Feeling apprehensive about friends with rowdy children coming to stay !

[36plusandtrying]

Have friends coming to stay in a few weeks and their children are a little spirited ... think throwing toys at walls, jumping all over sofas, standing on chairs at meal times, eating with hands, running over the house refusing to get teeth brushed, running in and out of room at bed time ....we are in a new house and have older children so house not overly kid friendly. Friend has already suggested that I put away my 'nice things' so nothing gets broken .... how do I handle this or is it me that needs to child proof the house ? (Kids 3 and 6)

I'll be honest there was no invite on our part it was more we are coming to see you. (We both live in different countries now)

They will be coming to see you next year too and the year after. So you need to plan how to get out of it now.

Practice this sentence 'It's not going to work for us for you to stay again, but it would be good to meet up for a meal some time if you're holidaying in the area'.

Op you let friends with feral kids invite themselves? You need to learn to say no.

As plane tickets are booked, I would say you've s couple of choices

1. tell them you've thought it over and can't bear the destruction and they have to stay elsewhere. Yes the friendship might end
2. put everything away, you mention coffee table books etc - all the nice stuff put away And then issue a list of instructions eg brushing teeth only happens in bathroom, eating only happens at table etc.

But seriously, this is crazy, you should have said no in the first place.

What were you thinking?!

Ok - fair enough then. I think the next time she says she is coming o see you - you tell her no - it will not work. Thenyou wont have this problem ever again.

It depends why the children behave like that, tbh. My DD1 (8) still does those things at home, because emotionally she's at a younger age because of having Attachment Disorder. So her behaviour is frequently that of a much younger child, unlike DD2 (5, they're birth siblings). It's hard work, and I do worry about people thinking that she's a brat, which she can appear to be sometimes.

On the positive side, DD1 does tend to behave much better out of the house, she's very well behaved at school and at church, and at friends' houses.

But it's something we can't guarantee, we prefer to stay at premier inns. It wouldn't be right to expect other people to put up with it, as it's much more likely that DD1 will misbehave if we're staying longer, she can only keep it together for so long. It's also not enjoyable for us if we're having to manage her all the time.

So no, you're definitely not U. They shouldn't put you through it. You need to tell them you won't put up with it again.

Surely things being moved out of reach of the littlest one is a good thing? The rest of it, yes, but surely that one's just good sense?

We all make allowances for toddlers, I think. I had my DSis and her family at our house recently and their youngest is a toddler. He's into everything! I spent time removing small objects out of the way so that it would be safe for him. It's what needs to be done.

Where older children are concerned, you can't ask friends to do that, it's your responsibility to manage their behaviour, not that of the people you're visiting.

Still here .... things I have seen are.
One Lego castle destroyed - not the worst thing in the world, can be remade
Toy box emptied all over floor breaking damaging contents - were the toys old or fragile as toys do break over time. If they were new, then I'd expect the Visiting Parents to replace them
Coffee table books all over floor and being stood on - Tell the children and the parents "We don't stand or walk on books in this house. Please pick them up, put them back on the coffee table and carry on. If you don't, you'll be on a time out, isn't that right *John

Water being poured into food - not sure what the issue is here but I would have removed the water at the time from them so they couldn't do this, even if it was their drink at mealtime. They could have a drink afterwards.

Sticky hands all over walls (ie getting down from table and putting hands straight on to walls - Napkins and a word to Mum or Dad of Visiting Parents "Please wipe *Jane's hands before they leave the table"

Eating with hands (not finger food, think pasta) - I'd have to have a word with Visiting Mum or Visiting Dad about this "We use cutlery to eat at our dinner table" feck that if they think a comment like that would be snobby, it's just basic table manners.

Standing on chairs at meal times - Talk to the kids before dinner is served "We are going to sit down for our meal soon. You'll sit down too, wont you and show us how good girls/boys sit at the table for their dinner?" if they get up, remind them "Please sit down at the table *Jane, we're having our dinner"

Running jumping on sofas - Again, you need to intervene "These things are precious to us so please don't run on the furniture when you're a visitor in our house"

Cushions throws chucked off sofa all over floor - this is probably a normal thing to do for them in their house but if you don't like it happening in yours, you must intervene and tell them no.

Teeth being brushed from a cup in the middle of the living room (parent doing it) - was the parent brushing the child's teeth or their own? Just say "We brush our teeth in the bathroom so I'd appreciate it if you could do the same".

You need to be more assertive in your own home. Your home, your rules and they need to be followed or the guests will be asked to leave and cut their stay short with you (which will probably have the effect of ending the friendship but they wont stay with you again, so result!)
*names changed (as I don't know their names or yours)

Kick them out. Seriously. Tell them to get a hotel. Whatever it takes. Where they end up is not your problem.

