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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not go to this 'pre-baby celebration'?

119 replies

LisaSimpsonsbff · 11/09/2017 12:06

My SIL is eight months pregnant with a baby that was an unplanned but very happy surprise. I am very much not pregnant, after a year trying and three miscarriages. I was sent an invitation to a 'celebration for [SIL] before the baby is born' - it looks like a lovely, thoughtful event: afternoon tea at a nice but not £££ place, instructions to bring a children's book but no other presents. SIL is a lovely person and this is not a grabby event: I just want to be clear that this is all about my own emotional state, not about greedy baby showers, etc.

I RSVPed yes about three weeks ago. It is on this Saturday, and I suddenly feel overwhelmingly like I can't do it. My mum can't go, which makes it feel more important that I do (otherwise there's no one from the baby's dad's family there), but also means I won't know anyone apart from SIL, who I don't know that well. I know that if I was going to not go I should have said that weeks ago, not now, and obviously the closer we get the worse it is to drop out. I am absolutely terrified that I will go and cry and it will be awkward and embarrassing for everyone, particularly poor SIL. I'm worried that if I don't go they'll think we don't care. What to do? Should I work on getting myself together for Saturday, or accept that I'm not strong enough and pull out now?

OP posts:
LoisWilkersonsLastNerve · 11/09/2017 12:09

I think you have two options, either fake illness on the day or tell the truth. It depends on what sil is like as a person. Would she understand?

Birdsgottafly · 11/09/2017 12:09

Pullout, it isn't worth spoiling it for her.

I say that as someone who loves a get-together, regardless of the reason.

Happydoingitjusttheonce · 11/09/2017 12:12

I'm sorry for your miscarriages Flowers

I think you should steel yourself and go, try to distinguish between your SIL's life event and your own situation, as there will be other events you'll be invited to such as birthdays, possibly baptism. Good luck

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 11/09/2017 12:14

YANBU. Of course you wouldn't want to go. (((((((((((((())))))))))))).
I don't understand all these pre celebrations. Does she think she's the only pregnant women in the world.

WorraLiberty · 11/09/2017 12:14

Aww I'm sorry to hear this OP Thanks

I would pull out with a fake illness tbh.

I never normally suggest these things, but on this occasion I think telling the truth might spoil things for your SIL.

blue2014 · 11/09/2017 12:14

Honestly, I'm torn. I (partly) know the pain you're in (I had no losses but it took 4 years and eventually IVF to conceive DS)

So I know I wouldn't have wanted to go, but then I partly knew I had to pick my battles. Soon after the baby shower there will be actual baby celebrations or visits expected. I always slapped on a brave face and did the minimum I could do without torturing myself.

So I would probably say go, try to find the least baby interested person there (it's nicer to sit next to someone who doesn't want to talk babies), take tissues and touch up make up so you can dash to the loo for a cry when needed and have a get out plan in case it all gets too much. Don't focus too much on the conversion , sing silly songs to yourself in your head while they talk about the baby.

I'm so sorry for your losses and wish you al the best Flowers

user1493413286 · 11/09/2017 12:17

I would pull out for your own sake; it's not worth your own emotional health. does your SIL know about your miscarriages? If she does then she won't mind and if she doesn't then maybe fake illness to avoid causing any issues.

catmumof1 · 11/09/2017 12:18

Go with a get out early excuse eg. I have to pick DP up at XX time and if its too much you can leave early or if it goes ok you can fake a text/call cancelling the pick-up and stay.
I use this to make a short appearance at events with far less justification than you.

Flowers for you and I agree with pp, enjoy the new family addition and try to separate it from your circumstances

MrsJayy · 11/09/2017 12:19

I think i would fake an illness if you can't face it buy the book apologise but with this bug you don't want to risk passing it on btw this isn't about you being weak in any way

Elendon · 11/09/2017 12:20

Please go. It will be a lovely celebration - and she sounds lovely, as do you. I say this as someone who has suffered miscarriages and who went on to have three children of my own. They will absolutely understand. It will be painful, of that there is no doubt, but joyous too?

I love all my nephews and nieces. (And I have many! - most were born before my own children came on the scene).

KityGlitr · 11/09/2017 12:22

I think your options are to either go and try to remind yourself you're celebrating someone else's happy news, or tell her the truth about why you're not attending. If I were her I'd absolutely understand and support a friend who didn't want to come when I knew the reason.

