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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not go to this 'pre-baby celebration'?

119 replies

LisaSimpsonsbff · 11/09/2017 12:06

My SIL is eight months pregnant with a baby that was an unplanned but very happy surprise. I am very much not pregnant, after a year trying and three miscarriages. I was sent an invitation to a 'celebration for [SIL] before the baby is born' - it looks like a lovely, thoughtful event: afternoon tea at a nice but not £££ place, instructions to bring a children's book but no other presents. SIL is a lovely person and this is not a grabby event: I just want to be clear that this is all about my own emotional state, not about greedy baby showers, etc.

I RSVPed yes about three weeks ago. It is on this Saturday, and I suddenly feel overwhelmingly like I can't do it. My mum can't go, which makes it feel more important that I do (otherwise there's no one from the baby's dad's family there), but also means I won't know anyone apart from SIL, who I don't know that well. I know that if I was going to not go I should have said that weeks ago, not now, and obviously the closer we get the worse it is to drop out. I am absolutely terrified that I will go and cry and it will be awkward and embarrassing for everyone, particularly poor SIL. I'm worried that if I don't go they'll think we don't care. What to do? Should I work on getting myself together for Saturday, or accept that I'm not strong enough and pull out now?

OP posts:
WhereDidThatTurtleComeFrom · 11/09/2017 12:34

Or maybe text her to say you're feeling a bit iffy so you may not be able to stay long. Show your face then quietly make your excuses.

WhereDidThatTurtleComeFrom · 11/09/2017 12:35

Or have a word with your brother and get him to explain?

GinnyBaker · 11/09/2017 12:37

Does you sil know about your miscarriges?

iggii · 11/09/2017 12:40

I would have been in bits. I wouldn't go. If I were the sil I would feel so awkward enjoying my baby shower with someone there who desperately wanted one.

Original poster
LisaSimpsonsbff · 11/09/2017 12:44

Thanks for all the replies. I don't know what, if anything, she knows about the miscarriages. My brother definitely knows I've had one because my mum told him not to tell me about SIL's pregnancy right away because I'd a miscarriage - which was obviously really well meant, but has always made me feel guilty about taking the shine off their news. For that reason I wouldn't let her tell him about my last one in May because my scan confirming missed miscarriage was the day before their 20 week scan and I didn't want him to feel like again he couldn't celebrate. I assumed at the time that he'd told SIL, but it occurs to me now that people often don't want to bring up miscarriage with women in early pregnancy, so it is actually quite possible she has no idea.

OP posts:
Original poster
LisaSimpsonsbff · 11/09/2017 12:45

my mum told him not to tell me about SIL's pregnancy right away because I'd a miscarriage

Sorry, that should say:

my mum told him not to tell me about SIL's pregnancy right away because I'd had a miscarriage a few days earlier - obviously mum wasn't suggesting that he not tell me because I'd ever had a miscarriage!

OP posts:
Gemini69 · 11/09/2017 12:47

make your apologies and don't go... stop pleasing other people.. out your feelings and emotions first for one day Flowers

Lottapianos · 11/09/2017 12:48

OP, don't feel that you have to share your painful private details if you don't want to. Take care of yourself, you're dealing with a lot x

GinnyBaker · 11/09/2017 12:48

Could you ask your brother to quietly make your apologies, explaining that it is just a bit too raw at the moment. Any decent person would understand this.

babybarrister · 11/09/2017 12:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Corcory · 11/09/2017 12:50

I certainly wouldn't pull a fake illness your SIL sounds so nice and it really would be a shame to sore your relationship with that.. If you really feel it's too much for you why don't you phone SIL and explain that the nearer the date is the more difficult you are finding it to come. I would then make sure I go round with a nice book before the event and something meaningful written in a card or on the book.

Tryingtoconceive2years · 11/09/2017 12:50

I get it, my sister became pregnant just after I had my first miscarriage at 12 weeks. I ended up planning her babyshower including games which was heartbreaking.

This is one of those situations were you have to think about you, does she know about your loses?

Mummyoflittledragon · 11/09/2017 12:50

If your sil is so lovely, she will understand. Go out today, get a nice card and children's book and write something in the card of "We wish you every happiness and joy for the imminent birth of your baby. I fear my being there with my pain from losing my babies will be too much for all of us all to bear. Much as I would love to be there with you to celebrate, I've decided I cannot be there with you. I very much look forward to meeting the new arrival. All my love Lisa." Then post the card and gift.

Elendon · 11/09/2017 12:52

On your latest update I wouldn't go. You are still feeling raw and bereavement.

Make your apologies, send flowers and a book as a previous poster suggested.

Good luck and lots of Flowers to you.

