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AIBU?

In challenging my dh when he flips out like a mentalist at the slightest thing the kids do .

104 replies

Spidermama · 03/04/2007 22:02

My ds, on his way to bed, saw dh with a plate of supper he'd just made for himself (oatcakes and cheese) and ds jumped up to try to pinch a bit. I thought it was a jokey, blokey thing but dh leapt as if ds had nutted him, the supper went flying, and dh went into one, 'HOW DARE YOU. LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE. PICK IT ALL UP THIS SECOND'. Etc.

In a state of alarm I find myself leaping in to minimise damage and trauma from this sudden explosion which is all coming from dh. I tell him to calm down. Say ds didn't mean to knock stuff off the plate.

DH goes even more mental, like a 5 year old, stamps upstairs .. thinks better of it and comes back down again shouting, 'This isn't fair!'

Meanhile ds silently slinks up to bed withdrawn and pale. I say, 'I'm going to check that ds is alright.'

'You're going to check that DS is alright?!?' he rages.

Now he's upstairs watching telly. It's the only evening we've had together for a while and he's off again tomorrow. What shall I do?

OP posts:

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crispyduck · 03/04/2007 22:26

colditz-how awful
my mother was like that...always lashing out in temper..

Cashncarry · 03/04/2007 22:26

Colditz and at the same time

I do think (and I fear I might be told off for this!) that Spidermama's DH's behaviour is not quite on a par with that - that's not to say that it couldn't be if allowed to carry on...

colditz · 03/04/2007 22:27

But, it was only temper.

It wasn't spite, he's never been spiteful.

he lost his temper, that's all.

I never knew when he was going to. I never saw it coming. sometimes I could be downright rude, and get away with it - sometimes, all I had to do was look funny and he was flinging the furniture about.

colditz · 03/04/2007 22:27

No, it wasn't that bad.

But that is what a temper and a "What about what I want?!!" attitude can get you.

dionnelorraine · 03/04/2007 22:28

My dad used to be like this with me when I was a child. Scared the shit out of me! Kids shouldnt be treated like that and neither should you. He sounds like a bully. Put a stop to it. Children need disciplin, yes, but not like that with uncontrolable anger. Very unreasonalble and teaching your child the wrong way to deal with things. This will rub off on him. Please find a way to stop your dh so he can find another way of dealing with things.

colditz · 03/04/2007 22:29

It will rub off on him, it sure as hell rubbed off on me

Soapbox · 03/04/2007 22:29

Colditz - that sounds awful

Childline gets some money from me every month - it is such a worthwhile charity!

Spider - he needs to learn to control it - and I think he will find it hard to learn that by himself. I think you also need to make him aware of the consequences of him behaviour and not learning to manage it - only you can decide though what this will be. I would find it very hard not to protect my children from this behaviour - and I think that would mean separation until he could prove that he was trustworthy around them

dionnelorraine · 03/04/2007 22:30

Has he ever been violent towards the family? Im sorry, I dont mean to sound judjmental, Just wanting to understand the situation more.

edam · 03/04/2007 22:30

Spidy, agree with everyone else. This is a serious problem. It ain't right and it does need addressing.

Cashncarry · 03/04/2007 22:31

I'm surprised you can make the distinction between temper and spite given your experiences Colditz. I don't think I would be that forgiving in your shoes.

Maybe that's how you could frame the problem to him Spidermama - his future rship with DS. He could find they are like Colditz and able to rationalise his behaviour as an adult or equally he could find that DS runs away from him as fast as he can once he reaches adulthood.

colditz · 03/04/2007 22:33

I am forgiving yes - but I don't respect him as an adult. I like him, I love him, but what's to respect about a 40 year old man who stamps his feet and throws things because of somwething a child did? It's pretty pathetic, no?

Spidermama · 03/04/2007 22:35

OK just had a quick chat with him.
He says he's not going to change. I'm making a big deal over nothing. I'm trying to erradicate who he is.

