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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think you don't sleep with your phone off if your children are elsewhere

559 replies

eslindanunez · 10/09/2017 07:51

Have been up all night with a vomiting toddler. I live on my own with her and her dad sees her once a week on a Sunday. She started throwing up about midnight last night and carried on doing so for a few hours. We cosleep so the bed was covered in sick, so was I, so was much of the bedroom and the living room and she needed a few changes of pyjamas so that in itself was quite difficult to deal with it as she wouldn't let me put her down. I tried calling and WhatsApping her dad to ask him to come over so that he could at least hold her while I changed the bed and had a shower and just for moral support ( was quite worried as she's never been sick before) but his phone has clearly been turned off as the messages haven't even been registered as read. That's still the case now at nearly 8 AM. Am I being unreasonable to think that if you're somewhere other than where your children are (he also has two other children from a previous relationship) that you don't just turn your phone off and go to sleep? Because things happen and obviously this wasn't even that bad but it could've been a lot worse! I can't imagine being away from DD and not having a means to be contacted should something happen.

OP posts:
insancerre · 10/09/2017 08:49

Is er1485166754

Who turns their phone off at night anyway regardless of having children?!

My phone is on silent most of the time, that's when I remember to charge it
I never take it out of my bag and certainly wouldn't take it to bed
I do have a landline though

Mummyoflittledragon · 10/09/2017 08:50

Thing is he only has her for a couple of hours a week. No overnights. He's definitely definitely the NRP. He likes it that way so why would he entertain losing HIS time looking after his sick child or interrupting HIS night out/beauty sleep? I think you have to keep your expectations low for this lazy man.

Oldie2017 · 10/09/2017 08:52

Indeed. I keep my mobile on silent and keep it downstairs. In fact I have no electronics other than a clock only with the time in my bed time (and the landline) no tv no lap top nothing. Lovely long nights of loads of sleep.

My father had to have a telephone landline extension upstairs by his bed (as he was a doctor who was often on call) but that was rare. Most people just had one landline if they could afford a phone at all downstairs and if a relative died the police knocked on the door at night.

C0untDucku1a · 10/09/2017 08:54

He has his child a couple of hours a week. It should be quite clear he is a deadbeat dad. Sadly you cannot have any expectations of his being a decent parent.

why does he not have the child overnight?

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 10/09/2017 08:55

Of course it's unreasonable to call an ex in the night to help with sick.

However, I disagree that it's fine to be uncontactable in the event of an emergency.

If you're away, leave a number you can be contacted on, if you have to put your phone on silent at night, get a landline or a cheap mobile to be used as an "emergency" phone. It's not difficult and would save a lot of time and worry if something serious happened to your child.

abbsisspartacus · 10/09/2017 08:55

I did this with my ex rang him up because he had given her no end of shite and it made her ill he came over long enough for me to tear strips off him and tell him if he ever gave her xyz again I would be pushing the puke through his letter box then told him to fuck off 🤔I didn't deal well being woken up by puke 16 + years later I've got more practice in 😁

Expemsiveuniform · 10/09/2017 08:56

I can't afford a landline to be used as an emergency.

Why would I want or need another mobile ? What would that achieve?

NoMoreAngstPls · 10/09/2017 08:56

I turn my phone off at night! But if I am away from the DCs I normally give whoever is with them (DH!) A landline number. OP i think you need to ask your ex for emergency contact details.

And 're the sickness, top tip is a bucket (with a lid) permanently in the bathroom and old towels in an easy to get to place.

SandyDenny · 10/09/2017 08:57

Userwhatever - who doesn't have there phone on silent at night? Are you taking ”off” too literally?

Off/silent/do not disturb, the effect's the same. Do you have your notifications pinging all night?

Notanightbird · 10/09/2017 08:58

We would never both get up to deal with one vomiting child. Sick bugs are awful but honestly if you have more children or as your children get older you get used to it. Over the years ours have had them several times- we have had 2 or 3 young children vomiting in one night and sometimes several nights in a row of children/parents throwing up. If it was one child only one parent would deal with it. I think if I was your ex partner in this situation I'd think you were pretty to call in the middle of the night to tell me a toddler was throwing up!! But it depends on how self sufficient you are I guess and as the other parent he certainly should support you, but middle of the night calls should be emergencies not minor illnesses.

MrsOverTheRoad · 10/09/2017 08:58

What if he had another partner? And more children? Would you expect him to get out of bed and come then?

I'm interested because it's an issue I'd not really thought of!

Expemsiveuniform · 10/09/2017 08:59

Imagine. New partner. 1week old baby and th ex calls demanding you come over right now because a 4 year old has up chucked.

How popular would you not be.