Original poster
LisaSimpsonsbff · 11/09/2017 12:53

To clarify: I don't know what my brother knows either, as I have no idea what my parents have said - I can easily imagine them telling him so he'd be sensitive around me, but I can also imagine them thinking they shouldn't say (they know about all three and have been fantastic support). He might think I had one miscarriage in February, and so think it's a bit much I can't get it together. I sort of think it's a bit much that I can't get it together!

As is probably obvious, I'm generally worried that this baby has been less celebrated in my family than it would have been if it weren't for my troubles. My brother has, I think, always felt a bit like I was golden child and I hate the thought of him feeling like I'm taking centre stage over something so big for him. Obviously ruining the baby shower would definitely do that, but I feel so would pulling out now. I so wish I'd made up a good reason three weeks ago!

OP posts:
diddl · 11/09/2017 12:54

Tbh I don't think that I would ever have entertained the thought of going.

Can't be doing with all this "celebrate this/celebrate that & bring a pressie.

Don't go if you don't feel up to it, Op & def don't feel that you have to tell her about your miscarriages.

LivLemler · 11/09/2017 12:55

You sound like a lovely sister to have been so concerned about your brother's needs when you were going through such a shit time yourself.

I agree with others, your best options are to make up a horrid stomach bug on the day (any baby shower type thing will mean parents of young kids, they won't want you anywhere near them) and send something over (could you mum or DP bring flowers?). Or just explain that you're feeling a bit fragile about the whole baby thing, and that much as you're delighted for your brother and SIL, you just don't have it in you to go to the party.

If you manage to go and slap on a smile, you may well feel better after for going, but if you really can't do that it's perfectly understandable. Flowers

sparklewater · 11/09/2017 12:55

If you can't bear going, tell her why.

I was really upset when a close friend blanked me after my first baby was born. I just thought she didn't care. Three years later it turned out she was having ivf and suddenly it all made sense. Any bad feeling just melted away.

Give her the opportunity of making you feel comfortable x

MrEBear · 11/09/2017 12:56

My BIL and wife had minimal contact with us though out my first pregnancy and the first 3 years of LOs life. We honestly felt they just didn't give a hoot. We now know they were having problems and couldn't face our LO.

LO was about 3, DH was doing a favour for them and LO asked "who's that guy?". I wanted the ground to swallow me up. Auntie & Uncle realised they needed to make an effort to get to know LO.

Bottom line I think you should go and celebrate a special little person coming into your life. Being an Auntie is wonderful. Not the same as becoming a mum but special in a different way.

Joinourclub · 11/09/2017 12:56

Don't put yourself through it. If you don't really know anyone there then it's unlikely that your absence will really be noticed anyway!

Tell her that you really want to celebrate, but you've had a tough year with the miscarriages, and without your mum there to hold your hand it might all be too much. Your side of the family can get together another time soon.

Elendon · 11/09/2017 12:57

She will understand! Trust me on this.

Time to shake off the golden child weight. Don't suffer small consequences.

You will probably want to see the baby when it arrives though! That's perfectly normal.

TrailingWife · 11/09/2017 12:57

My vote is call her ahead of time and tell her the truth. Tell her how happy you are for, and that your whole family is happy about the baby BUT you aren't coming because you are very emotional right now because of your miscarriages.

I had a friend do this when I had my first child. She had stayed away and stayed away, and I thought we weren't as close as we once had been. I eventually called her to try to patch up whatever was wrong, and she broke down and sobbed and told me all she'd been through. Her being honest really made us closer. I completely understood and only felt compassion.

GoodMorning1 · 11/09/2017 12:59

I pulled out of my SIL's baby shower on the day (having RSVP'd 'yes') for similar reasons. I'd only had the one miscarriage, but our babies should have been due the same week. She completely understood.

I totally enjoyed meeting my nephew for the first time. It was pregnant women that undid me after my miscarriage. Newborns I still really enjoyed!

Danceswithwarthogs · 11/09/2017 13:01

Sorry for your losses and ongoing pain Flowers, it is ABSOLUTELY OK if this feels too raw for you and you feel you can't go... especially without the support of another close friend or relative. Whether you tell the truth or make up an excuse depends on your relationship with SIL and whether you feel she'd understand without anyone feeling awkward (does she know where you're at with ttc/mcs ? )

I'm sure when baby arrives and you and dh can have a quieter visit as new uncle and aunt, it will be easier to psyche yourself up. I always found once babies were born and named, it was easier not to feel "it should be me" plus avoiding all the small talk with SIL's other baby shower guests about trying for babies, birth stories etc.

Moanyoldcow · 11/09/2017 13:03

When I was pregnant with DS a friend threw me a baby shower. I had a few friends who had issues conceiving and had had miscarriages. I invited them separately and told them there was no problem if they weren't up to it, and that they could change their minds on the day if they wanted - no pressure.

Tell you SIL - she sounds lovely and I'm sure she'll understand. Once the pressure is off you can make a decision without feeling a weight of expectation.

I hope things become more positive for you soon.

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