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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Tidiness Boyfriend and sex

112 replies

Mushybanna23 · 12/09/2017 11:23

Live with my boyfriend have done for a year now. He moved in with me and my family, we have a small room to ourselves with sink fridge amicrowave oven tv and sofa. it's tiny and really more inconvenient to use. Then we share a bedroom which up untill a year ago had 22 years of my stuff. I really struggle with change and tidiness. He knew I was a messy person before he moved in a fully warned him. I said I was willing to make a change. A year on I've chucked out so much stuff I no longer needed had a few massive tidy ups. I've tried to keep on top of it but with work my nan passing away and my slight laziness it's always last on my list after work. I do all the cleaning though I Hoover wash up replace toilet roll cook dinner and do the food shop. I don't mind doing all of that as I work less than him and he pays more rent earns more and I'm
Home in winter at 4. We want to buy a house next march but I don't want to unless we actually start having sex it happens so little I've tried everything. Every time I mention sex he jokes when it's tidy you can have sex like I'm some kind of child. Before all of this he was always to tired for sex. We have no space for anything wardrobe is full so I have baskets of cloths around the place with no place to go I keep washing them hanging what I can up and then it all haveing to be folded and left in the basket again. Aibu to give him the ultimatum or am I being unfair with my mess. Would renting a proper flat or house for 6 months as a tester work as an idea

OP posts:
MistressDeeCee · 12/09/2017 20:06

Your family are providing the accommodation. You are doing the housekeeping. How nice and convenient for him. If he doesn't like the clutter of living in 1 room why doesn't he get his own accommodation and fuck off out of it? Then again I presume he is living very cheaply. Added bonus for him. His savings must be mounting up quite nicely.

You can't have sex unless tidy to his standards. Please dump. He's in no position to be using sex to control you. At the very least if you don't dump this idiot who thinks its a joke to with hold sex because you're not working hard enough (does he do housework?!) then get your space back - he can move out of your parents' home that way you can go over to his, he doesn't have to be at yours constantly.

Thats all saying you last - I bet if he moves out, you won't last and its probably just as well. Ungrateful doesn't cover it

Aquamarine1029 · 12/09/2017 20:23

"Before all of this he was always to tired for sex."

Your sex life has always been rubbish. Stay with this man and you will regret it, and it WILL end eventually. The question you have to answer is how much of your life are you willing to waste on this relationship.

ILoveScrabble · 12/09/2017 20:31

I thought I remembered one of your old threads so I advanced searched. I know that's not the done thing but some of your previous threads puts this into perspective a bit.

If I were you I'd chuck out the oyfroend and try and leave home. You sound too reliant on your family. At 23 you should be out exploring the world and enjoying yourself. Why not try and get yourself some qualifications? Go to uni perhaps?

it sounds like you've got some growing up to do.

BTW I suspect your boyfriend has more conservative tastes on sex than you.

Original poster
Mushybanna23 · 12/09/2017 21:08

No space for a big wardrobe house is big but we've only got tiny kitchen I mean tiny tiny and bedroom. parents own the house all the rooms have uses parents are wealthy not me. I have good money in stocks shares and business but disposable incom isn't great at the moment for buying wardrobes even if the room could accommodate it all I have a walk in wardrobe but it's tiny more of a closet and all the railes where stuffed full before he moved in. I've made space for him but obviously with no space for some of my clothes to go.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mushybanna23 · 12/09/2017 21:12

No a levels uni isn't my route. We go out 2 times a week for dinner see friends often go to the pub we had a big lull of not going out but I had had a general anasetic was so tired and he was in London working. But socially it's better than ever at the moment

OP posts:
clippityclock · 12/09/2017 21:21

He's gay

TheHodgeoftheHedge · 12/09/2017 21:25

No disposable income to improve your living conditions but you can afford to go out for dinner twice a week and often to go the pub Hmm priorities?

Original poster
Mushybanna23 · 12/09/2017 21:32

No didposable incom at the moment this month I've had a lot of money come out on bills

OP posts:
Original poster
Mushybanna23 · 12/09/2017 21:33

I don't think he's gay at all he loves my boobs to much and bum won't let me get changed with out touching them. He also slept with a few woman when I first new him where just friends for a while

OP posts:
WetsTheFinger · 12/09/2017 21:38

You're 22? Get rid of him and go and out and shag about and have fun

Butterymuffin · 12/09/2017 21:39

Next time he tries to touch you when changing, move away and say 'don't bother, it's not going to go anywhere, is it?'

BertieBotts · 12/09/2017 21:41

He just sounds weird and like he has massive issues.

