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Original poster

Feeling apprehensive about friends with rowdy children coming to stay !

180 replies

36plusandtrying · 11/09/2017 22:29

Have friends coming to stay in a few weeks and their children are a little spirited ... think throwing toys at walls, jumping all over sofas, standing on chairs at meal times, eating with hands, running over the house refusing to get teeth brushed, running in and out of room at bed time ....we are in a new house and have older children so house not overly kid friendly. Friend has already suggested that I put away my 'nice things' so nothing gets broken .... how do I handle this or is it me that needs to child proof the house ? (Kids 3 and 6)

OP posts:
rainbowstardrops · 19/09/2017 15:22

Jeez, they sound horrendous! Why on earth would you invite yourself to someone's house when you know that your children are so wild?! I wouldn't dream of it!
If there is ever a hint from your friend about staying with you again, just say a simple NO!

Anecdoche · 19/09/2017 15:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

catweasel44 · 19/09/2017 15:36

I have those children. I hate staying in friend's houses as it's so stressful.

It's easier now they're older but at that age it was hell.

Here's my advice

  • talk to the children yourself. Your house, your rules and I imagine your friend will be more than happy to back you up.
  • remind them to wash their hands and take their shoes off ALL THE TIME
  • prepare for spillages.
  • move anything valuable. My children never wilfully damaged anything but they were clumsy. Also it's self-fulfilling. We didn't have breakable things so they never learnt not to touch them. I see that now Blush

Good luck.

Katedotness1963 · 19/09/2017 16:42

Friends came to visit us for the weekend, left their kids at home, we had a lovely time.
Next visit, day visit, lovely time.
Third time they came to visit they brought their three kids...absolute nightmare. They let the kids run riot all over the house, the daughter was one of those tattle tale kids who complained non stop that her brothers and my sons were being mean to her. Being mean included...not letting her play with a Lego pirate ship that they had just finished putting together, not letting her tip everything out of their toys boxes, not letting her jump on the beds (normally that wouldn't be a problem but we were in temporary furnished accommodation waiting for our furniture to arrive). Eventually my kids gave up and sat in the livingroom where they could be seen to not be being mean while friends kids trashed the bedrooms. I was never so glad to see the back of anyone...

A year later they were in the area again on a Saturday. No way was I having that in my home again so arranged to meet them at a family friendly pub that had a bouncy castle and other toys out at the weekend. Their kids were no better behaved, jumped all over younger kids trying to play, ran around the bar area, whined so loudly everyone could hear them. I was mortified, I actually went back the next week to apologise and see if we were barred.

That was the last time they visited us and I'm in no rush to change it...

Misty9 · 19/09/2017 23:57

Oh dear OP, you sound a bit like me with being quite house proud and not liking mess. Some of my friends allow some of your list with their kids - but they also know what my boundaries are in my own home and they respect that. This is the key aspect - your friends are not respecting your rules. As soon as you said you'd be absent for most of their time in your house I'm afraid it was a lost cause...

Damage limitation now? And figure out how to avoid them repeating the experience!

Original poster
36plusandtrying · 20/09/2017 03:17

The kids don't listen to their parents let alone us. How does this happen ?

OP posts:
MrsKoala · 20/09/2017 08:09

It happens when your children don't care about pleasing you. They don't care about things, or time outs or any sanctions.

The paed told me that the reason young children behave is because they don't want you to be upset/angry/disappointed in them. That essentially people want to please people and to have some level of discipline they need to comply with it. But some children (even nt) just don't care. Once you have a child like this it's very very hard because nothing you do matters to them and you just have to either keep them away till they emotionally mature or hope that they will be peer led.

mygorgeousmilo · 20/09/2017 08:10

No honestly there's just no solution. The parents don't tell them off so there's no point in butting in, I see that now 😩
You have to ride it out, but I'm guessing you've lost respect for your friend? We had the toothbrushing thing, where they followed them around the house trying to do it, and feeding too. My kids were sat at the kitchen table eating, and these kids were being followed around with bowls of pasta being begged to eat. All whilst screaming and screeching. I'm having flashbacks!

WhatchaMaCalllit · 20/09/2017 08:15

36plus - that's down to their parents not setting realistic boundaries and rules for their kids to follow.
It might sound harsh but kids actually do quite well if their parents/guardians set easily understandable and consistent rules that they can follow.

TheDodgyEnd · 20/09/2017 08:20

MrsKoala can you clarify "But some children (even nt) just don't care."
Are you saying it's a given that SN kids would misbehave and not want to 'please' people?

52FestiveRoad · 20/09/2017 08:41

Oh god the mess ...... I have never seen anything like it ! They don't listen to any form of discipline.... how can kids be such a nightmare.

So why on earth did you agree to having them there? I know you said they did not ask, just announced but presumably you had a chance to say 'no sorry, not convenient'. Especially if you are having work done on the house.

I personally think you need to say to the parents and the children, that if they do not behave today then you will ask them to leave. Make it clear that you don't care where they go but they will have to go. Perhaps the thought of actually being chucked out will focus both parents and children. You have been more than generous to your friends but they are taking the piss. You need to do something!

sleepymama81 · 20/09/2017 08:52

Oh god, why do people insist on bring SN into every single thread about badly behaved children? These children do not have SN - OP please do correct me if I'm wrong.

No one is talking about children with SN. If they did have SN then I'm sure people would make allowances and even in these circumstances it's still down to the parents to ensure that their child isn't wrecking someone's home!

