To not go on a date with someone who works in a shop

[therealbridgetjones]

A friend of mine is trying to set me up with a friend of hers. I don't know much about him other than he is my age and works in a shop. He lives at home with his parents (early thirties).

I'm in my late twenties. I'm intelligent, have a career, earn above average and have my own house. I've lived away from my parents for about ten years and am completely independent.

I've worked in retail and to be honest it made me work bloody hard at university because I didn't want to end up back there!

My friend seems shocked and calls me snobby because I don't want to go on a date with her friend. She thinks I'm a gold digger but this couldn't be further from the truth! Her argument is that it's about the person and not their ambitions etc but surely this is a part of a person? I'm attracted to intelligence, ambition and independence.

So AIBU to not consider a date with this person?

I honk there's a certain irony in that a number of the people here calling the OP a snob are actually being inverted snobs themselves.

I'm in the same position as the OP and I wouldn't date him either. Yes, he may be super intelligent but struggling to get work etc, and yes it may be just circumstance, but I can assure you that we would have a lot less in common just based on basic life experiences than I would with someone in a similar situation to myself.

OP you're not a snob at all. You're clearly just looking for someone in a similar situation who you will be able to relate to as a result. Ignore the usual mumsnet mafia who have to relate everything to a secret or unknown medical/social/economic problem that you can't possibly be expected to take into account in every aspect of life...

YANBU

30s and works part time and lives with his parents -
Doubt he's going to have a massive career change now.

I have several friends who work in shops, it's what they do, they aren't going to do anything else now. For many it was their part time student job and they've just carried on. It's just what they like doing (so not ambitious at all).

Although friends with people who work in retail I'm not sure what I would look for in a long term partner.

Work in retail. Mensa member. Part time (although I have young DC's)... it takes a certain kind of person to work in retail op, most would crack at the first sniff of an abusive customer 🙄 I will say in his defence that in some areas of retail f/t hours are hard to come by but if he's in a supermarket then this shouldn't be an issue ordinarily, but you never know if he has a reason for only working p/t. Also my brother only moved out at 32, he was saving for a house (London) I've owned since I was 21 damn that retail salary yanbu for not wanting to date him but yabu to judge a person based on their job and living arrangements.

'So does no one on here make ANY judgement on someone before you go out with them? Literally anyone who asks you out you go out with them?

I call absolute 100% bullshit hmm'

This ^ And don't get me started on anyone who posts that they aren't sexually compatible with a person, for whatever reason, then it's cue 100 posts about how to train him/her, give him/her a chance, it'll get better with love, you're such a snob to want (oral sex, a big cock or tits, fit body, someone who lasts more than a minute, foreplay and on and on). It's no wonder so many posts in Relationships involve people in utter shit excuses for relationships still clinging on to someone who's crap, stuck with him/her due to finances, kids, moved abroad with person, etc etc.

Who gives a fuck who this person is? You don't want to date him. So don't. It doesn't make you a bad person at all.

Also, in all honesty, a lot of the reasons that would make someone need/have to work part timel/live at home can actually be pretty difficult to deal with in a partner.

If he has significant caring responsibilities, does he really have the time/energy for a long term relationship? Will he ever be able to move out to live with you if this is the case?

People with mental health issues to the point where they can't cope with working full time often don't make good romantic partners. Having dated someone with depression, I'd never do it again.

People who are working part time to focus on their writing/music/stand-up and haven't got anywhere/done anything decent with it by their 30s can be pretty tedious to date as well. Yes, in some cases it will all work out, but for a lot of them it's just an expensive and time consuming pipe dream. If he was serious about any of this, your friend would probably have sold him as "He's a stand up comic who also works in a shop part time" or whatever.

Like, yeah, maybe he's lovely, and if you'd met in a bar and hit it off then that would be different, but going on a blind date/internet date with someone who probably has very different life goals to you... it does seem like a bit of a waste of time to me.

I've said already that I'm quite old. How do people meet these days? Do people not just meet someone that they like the look of or get a good feeling about them on a night out or whatever and take it from there?

