choose to operate as if you're in an equal union. Yes, that's the legal situation and worth being aware of. Oth, I am in a relationship with joint assets and we have 'our' money. We are unmarried. I'm pregnant. I am making that decision with knowledge of the legal situation. I'm assuming the op is also aware of the legal situation. My partner isn't going to start calling it my money and his money because we're not married. We're a team, we decide priorities together. We are also apparently in the land of this thread, unicorns, as there's apparently no way I or op could do this without the sanction of an institution that we may or may not be that invested in....

Being married would not change the ops question about joint budgeting (as apparently many married couples still run seperate finances so she'd still have the admin issue and he could still disagree about how their money should be allocated) or the implied issue with alcoholism (because if you don't think a bottle of wine a night is a problem, you are kidding yourself). There's a long road to separation and prior to that, marriage doesn't protect you against your partner drinking £400 worth of booze a month anymore than being unmarried does.

danTDM · 14/09/2017 09:43

No, Bluntness is right. It is his money, make no mistake. If you choose not to get marries and have a child and stay at home you are in an incredibly vulnerable position. Incredibly.

All the people saying it's 'their' money are totally wrong. In an ideal world yes, but it is not an ideal world!
I stand by not policing how he spends his money. He is giving you money too, does he tell you how to spend it?

I stayed with a married friend once at NYE. Her husband had a cigarette. Not ideal I know, but she really told him off in front of people. It doesn't sit well with me, telling adults how to behave. Unless he is abusive, and you have said he is not.

Bluntness100 · 14/09/2017 09:43

My partner isn't going to start calling it my money and his money because we're not married

Sure.

However I was responding to a post, as you saw, which said it was not his money it was their money, it's not. He may chose to share it with her, as your partner is doing with you, but legally it is neither her or your money, I'm sorry there is no way round that fact. you can call it your joint money all you wish, you can spend it as such, but when it comes down to it, it is his other than any support he would have to provide for his children.

Walkingdead11 · 14/09/2017 09:44

OP, given that the majority of posters have serious concerns about your partners drinking do you think you should do something about this? Like seriously. I suggest you look at enabling behaviour and the damage done to children who grow up in alcoholic families. This is so serious, he's teaching his children that drinking as a means to unwind is a healthy thing to do, which it can be but not at the rate he's at. Children learn what is normal from their parents and despite what some say, drinking 365 bottles of wine a year is not normal, is not healthy and it is a problem.

danTDM · 14/09/2017 09:45

Glad you are happy with your decision reet hope things work out for you. Beware things change when you have a child. Men can and do go dicky and you will change too.

Marriage would protect you.

Coffeeandcherrypie · 14/09/2017 09:47

Well I feel it's his money, then he needs to start paying OP a wage for being full time housekeeper and also for providing childcare for HIS child. £35k pa minimum as a starter.

Coffeeandcherrypie · 14/09/2017 09:48

*Well if it's his money

Blasted autocorrect

IfNot · 14/09/2017 09:50

My husbands drinks bottle of wine a day for about 30 years now. Does not drink beer or hard liquor. I have never seen him drunk
No. You have never seen him sober!
Yes OPS partner is an alcoholic, and probably is drinking more than she really sees. And yes, as the child of a "functioning" alcoholic I can affirm that it IS affecting the children in so many ways. Alcoholics are selfish and their addiction will come before all else.
OP, you do need to make sure you are financially protected, and maybe it would be good for him to have to sit down and confront how much his addiction is costing him. Agree there is nothing you can do to make him drink less, but if you are planning on staying with him maybe he could drink cheaper.

I hope you don't stay with him though, because (unless he quits for good) I know how this story ends. Good luck.

Bluntness100 · 14/09/2017 09:52

Well I feel it's his money, then he needs to start paying OP a wage for being full time housekeeper and also for providing childcare for HIS child. £35k pa minimum as a starter

Well you can "feel" he should formally employ her to take care of her own children and looked after their shared home all you want, isn't going to make it happen any time soon. She's also clearly stated she would not wish such a thing. You however are free to demand your partner pays you to be the housekeeper. Let us know you go with that. Hmm

danTDM · 14/09/2017 09:52

No, it doesn't work like that though does it? They are her children too. Why would he pay all the childcare? It should be split, they should get married, she should get a job and then she can discuss how the joint finances are spent. Jointly.

But the OP thinks she is right and has a right to tell him a bottle of wine a night is too much. So I am not sure what she is asking.

Things could be a lot worse than a bottle of wine over the course of an evening at home, I can tell you.

reetgood · 14/09/2017 10:00

@dantdm thanks. I'm the product of an unmarried union, they're still together and approaching 40 years. My dad did change when I was born, in that it gave him a focus he'd previously lacked. My mum was a stay at home parent for a big part of my childhood. It wouldn't have occurred to them to start saying it was 'his' money - he used to have to be told to buy things for himself because he'd prioritise us over himself. Marriage wouldn't have changed the kind of man he is, and it won't change for the op. I've known my partner since we were 17, we've co-habited for 7 years. I'm aware we're about to enter a seismic change, but I don't see marriage as being a solution to relationship issues. I do read posts on here sometimes and feel a bit concerned for the poster, particularly when there's financial abuse. But that's not what I read here, and I really get riled by people suggesting marriage as the go to solution! I appreciate my experience may be slightly not the norm, but that doesn't mean it's not possible.

ThePants999 · 14/09/2017 10:00

Oh, Mumsnet, never change. OP: "would this budgeting change be reasonable?" First reply: "LTB". Fucking FACEPALM.

On the current money debate: legally it might be his money, but nobody should ever agree to become a SAHP unless their partner agrees their income will be joint property, or they pay the SAHP a fair wage for the job they're doing.

danTDM · 14/09/2017 10:08

My husband drinks a bottle of wine a day and I have never seen him drunk.

No, you have never seen him sober.

Errr, I think she probably has seen him sober! A bottle of wine a day does not a permanently drunk person make.

There are days when I am relaxed, slept well and have had exercise, a big healthy dinner and a bottle of wine over 6 hours and it barely has an effect on me.
I am definitely not drunk.

Walkingdead11 · 14/09/2017 10:11

danTDM

Er that's because your liver is not working as effectively as it could and you have built up a tolerance.......

danTDM · 14/09/2017 10:15

My liver is fine thanks walking Just had an MRI for something else. Perfect healthy liver!

IfNot · 14/09/2017 10:47

Let me clarify what I really mean by "sober".
When you drink a bottle a day you probably won't "feel" drunk. But your senses are dulled, your brain function is compromised and your sleep is affected, having the effect of making you more irritable the next day.
If you drink a bottle every day, day in day out, your body is continually processing alchohol, to the detriment of your other body functions.
When you are not drinking, you are looking forward to drinking. This is not nessecarily noticeable to anyone else, unless something gets in the way of your drinking. Then come the snappiness, the impatience, the depression.
I'm not teetotal, and I can drink most people under the table, but denial about drinking in these quantities is not helpful to anyone.

Whinesalot · 14/09/2017 10:52

Add the cost of his wine to the £500 x 2 budget then divide it by two (or increase it more if you can).

You start saving as much of yours as possible so that you have some money saved for the day that you realise you don't want to stay married to an alcoholic.

FrustratedTeddyLamp · 14/09/2017 11:15

For those of you saying that she doesn't contribute financially because she is a SAHM-how much money do you think he would have to drink if he were paying for the cost of childcare?

This works in normal relationships but if they have £1000+ a month spare then I'm pretty sure he'd be able to cover it