Of course some children have SN, and so need additional help/care/understanding. However, some kids have no discipline in their lives and behave horribly as a result.

Butterymuffin · 20/09/2017 09:03

Do they ignore even very direct statements? So if they're jumping on the sofa and you stood there and said 'Off the sofa, now!' they'd just carry on? Keep it very simple, clear short commands. I see why pp have given explanations of why you don't want them to do things but I doubt they'll listen and then they're just tuning out the instruction as well.

MrsKoala · 20/09/2017 09:11

Not at all. My point is (as demonstrated above) that people believe that the 'not caring' (or more accurately not displaying caring in a 'normal ' way) is a trait of asd/sn. When in actual fact many kids care and many don't regardless of sn.

Sn is a bit of a red herring. There seems to be a gulf of expectations between sn and nt. if no sn then dc are expected to respond completely to all traditional methods and if not they are 'shots' and 'feral'. But ime and based on expert information this is just not the case.

My ds2 has no sn but does not respond to many traditional methods. He doesn't give a fuck. So we struggle. Ds1 has sn and that also comes with its own challenges but they are equally defiant and difficult in their own way.

Mittens1969 · 20/09/2017 09:31

MrsKoala, my guess is that your DS2 is copying the behaviour of DS1, or maybe acting up to get attention? My DD1 has behavioural issues due to Attachment Disorder. She's emotionally like a 3 year old (she's 8). DD2 acts up sometimes but she's NT and actually very bright. And she's well capable of responding appropriately, she just has her moments.

But that's not the point here. There's no way I would inflict that on friends who are putting us up; we would always stay at a Premier Inn. I would hate the stress of keeping my DDs in line. They can behave nicely on a day visit.

Wallywobbles · 20/09/2017 09:34

I would have a frank text exchange about this because I'm too chicken to do it face to face.

I'd say that you are really worried about this weekend and the kids behaviour. And that you are worried that your friendship might be damaged. That you want to agree the ground rules (and consequences if you are really brave) before they arrive so you are all singing from the same hymn sheet.

You could maybe ask what rewards/punishments they are currently using.

I second locks on all your bedroom doors but high up if you use latch ones. We've done it for all of ours in situations where we think there might be an issue.

Rules to put in place:
No eating except at table.
No jumping or standing on furniture
Knocking on bedroom doors
Drawing etc only at the kitchen table
No throwing in the house

Good luck and keep us posted.

Original poster
36plusandtrying · 20/09/2017 10:10

You have to understand I don't see them all the time, so when friends said they were visiting the country we lived in and could they say I didn't understand the full extent of their inability to listen to their parents. I'm about to head away for work for a couple of days and I'm dreading coming home to a riot as they return to us Friday night .... they are in a very unhappy relationship so seem to have given up entirely on parenting. It's so hard to see two people you love unhappy, but they have clearly created a rod for their backs and I think us adding to their issues by saying ... btw your kids are too much, find somewhere else to stay isn't going to help. I maybe just need to strip the house of all items that can be damaged before I leave !

OP posts:
Mittens1969 · 20/09/2017 10:30

And they should thoroughly tidy up behind themselves. That's the least you should expect. You're a great friend, OP.

Hissy · 20/09/2017 11:00

You surely must be able to appeal to ONE of the parents? To ask for their help in getting something somewhere under a semblance of control?

Before they go, before you go can you pull one of the couple to the side, or can your H do the same with one or other of the parents?

Kintan · 20/09/2017 11:05

You are a really lovely friend to them. It's very kind of you not to want to add to their unhappiness by asking them to leave, I'm not sure many people would be so gracious. I know I wouldn't be! We have friends with very a different parenting style to us who stayed for a couple of days recently. The younger kid was pretty out of control and his mum alternated between bellowing at him and the next instance finding the same behaviour (usually some form of trashing our house) cute. It was really frustrating and although we love them, we would have to seriously consider having them stay again.

MrsKoala · 20/09/2017 11:12

Mittens - yes i understand that wrt ds2. but the comments were made by paed/hv/early years coordinators/senco in relation to ds1 -who actually doesn't have a dx yet. We have been told over the last 3.5 years that all of his behaviours and non responsiveness to traditional parenting is completely on a 'nt' level. The paed told me that of all the dc she sees just like ds1 (and worse) only 50% will have sn and the others are just non responders to what we would expect. this doesn't mean the parents are shit, or that the behaviours are any less real. However, i see this isn't the case in this scenario, but i just wanted to say it in response to all the 'All nt children can do this it's just shit parenting' replies that gets trotted out constantly on MN.

You sound nice OP. I'd do as you suggested. Move everything and try to manage some damage limitation. Hope it's okay when you get home. Flowers

Original poster
36plusandtrying · 20/09/2017 11:14

It's hard, last time we saw them both partners expressed wanting to leave (mum to me dad to DH) but both wanted to stay for the sake of the children !!! DH and I very happy, great kid(well behaved), great house - very loved up .... the last thing we want to do is rub salt in the wound by telling them how to parent. When the pair of them are so lost. But in the same token I was my house, friendship and sanity intact if possible !!!

OP posts:
blahdblah · 20/09/2017 11:18

what fuckoffee said and maybe invest in a cheap family tent that you can put up in the garden to give them a kind of outdoor playroom that you can send them out to if they are driving you nuts.

dustarr73 · 20/09/2017 11:19

If they are leaving, don't let them come back.Its hard but you are going to be outstraight and say it's the kids.

You're friendship wont survive anyway.

MrsKoala · 20/09/2017 11:19

:( That's so sad

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