To not go on a date with someone who works in a shop

[therealbridgetjones]

A friend of mine is trying to set me up with a friend of hers. I don't know much about him other than he is my age and works in a shop. He lives at home with his parents (early thirties).

I'm in my late twenties. I'm intelligent, have a career, earn above average and have my own house. I've lived away from my parents for about ten years and am completely independent.

I've worked in retail and to be honest it made me work bloody hard at university because I didn't want to end up back there!

My friend seems shocked and calls me snobby because I don't want to go on a date with her friend. She thinks I'm a gold digger but this couldn't be further from the truth! Her argument is that it's about the person and not their ambitions etc but surely this is a part of a person? I'm attracted to intelligence, ambition and independence.

So AIBU to not consider a date with this person?

You don't need to justify to us or anyone. You're not compatible with someone like this, so don't go out with him. Absolutely expat.

We need though. What sort of shop? Why is he still living with his parents? Is there a reason? I think a film plot could be made here .

Friend set ups are often a bit "weird" and this sounds like your friend is overinvested in controlling your love life.I mean maybe she could bring eligible mates along to parties "just in case" but this situation seems very pressurised and intense.

You don't need to justify why you don't want to date someone.

I'm an ethnic minority and on match.com often I've seen profiles who set their preferences as "white". It's their preference, it doesn't have to be rational, they don't owe me their penis or a date, they're not members of the ku klax klan for having a preference (funnily enough I did get a fairly conservative chap who'd marked this insist on meeting me and fall terribly in love with me cause obviously I'm hot )

Incidentally, I think whenever women override their instincts in a "give him a chance" way it goes wrong.

Also, speaking as someone who genuinely seriously fancied a LOT of my managers/colleagues when I worked retail, I would say that for serious partner material the shifts/hours are fairly anti social? Last minute overtime /call ins were frequent

Also, there is often little opportunity to go from "junior manager" to "more senior with bloody good wages" level? So you get a lot of guys stuck at the "lots of responsibility with weird anti-social shifts" level with no clear way to get forward/get out?

No Chance OP... don't date this guy

You say he still lives at home, so has he never lived independently? That would really put me off much more than his job.

Maybe he's a musician or an artist or an entrepreneur when he's at home. Lots of people working in shops have talents, skills, ambitions and dreams.

You shouldn't go out with anyone you're not interested in, but I think this is a very snobby.

You are being a snob and completely unreasonable. You don't even know the chap yet you feel you can judge him.

I have a friend who lives at home with his parents in their 8 bedroomed manor house. He has an entire wing to himself and cooks/cleans for his parents to help them out as they're getting on a bit. He also works at the family owned farm shop/deli. He is a really lovely genuine guy.

He works in a shop and lives with his parents and to be honest I'm glad all the nice golddiggers girls are giving him a wide berth Imagine if they had to lower their standards just to date him. What sort of life could he possibly offer them

Yanbu. I was super picky about who I dated. I wouldn't accept dates from people that lived in places I didn't like in case we got on, got married and they wanted to live there and I didn't (reading, Weston super mare and Perth if you're interested).

I'm sure in reality people don't think like this Tom

OP is just teasing us all, I'm sure.

It's a supermarket.

Yeah the living with parents in his 30s thing would put me off much more than any choice of job tbh. It was important to me to be independent after uni so I lived in shared houses until I could afford my own place.

If I was interested apart from that then probably go out with him once though, to see if there were any mitigating circumstances like caring responsibilities, rather than him just being lazy or too much of a snob to live in a house-share.

IN the current climate, quite a lot of people work in retail and live with their parents because there are few other options - and retail work, with a good employer, is fairly secure, if low paid.

But that still doesn't mean you have to date a man just because your friend wants you to. Are you actually looking for dates in the first place, or is your friend one of these who thinks a woman is not complete without a man?

Overplaying it a bit now though

No he has never lived independently.

No he isn't studying.

