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AIBU?

To not go on a date with someone who works in a shop

750 replies

therealbridgetjones · 11/09/2017 20:54

A friend of mine is trying to set me up with a friend of hers. I don't know much about him other than he is my age and works in a shop. He lives at home with his parents (early thirties).

I'm in my late twenties. I'm intelligent, have a career, earn above average and have my own house. I've lived away from my parents for about ten years and am completely independent.

I've worked in retail and to be honest it made me work bloody hard at university because I didn't want to end up back there!

My friend seems shocked and calls me snobby because I don't want to go on a date with her friend. She thinks I'm a gold digger but this couldn't be further from the truth! Her argument is that it's about the person and not their ambitions etc but surely this is a part of a person? I'm attracted to intelligence, ambition and independence.

So AIBU to not consider a date with this person?

OP posts:
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Happydoingitjusttheonce · 11/09/2017 21:27

It's not snobby, it's entirely reasonable for OP to want to date someone who has the resources to live the same kind of lifestyle she can afford, and that's important if thoughts get round to the future. If there's a mismatch, OP will become resentful. On the basis this man is known to get friend, I'm sure OP has enough insight to his lifestyle, prospects etc to know that there would be a disparity

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Winebomb · 11/09/2017 21:27

The living with parents would be a big no no for me, unless there was a backstory, like recently divorced and sorting them selves out. But even then the recently divorced thing would make me feel a bit...

I can honestly relate to the not wanting to date someone who works in a shop. Not everyone can have high flying careers, but it you have one, it does help if your partner knows what it's like (not saying retail work isn't hard, but it's very different from a skilled professional job, just a siffeeent set of challenges and responsibilities in both). My ex had a job not a career and he just could never get why I would need to sometimes log in from home to deal with an international client query at an obscure hour (he had a law degree by the way, but no desire to become a lawyer, he went to uni to please his parents and drifted from job to job afterwards, claiming he couldn't find even the most basic legal assistant role)

I do think your OP came across a bit wrong though.

This guy doesn't sound on the surface at least the slightly ambitious, and I could never date someone who wasn't.

My DH is less ambitious than I am, but at least has some fire in his belly! And we do compliment each other quite well, I am the stress head, he is the laid back one. I don't think you need to justify yourself to your friend, we all find different things attractive.

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fruitlovingmonkey · 11/09/2017 21:27

YANBU.
I wouldn't date someone who still lived with his parents, unless it was a very short term situation.

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SerfTerf · 11/09/2017 21:28

he'd unlikely to be on your level, ambition/career prospects-wise or intellectually.

Miaow.

I think you're suffering from limited life experience there cal Grin

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beeny · 11/09/2017 21:28

Yanbu, you are entitled to go out with someone with the same ambitions.

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DSHathawayGivesMeFannyGallops · 11/09/2017 21:28

YABU; I can see where you're coming from - and agree- in terms of this guy and his outlook but your title is over dramatic and you've picked unfairly on retail. I am in retail management and was too nervous to go online dating for years because I was sure people would see I "just worked in a shop" and ignore me. It's bloody hard work and can be better (not me atm though Grin) remunerated than people think.

There are also plenty of low-level clerical/officey/ non retail jobs that are total dead-ends or badly paid or poor hours as well- and the people doing them can be just as unambitious. Don't be fooled!

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KERALA1 · 11/09/2017 21:28

I find it hard to believe that in their youth the critical posters haven't refused dates on unjustifiable grounds - wrong shoes, annoying laugh etc Grin just me then!

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SerfTerf · 11/09/2017 21:29

wouldn't date someone who still lived with his parents, unless it was a very short term situation.

You can say "one night stand" here fruit WinkGrin

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LoyaltyAndLobster · 11/09/2017 21:29

OP it shouldn't be down to your friend to "set you up for dates"

Go out there and find someone yourself.

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jaseyraex · 11/09/2017 21:29

As I said Bluntness, my DH was a sales assistant when we met. 16 hour contract. But he knew where he wanted go and he got there. The shop is irrelevant, the work you do is not.

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CockacidalManiac · 11/09/2017 21:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Gingertam · 11/09/2017 21:30

The shop bit would be ok. Early thirties living at home would totally put me off. Work with two men who live at home who are total mummy's boys. My friend has just married a 36 year old who has only just left home. He is so immature compared to her. You don't have to justify why you don't want to go out with someone. I wouldn't bother.

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squoosh · 11/09/2017 21:30

Wild horses couldn't persuade me to go out with a man in his thirties who'd always lived with his parents. Total fanny shriveller.

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MumsOnCrack · 11/09/2017 21:30

I found DH and I was convinced I wanted someone with their own house etc...he still lived at home and we are very happy together. Trivial things like this do not matter when you find your person.

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leighdinglady · 11/09/2017 21:30

I wouldn't date him either. Living at home in his 30's whilst working part time in a shop. I just can't see we'd have anything in common at such different stages in our lives. I'd consider that the life of someone in their early 20's.

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TomatoTomAto · 11/09/2017 21:31

Thanks Serf.
Unfortunately I think a lot of people feel this way.
Ho hum...Hopefully I'll meet someone that doesn't have their head stuck so far up their own arse that that could give themselves a colonoscopy.

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SerfTerf · 11/09/2017 21:31

I can't believe we're all debating this. It's just what the GF wants us to do 🙄

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SerfTerf · 11/09/2017 21:31

Yeah well who wants to date someone like that anyway Tom?

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bimbobaggins · 11/09/2017 21:31

I wouldn't go out with a man who lived with his parents in his early thirties. But I wouldn't judge you for not wanting to date someone who worked in a shop , each to their own

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MumsOnCrack · 11/09/2017 21:32

And if early thirties living at home puts you off, then wonder why when you're 40 there are no good men. The average time for buying a house is mid thirties and he could have lots of savings and ambitions. You're writing him off on the wrong criteria imo.

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HemanOrSheRa · 11/09/2017 21:33

It's just a date though. A night out. I'm quite old and used to do this sort of thing often. I met some quite unsuitable men. It was lovely. Don't the young 'uns just go on dates any more? Do they all be looking for long term relationship stuff?

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RafikiIsTheBest · 11/09/2017 21:34

There are never ending reasons/excuses why he could be working part time in a shop and living with his parents. He could be a carer for them and waiting for more time so he could begin studies to do something career wise. He could have health issues which means he cannot work long hours and needs support (physical or emotional) at home. He could be a lazy manchild who has no desire to earn enough money to support himself, make his own meals or wash his own underpants.

But from everything the OP has said so far I think the last one is most likely. And if the OP is very driven with her career and finds that attractive in a partner then why should she entertain dating a this man. I don't find short fat men attractive, should I date one because actually he might be a really nice guy? If there are obvious put offs then why waste his time or yours?

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SerfTerf · 11/09/2017 21:34

The millennials are incredibly serious folk heman Smile

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Spuddington · 11/09/2017 21:34

You snobby cah.

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whirlygirly · 11/09/2017 21:34

Hmm. I met my dh when we were both working in a shop. He's now md of an organisation you'd have heard of. (Not retail)

The living independently bit would be the deal breaker for me. Those shop earnings bought us our first home aged 23. I haven't lived with my parents since I was 18.

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