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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not go on a date with someone who works in a shop

750 replies

therealbridgetjones · 11/09/2017 20:54

A friend of mine is trying to set me up with a friend of hers. I don't know much about him other than he is my age and works in a shop. He lives at home with his parents (early thirties).

I'm in my late twenties. I'm intelligent, have a career, earn above average and have my own house. I've lived away from my parents for about ten years and am completely independent.

I've worked in retail and to be honest it made me work bloody hard at university because I didn't want to end up back there!

My friend seems shocked and calls me snobby because I don't want to go on a date with her friend. She thinks I'm a gold digger but this couldn't be further from the truth! Her argument is that it's about the person and not their ambitions etc but surely this is a part of a person? I'm attracted to intelligence, ambition and independence.

So AIBU to not consider a date with this person?

OP posts:
JonSnowsWife · 12/09/2017 15:13

I despair at women who don't judge their potential dates actually, have you no standards at all?

Yes plenty thankyou.

But mine tend to be of the 'does he treat me well? Rather than 'how much does he earn?' type standards.

ballestief · 12/09/2017 15:14

Best tell my BIL that as that is exactly what he did for a while. He now earns a high end 6 figure salary

jolly good for him. Sounds like he found some ambition then Smile

ballestief · 12/09/2017 15:14

But mine tend to be of the 'does he treat me well? Rather than 'how much does he earn?' type standards

Great, if that works for you. But there is nothing wrong with wanting a partner who treats one well AND earns good money.

ballestief · 12/09/2017 15:16

Point is, surely better to actually meet the person rather than making a judgement based on little or no real information

Only if she wants to. No reason that she should though. One is not obliged to kiss any passing frog just because they pucker up.

Bluntness100 · 12/09/2017 15:18

But mine tend to be of the 'does he treat me well? Rather than 'how much does he earn?' type standards

Ah, see my standards are much more encompassing, it's both the does he treat me well type plus also can he financially support himself and live independantly to his mum type. I'm quite picky like that though. .higher standards I guess..,

QueenMortificado · 12/09/2017 15:22

But mine tend to be of the 'does he treat me well? Rather than 'how much does he earn?' type standards

Why can't we have both?

Bluntness100 · 12/09/2017 15:23

Why can't we have both?

We can and do. It's simply some women's choice not to. I fail to see why they then criticise the women who want both.

KidLorneRoll · 12/09/2017 15:33

"Only if she wants to. No reason that she should though. One is not obliged to kiss any passing frog just because they pucker up."

That goes without saying, of course, but if someone is looking for a partner - and I can only assume if she is being set up. she is - then dismissing someone purely on the basis of them working in a shop does seem a shortsighted when there could be any number of reasons for him having that job.

QueenMortificado · 12/09/2017 15:35

It's simply some women's choice not to. I fail to see why they then criticise the women who want both.

Agree

misshelena · 12/09/2017 15:40

Best tell my BIL that as that is exactly what he did for a while. He now earns a high end 6 figure salary

So? What's your point? Bill Gates and M Zuckerberg both dropped out of college and are now mega billionaires. Are you saying that this 30+ yo guy OP's being introduced to is a future Bill Gates?? You know, earlier there was a poster looking for a cat that shiits gold...

misshelena · 12/09/2017 15:47

it's both the does he treat me well type plus also can he financially support himself and live independantly to his mum type. I'm quite picky like that though. .higher standards I guess

Yup- higher standards please. I would be seriously pissed if either of my dds thought that the only men who could possibly treat her well are men who work min wage PT and live in mom's basement at 30+!

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 12/09/2017 15:49

So? What's your point?

Point is unless you know someone you have no idea what their ambitions are.

Not quite sure why you are so PA and rude tbh.

carefreeeee · 12/09/2017 15:56

I would be a little suspicious about why someone was still living with their parents when they were that age.