These people aren't your friends. They have no respect for you or your home. They're just users who want a free place to stay.

I wouldn't WANT to be friends with ferals like this, so kicking them out will be an easy way to end this "friendship".

I think whatever you do your friendship will be fucked after this visit. No great loss frankly given her lack of respect for your home.

I would tell her that unless she controls her kids then they will have to leave. And then follow through if it continues.

We've had 15 different 5 year olds over for play dates and every one of them have done at least 3 things on that list. I'm not sure if I live in some parenting parallel but no one has been over and not done those things.

We clean our dc teeth in our front room on advice from a child behaviourist/supernanny lady we hired.

One child undid every single lego thing ds1 had got for xmas and left it all in a heap. Another lobbed brio track against the wall and chipped the paint work. The all empty the fox box on the floor. Some have thrown toys and towels over the banisters. They all eat with their hands. One had something on the bottom of his shoes and on his hands and ran up the stairs and now our carpet is ruined and there are hand prints all up our yellow recently decorated walls....

The parents have all just sat chatting and drinking tea as if this is totally normal.

I am boggling at the thouyof coffee table books out. I do not know any children who would leave them alone.

In fact I'm boggling at the thought of having a coffee table full stop!

Hell, they sound utterly awful. How can they allow their kids to behave like that, especially in someone else's house?

MrsKoala, when my friends' kids come to my house they'll pick up coffee table books and look at them, which is absolutely fine.

They don't throw them, stand on them or damage them, though, and if they did try to do any of these things their parents would have a sharp word with them.

I've never had a visiting kid break or damage anything in my house or behave in the way the OP describes. A couple of spilled drinks, food dropped accidentally, sure - but that's obviously to be expected with little kids. I've never had a child stand on my furniture, ever, or throw sofa cushions on the floor. And my friends make sure their kids' hands are washed after eating so sticky handprints not really an issue.

It sounds like a nightmare and I have 3 kids under 8 and they would never behave like this but I wouldn't let them...unfortunately A LOT of parents do...I find it so stressful just having certain families round for lunch or kids for a playdate as they touch everything and break things...(My kids wouldn't do this - not because they are ridiculously well-behaved but because they know the consequences...) then end up stressed and following them around and telling them off...the parents sometimes get the message sometimes not...

Fwiw I wouldn't expect a 6 year old to behave like that...can you lock certain rooms? Lots of day trips etc...

Good luck!

Well as I said Polly I must live in a place where parenting is different because I've never had a parent have a sharp word regarding any of that behaviour - they all see it as fairly standard. We've also had 2 nanny's (one with 15 yrs experience and one with 26) who have said this is all standard with every child they've looked after and with play dates.

I have told them it's not fine, I've gone down to their level used a firm tone. But also completely lost my shit when I've caught them in the act. Nothing works. Nothing - I've never seen anything like it. Beyond feral !

"I'm sorry, but you are all going to have to leave if you can't stay in my home without trashing it. You need to parent your kids right now, or start looking up places to move to. You will NOT be invited back"

If they are going away for a few days, then now is the time to say that actually, they need to NOT come back to yours

MrsKoala, I must also live in one of those strange areas too! It sounds within normal range of behaviour. I know loads of people who makes forts etc with sofa cushions, it wouldn't occur to me that they were untouchable objects. But this is why I wouldn't take my kids to stay with anyone except close family!

You need to tell them to leave. Your friendship is ruined regardless.

I'm curious what the parent does when you tell them off op? If they see you lose your shit what on earth do they say? I'd be very apologetic if my children broke something at someone's house (which is why we don't go! As I'd be too on edge).

I'm curious what the parent does when you tell them off op? If they see you lose your shit what on earth do they say? I'd be very apologetic if my children broke something at someone's house (which is why we don't go! As I'd be too on edge).

We had some friends like this. Their last visit ever ended when their two year old was being allowed to pour their own milk into their overfilled cereal bowl from a 4 litre milk container whilst using my husbands brand new ipad as a table mat...

I don't get feral parenting and don't allow it in my house, I hope you manage to handle this one OP, preferably with your friendship/sanity and house intact. Good luck

Could you be firm with them from the word go and explain to the parents and children how you do things in your house? And how you expect them to behave?

Failing that get a tent for them and let them stay in that!!!

I have family like this, we no longer spend any time with them at my house we meet up in parks so the children can run wild whilst their parents just look on and smile! I know this isn't an option for you this time though.