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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not go on a date with someone who works in a shop

750 replies

therealbridgetjones · 11/09/2017 20:54

A friend of mine is trying to set me up with a friend of hers. I don't know much about him other than he is my age and works in a shop. He lives at home with his parents (early thirties).

I'm in my late twenties. I'm intelligent, have a career, earn above average and have my own house. I've lived away from my parents for about ten years and am completely independent.

I've worked in retail and to be honest it made me work bloody hard at university because I didn't want to end up back there!

My friend seems shocked and calls me snobby because I don't want to go on a date with her friend. She thinks I'm a gold digger but this couldn't be further from the truth! Her argument is that it's about the person and not their ambitions etc but surely this is a part of a person? I'm attracted to intelligence, ambition and independence.

So AIBU to not consider a date with this person?

OP posts:
SteppingOnToes · 12/09/2017 12:33

I wouldn't date someone working part time and living with parents - I couldn't afford to support his lifestyle choices. Nothing to do with being snobby ok it is a bit

WhatToDoAboutThis2017 · 12/09/2017 12:33

For a couple of them it appears to be that the love of their lives was a part timer/unemployed 30+ dude living with his mother, and they are horrified that we wouldn't all like to be them.

Not sure why you think that. DH and I are childhood sweethearts and have lived together since we were 18. He's also worked full time since he was a teenager.

And I don't think anyone else has even implied their partner is like that either. It's simply that people's attitudes in this thread to those they consider beneath them is shocking.

ballestief · 12/09/2017 12:35

And I don't think anyone else has even implied their partner is like that either
Yes, they have, explicitly. Why would you think I was referring to you?

It's simply that people's attitudes in this thread to those they consider beneath them is shocking

You're the one that insists people are saying it's beneath them, not them, so really the only shocking attitude is yours.

SeamusMacDubh · 12/09/2017 12:40

OP, YANBU. From what you had written this guy:

Is in his 30's and has never lived away from home
Works part time in entry level retail job
Is not studying/working elsewhere
Does not have ambition (according to friend)

Where as you have your own home and have lived independently for 10 years, you have an established career earning above average salary.

On this alone, you are very different and different things are important to each of you.

Those PPs saying OP is shallow, I disagree. And those saying maybe he's just out of luck and In a temporary position, it is highly unlikely that he has recently divorced and is living back at home and working in retail whilst he looks for a job where he can use his masters degree.

I don't know why women are pressurised into going on dates with men and if they don't want to then they must obviously be judgy, stuck up cows Hmm if it was the other way around and the bloke had an established career and his own home etc and the woman was in retail and lived at home, people would be saying the woman was a layabout looking for a man to pay her way.

WhatToDoAboutThis2017 · 12/09/2017 12:46

You're the one that insists people are saying it's beneath them, not them, so really the only shocking attitude is yours.

Nope, your attitude just stinks of you thinking you're better than others.

histinyhandsarefrozen · 12/09/2017 12:48

All single women MUST accept dates from anyone otherwise they clearly think they are better than them. This must NOT happen. Uppity cows.

Oysterbabe · 12/09/2017 12:51

That's right tinyhands. In fact they should be required to keep a log of the diversity of their dates, much like HR does with employees. Their diversity data should be made public on request to ensure honesty and equality.

MrsEileithyia · 12/09/2017 12:52

I'm not comparing him, I'm just saying that even though my fella isn't as educated or has the same earning capacity as me he can still make me happy. It makes me sad that people might bypass someone that makes them happy because they ain't got nothin going on but the rent. My partner might be uneducated and blah blah because of poor life choices when he was 15 but now regrets it.

I totally get why people don't want to set the bar too low, or struggle through life with someone they are forever financially carrying but I'm happy. And I would rather be with my uneducated fella than someone who I feel I'm not in love with.

Plus he saves loads of cash by being fab at DIY and all the other shit I would just pay someone to do.

JohnVenn · 12/09/2017 12:54

Totally off on a tangent but his thread has made me think about Mrs Bennet from P and P and her talk of Mr Darcy having more than 10 thousand a year making him more eligible than Mr Collins with his mere £1000Smile

pigsDOfly · 12/09/2017 12:57

I'm not really getting this thread.

OP says she doesn't want to go on a date with this guy because he works in a shop and lives with his parents.

Why are you asking if this is reasonable OP? If you are the successful independent woman that you claim to be, why in hell are you asking a bunch of strangers on the internet if it's okay to refuse a date with this person.

In my day, before everything had to be passed before everyone on the net, if we didn't like the idea of going on a date with someone we just said no, not for me thanks.

Why does it require twenty three pages, so far, of discussion?

A 'no' from you is all it requires, surely.

