To not go on a date with someone who works in a shop

[therealbridgetjones]

A friend of mine is trying to set me up with a friend of hers. I don't know much about him other than he is my age and works in a shop. He lives at home with his parents (early thirties).

I'm in my late twenties. I'm intelligent, have a career, earn above average and have my own house. I've lived away from my parents for about ten years and am completely independent.

I've worked in retail and to be honest it made me work bloody hard at university because I didn't want to end up back there!

My friend seems shocked and calls me snobby because I don't want to go on a date with her friend. She thinks I'm a gold digger but this couldn't be further from the truth! Her argument is that it's about the person and not their ambitions etc but surely this is a part of a person? I'm attracted to intelligence, ambition and independence.

So AIBU to not consider a date with this person?

But he knew where he wanted go and he got there. The shop is irrelevant, the work you do is not

But that's about ambition surely? This man has none, the friend has agreed he does what he does because that's all he wishes to do. this is the info she has to go on. Your husband did have ambition.

Yabu and very up yourself.
He could be at uni part time. Building a business plan. Working up to manager. In fact I don't care what a person does for a job so long as it makes them happy.
I could be in a corporate environment but I went back to public sector because I LOVE the job.

We spend too much of our lives working to hate our job maybe he enjoys it or maybe he does it because it pays the bills either way least he has a decent work ethic

There's no shame in earning an honest living

Absolutely and if he was earning a living and not having his parents support him, that would be fine. But he's not earning a living is he?

No I'm not stirring. Just trying to work out if this is where I'm going wrong with dating.

Sitting here going on about it instead of getting out there and doing it?

As Heman says a date isn't a betrothal. Why do you need us to handwring with you about a guy you've never met?

Maybe try it just the once, give him a chance and if there's no come tion move on. Maybe he's worth another date maybe not but you'll never know if you don't try. What have you got to lose? Maybe he doesn't like pushy women/or traits you possess, but then again you may be the girl of his dreams.

at everyone calling you snobby OP. You have said you are an ambitious and independent person, why on earth would anyone consider you finding the exact opposite traits unattractive snobbery?
Ffs.
Say no with impunity. If your friend can't understand your reasons then that's their problem.

Its not his fault if his job pays a pittance and. He can't afford a place of his own

• oops meant connection

I know women who dismiss lovely guys for being "too short" - something that the man has zero control over, and has no reflection on his personality - and friends always say "fair enough". I think that's bonkers.

I'm finding it very odd that lots of posters say you should disregard a man's job and living situation - something that he will have had some choice over and will probably have some relation to his personality.

Yes there is a chance that this guy is working part time and living with parents whilst he writes a successful novel or programmes the next Facebook, at which point he morphs into an independent man who moves out of home. But a greater chance that isn't the case. It's up to the OP to decide whether she wants to commit an evening of her time to this possibility.

To me the working part time and living with parents is a concern - why not work full time and save up to move out in future?

We're talking about looking for a partner here. I worked in retail as a teenager and there are lots of reasons that I didn't like it and it didn't suit me, and I probably wouldn't click with a partner who liked retail, we would be very different characters, even if they were Mr Sainsbury himself. Of course I'd happily be friends with someone who worked in a shop, but in terms of a partner I would want more in common in our interests and personalities and lifestyle.

I have noticed that of my school friends I get along best now with those who went into similar career fields to me. It's not to do with earnings, as that isn't correlated in this example.

He sounds like he's not for you. Of course you wouldn't be unreasonable.

So it's a supermarket. Is it just food retail that's a no no?

Wow. Snob.

Dating a man in his 30's who lives with his parents and works part time in a shop?

Wouldn't be for me. Though I did date dh who drove a van (was straight out of uni though and trying to secure his first job) - he also lived with his mum.

Just go on one date and then decide!?? You've never even met the bloke.

I think it's perfectly OK to not go out with a man just because you don't like the tassels on his shoes, never mind his job and his personality. Attraction is weird, and nobody is entitled to your romantic time and attention if you do not wish to give it.

The only reason I posted before was to put forward alternative explanations of the living at home thing and the job thing. There's lots of assumptions about, eg, still living at the family home which just don't hold up for everyone in the same way. But if it's a dealbreaker for the OP, then it's a dealbreaker. (And she did say it was manbaby rather than alternative reasons.)

He could also be really good with his tongue

You do not have to go on a date with someone you don't like the sound of because other people tell you you should. If it's not for you, it's not for you.
I agree that your friend isn't being very friendly to set you up with someone whose lifestyle and ideology doesn't match yours then insult you for declining.
You can say no for any reason. Yanbu.

You can decline to go on a date with anyone. No is a full sentence and you don't have to explain yourself to anyone.

dont date him. he doesnt deserve someone so far up her own arse.

You don't need a reason.

The shop wouldn't bother me but living with parents would.

So does no one on here make ANY judgement on someone before you go out with them? Literally anyone who asks you out you go out with them?

I call absolute 100% bullshit

YANBU for not wanting to date anyone.

YABU for deciding he's unambitious and, well, implying he's beneath you because he works in retail.

YAMBU. You both have different life goals, I don't see how you are at all compatible. I also don't see how you could honestly be called a gold digger since you work and have your own home.

If your 'friend' insists on setting you up with someone you are not compatible with, then insults you when you refuse, I'd question that friendship.
And 'gold digger' is an over used insult in the MRA community.

You're judgey, shallow and a snob. Why not meet him and see if you like him? If you are well paid yourself then you don't need a man with a money tree, you can choose to be with someone just because you like him - and you can't know that without meeting him. My dad 'worked in a shop' and he was a profoundly educated, intelligent and cultured man. Not ambitious in a career sort of way, he found his niche and was widely respected by people who knew him.