Mammalennon he had a difficult relationship with his mum. It was a violent household (she was violent to him and his brothers) so I guess to him this situation seems fairly controlled in comparison. I'd love him to get help but he thinks his behaviour is normal.

I'm always shocked by the sudden explosions though and have a sudden, urgent need to protect my kids.

He's stomping around now. It'll take him ages to calm down. Soemtimes he'll admit his behaviour was over the top and apologise but then it happens again.

OP posts:

Cashncarry · 03/04/2007 22:36

Absolutely pathetic and not worthy of your respect IMO. Hope Spidermama's ok - maybe she's having words?

Hassled · 03/04/2007 22:37

Apart from his future relationship with DS, what sort of a father is DS himself going to be? Parents learn so much of their parenting from their own parents' example (too much use of the word parent there, but YKWIM!) - he needs to think about the long-term impact of his behaviour.

sunnysideup · 03/04/2007 22:37

Well, a man who can say "you're going to check that DS is alright?" when HE has exploded in rage quite unecessarily, and when the provocation was simply not there, is really not thinking as a parent at all. As someone said he is definitely in competition in some way with the children. why would you NOT go and check a child who has just had a very frightening experience?

Sorry, I am no help I know but I think he's got a huge adjustment to make there. I do think it's worth telling him just how frightening the explosions are - children remember them. Does he want his kids to remember him like that?

He simply has to walk away and bite his tongue. He mustn't allow himself the luxury of these explosions.

Perhaps it's about assertiveness. He needs to tell people what is annoying him FIRST before the final straw that triggers the outburst.

Cashncarry · 03/04/2007 22:38

Oh there you are

Maybe now's not the right time to chat with him about it as he's still in a strop and incapable of being sensible.

Could you maybe get some time together on neutral ground so that you can broach the subject again in a setting where the whole incident isn't too raw?

colditz · 03/04/2007 22:38

he's a selfish violently tempered little shit then.

Cashncarry · 03/04/2007 22:39

God - I am soooooo sloooooooooooow

I seem to be about three posts behind every time I post

MrsApron · 03/04/2007 22:39

spidey ask him what he thinks ds should have done? Do they do a fair bit of horseplay and ds just did it at the wrong time?

Does he think you should have sided with him and not with ds? He may be feeling undermined by your placatory bustle.

Mamalennon · 03/04/2007 22:41

I'm so sorry for you Spidermama and you DO need to protect your children, whilst also dealing with your DH in an adult way. My mum tiptoed round my dad trying to placate him and he became more and more tyrannical, drinking heavily etc
He also paid a huge price in terms of his health - being that wound up that often is not good for anyone.

Good luck and hugs to you xx

dionnelorraine · 03/04/2007 22:41

My dh has just read this. He says no man has a right to treat his children or wife like that, and if he was you he would leave.
It really is not fair. i feel so sorry for your children and you. He should respect you and the child that he brought into this world!

Spidermama · 03/04/2007 22:42

I have got this pinned on our noticeboard at the moment. It's a not so subtle hint I found whilst browsing in a picture shop. It's not lost on him, and he's able to acknowlege, but then he does nothing about it and it happens again.

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sunnysideup · 03/04/2007 22:42

Maybe you need to leave him longer to calm down. But it's horrible that his response is 'I'm not going to change'....at least you could have some respect for him if he was sorry afterwards and knew he'd been crap.

Aloha · 03/04/2007 22:42

I think right now he's not able to look at his behaviour - it's too close. I would suggest letting it go now and seeing how he is in the morning or later. His upbringing will make a difference. Is he under a lot of stress at the moment?

PeachesMcLean · 03/04/2007 22:43

Oh dear, it's understandable that you teach your children how to act but rather tedious when you have to teach your husband as well. I occasionally have the same. Very annoying and not fair to the child. I had DH loose his temper at DS over the dinner table, shouting "use your fork", twice, AND DH had a mouthful of food and looked like marlon Brando in the Godfather. Not impressive and had DS in tears. Poor child.

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