Real life: you can refuse to date whoever you want for whatever reason

MN: I would go out with anyone irrespective of anything less than favourable in their life and anyone who doesn't is a hideous snob and very shallow and judgemental and shall be condemned to the fiery pits of hell

YANBU, I wouldn't go on a date with someone unless I thought there was a really good chance they would be suitable. You would be wasting your time and his. There is nothing wrong with wanting a partner who has a similar outlook and ambitions to yourself.

The shop thing wouldn't bother me in the slightest - could be multiple reasons for it, ranging from not being money/career obsessed, to as others have said using it while furthering other interests, or due to any sorts of issues (mental/physical illness or whatever)- nothing wrong with any of these. Retail is hard work, both physically and mentally in terms of dealing with the lovely general public, so I have respect for anybody working in that sector.

However the living at home thing would give me concerns only because (having seen multiple threads on here about man-babies who have been coddled by parents and then go straight from parents
home to girlfriend's, incapable of washing, cooking, or cleaning up after themselves) it does suggest immaturity and a lack of go-getting/self-sufficient nature that I would find incompatible.

Yes there are a number of people who are fully self-sufficient and live at home for various justifiable reasons, however I would think they are the minority, and the vast majority of people living with their parents in their thirties will be dependent on them in one way or another, whether financially or domestically, which I would struggle to find attractive.

Don't date someone if you don't want to date them. But to say you don't purely because he "works in a shop" is absolutely ludicrous and incredibly snobby. My DH was a sales assistant in a shop when I met him when he was 28, he's now an area manager for that same shop at 34 and he worked his arse off to get there. A hard worker is surely the importance rather than the job they are working.

Wow, I'm pretty shocked by your attitude.

I am 30, I work in a shop, and I live in my parents house with my husband and son.

In my 20's I had my own house, a good career, earned way above average, and everything was going well for me. Oh, and I have a good degree from a very good university.

Don't count your chickens, you never know what life is going to throw at you. I didn't envision that I'd be living in my parents house and working in retail at 30. I MOST CERTAINLY didn't think that anyone would believe that I am beneath them and not worthy of their time because of it.

Don't go on a date with him, not because he works in a shop or lives with his parents, don't go on a date with him because he doesn't deserve to be judged by you.

YANBU date who you want, for whatever reasons. People will probably have reasons that they wouldn't date you and that's ok. That's what makes people compatible, or not. You shouldn't feel obliged or grateful to have a date. I am going to call massive B.S. on anyone who says they've never pre-judged someone else.

YANBU! Save him a life time of you looking down on him by never going on that first date!

Now I have got that out of my system, you are not compatible in any way, so don't waste your time or his!

Princes Harry and William still live at home.
I think it depends on the shop. Dodi's dad owned Horrids. Not sure what work Do do did.

I once sent out with a shopkeeper. In the same street as Sam Cam's shop.

If you were prepared to be kind and have an open mind you might be surprised. A friend of mine went out with Tim.. She thought he was boring despite the shop.

No - YANBU.
If he was studying and living at home/working in a shop, I'd say YABU.
But he's not studying and according to your friend, he's not ambitious.

So in a hypothetical relationship, you'd be the main breadwinner and he'd unlikely to be on your level, ambition/career prospects-wise or intellectually.

That could work, but it's unlikely.

I ended up with someone who earns significantly less than me when we both work full-time and it has bred resentment on both sides.

YANBU to turn down a date for whatever reasons you have...

However...

He may be truly lovely and you may really hit it off.

Yabu to not go on a date with him to at least see what his ambitions are.

Yabnu to think how his job may make you feel in the future.

My partner works for a supermarket, doesn't work hard (own words) been there 13 years, has a shit pension and he has no ambition for progression or move elsewhere. Even though we have a DS together. Both in our mid 30s.

It really grates me that he won't even think about changing jobs and I do feel like he still has a teenage job without any commitments and I have to manage the finances and save for the extras. I'm in a professional field, uni educated but work part time.

A hard worker is surely the importance rather than the job they are working

Would that be working hard in his part time hours then that would do it for you?

Dodi. Really didn't mean to write Do do. That would be very unkind. Apologies.