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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Tidiness Boyfriend and sex

112 replies

Mushybanna23 · 12/09/2017 11:23

Live with my boyfriend have done for a year now. He moved in with me and my family, we have a small room to ourselves with sink fridge amicrowave oven tv and sofa. it's tiny and really more inconvenient to use. Then we share a bedroom which up untill a year ago had 22 years of my stuff. I really struggle with change and tidiness. He knew I was a messy person before he moved in a fully warned him. I said I was willing to make a change. A year on I've chucked out so much stuff I no longer needed had a few massive tidy ups. I've tried to keep on top of it but with work my nan passing away and my slight laziness it's always last on my list after work. I do all the cleaning though I Hoover wash up replace toilet roll cook dinner and do the food shop. I don't mind doing all of that as I work less than him and he pays more rent earns more and I'm
Home in winter at 4. We want to buy a house next march but I don't want to unless we actually start having sex it happens so little I've tried everything. Every time I mention sex he jokes when it's tidy you can have sex like I'm some kind of child. Before all of this he was always to tired for sex. We have no space for anything wardrobe is full so I have baskets of cloths around the place with no place to go I keep washing them hanging what I can up and then it all haveing to be folded and left in the basket again. Aibu to give him the ultimatum or am I being unfair with my mess. Would renting a proper flat or house for 6 months as a tester work as an idea

OP posts:

2014newme · 12/09/2017 11:25

You aren't compatible and it sounds like he does not fancy you

EamonnWright · 12/09/2017 11:26

He's probably a bit put off with doing it at your parents home. Wouldn't bother me but some folk can be odd like that.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 12/09/2017 11:28

Go away for a cheap weekend so you can have some space sex

splendidisolation · 12/09/2017 11:28

My advice is find a new, messy boyfriend with a higher sex drive.

HopefullyDothButterNoParsnips · 12/09/2017 11:29

Tbh it doesn't sound like the most romantic of environments. I'd struggle to relax and get it on in a big cluttered mess with bags of clothes all round me. Is he affectionate in other ways? Is he 23 as well? Not to be harsh but most 23 year old lads would have sex in a wheely bin so I don't really understand it. How's the rest of your relationship?

Creambun2 · 12/09/2017 11:30

Sounds like you are on totally different pages re tidiness and sex. If a place is messy it can be hard to relax

Subtlecheese · 12/09/2017 11:32

No sex around mess? I think his hang ups are not really compatible with your sex drive.
It sounds like you do a lot for this relationship, what does he do?

ijustwannadance · 12/09/2017 11:33

Did you post about this last year?
No point buying a house if not compatable. Renting somewhere for 6 months is a good idea. Maybe you should've done it sooner.

Cath2907 · 12/09/2017 11:33

How important is sex to you? I think you need to sit down and discuss this properly. If his sex drive is much lower than yours then long term that will likely put pressure on the relationship. If it really is inhibitions from having your mum downstairs then perhaps make time for each other when your parents are out. I think he is using the "tidiness" as an excuse not to DTD. The question is why doesn't he fancy a roll in the hay?

I know sex drives can vary. Mine certainly nearly wasted away after I had the kid and hubbies remained on top form. That caused lots of discussion and compromise on both sides. Now he is on some pills that have killed his drive off and we are back to chatting and compromising so I don't have to run off with the postman to get some! We've been married 12 years so a bit of compromise for 6 months is no big deal. If this is a relatively new relationship then sexual compatibility is something you need to determine - along with all other types of compatibility. If he never changes will once a month be ok for you, if not he needs to work to change or you need to decide the relationship isn't working.

My husband is OCD and I am untidy... We worked around that. I am not sure we'd have been able to work around polar opposite sex drives early on.

Eminado · 12/09/2017 11:37

This is not the man for you, imho. Sorry.

TheRadiantAerynSun · 12/09/2017 11:37

"I do all the cleaning though I Hoover wash up replace toilet roll cook dinner and do the food shop. I don't mind doing all of that as I work less than him and he pays more rent earns more and I'm
Home in winter at 4.

So you're already doing all the skivvying and putting up with him criticising you while you beg for attention?

Nice deal he's got there.

Get rid.

Find someone who likes you.

And don't fall into the trap that earning more money let's people of the totally of the hook for doing a bit of housework.

TheNaze73 · 12/09/2017 11:40

I can see both sides here. The lack of spontaneous fuck me now type sex, would be more of a deal breaker than the mess though

TheDodgyEnd · 12/09/2017 11:41

Whether he wants to have sex because of the mess or not, using it as a way to control you is never acceptable.

unfortunateevents · 12/09/2017 11:42

You're not his girlfriend, you're the housekeeper.

Ragwort · 12/09/2017 11:43

Why has he moved in with you and your family? .

I would suggest immediately stop living together, go back to dating, see how you get on generally.

Are you both quite young? Don't tie yourself down, neither of you really sound right for each other.

FizzyGreenWater · 12/09/2017 11:43

Every time I mention sex he jokes when it's tidy you can have sex like I'm some kind of child.

Dump, instantly.

dolcezza99 · 12/09/2017 11:44

To be fair to your boyfriend, I couldn't find someone as slovenly as this attractive enough to have sex with either.

TheOldCow · 12/09/2017 11:46

Doesn't sound like much fun for either of you. I don't think relationships are meant to be like this. Why don't you go back to not living together and see how it goes. You are only 23 - what's the rush to settle down and live together.

ReanimatedSGB · 12/09/2017 11:47

Sounds like this bloke moved in to get a cheap place to live. He's probably squirrelling away savings so he can move on - without you - when he's ready.
If he was that bothered about housework he'd fucking do some of it.

TheOldCow · 12/09/2017 11:48

TBF to your boyfriend I couldn't stand the mess either. It would drive me nuts. It not exactly difficult to keep a room tidy and uncluttered.

However, I acknowledge it's up to you how you keep your own room and if you like it messy then go for it 😁

WomblingThree · 12/09/2017 11:53

Don't for god's sake buy a house. You don't sound like you actually like each other all that much.

Living in a shit hole would make me miserable, so I can see where he's coming from, but on the other hand I assume you are living cheap or free so effectively it just seems like he's a lodger. Does he have anywhere to go if he doesn't live at your parents?

Rather than renting a house together, I'd be more inclined to suggest he rented a flat on his own and you stay where you are. I don't mean break up, but see if you still want to be together after six months living separately.

peachgreen · 12/09/2017 11:56

I have to say, I'm not sure I could relax enough in that kind of cluttered mess to get in the mood for sex. But ultimately it sounds like you're incompatible on two quite serious levels so this is probably not the right relationship for either of you.

2017RedBlue · 12/09/2017 12:01

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has privacy concerns and so we've agreed to take this down.

Clandestino · 12/09/2017 12:05

Would renting a proper flat or house for 6 months as a tester work as an idea

Going separate ways would be a much better idea, from the look of the things.

NikiBabe · 12/09/2017 12:05

Is he by chance living rent free if he has moved into your families home?

If so tell him to get to fuck. Tell him to get to fuck anyway.

You're both young, living in cramped accomodation, some people are just messier than others. Your living situation wont always be like that and with more space in a flat it wouldnt be like that.

If he doesn't like it he cant get out and pay his own rent and see how he likes that and bollocks to him using sex as a bargaining chip.

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