To not go on a date with someone who works in a shop

[therealbridgetjones]

A friend of mine is trying to set me up with a friend of hers. I don't know much about him other than he is my age and works in a shop. He lives at home with his parents (early thirties).

I'm in my late twenties. I'm intelligent, have a career, earn above average and have my own house. I've lived away from my parents for about ten years and am completely independent.

I've worked in retail and to be honest it made me work bloody hard at university because I didn't want to end up back there!

My friend seems shocked and calls me snobby because I don't want to go on a date with her friend. She thinks I'm a gold digger but this couldn't be further from the truth! Her argument is that it's about the person and not their ambitions etc but surely this is a part of a person? I'm attracted to intelligence, ambition and independence.

So AIBU to not consider a date with this person?

NikiBarbie you are making yourself sound jealous of OP

He works part time in retail. It's not conclusive evidence but it might perhaps indicate he's not massively ambitious.

"What if he's living with his parents in order to save for a deposit on his own place?"

Maybe he is.

But it ain't gonna make shagging away to the soundtrack of your future FIL pissing in the bathroom next door any sexier.

YANBU - I wouldnt go on a date with him either.

niki why don't you date him then if he sounds so great!

No of course you should not date him. YANBU to want to find someone in a similar situation to you. And it would be unfair to waste his time.

You don't. You've actually come on here to point out how good you are and how you don't want to go on a date with a shop worker. Don't then. Why ask us

Oh come on. She has asked a perfectly reasonable question and has told us about her life to demonstrate why she doesn't think they would be compatible.

Being single and late 20s is not unusual or a bad thing.

Niki you're being really horrible. What's up with you?

It's hard to think what his ambitions would be working part time in retail at 34 and not having his own place (rented or owned). I know lots of people who have made great careers in/from retail but none of them by working part time at 34.

The Real Bridget Jones is a joke, obviously.

I don't think I'm amazing; I'm not any different to a lot of my friends or other women I know of a similar age (or older).

I was just stating facts to demonstrate why I feel this guy and I are incompatible and to ask others if this is the wrong attitude and if I should be more open-minded.

I think it's fair to suggest this guy is not independant or ambitious.

That's not a crime. He might be kind, funny and great with his tongue. (When mum is not next door waiting to do his laundry)

But he wouldn't be a great match for some/many women.

And that's fine!

Why don't you just say no and then get on with your life? You must have been wondering if YWBU to even post this, surely?!

But it's just a DATE. A night out . A few hours with a person who might be perfectly lovely. Not for you in the marriage stakes, maybe, but I don't understand the angst about it.

People are taking this v personally....

Imo be WAY more open minded - you might have a laugh, you might get married - the truth of the matter is that none of us know!

Don't talk yourself into a date! You're not being a snob imo.

Again - looking ahead. Would he be able to keep everything financially going if you had a baby? Would it be you that had to do all the financially saving/planning?
Unless he's absolutely bloody amazing and THE perfect guy, then I'd be looking for someone who can hold their own and pull their financial weight in a relationship as well as being my intellectual equal.

I did the whole 'fall in love with the cool guy' thing. As I said earlier - he earns pro-rata far less than me; is unlikely to increase his earnings over time and is very jealous of my qualifications/earnings and earning potential. Others I know have made this type of relationship work but we do find it hard.

YANBU to have your own standards. Don't let others put you down for that.

As for Serf, who commented that I must have limited life experience - get a grip.
I've worked my arse off from nothing; put myself through Uni (with resulting huge debts) and have done all kinds of jobs to make ends meet to get where I am. As a result, I have certain expectations and whilst working in retail I found that many 'live with parents in their 30's' guys are unambitious mummies' boys!

YANBU to choose not to go on a date with a stranger for absolutely any reason.

What is the point on going on a date with someone you don't think you're likely to be compatible with?

its quite interesting that your friend rates him and thinks you could get on. I'd probably have a date or two on the back of that

His tinyhands, I think threads like this make people reflect on their own choices and stir feelings of dissatisfaction.

How do you know he is not living with his parents to save money for a house?

How do you know if there is not a valid reason for why he works part time on a shop?

The fact you have judged him without even meeting him males you extremely shallow

Honestly I'm with you OP. It's not just the shop thing, it's a combination of things.

I'm curious as to why anyone wouldn't want a normal, independent adult life, working at least full time with a decent wage. He has no kids and, living with his parents, no significant outgoings. Part-time is just ludicrous - I'd be curious to know the justification just to see if it's "I can't be bothered" or "I spend time on my poetry."

In this day and age you can't survive on a shop salary (and I'm an ex-shop and call centre worker. £15-17k a year just doesn't cut it any more.) So what's he doing to ensure survival? He's not renting a place by himself like a normal adult (because then he'd realise 'Maybe I should do something other than work in a shop'.)

Lives with parents. Unattractive but forgivable if there's a reason that isn't laziness/childlishness.
Unskilled job, obviously entirely forgivable if there's a reason, such as "I hope to be an area manager someday" or "I work two jobs to save for a flat" or... y'know, something that suggests this is all part of a plan.
Part-time? Er...

ALL TOGETHER the parts reek of childishness and laziness. The sort of man who, five years down the line, Mumsnet will condemn as a cocklodger.

Basically, is he in the shop because of A Reason That Actually Reveals He Intends To Be A Full Grown Functioning Adult, or is he there because he likes to have a little pocket money to supplement still living at home like a child.

However, he may be hot, so meet him, ask the questions and maybe just bang him and go.

I think it's really easy to say "oh go on a date and see how things work out", but actually in my experience, this is a recipe for short/long term relationships that are potentially lovely but don't work out because in the end the partners are incompatible. As others have said, retail can often be shift work involving evenings and weekends. I'm guessing OP works a more standard 9-5, which can actually make relationships surprisingly hard work in the early days.

Unless he's ravishingly handsome and worth it just for the potential shag, if you don't see it going anywhere for whatever reason, surely it's better not to waste his time as well?

No doubt this guy will find someone who suits him, and OP will find someone who suits her.

I hate friends (I bet she's been coupled up for years) who seem to think that just because two people are single, they should automatically go on a date together.

It's just a date. Don't go out if you don't want to. And don't let your friend guilt you into going out with him.

Why does no one want you

Well, that is charming.

I also don't understand why wanting someone with similar traits as you possess - ambition, solvency etc - makes you a snob.

YANBU, OP.

well there will be plenty who will slate you op but don't blame you if this was me I wouldn't either

I'm not a gold digger or a snob but I at least want someone who is a financial match

Been there done that paying for everything . No thanks !