YANBU. Yes he may be a lovely person but hd must have some kind of problems if he is still living with his parents, hasn't got a career etc at his age.why would you want to get involved in that?

What a spiteful post Niki. This isn't the 1950's. Young women don't go out with "anybody" now just so they aren't "left on the shelf." People are allowed to be choosy. Being single is not a crime. Being in a pitiful relationship is.

YANBU - I wouldn't want to go on a date with someone in the same circumstances that you've been told this guy has (lives at home with parents / works in retail). That isn't something that I find attractive, not being unreasonable to say that you don't want to go on a date with someone who's circumstances you don't find attractive.

Personally I think the other posters making comments about how you have unfairly judged him and that your a snob ect ect to be a bit unreasonable. Doesn't matter if OP has unfairly judged him or not - OP can only make a decision to go on the date or not based on the information provided by her friend! Based on what she knows she's not attracted to him.

Literally anyone who asks you out you go out with them?

Yup. I'm calling bullshit too.

Op don't put your self down because of some random on line. You are amazing, we all are amazing in our own way, and we should have enough self worth to know it. And you certainly shouldn't settle for something you don't want.

And to niki, it's not about whether someone doesn't want her, it's about whether she wants them. Better to be single than with someone you don't wish to be with and are totally incompatible with. It's really not any man, it's the right man.

Maybe the op should give you his number though if he's just your type.

Spot on expat

And Heaven forbid a woman is single rather than just settling for anyone who shows an interest /happens to be available

Presumably, if there was a 'he works in a shop while he trains to be a teacher/builds a Grand Designs style house/cares for his sick parent' scenario, your mutual friend would have said so. If the most interesting thing she could tell you about him if that he works in a shop, he doesn't sound thrilling.

bluntness I'm glad you think that guy who works in a shop and lives with his parents is amazing in his own way

If i was dating I'd prefer to date my equal to be honest.

bluntness I'm glad you think that guy who works in a shop and lives with his parents is amazing in his own way

Ha! But he will be. No one is saying he is a bad person, I'm sure he's just lovely, just simply he is displaying traits and values that the op, and othes, myself included would not find attractive in a partner. A friend maybe, but not a life partner.

HemanOrSheRa Obviously that still happens, but online dating is quite a big thing now, especially via Tinder. In some ways, it's not a good thing, but when I used it, it did make me think critically about what I wanted in someone I was potentially going to date- for example, I'm pretty outdoorsy and like to travel, so I'd want a partner who enjoys these things too.

Being set up by a friend is more like online dating, I think you have to have reasons to make the effort, whereas if you meet someone IRL and have chemistry, it's more like finding reasons not to date them. Even then, though, I think significant mismatches in finances/career goals/life goals are a reason not to start something potentially long term with someone.

YA definitely not BU for choosing who you want to date.

YABU for sounding snotty about him working in a shop. I have a 1st class degree and am a store manager (saving for my eventual PhD because one still has to eat and pay bills!) He's not necessarily at the arse end of society because of where he works.

Snobbery is snobbery.

i was dating I'd prefer to date my equal to be honest.

What system do you use for determining whether other human beings are your "equal"?

I was once asked out by a man whose music collection mainly featured stuff like 100 Driving Anthems, Celine Dion, Venga Boys Greatest Hits.

He was most certainly not my equal. Imagine having sexual relations with someone who listened to the Venga Boys. Unconscionable.

Living at home is the deal breaker. Mind you the job thing isn't appealing either. YANBU

I'd give him a whirl. What's the worst that could happen. He might turn out to be a right laugh or a good shag or both. He might think you are the cleverest woman in the whole world and make you feel great about yourself. As opposed to the clever ambitious men who need to be the alpha in the relationship and will be forever be putting you down to make sure they feel good about themselves (speaks from bitter experience).

Quite Squoosh. A sound judgement call if I may say so.

He was most certainly not my equal. Imagine having sexual relations with someone who listened to the Venga Boys. Unconscionable

That's a hellish extreme example squiish, TBF

squoosh, sorry.