Ditch him and find someone who actually likes you. Having fun with somebody is a given in a relationship, it's not some kind of amazing perk of a great one.

LilaoftheGreenwood · 12/09/2017 21:50

This is just totally unworkable, it sounds like you're a pair of children. You go to luxury hotels but you live in a tiny squalid room? I'm not saying he's behaving well but living with a messy girlfriend in a room in her parents' house sounds like a version of hell. You doing all the cooking and cleaning isn't going to make up for the fact that this is a crazy situation (and you shouldn't be doing it all anyway).

No-one is covering themselves in glory here, and no wonder. He should move out, you should go back to dating, make sure you've drawn up an agreement between you about whose money has gone into your mum's saving account for you both. That way you're both on the same page as equal grown-ups and can approach the relationship more maturely. Then if you want to move in together, great, you've got all those savings to help you. And yes, if/when that happens, rent first!

TheHodgeoftheHedge · 12/09/2017 21:55

Loves your boobs but doesn't actually want to have sex with you? Sounds exactly like my gay friends ;)

LoyaltyAndLobster · 12/09/2017 22:01

Gay?

Hmm

OP I don't know what advice to offer other than to keep your bedroom clean.

RaincloudOfDoom · 12/09/2017 22:29

You could keep your room spotless (though he lives there too, so I don't know why it all falls to you, whatever your working hours) and I think he'd just revert back to the "too tired" excuse. If he's avoiding sex with you it will only get worse. If he really fancied you or had a high sex drive he'd shag you in a skip! You're too young to settle for this if it's not what you want...

unfortunateevents · 12/09/2017 23:18

No disposable income this month does not explain why you don't just move out from your parents house or buy yourself a wardrobe! If your upper class parents have a designated function for every room and this does not include providing sufficient living space for their daughter, then move! You have all these stocks, shares and a salary, what are you waiting for? A grown couple living with parents when they don't need to is not attractive. Oh but don't take the man-child with you - he can go home to his parents where presumably the housekeeping will meet his exacting standards.

Original poster
Mushybanna23 · 13/09/2017 04:14

I'm 23 would rather live at home and save be cramped at get a decent mortgage. Moving out now would mean I get stuck in a cycle of renting. And I think my parents provide enough space two bedrooms our own bathroom more than most people probably have. I have to many clothes shoes and hand bags and hair stuff. Recently did a course and have so much from that I have to store.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mushybanna23 · 13/09/2017 04:17

Last night I tried to mention it but was all the wrong timings untill bed, he listened to me said that I was messy why should he make more effort than me I don't really count half assesed sex once month as effort. He then wouldn't listen to me and said he was sleeping.

OP posts:
ZorbaTheHoarder · 13/09/2017 04:32

Hi OP, he sounds really uncaring and unbothered about your relationship. If he can't make the effort to have a proper conversation with you about what is making you unhappy, then I would think that the relationship doesn't have much future.

Why don't you just tell him that you don't think it is working and that he should move out? It doesn't sound as though things are going to get any better with him...

WhittlingIhopMonkey · 13/09/2017 04:42

He's gay for sure

MysteryMacavity · 13/09/2017 04:50

OP do not buy a house with him.

He could be gay. He could be asexual. He could have low libido. He could have or be many things - which he may or may not have admitted to himself. But whatever it is is his issue and he's making it your problem.

The bottom line is if he wanted to have sex with you he would. He'd find a way, because he couldn't cope with not. He's not only not looking for a way, but when he has one he's not taking it.

This has nothing whatsoever to do with you.

Don't listen to his words, his actions are screaming at you.

I'm just getting out of a marriage that started very similarly to your relationship. Absolutely don't waste your time. There are lots of guys out there who'd LOVE to have fun with you and satisfy you fully. They'd take great delight in it. End this relationship, feel sad about it, then onwards and upwards for someone who treats you like a lover, not a flat mate/sister/friend combo.

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 13/09/2017 04:51

He is a Controlling twat. He's got you playing wifey and withholding sex until you conform. It will be tough keeping things neat with two people living in such a small space, but he's doing nowt to help. Kick him out and find someone who fancies the pants off you and respects you.

zzzzz · 13/09/2017 06:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Mushybanna23 · 13/09/2017 08:31

Got a wedding plus holiday booked for this weekend and next week. it's a family holiday and mums paid so can't dump him yet as I have no one else to replace him. once the holidays over that's it I'm done with no sex I'm done feeling unwanted I'm done feeling manipulated I'm done will speak to him tonight say how I feel.

OP posts:
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