Friends of mine who have struggled with infertility have found it easier to handle seeing friends and family having babies by reminding themselves that the other person having a baby doesn't make it more or less likely they'll have one too, there aren't a finite number of babies to go around. Helped them to separate their own sense of loss at struggling to conceive from someone else's new baby and to be happy for them. It's tempting to look at the person and think 'why not me?' And very natural. Reframing it as 'I'm happy for them, and it doesn't change whether or not it'll happen for me' can really help!

But yeah, if you don't go at least be honest and let her know why. If she's a decent person she'll understand.

Magicmonster · 11/09/2017 12:24

I would fake an illness, apologise and offer to pay my share (if cost already incurred). It's really not worth putting yourself through it.

KityGlitr · 11/09/2017 12:25

I also think it's really important for family relations to make sure someone is there from baby's dad's family or you're right, it'll look like that side just don't care.

Would it help to remind yourself this isn't a random friend having a baby, this is family? Not a random baby but YOUR niece or nephew. That baby will be part of your life and family. Even though it's not your child it still will have a link to you and you can have a really meaningful relationship. Dropping out after your RSVP (when it sounds like she's gone to a lot of effort and expense) could damage relations and make it harder for you to have a good relationship with baby.

Elendon · 11/09/2017 12:25

And what would you have thought if you were left out of the celebrations?

I wouldn't have done pre celebrations myself - no way. However, her including you should mean a lot.

Actually, I'm sure she would totally understand if you didn't want to attend.

Mamamagellanic · 11/09/2017 12:26

I'm in the same position only 4 years ttc (accepting that it's over) I've declined an invitation, explaining why and had a frosty response. Not from the expectant mother, I may add.

I don't regret it. I couldn't do it right now.

Chivey · 11/09/2017 12:27

I have also had 3 losses, and there is no way in hell I could go to that. I would WANT to, I would give myself a good talking to but in the end I would not be able to do it. Can you explain to your SIL? I think most people would understand why this would be so difficult. If not, a fake illness , lot of apologies and a present afterwards.
If it helps, I have found dealing with actual babies a lot easier than dealing with pregnancies, so hopefully once your niece/nephew arrives it will not be so hard to visit and get involved.

Motoko · 11/09/2017 12:27

Does your SIL know about your miscarriages? If so, I think I would send her an email, explaining that you're really happy that she's pregnant, and you really did think you would be ok going to her do, but you now realise that you're not in the right place mentally to attend and that you wouldn't want to spoil it for her with your sadness. etc, etc.

Don't go if you're not ready. You'll need to go once she's had the baby, so try building up your strength for that.

Sorry for your losses. Flowers

Blackcatonthesofa · 11/09/2017 12:27

Call off the night before faking a bad norovirus. Go see SIL a week later with a bunch of flowers.

BeepBeepMOVE · 11/09/2017 12:29

Sorry but if SIL is lovely and you get on well then I think you should go. Suck up the sadness and get on with it, it'll be 4 hours tops and you can have a cry when you get home if you need to.

Lottapianos · 11/09/2017 12:29

These 'lovely' celebrations are far from lovely if you're in pain and feeling like the whole world is pregnant and you're not. Give yourself permission to pull out if you need to. The event will go ahead without you, the world won't end if you are not there. Think about the emotional cost to you of attending. Its definitely an option to leave early if that works for you as a compromise. I have certainly had times when I could not have contemplated attending an event like this

AccrualIntentions · 11/09/2017 12:30

I wouldn't go if I didn't feel up to it, that's completely understandable. If you think she'd be understanding (and you want her to know) then explain why. If she might not or it's not something you want to share then I'd do as PP have said and feign illness, maybe a stomach bug.

mrsmayitstimetogo · 11/09/2017 12:31

Does SIL know what's been happening with you? If she does, then maybe tell her that you're feeling really fragile, and check if it's ok for you to decide on the day. She sounds lovely, and if lovely, will surely understand.

WhereDidThatTurtleComeFrom · 11/09/2017 12:33

Can your parents absolutely not go?

If not I'd claim to be very ill with something no one wants to discuss.

FizzyGreenWater · 11/09/2017 12:33

Pull out with a fake illness and send along fantastic flowers and the book.

stealthbanana · 11/09/2017 12:33

Good god, no, don't go. Just fake illness and be done with it. I can guarantee she won't think twice of it and it will give you the space you need.

No need to have a heavy truth telling conversation (unless you want to), this is what the white lie was invented for.

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