To not go on a date with someone who works in a shop

[therealbridgetjones]

A friend of mine is trying to set me up with a friend of hers. I don't know much about him other than he is my age and works in a shop. He lives at home with his parents (early thirties).

I'm in my late twenties. I'm intelligent, have a career, earn above average and have my own house. I've lived away from my parents for about ten years and am completely independent.

I've worked in retail and to be honest it made me work bloody hard at university because I didn't want to end up back there!

My friend seems shocked and calls me snobby because I don't want to go on a date with her friend. She thinks I'm a gold digger but this couldn't be further from the truth! Her argument is that it's about the person and not their ambitions etc but surely this is a part of a person? I'm attracted to intelligence, ambition and independence.

So AIBU to not consider a date with this person?

Exactly pictish, there are plenty of men out there who will not even look at a woman who is a little overweight no matter how accomplished she is. Why the hell shouldn't we be a bit choosy!!!

The living at home would put me off but the shop work wouldn't. I was top of my school, year, head girl, all As etc. at school. I hated university because everyone seemed too "studenty" for me. I dropped out and worked at a restaurant, although granted I went into management quite quickly. Some of the worst guests I've served have been those who think they're better than us.

I'm seriously shocked at how many of you are aghast that the OPs heart hasn't been set on fire by the thought of dating a man, that if things ever progressed with she would likely need to do all of the household running of her own and be subsidising him from the very beginning.

I would struggle to see past that.

With his part time wage, no chance that if she were to fall pregnant that he could support himself, let alone her and a baby through maternity.

I don't understand at all, why she would have worked so hard to become financially stable, why it's not understood why she wouldn't want to be with a man who relies on mummy for a roof over his head, but still cannot work more than part time hours.
Not only would she be unhappy but he would no doubt feel very inadequate because of the income divide.

And to the poster who asked how I would feel if someone said they didn't want to date a single mum, completely understand that people could come to that feeling for a variety of reasons, and that is 100% fine. People have a choice in who they date, much like I had a choice in becoming a mum and this man has chosen to work part time in a shop.

That's a bit of a fast forward, talking about babies.

I have done that lust at first sight fell in love or was it lust overlooked that we had lead very different lives and more importantly had very different outlooks

We were in our late 20's I had been independent since I was seventeen had lived abroad and travelled a lot this is what I enjoyed doing. He still lived at home wasn't interested in traveling was a creature of habit same pub with same friends every friday then for a curry at the same restaurant Saturday football Sunday lunch at his mums same holidays and so on

This for some people is absolutely what they want. I didn't should have listened to the little voice that kept telling me this guy isn't for you he is everything that you don't want in a partner but no I went into I can make his life better mode 🙄 What an idiot I was

Someone I used to go to school with (not a very nice someone) came into the bar and restaurant where I work. She smirked commenting 'oh so you are a waitress then'. I smiled and replied 'sure am'. I did not bother telling her I own the place and it paid my mortgage off in 4 years. So stealth boast I promise but it felt good. Also - all my staff are currently studying for PhD' and are working bloody hard. Never make assumptions on people.

That's meant to say no stealth!

Same here Enthusiam. I've also been a bugger for letting my imagination fill in the blanks in a way that completes the picture to my satisfaction (e.g., shop guy must be an aspiring song writer) and then I'm left disappointed. Tinder taught me to be more selective and whilst I'd never have said openly on my profile, my criteria included a solvent homeowner who if he had kids, were teenagers at least (grandkids were also fine!)

Bella912, I think everyone can make the distinction between your situation and supermarket guy's.

And well done!

asked how I would feel if someone said they didn't want to date a single mum
Again, no one should date a single mum to be fair if they don't want to have a relationship with someone with kids!! Dating isn't a democracy!
I had a relationship with someone who dated me when he normally wouldn't have dated someone with kids (i found this out gradually, later). He was kind to them, but didn't want to make arrangements in advance, loved to decide on the day what to do. He tried v hard to be fair, but it just didn't work, and when we split, he eventually met someone else and said the fact that she had no kids was a key part of what he wanted and needed. He should have trusted his initial view that, whether or not there was a 'spark', he didn't want a relationship with a single.mum.

You can't make people date anyone, and change their whole lifestyle just to be fair!

