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Original poster

To not go to this 'pre-baby celebration'?

119 replies

LisaSimpsonsbff · 11/09/2017 12:06

My SIL is eight months pregnant with a baby that was an unplanned but very happy surprise. I am very much not pregnant, after a year trying and three miscarriages. I was sent an invitation to a 'celebration for [SIL] before the baby is born' - it looks like a lovely, thoughtful event: afternoon tea at a nice but not £££ place, instructions to bring a children's book but no other presents. SIL is a lovely person and this is not a grabby event: I just want to be clear that this is all about my own emotional state, not about greedy baby showers, etc.

I RSVPed yes about three weeks ago. It is on this Saturday, and I suddenly feel overwhelmingly like I can't do it. My mum can't go, which makes it feel more important that I do (otherwise there's no one from the baby's dad's family there), but also means I won't know anyone apart from SIL, who I don't know that well. I know that if I was going to not go I should have said that weeks ago, not now, and obviously the closer we get the worse it is to drop out. I am absolutely terrified that I will go and cry and it will be awkward and embarrassing for everyone, particularly poor SIL. I'm worried that if I don't go they'll think we don't care. What to do? Should I work on getting myself together for Saturday, or accept that I'm not strong enough and pull out now?

OP posts:
greendale17 · 11/09/2017 13:07

I too think you should go.

dinodiva · 11/09/2017 13:08

It's a horrible situation. My wonderful SIL who I adore had two miscarriages when I was pregnant with DD. I will never know what it cost her to put on a brave face at family gatherings and suchlike, and I am in awe with how she managed to deal with it. It must have been hell.
If she hadn't been able to see me, or engage with my pregnancy in any way I would have completely understood, but for obvious reasons it's not something we were able to talk about at the time, and it understandably made our relationship a bit awkward for a while.
Just do what's best for you at the moment, regardless of what anyone else thinks.

Birdsgottafly · 11/09/2017 13:09

"I don't understand all these pre celebrations. Does she think she's the only pregnant women in the world."

@Awwlookatmybabyspider, Do you have the same attitude towards Wedding Celebrations, or Death Ceremonies, after all everyone dies, a lot get married. Likewise most people in the Developed World reach 18 and 21, so lets get rid of those celebrations.

Pregnancy is the biggest event most Women go through, there is no reason why it shouldn't be marked, if that is what is wanted. Just as some people go to their graduation ceremony and some don't.

littlebird7 · 11/09/2017 13:10

You need to pull out. She probably only invited you so that you did not feel left out in any way, and may not be surprised that you are not there on the day. Anyone would understand how hard and difficult this all must be for you.

As FizzyGreen said, send flowers and a card and a very sweet follow up message so she understands you are not upset with her. No one could possibly expect you to be there op, she will be fine.

TrailingWife · 11/09/2017 13:15

I really disagree with the advice to be less than honest with your brother and SIL about what you've been through. However you handle this celebration and the birth of your child, they will pick up on something. It's far better for them to know the truth, that you are grieving your own loss, rather than them to think for one minute it is about how you or your family feel about them and their new child.

May be go ahead and pick up a book for the celebration, wrap it up nicely, and drop it off ahead of time. Talk to them. Leave the gift to be opened during the shower.

Original poster
LisaSimpsonsbff · 11/09/2017 13:16

The people who think I should talk to her about the miscarriages: is that not a lot to put on her? We really don't know each other well at all - we see each other every couple of months, always in the context of a larger family meal, and she's a lovely, friendly person, but quite quiet and shy. I don't think we've ever had a really personal conversation, and I'm worried that she'd feel the need to try and comfort me. I've been a bit surprised at the very varied ways that the few close friends I've told about our situation have reacted, and tbh I have found some of their reactions quite hurtful: it's clear that people don't know what to say. She's quite a bit younger than me (she's 25) and I would guess that means she hasn't had any friends who have encountered fertility problems - I just feel like she might find it a very awkward and upsetting conversation?

OP posts:
AccrualIntentions · 11/09/2017 13:18

I really disagree with the advice to be less than honest with your brother and SIL about what you've been through.

