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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not go on a date with someone who works in a shop

750 replies

therealbridgetjones · 11/09/2017 20:54

A friend of mine is trying to set me up with a friend of hers. I don't know much about him other than he is my age and works in a shop. He lives at home with his parents (early thirties).

I'm in my late twenties. I'm intelligent, have a career, earn above average and have my own house. I've lived away from my parents for about ten years and am completely independent.

I've worked in retail and to be honest it made me work bloody hard at university because I didn't want to end up back there!

My friend seems shocked and calls me snobby because I don't want to go on a date with her friend. She thinks I'm a gold digger but this couldn't be further from the truth! Her argument is that it's about the person and not their ambitions etc but surely this is a part of a person? I'm attracted to intelligence, ambition and independence.

So AIBU to not consider a date with this person?

OP posts:
FlakeBook · 12/09/2017 09:13

I work in a shop. For my own reasons. I'm also educated to postgrad level and went to Oxbridge.
You're making massive assumptions about a person and it sounds as though he's had a lucky escape to me!!!

Happydoingitjusttheonce · 12/09/2017 09:18

Flakebook, your education is irrelevant. Unless you're the shop owner or manager then OP would still find herself paying your way.

ChickenBhuna · 12/09/2017 09:20

Happy - not sure of the relevance , but I'm a full time worker.

Happydoingitjusttheonce · 12/09/2017 09:26

Chicken the relevance is that OP is seeking someone who shares her lifestyle and career ambitions. From what she knows of supermarket guy, he doesn't. It is likely that you and your chap also shared the same lifestyle and ambitions, once he got back on his feet, the point being he was able to recover to get back to his previous position.

tehmina23 · 12/09/2017 09:27

I don't mind if a guy works in a shop as I have 2 male friends in supermarket retail, they're in management positions after starting on the shop floor aged 16.
One of my cousins & best friend also work there, both have been given promotion from the checkout to supervisor level.

BUT I do judge a man in his 30s living at home - even my min wage friends live in a shared house or whatever...

TatianaLarina · 12/09/2017 09:27

All these people working in shops don't seem to have grasped that that's not the issue - he's working part time and living with his parents in his mid 30s.

It doesn't actually matter where he works - those are the problematic factors.

feral · 12/09/2017 09:29

I once made the mistake of going on a date with my boss' friend's brother because I felt awkward saying no as I was OLD at the time and obviously looking for someone.

I came away from the dat offended that my boss thought he would be the guy for me. He was unemployed and unwilling to volunteer to gain office experience (he'd worked in a warehouse before but was now saying office or nothing but couldn't get a job in one as no exp), he didn't drive, lived in a council flat but spent all day down at his mum's being fed before going back home after his dinner (so basically nearly lived with the parents), and worst of all imo- when asked what music he was into he said 'chart music'.

He was so far away from how I am (or was at the time- good job, own place, solvent etc) and what I was looking for. Nice guy but so boring and uninspiring ! 3 hours of my life I'll never get back - I'm with the OP and wouldn't bother again if I'd had hindsight.

ChickenBhuna · 12/09/2017 09:33

Ah I see , Happy , that is a good point.

My post wasn't meant as an attack on the op in any way , I was just thinking if I'd have taken these two facts (long period of unemployment , lived with mum and dad) on face value , i'd have missed out on an amazing man.

Also (and again , I'm not saying the op is like this, I don't know her) , a friend of mine was very judgy when I met dp. Her exact words were 'I could never date a man that lived with his mum in his 30s' , she didn't ask why. She just jumped to that conclusion , she also called him a 'do gooder' because he's a man that works in a caring profession...

Bluntness100 · 12/09/2017 09:38

You need to get over yourself and realise there is more to life than what you earn

No she really doesnt, and when you can't even afford to support yourself, what you earn becomes a very big part of life when the reality of struggling to pay the bills kicks in.

There is no joy in poverty and someone who probably earns less than ten grand a year with no obvious desire to improve that, will need to either keep living with a parent who financially supports them, find a partner to financially support them, or rely on benefits.