On paper I would have said I preferred someone with a decent job etc but ended up with someone unemployed and living with parents. I had already got to know him before I found out these things so that made a difference - I doubt I would have taken things further if I had found that out before meeting him. Neither of those 2 things turned out to be a problem as such - but it does indicate certain things about someone's character which do affect the relationship - but they are by no means as important as many other things about him and we're very happy after several years. No one is perfect but he's the most perfect I met so far.

However it depends on your own priorities and also to an extent how sexist you are - to me it doesn't matter that I earn much more but it matters to him and can be a source of friction.

InvisibleKittenAttack · 12/09/2017 16:00

Yes, being the higher earner can be in your benefit if you want to continue to work full time after having dcs and want your dcs to be raised by a full time parent, but it can be a shitty situation if you would like to be the one to stay at home, or for you/you both to go part time.

Being with a low paid partner limits your options. Obviously some people fall in low with someone on low pay, ( and by 30-something, if you have never shown any interest in earning more than min wage, it's probably going to be as good as it gets), but to seek out dating someone with limited earning potential and no "get up and go", seems a bad choice.

misshelena · 12/09/2017 16:02

Point is unless you know someone you have no idea what their ambitions are

Lives in mom's basement at 30 yo + PT min wage = Enough info to know that odds are excellent that he and OP have different definitions of "ambition"

Pass... no need to waste either one's time.

InvisibleKittenAttack · 12/09/2017 16:04

Oh and another issue - this is someone the op can't see wanted to have a long term relationship with, but they have friends in common. If she does take the advice to just give him a go, and it turns out that yes, a man who has failed to launch from his parents house or build any sort of career is really is a poor match for the op, then it could get awkward for the mutual friends.

BaDumShh · 12/09/2017 16:09

If this man was married, working PT for no other reason than that’s all he could be bothered to do, and not contributing equally towards the household bills/children, everyone here would be calling him a cocklodger and telling the woman to LTB.

Or, imagine if this man’s MOTHER was to post on here: “AIBU to tell my early 30s son, who still lives at home and only works PT in a supermarket for no reason other than the fact that he can’t be arsed to work longer hours or in a more taxing job to either pay me more or move out?” everybody would be telling the mother to kick her overgrown manchild out, and blaming her for being a mug and putting up with it for so long.

This man is a cocklodger in the making. I don’t blame the OP for not wanting to date him at all.

graceyg · 12/09/2017 16:16

YANBU . Christ all these people being offended... it is only the same as flicking through TINDER and 'no' voting people who you deem to be 'not attractive / fat / or you read they have a lesser job title than you'd like.'

Everyone has biases / preferences

gandalf456 · 12/09/2017 16:23

I'd hate anyone to judge me like this. I have spent the day talking myself into nobody cares what you do. Turns out many do.

It is easy to land up in retail and get stuck there. There are certain good things and perks too that you may not get in an equivalent low paid job but with higher perceived status.

As for ambition, I get that on a certain level but is it more to be on your wavelength (i.e. you're ambitious so you'd like someone on your wavelength ) or are you looking for a provider or worried that you might end up the provider?

WhatToDoAboutThis2017 · 12/09/2017 16:23

Not quite sure why you are so PA and rude tbh.

They're rude because they're bitter. They think so highly of themselves yet wonder why they're still single.

histinyhandsarefrozen · 12/09/2017 16:25
Grin
Happydoingitjusttheonce · 12/09/2017 16:26

Kidlorne, those circumstances you listed don't make the situation any better. OP would still be paying their way and that would wear very very thin

Aeroflotgirl · 12/09/2017 16:26

Yanbu, you have every right to say no. I hope he finds someone who is right for him. Look at the Colonal from KFC, he was in his 50s when he made his fortune and Alan Sugar was a market trader, and Bill Gates was a college drop out.

Happydoingitjusttheonce · 12/09/2017 16:29

OP could be overlooking a guy she'd really like but frankly it's a buyers market with women being the buyers. There is no such thing as The One. More like The Few or The Many.

Happydoingitjusttheonce · 12/09/2017 16:31

True Aeroflot but these are extremely rare examples

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