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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not go to this 'pre-baby celebration'?

119 replies

LisaSimpsonsbff · 11/09/2017 12:06

My SIL is eight months pregnant with a baby that was an unplanned but very happy surprise. I am very much not pregnant, after a year trying and three miscarriages. I was sent an invitation to a 'celebration for [SIL] before the baby is born' - it looks like a lovely, thoughtful event: afternoon tea at a nice but not £££ place, instructions to bring a children's book but no other presents. SIL is a lovely person and this is not a grabby event: I just want to be clear that this is all about my own emotional state, not about greedy baby showers, etc.

I RSVPed yes about three weeks ago. It is on this Saturday, and I suddenly feel overwhelmingly like I can't do it. My mum can't go, which makes it feel more important that I do (otherwise there's no one from the baby's dad's family there), but also means I won't know anyone apart from SIL, who I don't know that well. I know that if I was going to not go I should have said that weeks ago, not now, and obviously the closer we get the worse it is to drop out. I am absolutely terrified that I will go and cry and it will be awkward and embarrassing for everyone, particularly poor SIL. I'm worried that if I don't go they'll think we don't care. What to do? Should I work on getting myself together for Saturday, or accept that I'm not strong enough and pull out now?

OP posts:
TakeMe2Insanity · 11/09/2017 14:18

Honestly I really don't think now is the time to explain about miscarriages/infertility to your SIL. She is pregnant leave her in that happy bubble. I say this as a person who suffered miscarriages and took 10 years of infertility to have a child. I personally avoided pre birth celebrations just because I found them too hard and frankly it is awful to be there thinking about what you don't have. I agree fake an illness (d & v) something to show you care by not going. Agree with previous posters who've said send her flowers and books. If you feel stringly about it you can always take her out for afternoon tea in a few weeks time and it wont be so full on. Be kind to yourself first.

Elendon · 11/09/2017 14:58

I do hope you have spoken to your GP about your recurrent miscarriages and are being referred to a gynaecologist for an explanation as to why.

Original poster
LisaSimpsonsbff · 11/09/2017 15:23

Thanks - yes, I have seen my GP, and have had tests run both at my local hospital and at a specialist recurrent miscarriage centre. I'm still waiting for the full results, but have been told that it is likely they won't find a specific cause - most couples who suffer from recurrent miscarriage are 'unexplained'.

OP posts:
Hillarious · 11/09/2017 15:46

This is a very personal thing and the decision can only be made by you. I spent a week's holiday with friends who were expecting their first baby with a due date two weeks before my due date for my first pregnancy which had ended in a miscarriage a few months before, so was still a little raw. DH and I had decided to keep the miscarriage under wraps as we didn't want to take the shine off their pregnancy and I very quickly realised whilst on holiday that I wasn't jealous of their pregnancy because it was their baby, not mine. I didn't find the holiday too difficulty, but everyone's different and therefore no-one can really advise you, OP, on what to do.

However, my personal view? In your position I would go. It sounds like your SIL would appreciate and value your presence and I would want to do it for my brother, especially if I felt I had an unwarranted title of "golden child".

Notthisyear · 11/09/2017 16:52

OP while it's true the tests may not find a cause there are lots of things people do go on to try to help, depending on even possible causes - aspirin, vit d, high strength folic acid, steroids, heparin - not saying you should randomly take stuff but do look at the recurrent mc threads on here if you haven't already. My nhs RMC tests came back clear but I did get treatment elsewhere and finally had a successful pg.

BeepBeepMOVE · 11/09/2017 21:26

It would be incredibly sad for them to have no one from your family there to celebrate the baby. I have never been to a shower where both families weren't represented.

Dumdedumdum · 11/09/2017 21:30

That's not the OP's problem though.

AntiHop · 11/09/2017 21:48

You absolutely do not have to go.

Cantthinkofanythinggood · 11/09/2017 21:56

Don't put pressure on yourself. Call, text or meet your SIL separately before or after if you can & want to explain how u're feeling. She'll get it. Reiterate that once babies here it's different it's the pregnancy bit that's tough to deal with 💐

Bluerose27 · 11/09/2017 21:59

Don't go. Protect your mental health. There'll be plenty of others there.

But say you have a terrible bug, it's not the time to explain the real reason Flowers

Rach5l · 11/09/2017 22:04

Tell her the truth, you're extremely happy for her but feeling so emotional atm & you don't want to spoil it by crying. She will 100% understand. Send her some flowers & a jolly card & cosy up at home Flowers

Cupoteap · 11/09/2017 22:09

I'm so sorry, no one deserves this pain.

