Feeling apprehensive about friends with rowdy children coming to stay !

[36plusandtrying]

Have friends coming to stay in a few weeks and their children are a little spirited ... think throwing toys at walls, jumping all over sofas, standing on chairs at meal times, eating with hands, running over the house refusing to get teeth brushed, running in and out of room at bed time ....we are in a new house and have older children so house not overly kid friendly. Friend has already suggested that I put away my 'nice things' so nothing gets broken .... how do I handle this or is it me that needs to child proof the house ? (Kids 3 and 6)

For sure, stand your ground and don't hesitate to demand they follow your rules. I also wouldn't hesitate to discipline them myself by admonishing their behaviour and insisting the parents control them. If these people don't respect your home, they are NOT your friends.

I agree with mygorgeousmilo - the friendship is likely to suffer whatever you do........

If they behave badly & the parents do nothing & you don't intervene either, your house will be trashed, your kids will be upset when their belongings get trashed - and you will end up really stressed and resentful

.....if you do intervene, tell them house rules, stop them from damaging things, tell them off etc your friends will probably resent you and your criticism of their kids - if they are so lacking in insight that they think it's OK for the kids to behave like this, they are not going to respond well to your interventions

I rarely advocate telling lies, but this is one situation where it might be appropriate to have workmen in, a child studying for an important exam who needs a quiet house, food poisoning, anything to get them to cancel - assuming you can't just tell them straight that on reflection, this visit is a bad idea - kids at different ages & stages of life, busy work schedule etc

Since we moved to the USA we've had a lot of visitors.

Because it's such a long way people tend to say for a fortnight, which is fine expect that we have discovered that several of our friends parent very differently to us.

My rule is that if a child is misbehaving in my house then I will tell them off just as I would my own kids, so standing in furniture, breaking things, throwing balls inside the house etc is not acceptable and I don't beat about the bush saying so.

Any bad behaviour while we are out and about eg at parks, museums etc I keep my mouth shut about and leave to their parents. We have occasionally walked away from temper tantrums (not by toddlers) due to embarrassment.

At least one family will not be invited for a return visit.

If you have them to stay and the kids are as wild as they sound then it's probably the end of the friendship. If you tell them to stay elsewhere it's probably the end of the friendship too. I found that once you're all parents, you drift apart from some of your oldest dearest friends purely because of their parenting style (or lack of one). Well I did anyway. Poor kids they'd probably love it if you did set some boundaries whilst they stayed, but the parents might be offended.

Friend has already suggested that I put away my 'nice things' so nothing gets broken

"I'm glad you brought that up. Maybe we could go over some house rules."

Don't have these feral people stay at your home for goodness sake.

Can't cancel - they've booked flights (international) ... will just need to set rules .. or invest in a cage (joking)

Can you go back to the original plan of using your place as a base and moving on then? And being clear from now about it. It's not your fault hotels are expensive

Jesus.
She's aware of her kids' behaviour, to the extent she has asked you to put valuables away? So you all need to put up with their bad behaviour and possibly deep clean your house afterwards? Seriously??
Not towards you OP, but I cant believe some people. I wouldn't have them to stay.

You could respond to the message about putting things away with a cheery "thanks - will have a think about that, but don't worry, I'll be just as much of a ogre with your two as I was with mine at that age - they knew my house rules!"

They sound like my dc. This is why we don't visit anyone! If people invite us I say no. If they really insist i explain their behaviour and if they say they don't mind (they do mind so why do people say that!) then i would suggest putting away valuable things.

I'm interested at people who say they tell the kids of friends not to do stuff - do they then follow your instructions? What if they don't?

We had people round recently like this, friends of friends. At first I thought I was being a grumpy old cow who had forgotten what younger children were like as ours are now mid teens. By when they'd gone DH and the teens looked shell shocked and described them as feral.

They were 6 and 8 and charged around the house screaming, interrupting adults, opening cupboards and rummaging, shouting for food, running upstairs going in all the bedrooms. Completely fecking wild whilst they're ineffective parents occasionally said 'calm down sweetie'.

Mine weren't angels did were very lovely but would never have got away with that at anyone's house, it was embarrassing.

Tell her straight OP

That should read lively!!

Previous posters said the following which I totally agree with
Today 02:16 Andylion

Friend has already suggested that I put away my 'nice things' so nothing gets broken

"I'm glad you brought that up. Maybe we could go over some house rules."