Not everyone is comfortable with sharing things like mc and ttc and that's their prerogative, just as some people find comfort in sharing. How the OP feels is her priority. Her SIL will have a lovely day regardless.

TheVeryThing · 11/09/2017 13:24

I agree with everyone saying you should fake an illness on the day, send flowers or a present afterwards.
You really shouldn't feel under pressure to disclose your very private and painful medical details to anyone, unless you feel totally comfortable.
It doesn't sound like you are particularly close to your SIL, and while it would be nice to think that she will understand, it can't be assumed.

shakingmyhead1 · 11/09/2017 13:29

not at all Lisa
I think you should go in person and tell her you are overjoyed for her and really want to come and share her joy on the day but because you haven't been able to carry for more than a few months each time,
yes let her know its more than one,
you are worried that you may become emotional and spoil her day and you don't want to take any of her happiness away as she deserves it ( and do let her know you are happy for her and cant wait to meet DN number 3) tell her you wont know until the day if you will come but know you will think of her and wish her every happiness on the day.

nornironlady · 11/09/2017 13:31

I don't think your current circumstances need any explaining. Having suffered one miscarriage myself, I was entirely overwhelmed by the grief I experienced and if there was an event I couldn't/didn't want to attend then I didn't. Explain to your SIL, I'd be surprised if she doesn't understand. I'd still send the book and my apologies.

AnneLovesGilbert · 11/09/2017 13:31

I wonder if you could send her a brief message which would explain where you're at without leaving an opening for her to try and comfort you or making it into a thing.

"Dear SIL, I was so touched to be invited to your pre-baby celebration, I'm sure it'll be a wonderful day.
Not sure if you know, but DH and I have been TTC for a little while and have been dealing with some losses along the way, which is obviously taking a toll on us both. While I'd love to celebrate with you on Saturday and apologise for the short notice, I'm feeling quite fragile at the moment and don't want to detract from the occasion by feeling sad so I'm going to give it a miss.
I wanted to be honest with you and hope you understand that my happiness for both of you and sadness for us are totally separate. I'll pop my book for the baby over soon and look forward to meeting them when they're here!
Lots of love Lisa"

MulderitsmeX · 11/09/2017 13:32

God no dont go, you need to look after your mental health. I do think you should tell her what has happened though, then you can meet the baby when you're ready.

I had a friend in the same situ (although SIL of her DH), she stayed away and it was the best thing she could have done.

Sending you Flowers

Original poster
LisaSimpsonsbff · 11/09/2017 13:32

Something that I should have been clear about, because I have found it does change people's attitudes a lot: all three were v early (before 7 weeks). I really, really don't want to get into any kind of debate about whether that means I shouldn't be so upset, but I certainly have found that that's some people's attitude. I don't think my brother and SIL would think that, but who knows?

OP posts:
TrailingWife · 11/09/2017 13:35

I'd rather have an awkward and upsetting conversation with someone and be closer to them at the end of it than to be thought of as less than happy about their baby.

(But I'm an American. We kinda specialize in being overly honest and sometimes awkward.)

There are only so many options. Going and falling apart isn't a great option. Going and feeling like crap inside also isn't great. Going and coming across as less than thrilled about the baby, also not great.

Not going is also a problem because no one from your family is going, and your brother already feels like he is the less important child. It could come across that no body in his family cares that he is having his first child, no one can be bothered to show up and celebrate. That will create MORE distance between you and your brother & SIL.

On the other hand, while actually letting them know that you are grieving could be awkward, it could bring you closer to them. That is a real possibility. To me, that seems like the best outcome. You could even include that you don't want to burden them, that no one knows what to say. It is a risk, but it comes with the possibility of being closer to the members of your own family.

AnneLovesGilbert · 11/09/2017 13:39

But I agree with others that you don't have to explain at all, I'm equally in favour of a "sudden migraine" on the day which she'll either believe or not depending on what she knows about what you've been through and will hopefully understand and be nice either way.

