In challenging my dh when he flips out like a mentalist at the slightest thing the kids do .
Spidermama · 03/04/2007 22:02
My ds, on his way to bed, saw dh with a plate of supper he'd just made for himself (oatcakes and cheese) and ds jumped up to try to pinch a bit. I thought it was a jokey, blokey thing but dh leapt as if ds had nutted him, the supper went flying, and dh went into one, 'HOW DARE YOU. LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE. PICK IT ALL UP THIS SECOND'. Etc.
In a state of alarm I find myself leaping in to minimise damage and trauma from this sudden explosion which is all coming from dh. I tell him to calm down. Say ds didn't mean to knock stuff off the plate.
DH goes even more mental, like a 5 year old, stamps upstairs .. thinks better of it and comes back down again shouting, 'This isn't fair!'
Meanhile ds silently slinks up to bed withdrawn and pale. I say, 'I'm going to check that ds is alright.'
'You're going to check that DS is alright?!?' he rages.
Now he's upstairs watching telly. It's the only evening we've had together for a while and he's off again tomorrow. What shall I do?
Spidermama · 03/04/2007 22:09
- He didn't mean it. It was a silly thing to do and I'd have liked the opportunity to explain to him that it wasn't a great idea and now he has to tidy it up.
But within one second dh was leaping about like Basil Fawlty, all fuming and ridiculous.
I don't understand how he can explode out of nowhere like this. It's so de-stabilising for everyone else.
Cashncarry · 03/04/2007 22:15
Until I saw your last post, I was going to say that if it's not a regular occurence, you should just put DH's behaviour down to tiredness, stress etc. and just let it blow over - maybe talk about how his behaviour might have a knock-on effect on DS ..blah..blah...psychobabble
However, I have just seen that you're not broaching the subject because you think he's going to say you're taking DS's side
DS is 7 right? Hello - of course you're going to take DS's side. If, in your experience, he's not going to calm down and maybe apologise to DS in the morning then I definitely think you should have serious words. Colditz is spot on - maybe I would insert "anger management course" or some appropriate solution to show your reasonable side...
JustUsTwo · 03/04/2007 22:16
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Aloha · 03/04/2007 22:16
well, I know exactly what you mean. tonight dh bought the children Curse of the wererabbit as ds is mad about Wallis & Grommit, but ds has trouble with transitions (his age and his Aspergers) and was sad when dh went to pick him up from grandma's and then was sad when the film was over and he went to bed with no bath and story (agreed in return for watching the film) and then dh got furious that ds didn't say think you for the dvd, and poor ds is sitting in bed, crying saying, 'I forgot to say thank you and now daddy is so cross'. So I haul him back etc. And it seems so unfair and unkind, but....I am also mean and cross and unfair and unkind (and yes, childish!) sometimes. I think we all have different triggers. It will all be better in the morning. Maybe if you are away from home for a while you get out of the rhythm of it?
JustUsTwo · 03/04/2007 22:17
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Message withdrawn at poster's request.
Cashncarry · 03/04/2007 22:17
Have just seen that you've said he does it quite a lot - slow typer sorry
This must be awful for you to be in the middle all the time. Do you think you can broach the subject in a reasonable way? If not, you might just have to start issuing ultimatums. How do you feel about being piggy in the middle long-term?
colditz · 03/04/2007 22:17
Does he honestly think you are ever going to ignore his appalling behavior so as not to take their side? he needs a taste of real life, IMO. You aren't his mum, he isn't their older brother, he's their dad and needs to start behaving like it.
I'd have ripped his head off his shoulders if he had frightened my son like that.
Spidermama · 03/04/2007 22:17
I could and I have humphrey. I don't get anywhere with it. He just can't seem to help it. I think he needs help to sort out his sudden angry unleashings.
He's a fantastic dad and dh most of the time, but now and again he really lets rip out of the blue. He has always done it.
Hassled · 03/04/2007 22:19
It's bullying behaviour and sounds horrendous for you to have to live with. I recently told my 17 year old DD that she was too old to say "It's not fair" and I'm assuming your DH is way older than 17? It's unacceptable, you're right, he's wrong - simple as that. Show him this discussion.
Saturn74 · 03/04/2007 22:23
I think the unpredictible nature of this behaviour makes it so hard for everyone to handle.
Your DH may benefit from some counselling or anger management advice, so he can recognise his triggers and act accordingly.
I know that it is scary to live with someone who is lovely one minute, and explosive the next.
Will DH apologise to DS once he has calmed down?
Mamalennon · 03/04/2007 22:23
Spidermama - My dad was like that, exploding all over the place at the slightest provocation - it IS scary for children.
Was your DH 'mothered' properly as a child or is he (unconsciously) looking to you to do it and unable to share you with the children, seeing them as competition rather than a source of pleasure? I ask because I'm fairly sure this was the case with my dad and because neither he nore my mum understood this they spent years having stupid rows, often caused by something we children had done. They only started getting on once we'd left home and he had her full attention!
Do tell your DH, when things are calm, how upsetting it is when he loses his temper like that and how scary it is for the children.
colditz · 03/04/2007 22:23
Yeah but my dad was fab too. When I was 9, he told me to go tidy my room. I said, In a minute.
So he went into my room, and he tipped my bed onto it's side, and he smashed my mirror, and he broke 2 legs off my chair, and ripped my wartdrobe door off, and threw the content of my drawers all over the place.
Then he came downstarirs, and dragged my by the hair on the top of my head, and shut me in my room, and told me to "clean that up then, if you can't do as you're told^"
and my mum said nothing.
I ran away from home that day, and ended up in a phonebox in a village 8 miles away, at 10 at night. I had the sense (?) to ring Childline, who sent thwe police out.
But, he was a very good dad, no sarcasm, he really was.
But fuck me I could have done without hias temper, and I know if my mum had stepped in it would never have got that far, but she was scared he would leave her.
MrsApron · 03/04/2007 22:25
That sucks spidey. Your husband is well out of order. It is horrible for children when parents are unpredictable like that they end up walking on eggshells around them and desperately checking for approval when they should just be natural.
He should get a grip and get help. Any adult that thinks they should get attention in preference to a legitmately upset 7 year old is an arse.
But i did laugh at the basil fawlty remark .
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