How about dropping a book off to her the night before for the baby?

CorbynsBumFlannel · 11/09/2017 22:14

Stomach bug. You've been really thoughtful in how you've handled everything so far but I think putting yourself through a baby shower would be a courtesy too far.

Original poster
LisaSimpsonsbff · 11/09/2017 22:21

Oh god, that post from beepbeep is a bit of a kick to the stomach but I think she's right. And it's not just what SIL thinks - what about her family? Are they going to think that we all just don't care about their daughter and grandchild?

I'm thinking I will go. I so, so wish it wasn't a women's only event, so I could take DH. I might make him meet me nearby afterwards.

OP posts:
CorbynsBumFlannel · 11/09/2017 22:24

If there are only 2 women on your side and you can't go it's unfortunate. I'm assuming your mum has good reason and what if you WERE ill? It would pretty shitty of sils family to hold it against you. A lovely book and a bunch of flowers would show you cared without unnecessarily distressing yourself.

PurpleDaisies · 11/09/2017 22:31

*It would be incredibly sad for them to have no one from your family there to celebrate the baby. I have never been to a shower where both families weren't represented.
Would it really? I don't think anyone really counts who is there from which side of the family and if you say you're ill or explain the real situation I can't see why she'd be particularly gutted you weren't there.

I definitely wouldn't and I'd send a lovely present instead.

Rach5l · 11/09/2017 22:33

Seriously beep beep? How thoughtful of you Hmm
Op it's not your job to represent your side of the family. Do you not feel you can be truthful with her?

Smithy1234 · 11/09/2017 22:36

Didn't read all the comments, so I apologise if other people discussed it, but will she really question 'an illness'? If you call her on Friday evening and say that you have a flu and don't want to risk giving it to her? I wouldn't question it if I were her and I would understand. Tell her that you and your mum will get together with her soon or smth like this?
I am sure she will understand if you tell her the truth as well (I would if I were her), but it seems to me that it would be easier on you not to explain it.

CoffeeAndCupcakes85 · 11/09/2017 22:43

Please don't go. It will be unbearable for you and you don't deserve that.

Unless your SIL is a total brat (and she doesn't sound like one from what you have said) she will be fine with you not attending, for whatever reason you give her. Just send her a nice message/card now, saying how you hope she is doing well and that she's excited about meeting her baby, but unfortunately you can't make the baby shower anymore. I am sure she will be fine.

I really hope things work out for you soon x

stealthbanana · 11/09/2017 22:54

Has any woman in the history of the universe particularly cared if someone is there to "represent" their inlaws at a personal celebration for them? The answer is no. Am sure your SIL will miss you if you get on well but why would she do anything other than take at face value you pleading illness? Especially if she is a paranoid pregnant lady

Just don't go. It's a baby shower fgs! If you really were sick you wouldn't think twice about it

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 11/09/2017 22:58

Stealth I'm assuming
A.... You're very insensitive
B....You've not RTT.
I hope its the latter

Algebraic · 11/09/2017 23:02

Totally reasonable not to go. Too late to pull out though so I'd fake illness on the day and say you'd hate to give her anything given she's 8 months pregnant.

sycamore54321 · 12/09/2017 00:08

Sorry to comment again but I think BeepBeep's post was awful. Terribly sad? Why? When it's an event that the baby's own father isn't invited to? SIL would likely be more comfortable with a gathering of her own close family and friends, than trying to include one in-law who doesn't know a single other person there.

It's not a family event so the OP shouldn't be under pressure to be the "family representative".

Thinking aloud OP, if your mother knew how you felt, could she change her plans and go to relieve you of the representation burden? Or is that a non-runner?

stealthbanana · 12/09/2017 01:45

awww I have indeed rtft and am not insensitive - if you had rtft you would see up thread that I had posted that the OP should look after her own emotional health over fulfilling a madeup family obligation.

Here I was just responding to the poster who said it was "sad" that noone from the IL side would be attending. Which is errant rubbish and not at all helpful to the OP.

UnicornsandRainbows1 · 12/09/2017 02:47

It's really up to what you feel up to, but my instinct is saying to give this a miss. If I was in the SIL's position, I'd honestly rather end up having no-one representing that side of the family, if I knew why. Id hate to think that I'd put you in a situation that emotionally hurt you.

It's a gathering, we'd be family, they'll be other moments that can be shared later on you know?

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