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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Tidiness Boyfriend and sex

112 replies

Mushybanna23 · 12/09/2017 11:23

Live with my boyfriend have done for a year now. He moved in with me and my family, we have a small room to ourselves with sink fridge amicrowave oven tv and sofa. it's tiny and really more inconvenient to use. Then we share a bedroom which up untill a year ago had 22 years of my stuff. I really struggle with change and tidiness. He knew I was a messy person before he moved in a fully warned him. I said I was willing to make a change. A year on I've chucked out so much stuff I no longer needed had a few massive tidy ups. I've tried to keep on top of it but with work my nan passing away and my slight laziness it's always last on my list after work. I do all the cleaning though I Hoover wash up replace toilet roll cook dinner and do the food shop. I don't mind doing all of that as I work less than him and he pays more rent earns more and I'm
Home in winter at 4. We want to buy a house next march but I don't want to unless we actually start having sex it happens so little I've tried everything. Every time I mention sex he jokes when it's tidy you can have sex like I'm some kind of child. Before all of this he was always to tired for sex. We have no space for anything wardrobe is full so I have baskets of cloths around the place with no place to go I keep washing them hanging what I can up and then it all haveing to be folded and left in the basket again. Aibu to give him the ultimatum or am I being unfair with my mess. Would renting a proper flat or house for 6 months as a tester work as an idea

OP posts:
Tiba · 13/09/2017 09:06

Dump now.
There will always be plans and things booked to give you an excuse to delay it.

You'll enjoy yourself better without him there at all of those things

zzzzz · 13/09/2017 09:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Mushybanna23 · 13/09/2017 09:18

I can't it was an expensive holiday can't get money back not letting my mum waste it last thing I could ever do to her

OP posts:
sailorcherries · 13/09/2017 09:22

OP, were you the one who started a thread a few months ago with similar issues after living together for a few months and it then turned out that you weren't just 'messy' but quite filthy?

Clothes everywhere, washing not done, piles of stuff beside your bed and so on?

sailorcherries · 13/09/2017 09:30

I did just advance search you too.

A month ago you stated that it was the best sex ever, but you were in to bdsm and your partner is not. You knew it done nothing for him and you'd happily not mention it again, but seemed to bring it up a lot when drunk. I'd not want to sleep with someone who said they respected my decisions but then drunkly went on and on.

You've also spoke about leaving your home in December.

And bought a rather large dining table and chairs for your tiny kitchen ... I don't think your space is as limited as you make out, but it is cluttered and messy.

Original poster
Mushybanna23 · 13/09/2017 09:44

Dining table painted and sold on, sex is amazing when it happens clothes are all away in baskets I'm defiantly not filthy

OP posts:
peachgreen · 13/09/2017 11:24

"My mum paid for our holiday" is the worst excuse for not breaking up with someone I've ever heard.

Original poster
Mushybanna23 · 13/09/2017 11:39

Well I said I'm speaking to him tonight telling him what's happening after the holiday. Will tell him for my mums sake the holiday will go ahead. holidays cost a couple of thousand each so can't let mum loose out on that.

OP posts:
TheHodgeoftheHedge · 13/09/2017 12:49

Why on earth would he want to go on holiday with you if you tell him you are breaking up with him after?!!!
The holiday is paid for regardless, the money has been spent and i'm sure your mum would much rather you went alone and were happy that trailing an unhappy relationship with you.

Seriously, I think you need to do some serious growing up. Time to find your own place and stand on your own two feet.

unfortunateevents · 13/09/2017 13:03

"My mum paid for our holiday" is the worst excuse for not breaking up with someone I've ever heard - very closely followed by I have no one else to replace him!

MorrisZapp · 13/09/2017 13:12

A minute ago you said the sex was half arsed.

Hmmmmm

Creambun2 · 13/09/2017 13:15

Why are you harassing someone for stuff in bed that they have said they are not comfortable with? If a man said similar here then he would be flayed.

Butterymuffin · 13/09/2017 13:15

Well THAT'S going to be a fun holiday. Not awkward at all. Hmm

Coffeeandcherrypie · 13/09/2017 13:20

OP, the 'upper class' means people who are hereditary landowners, or peers like dukes, earls etc.

Are you really sure you're upper class? I don't think their children usually saving rent money for a mortgage.

LilaoftheGreenwood · 13/09/2017 13:32

Going out on a limb here but you sound generally confused about life. You keep saying slightly odd things. Problems so far uncovered include:

  • currently, for whatever reason, your sex drives aren't compatible with this guy
  • your stuff/tidiness is generally a bit out of control
  • there are huge, immoveable reasons why you can't buy a new wardrobe, or don't want to, or don't see why you should, or something
  • you live together with your parents and want to go straight from that to BUYING a house together (sorry, I realise horses for courses but I just cannot get over that)
  • you do all the housekeeping and cooking.
  • the fact that your mum pays for your holidays has somehow resulted in you not wanting to dump your boyfriend until you come back from the next one, but you're going to tell him tonight that you're intending to dump him Confused
  • he might also be a bit of a dick (personally, jury's out on that purely because the whole set up sounds so weird and pressurising)
  • you answer a question about whether you want to get out and do something in life with "degrees and A levels not for me, I socialise loads though" Confused No problem if degrees aren't for you, it's just, going out to dinner a lot is not the same as having a life.

I think that covers it. It feels like any thread we pull on generates a load more confusion. Have you ever had counselling? It doesn't have to be for any particular reason, it's just good to reset one's mind once in a while.

Telling him in advance that you're going to dump him when you get back from holiday is just going to make the holiday shit for everyone. Unless you're secretly hoping it'll make him radically change, in which case just be honest that this is an ultimatum.

MaidOfStars · 13/09/2017 13:35

Hello OP,

If you are who I think you are (and I'm not the first person to recognise you), I'm going to give the same advice I gave six months ago and two months before that...

Life is too short. The guy's not for you. Get rid.

WomblingThree · 13/09/2017 13:37

Oh right. That one 🙄

Original poster
Mushybanna23 · 13/09/2017 13:47

Well I've been given money for a house but I'm wanting to add to it so living at home and saving pluss if I get this new job I won't be in the same area I am now so no point buying one here now anyway incase I move

OP posts:
Original poster
Mushybanna23 · 13/09/2017 13:50

I will give him an ultimatum I know you all want me to dump him but I will give him this ultimatum. Some things don't make sense that I've written I have a few probablems so minor that they don't really effect my life but they do with getting what's in my head onto paper and organisation and I don't Harras anyone we haven't had sex in over a month I've not mentioned it one but except last night

OP posts:
DisorderedAllsorts · 13/09/2017 14:07

You've been given money for a house so why would you want to put that at risk by buying a house with your bf who could potentially have a claim on it? I would buy in my own name, it is really important that you become financially and emotionally independent from people. It will give you clarity, space and independence to live life your own way & if that's being lazy and messy then that's your prerogative.

Original poster
Mushybanna23 · 13/09/2017 14:33

He won't have a claim of any of my money at all. Being lazy and messy isn't my prerogative. People on her are so quick to say Ltb thinks aren't always that simple

OP posts:
SonicBoomBoom · 13/09/2017 14:56

People on her are so quick to say Ltb thinks aren't always that simple

Sometimes people are too quick to say LTB.

However, in your case, it's really not too quick. And it really IS that simple.

SonicBoomBoom · 13/09/2017 14:57

You do seem to have very disordered thinking.

Aeviternity · 13/09/2017 15:05

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

TheHodgeoftheHedge · 13/09/2017 15:25

So what ultimatum are you giving him?! Have sex with me or its over?!