As someone in a very similar position to you, I declined an invite to a similar sounding event for someone who used to be a very close friend with a simple "sorry, I can't make it, have a lovely day". Harder for you now though as I realise you'd initially accepted.

It wasn't so much the event as how she was being generally. She knew all about my losses and still managed to mention in every message how tough it was being pregnant, the woes of baby brain and kept asking what was wrong with me as I kept losing my babies.

I sent a card and a gift when her baby was born but I'm not rushing to see her and I'm gently creating a bit more space between us because she was a thoughtless wanker when she was pregnant and I was in bits, with no fucking excuse at all, and I'm not over it yet.

BuggerLumpsAnnoyed · 11/09/2017 13:41

I think you sound lovely and you need to look after yourself xx

Chivey · 11/09/2017 13:41

You don't need to tell them if you don't want to. I stopped telling people about my losses after the second one - noone understands and I was tired of the pity. Only you know how your brother and SIL would react, but if you're uncomfortable about it, and you don't see them much anyway, then you don't need to say anything.
Your SIL will have a great baby shower whether you're there or not, so you need to look after yourself jut now.

And FWIW, it makes no difference that your losses were early. One loss is bad enough but 3 becomes something more - you're not just dealing with early loss but the fear of what it means for the future and all of your hopes and dreams.

sycamore54321 · 11/09/2017 13:46

I think it is fine not to go. It's different for a more "mandatory" social event like a baptism or first birthday where the focus is on the family, including your brother, than this. I'd see this a little more like a hen night, where it is nice but not absolutely expected for the in-laws to go. You will likely have lots of future occasions where you may need to "suck up" the pain but why add additional ones?

If you'd like a credible excise, maybe say you won't go as you will leave this occasion for SIL's own friends and family, but you could have them as a couple over for dinner or whatever maybe with your mum as well. That would be easier for me than a public venue with strangers and without someone close like your brother.

Nobody struggling with miscarriage or infertility wants to feel negatively about anyone else's pregnancies. Unfortunately sometimes our emotions are so overwhelming and it's a completely understandable place to be in. You sound lovely and considerate. Best wishes whatever you decide.

thepatchworkcat · 11/09/2017 13:50

I think if it was me I'd back out and I'd tell her why rather than make something up. Otherwise she might think you're just not interested and it could affect your relationship with them. Someone further up suggested a good text/email which mentioned that you've suffered some losses and are feeling fragile. I'm sure if she's a decent person she'll understand.

diddl · 11/09/2017 13:54

I think that it's fine not to go & also fine not to tell them the real reason why.

poisoningpidgeysinthepark · 11/09/2017 13:57

I would not be able to attend this, and I'd recommend pulling out now rather than on the day. You'll be stressing about it all week otherwise. You don't have to tell her why, just tell her you're very sorry but you can't come.

caffelatte100 · 11/09/2017 14:07

what trailing wife said,

and then send her some lovely flowers and a great children's books. They can only sympathise!

Mummyoflittledragon · 11/09/2017 14:13

I has dd through ivf. I had failed attempts, which was awful, but never a miscarriage. I think one in 4 pregnancies doesn't get past 12 weeks. But that doesn't mean it isn't devastating when it happens early on. Especially three times.

Danceswithwarthogs · 11/09/2017 14:14

Please don't feel your sorrow is any less valid because miscarriages were early.... I think the first time it happens there's such an unreal shock about it... you know the numbers/statistics but you never really think it will happen to you and although you try not to get ahead of yourself, you're grieving for what you've already started to imagine will be... to go through it repetitively is frightening and emotionally exhausting, I remember being scared to go to the loo.

Really hope things work out for you very soon Flowers

FuzzyOwl · 11/09/2017 14:15

I don't think it matters what gestation a miscarriage was. When you desperately want the baby, it is a loss at any stage.

OP, I would send her a message and say you are sorry but you aren't feeling up to things emotionally this weekend and can't make it. Say you are really looking forward to meeting the new baby and being an aunt and hope everything is going well with her. Send the book you bought and leave it at that. Unless she is really horribly thoughtless, she will accept your decision with a good grace and leave it at that.