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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU non-Birthday girl has hijacked my night out

144 replies

Shestolethewitchesredshoes · 12/09/2017 22:44

So this is a milestone celebration for me. Last month, a few of the girls and I were chatting. I said how long it's been since I've been able to just go for come cocktails and a dance. The girls arranged with all of the women to come out for drinks on my birthday. It was official for an email to be sent out, a show of hands, a generalised idea of where and when was planned.

I was excited and really pleased. I bought a new red dress and have made plans for hubby to stay home with the kids (he offered to cancel a works leaving do so that I could go!). Anyway, job done. Then I go on annual leave for two weeks.
I came back today and lo and behold. The birthday night out has been cancelled in favour of going out for another persons birthday the following month. To say I'm a little disappointed is an understatement. I was really looking forward to it. I suggested we share the night - she flat out refused!

To make matters worse, she's been harping on all day about how this is her last year before she turns that milestone to really celebrate. It's adding insult to injury.

I know it's all petty stuff so I can't really justify starting an office war but I'm pissed off. Since when did she get to change the plans in favour of her own? Why didn't anyone ask if I minded?

What do I do now?

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 13/09/2017 08:59

'there is no way a month is a barrier to anyone not affording 2 events.'

Yeah, it is. Some months are worse than others for many people. I could never afford nights out with work colleagues bar once a year or so as it is so this whole nights out for a birthday every month would fly past my radar entirely.

RB68 · 13/09/2017 09:04

I would go and wear a big badge proclaiming my birthday and the number

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 13/09/2017 09:12

'there is no way a month is a barrier to anyone not affording 2 events.

To lots and lots of people it absolutely is! A decent night out, with cocktails & a club, can easily cost £100 if not more. You must be aware that many people couldn't afford that two months in a row?

mummmy2017 · 13/09/2017 09:17

But you don't need it to be expensive, you can have a meal and a few drinks for less than £30.

expatinscotland · 13/09/2017 09:21

'But you don't need it to be expensive, you can have a meal and a few drinks for less than £30.'

And you really don't understand how this is completely unaffordable for many, many, many people certain months to spend on a colleague's birthday? For real? Wow, I'd like to live in that world, but don't, like a lot of people.

AlpacaPicnic · 13/09/2017 09:38

But then that would have been mentioned in the first place, wouldn't it?
Not agreed to then dropped when a different offer came along.

Op, you should not accept this. A 29th birthday does not trump a 30th. Ask. Bluntly. "Why have you all cancelled my birthday?"

trinitybleu · 13/09/2017 09:43

I'd be emailing everyone and saying

There seems to be some kind of mix up so to clarify - night out at on x date for my 30th / 40th birthday - all welcome.

Birthday drinks for Bitchface on y date.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 13/09/2017 09:44

I have to agree with expat, Mummy

Many of us live in a financial environment where buying a cheap pair of tights involves calculations on the backs of envelopes and trying to work out what can be cut out of the budget to accommodate the expense. (My tights had so many darns in them it looked as though my legs were scarred!)

I have been in the situation (no longer, thank heavens) where I have quite literally had once slice of crappy own-brand bread to feed two children for breakfast - and I know that there are plenty out there who were, and are, even worse off.

Neither I nor DH smoke, and he went for a pint (and it was a pint) once a week - I didn't drink at all.

It's horrible, demoralising and depressing.

ChasedByBees · 13/09/2017 10:24

You absolutely need to ask. Going along to hers and being passive aggressive will only lead to people thinking you are being unreasonable as they won't know why you're being 'mean' to her.

TheWeeWitch · 13/09/2017 10:40

Do what @BenLui said upthread because -

They all need to know that they've been shits

You need to celebrate your birthday! Definitely invite some friends from outside work and make a proper night of it. If your colleagues don't show up then you will have the full measure of their (non) friendship.

TimeIhadaNameChange · 13/09/2017 11:06

Another one who thinks you need to say something.

When is your birthday night out? (Are we talking about ages away or this weekend?) And how do you know it's been cancelled? Because I'd argue that someone else can't cancel your night out.