Flyingflipflop · 12/09/2017 12:58

And another thread started just for the bunfight!

Kim Jung Un and Donald Trump are less tetchy than the average MNer.

KityGlitr · 12/09/2017 13:03

I'm very confused as to why people think that not wanting to date someone with incompatible lifestyles/goals means you think that person is beneath you?

Surely we can all choose what to accept in a dating partner? How many of you would say that she thinks he's beneath her if he was homeless on the streets or a heroin user or already had five kids by five women? People are entitled to their standards. I absolutely believe I am no 'better' than the men I used to work with in prison, if I thought that I doubt I'd have been able to be effective in my job. We are equal. We're both human beings. But I'm entitled not to want to date them!

I swear some of these posters won't be happy until women accept every single offer of a date whoever the guy is.

If you accept it's okay not to go on a date with an ex criminal or an alcoholic you've accepted we can all decide on our own standards.

KityGlitr · 12/09/2017 13:04

Ps everyone knows it's an orchestrated bunfight/goading but I people still enjoy debating things with each other whether or not the original post is real ;)

WhatToDoAboutThis2017 · 12/09/2017 13:06

All single women MUST accept dates from anyone otherwise they clearly think they are better than them. This must NOT happen. Uppity cows.

Nobody has said or even implied this. But feel free to make shit up if it fits your narrative.

TwoKidsAndCounting · 12/09/2017 13:09

No I wouldn't, his credentials don't sound great, working in a shop is 1 thing, still living with parents in his early 30's is another. Your not a snob you just have certain expectations that you shouldn't drop for anyone. I've read a few responses and there are a few mammy's lambasting you as they obviously have mammy boys at home who they feel they need to protect from such snobbery, looks like they need to kick the little feckers out on their ears and tell them to fend for themselves otherwise no woman or man will ever want to settle down with them. It's not attractive. So no YANBU, stick to your guns

pigsDOfly · 12/09/2017 13:09

Some of the posters are just arguing for the sake of it Kity. I suspect that if he were a homeless crack addict some posters would still say the OP thinks he's beneath her and she should give him a chance, and perhaps help him back on his feet, perhaps.

Yes he might be a lovely guy, but if the OP feels he isn't for her, then what's the point of meeting him in the first place, which is why I don't understand the point of the thread.

Don't want to go on a date, don't go on a date. It's really not difficult.

KidLorneRoll · 12/09/2017 13:10

Everything is, of course, free to choose friends and partners based on whatever criteria they choose, but dismissing someone for working in a shop is, well, pretty snobby and shortsighted.

I worked in a shop to support myself when I was at uni, my dad worked at M&S for a couple of years when he lost his highly skilled engineering job so he could continue to pay the bills. Other people simply don't have grand ambitions about having a career. Face-value judgements seldom do anyone any good.

misshelena · 12/09/2017 13:11

This has to be one of those "only on MN" situations. Of course, ANYONE and everyone has the right to set their own standards for who they date!

And those critical of OP's standards -- are you kidding? The basis of "compatibility" starts with respect. If OP already knows that she can't respect someone who, at 30+, still lives in mom's basement and has no chance of moving out given his PT gig (except with the help of a more well-off girlfriend), why would she lead him on and waste his time? She's not willing to be that gf!
We are all raised to expect something of our partners in life. My DDs, for example, already know that they won't consider anyone without a college degree or who's vegan.

pigsDOfly · 12/09/2017 13:12

Yes, probably a gf wanting to start a bun fight. Can't think why anyone'd bother posting something like this otherwise.

histinyhandsarefrozen · 12/09/2017 13:12

yeah, yeah, yeah

KityGlitr · 12/09/2017 13:13

Haha yes good point. I'd love to see that thread 'met a lovely guy, he's really sweet and we have loads in common. Only problem is, he's in active heroin/crack addiction and just got out of prison. He has four kids with two women and says he is single but still lives with his ex due to finances. He's never worked but has plans to become a pilot in the future. We have a laugh when we're together and he's gorgeous but I feel like as I'm a lawyer with five properties and my own practice we might not be compatible in the long run? What should I do?'

misshelena · 12/09/2017 13:14

Other people simply don't have grand ambitions about having a career

This is a problem for OP -- lack of ambitions. If that makes her "snobby", then so be it. I am proud to be raising two dds who are just as "snobby".

pigsDOfly · 12/09/2017 13:17

You missed you chance there Kity. You really should have started that thread. Would loved to have seen how that one went.

WhatToDoAboutThis2017 · 12/09/2017 13:18

I am proud to be raising two dds who are just as "snobby".

Their poor future partners (if they ever get any).

histinyhandsarefrozen · 12/09/2017 13:22

My gosh, imagine if they don't get a partner!

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