Actually, while we're at to, is it also logically unfair to rule people out for dating on the grounds of their gender...?

YANBU.

I would also be put off

Sparklingbrook, it isn't that fast forward to be talking about babies. If you think you'd like children and some point (be it 3, 5 or 10 years), then it makes sense to date someone with whom you see that potential. If you value being able to buy a family home with a garden and have no financial worries on your maternity or beyond, then you need to choose a partner that could built that with you.

Without the 'fast forward' thinking, the guy in question would end up getting dumped in a year or two as not suitable for a long-term relationship. So frankly, it makes sense not to waste his time or your own by dating or building a short-term dead end relationship.

I don't think YABU OP. It's not unreasonable to want to be with someone with similar ambitions. Living at home with parents would put me off too to be honest.

I remember really judging an ex who told me he couldn't drive after we'd started going out. I had a car and I didn't want to be chauffeuring him around. It ended up really annoying me that he had never bothered to learn.

It might not have mattered so much if I didn't have a car myself, I just wanted someone who would feel like my equal, and with that and the fact he didn't have any qualifications made me not view him that way.

So you're right, OP, these things grate once you're actually in a relationship with someone.

I wouldn't want to have a relationship with someone who worked in a normal retail job (ie not an area amanger type level) for several reasons.

It's low paid and I prefer to date people in a similar income bracket.

It usually involved weekend work or early mornings and late evenings. I like to date people who work the same hours generally as me (busy during the week and time off at the weekends).

I like inteligent, ambitious people and generally a normally level retail positions doesn't not convey that you are super successful.

Different if there are some kind of mitigating circumstances like using retail to pay the bills whilst setting up own company or something like that.

YANBU.

If one person in a relationship is ambitious and the other has no get up and go, it will never work. It's not about his place of work, it's the fact he lives at home and is not independent. You don't owe him or your friend anything.

That's a bit of a fast forward, talking about babies

I don't think so. Unless you're dating with no interest in a relationship it's perfectly normal to consider the sort of person you would like to be in a relationship with and possibly co parent with if you wish to have kids in the future.

This dude cannot and never has financially supported himself, never mind lived independently, which would be a red flag for many when talking about someone in their early thirties,, although clearly some others would just love it

You sound really unpleasant. Hopefully he'll find someone better to go on a date with. You need to get over yourself and realise there is more to life than what you earn. You sound really arrogant.

Oh, and living at home with parents is a huge no no for me. Again unless temporarily (just got back from working abroad, looking to find somewhere) or if there is essentially a separate annex or something.

Living at home with your parents as an adult indicates to me 1) you don't earn enough to live apart (see earlier post) 2) you are lazy haven't got the appropriate skills to live independently and I don't want to be your new mum and 3) you potentially have some kind of other problem like poor mental health which isn't attractive to me either.

If he lives at home, perhaps he can't afford to move out? For god's sake, stop with the judgements!

Laurie how can you read 19 pages of posts and still miss the point? Nobody is judging. OP is just saying he's not for her. No doubt you'd find a high earner an unsuitable partner on the basis what he earns will be important to him? And that would be fine, your choice

YANBU. This has nothing to do with his money, but the fact that (unless he always planned to work in a shop) he has no 'get up and go'. It's not about wanting his money but wanting HIM to contribute equally to a relationship in every way. Why should you be forced to carry him in life if he can't be arsed to get his shit together and grow up? I avoided many 'boys who never became men' like this. I have a strong career and expect my OH to have similar drive. Stick to your guns!

I'd like to add another perspective. My DP was living with his parents when we met. He was employed full time but had only been in that job for a few months after a very long period of unemployment.

It's easy to judge that right?

Well on getting to know him I discovered that he was back with his folks because he'd had a severe long term health condition (now resolved) and therefore thought recovery would be better if he didn't have the stresses of working full time and running a home solo.

He's an amazing partner , he doesn't see anything as 'wife work' , we're a team. He's a great step father and such a grafter! It's hard to get him to take a day off of work even if he's on his knees with a chest infection.

Though I agree that the op owes nothing to anybody and if she's not feeling it with this guy then that fine , I thought I'd throw all of this in as an alternative view point.

ChickenBhuna, what is your own employment situation?