Then you add, my children are very fussy about their tech/consoles/ clothes/shoes/make up etc.
So their rooms / posessions are out of bounds to your children.
Also there's no jumping on beds/sofas swinging on curtains basic rules, we eat at the table, Etc etc etc. And I will expect you to impose those with your dc and respect them in my home.
I will be pulling the children up on those rules too whilst in my home.
Obviously our and about your children your rules.

Out not our

Not spirited I'd say feral.
Def agree with setting ground rules.
At 3 and 6 they are old enough to know how to respect people and property.
Your friend needs to teaching them and not just ignoring it or asking you to put away valuables.
I will not rearrange my house for unruly children. It's for the parents to control their kids unless of course the children are too young to understand or be able to comprehend basic rules and respect.

OP, this is what can happen. www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3031419-To-have-finally-had-enough-of-this-shit?trending=1

You need to let the parents know you will not tolerate their usual behaviour, then give them an option to stay elsewhere.

Oh dear god ..... I have the fear. That's it's the bubble wrap is coming out. Any idea how to child proof a whole house ?!?

can you borrow a cage play pen?
confine them to tents in the garden?

any chance of a massive imaginary leak that makes the house inhabitable?

Hide all permanent markers.
Tell your children to put any very previous teddies or toys into a box under your bed.
Find details of local soft play and direct them there if it's wet weather.
Make one room out of bounds for any breakables etc to go in.

36plus one tip I've found useful with visiting children is start as you mean to go on. So come down on any unacceptable behaviour e.g. standing on the sofa, from day one. It's much less effective if you suddenly start applying rules half way through the holiday.

MrsKoala assuming there aren't any SEN I've never met a child that didn't do what I told them in the end. I'm very smiley and very rarely shout but I'm also very firm and always carry through on a threatened consequence. Crying etc cuts no ice. If there's a battle of wills I always win.

We get a lot of friends and family staying with us as we live in a gorgeous part of the U.K. The way we deal with the more feral children is consistency right from the start. For example if the kids come charging in yelling and screaming I tell them that is outdoor behaviour. If they want to make that much noise they must go out in the garden. If they carry on, out they go (even if it's raining). Bouncing on the furniture, that's outdoor behaviour and they must either stop or go outside in the trampoline (even if it's raining). Throwing toys, outdoor behaviour 😆😆😆. You get the jist. All said calmly and firmly and with a kind smile. They soon get the idea that they must be quietish and not destructive inside or they end up in the garden. It bleddy works too!!!

We pick our battles though, a few minor breakages, spills, bashes are all smoothed over. Certain rooms (like office, utility, our bedroom) are off limits.

They may all secretly think I'm a monster who chucks kids outside in any weather but we are all still great friends and we get lots of visits.

No way would I have them to stay. But in your position I would say to the friend 'I've moved my breakables, thanks for the heads up I'd forgotten what it's like to have younger ones tearing about! By the way, I've never allowed my kids to jump on furniture/throw things/whatever else they do, so we don't allow it from visitors either - they need to stick to the house rules the same way my children did'. If mum doesn't like this then I'm afraid I'd say they might be better off staying elsewhere.

3 and 6 year olds are plenty old enough to be told 'stop it and don't do it again'. I have a friend whose 3 and 5 year old boys run absolutely riot in her house - literally run along windowsills and along the backs of her sofa throwing things.

She just rolls her eyes and says 'boys!'. They don't do it in my house, I tell them to sit their bottoms down on my sofa or get off of it. Their mum says nothing, so I do - in my own home. When they tell me they are allowed to do it at home I remind them that they are not at home and the rules are different in my house. When they complain (frequently) to my friend she tells them 'it's Sleeps house, so she makes the rules here'.

If you are worried about the reaction from parents, I've found 'it takes a village to raise a child' and 'it's good for kids to learn that different people have different rules so that when they start school they realise one teacher insists on x and another on y'. Making it about someone else has helped.

Agree with laying down rules, however you need to give a warning first. My 2 yr old would understand 'please get off the sofa, sit down and don't do it again' Then a 'thank you' when he complies.

The telling off or punishment comes after if he does it again. (I.e. No pudding etc)

Rules without explaining them and dictating to young children to comply for reasons they don't understand is unlikely to work first time.

Also if something does go wrong, i.e. Child breaks something while mum is out of the room then an apology/payment should suffice. Don't hold grudges, accidents happen and children need to learn too.