If you haven't been told officially it's not happening I'd pretend you don't know, and send round a reminder email saying how much you're looking forward to going out on Saturday to celebrate your big deal birthday, and hope to see everyone there. If you've been told officially I'd still email, but make a bit of a joke about it and say that since you'll still be turning one year older you're still planning on heading out, whatever anyone else has heard, and would be pleased if anyone wants to join you.

I'd make plans that unfortunately clash with next month's do, and yes, invite others along so that if none of the bitches turn up you'll still have friends with you.

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 13/09/2017 14:35

But you don't need it to be expensive, you can have a meal and a few drinks for less than £30.

a) The OP had planned "cocktails and dancing" and was looking forward to that.

b) Even £30 is a lot to ask colleagues to spend on birthday nights out in consecutive months.

It sounds as though everyone was happy to bear the cost of one night out but not two. This seems perfectly normal to me.

The OP's milestone birthday should be that one night out.

Original poster

Shestolethewitchesredshoes · 13/09/2017 22:39

I was in early so I casually checked in with other birthday girl (who sits facing me over the desk patrician) and asked her directly. What happened?! As I'm confused since I thought we were celebratingy day on 23rd.
She said the gereral opinion was that I didn't confirm a date so when I wasn't in, they made other plans for the 14th of next month.
Now I know this isn't true - I searched the email trail (I had this open before even bringing up the subject!).

I also now know she is a bitch. And I won't be making any further plans with them at all. I will wear my dress. I will go with out with my husband (He's offered to ask his parents to have the kids so we can attend his leaving do together).

I'm not impressed with the others but There isn't anything I can do. They could have backed me in my absence and kept to the plan. They didn't. I really don't know why but I won't bother asking. I see no point in investing any time or energy in being upset though I will keep bear this experience in mind the next time any one tries to plan anything outside of work.

Thanks for the messages and advice. Trust the fellow Netmums to give me a push in the right direction when I need it. Thanks all 💕

OP posts:

QueenMortificado · 13/09/2017 22:43

Trust the fellow Netmums to give me a push in the right direction when I need it.

Well THIS is awkward.....

QOD · 13/09/2017 22:45

Net mums!
Wash your mouth out 😂

Ilovefoodtoomuch · 13/09/2017 22:46

😂

Butterandsugar · 13/09/2017 22:49

Hahahaha an awkward turtle moment if ever I saw one! 🐢

Original poster

Shestolethewitchesredshoes · 13/09/2017 22:54

Haha yes. I did means mumsnet !!

OP posts:

KeepServingTheDrinks · 13/09/2017 22:56

is there a tumble weed emoticon? (bet there is on Netmums!)

AlpacaPicnic · 14/09/2017 13:07

Good for you. Fuck em all. (Not literally)
Have a lovely night out with your DH.

Never make a round of teas again. No more biscuits, well maybe a packet on your birthday to make them all feel guilty. Send a 'Reply to all' from your original email chain with 'Biscuits/Cake in the staff room for my birthday' but make it really cheap nasty cake...

spermbrows · 14/09/2017 14:11

I like Alpacas idea. Or you could send an email letting them know there's cake and then when everyone goes in for cake send another that says 'sorry! Cake cancelled'.

Aeroflotgirl · 14/09/2017 14:32

Oh op, I am glad, good on you, hold your head up high and have a jolly good time, and stuff the lot of them.

fifipop185 · 14/09/2017 16:19

Spermbrows -

Abbylee · 14/09/2017 17:38

I would be profoundly happy that she didn't aim for your job position and only set her sights on your birthday party! I would not go and not pay. I worked with some nasty women who did this to me, they looked petty and nasty.

Sparklyglitter · 14/09/2017 17:53

Sorry haven't read all the other replies but this is mine! DO NOT give this mean woman any airtime! DO NOT go to her birthday bash but say that hubby has organised something special and how so very excited you are and you are so sorry to miss hers! On the night you were meant to go out organise something else with your real friends and make sure you have an absolute ball! Lots of selfie's and sharing on Facebook!! Go! Go! Go! And really enjoy your birthday!!! Xx

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