Unlike the op, You on the other hand do need to get over yourself, realise this is 2017 and women have choices in terms of who they date.

Happydoingitjusttheonce · 12/09/2017 09:40

Chicken I hope she's no longer your friend!! What a disgraceful thing to say. I'm glad your chap got back on track Smile

ballestief · 12/09/2017 09:43

He might work in Fortnum and Mason

He ain't shopping there though Grin

MrsEileithyia · 12/09/2017 09:50

YABU.

I earn well above average and my partner earns minimum wage. He is funny, loving, kind, caring, thoughtful and the loyalist person I know. I wouldn't trade him in for someone earning six figures and a mansion.

Cantspell2 · 12/09/2017 09:51

The fact that he is not looking for a high flying career could be a good thing if the op is looking for a long term partner to have a family with. If she is career minded there is nothing to stop her having a child further down the line with him and he being the one to stay home with it. He might just be the perfect partner but the op will never know if she is unwilling even to meet him.

histinyhandsarefrozen · 12/09/2017 10:01

A perfect partner? Going from mummy to his gf? Very unlikely.

I do think some people hate the idea that women can pick and choose who they spend time with.

ballestief · 12/09/2017 10:03

I earn well above average and my partner earns minimum wage. He is funny, loving, kind, caring, thoughtful and the loyalist person I know. I wouldn't trade him in for someone earning six figures and a mansion

Did he live with his mummy in his thirties?

And frankly so what? You 're happy with that, doesn't mean OP needs to be, so how is she U?

Cantspell2 · 12/09/2017 10:09

His tiny hands I met my husband when he was 34 and I was middle twenties. I had brought my own flat a few years before and he was still living at home with his parents. He was a wonderful husband for 26 years and it surprises me that on here people are so quick to judge men who still live at home. After all on man no one seems allowed to judge anyone else for the life choices whether it is tattooing matching coffins on your head or having 10 children by 5 different fathers and living on the state but is ok to judge a man for living with his parents?

ballestief · 12/09/2017 10:10

Where did you bring your flat?

Cantspell2 · 12/09/2017 10:19

Now you are judging me for poor grammar. Not that I care but it just shows you man is far from the liberal non judgemental place it ties to sell itself as.

Cantspell2 · 12/09/2017 10:20

Mn not man but I blame that one on the auto correct on my ipad

histinyhandsarefrozen · 12/09/2017 10:25

But he wouldn't be the right guy for me. I don't know why you can't get that.
I like independant men, self-reliant, adventurous ones.
Not everyone does and that's ok.

Cantspell2 · 12/09/2017 10:31

You can still be independent, self reliant and adventurous. Maybe a man chooses to live with his parents as it is cheaper than solo living and hates flat shares and has spent all his spare time walking the Great Wall or China, living in a yurt on some dusty plain or sailing around the world. Would you still think he was a mummies boy just because his home base was his parents address. ( this is clearly off tangent as the op has said nothing about this fella)

Bluntness100 · 12/09/2017 10:33

I earn well above average and my partner earns minimum wage. He is funny, loving, kind, caring, thoughtful and the loyalist person I know. I wouldn't trade him in for someone earning six figures and a mansion

What is your point please? That your life decisions should dictate what every other woman wants in a partner. that's fairly arrogant. Why do you have absolutely no respect for the ops choices? If it was good enough for you it should be good enough for her?

ballestief · 12/09/2017 10:34

But it doesn't matter what you would think of such a man, does it? Unless you are so arrogant that you think everybody should do the same things as you in the same way. You make your choices, OP can make hers.
She can't possibly be unreasonable because she can choose not to date someone for any reason she likes.

KERALA1 · 12/09/2017 10:37

Yes living at home would put me off. But I have been put off by lesser things than that. You can be as PC as you want but in the world of choosing a life partner you are free to reject on any quirky grounds you want.

Am a hopeless golddigger though. DH killed himself laughing when he heard who I had dumped to go out with him Grin. Damn!

BR62Y · 12/09/2017 10:44

Nothing wrong with your view. Don't date him if you don't want to.

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