Oldie2017 · 10/09/2017 09:00

I think it's about trust. I worked full time when I had babies. I trusted and knew their father or whoever had them was just as good as I was, probably better at their care. So allowing someone else to deal with it was absolutely fine. Also having 5 children and both working full time does mean thigns are a bit different from just having one as you are constantly dividing things up usually to the benefit of the children who end up with a more sharing kind of life with a wider range of people in hit. In other words the constant contact thing might be damaging to the child.

Mummyoflittledragon · 10/09/2017 09:01

Dd has reflex anoxic seizures. It's where her heart stops beating then automatically restarts. So basically she "dies" for a minute in terms of her appearance and function. She had one of these last sick bug. Dd was at home and dh was at work. It's getting better. You deal with it.

Goshthatwentwell · 10/09/2017 09:02

YABU. Another single parent here ( absent father). It wouldn't occur to me to be contact anyone about my child unless it was an emergency.

I can totally see that it might be useful to have support but I wouldn't hold it against him that he wasn't immediately contactable. If it's an emergency you'd leave a message.

Expemsiveuniform · 10/09/2017 09:05

Out of interest. How many times did you call/text/Whatsapp?

Hoppinggreen · 10/09/2017 09:06

Both parents should be contactable ( within a reasonable time) in case of an emergency
However, this wasn't one

user327854831 · 10/09/2017 09:06

It would never occur to me to call my children's father in the middle of the night except in a life threatening emergency in which case it'd be a call to say we were on the way to the hospital. Even then I think I'd get to the hospital first, deal with the immediate crisis and it'd then occur to me to phone him later once things had calmed down. I certainly wouldn't call him to help at home; he's not welcome in our home.

Zvandelle · 10/09/2017 09:07

Ive been a lone parent since pregnancy. I've had to do toddler vomming (projectile) and ( sorry for this) shitting so hard that it came out of the back of her nappy in a fountain for about four hours ( with breaks!) whilst vomiting and shitting myself. Shitting mysel....I didn't mean in that way - oh no, I did mean in that way!! It was really really horrid. Nasty stomach bug. Four changes of bedding and all the towels in the house used. Carnage! It's scary, tiring , messy and awful. Then the next day you have to crawl out of bed, hang out all your washing, disinfect your house to prevent another round. We got through it! Don't look at the bigger picture, just the next task and then a rest!! Hopefully daughter's dad will look after her whilst you get some rest? Phone should not be off in case of real medical emergency, of which a stomach bug is not. Scary the first time it happened though, but you did it! Is it more that you feel a bit resentful about having to do all the hard graft every day OP? I think I would.

Tinkerbec · 10/09/2017 09:11

I agree it is the principle that he could not be contacted and that i would also leave my phone on if my daughter was away. I guess some people are like that though and don't worry as much. My dd's Dad is one of those people.

I do however think you were a bit unreasonable for ringing him over sick. Sometimes I just put towels down and get through the night. It isn't pleasant though.

Has he replied yet op?

strawberrisc · 10/09/2017 09:16

I have my phone on all the time when I'm not with my daughter. She's 13.

Garlicansapphire · 10/09/2017 09:16

Divorced parent here. Expect to cope looking after puking child and taking child to hospital with broken arm. Never occurred to me to expect anyone else to help. You have to put the child down whilst you change the sheets - you have no choice.

I guess you are quite a new Mum? You'll get used to it. Even before divorce my XH was away a lot so I coped with everything on my own. Its not pleasant at all but its just taking responsibility. If the tables here turned I wouldn't expect my X to call me unless in an emergency - and thats never happened.

WomblingThree · 10/09/2017 09:16

Expemsiveuniform you seem to be going from thread to thread being deliberately goady and unpleasant to everyone. Why?

The OP is getting a seriously hard time here. What happened to being supportive? Some of you are being downright mean. Why on earth is it wrong to want her child's father to pitch in and help occasionally? I understand that it's unrealistic, but I can also understand that in the middle of the night it's downright depressing to realise you don't have anyone you can call on to help.

BabsGanoush · 10/09/2017 09:18

If he had her overnight and she was ill I would want to be contacted and I would want to go and help and be there for her.

If she's ill in his time you need to let him deal with it, not rush and take over.

Do you have any other family or friends to help in such a situation?

Anyway, as other have said, keep a 'Sick bucket' upstairs for future occasions - and the bath is your best friend here.

Expemsiveuniform · 10/09/2017 09:20

Suppose the thing was handled the way the op wants and that she has to be contactable as does her ex 24/7.

Can none of you see that that would be an absolute gift for a controlling person?

I needed to ring you because ... and expect you to drop everything at once and come round.

That isn't healthy boundaries. He's an ex. Not her support network. He clearly isn't a very involved dad and perhaps the op should seek to put more contact in place to give her a night or two a week off.