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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think you don't sleep with your phone off if your children are elsewhere

559 replies

eslindanunez · 10/09/2017 07:51

Have been up all night with a vomiting toddler. I live on my own with her and her dad sees her once a week on a Sunday. She started throwing up about midnight last night and carried on doing so for a few hours. We cosleep so the bed was covered in sick, so was I, so was much of the bedroom and the living room and she needed a few changes of pyjamas so that in itself was quite difficult to deal with it as she wouldn't let me put her down. I tried calling and WhatsApping her dad to ask him to come over so that he could at least hold her while I changed the bed and had a shower and just for moral support ( was quite worried as she's never been sick before) but his phone has clearly been turned off as the messages haven't even been registered as read. That's still the case now at nearly 8 AM. Am I being unreasonable to think that if you're somewhere other than where your children are (he also has two other children from a previous relationship) that you don't just turn your phone off and go to sleep? Because things happen and obviously this wasn't even that bad but it could've been a lot worse! I can't imagine being away from DD and not having a means to be contacted should something happen.

OP posts:
HeartStrings · 10/09/2017 08:10

I don't know why people are bashing the OP.
This is something she's never had to deal with before so she was probably a bit panicked at first and it's one of those situations where sometimes it's easier to deal with than other times (depending on how much sick, whether DC needs a bath etc). My DP and I have always teamed up in this situation and it must be horrible being on you're own having to deal with it.
I know for a fact that if DP and I split up and he lived elsewhere he'd be straight over to help.

OP I hope DC feels better, if it helps I give dioralyte (can't spell it) to mine when they're sick. A sip every 5 mins (mix with juice as it taste nasty) of the 'magic drink' and she'll hopefully start to feel better while getting fluids in at the same time.

mpsw · 10/09/2017 08:10

If something really bad happens, he misses it.

Or if it is life-and-death in hospital, they might see if they can send a bobby round with news.

Though it's the weekend. He may well not have been home and occupied in ways which mean he would not take calls.

Yes, dealing with sick DC on your own really is not much fun. Been there, got the smelly Tshirt (bedding, carpet, nearly every towel in the house etc). But you can do it - indeed you did it. Because even though it all seems grim at 2am, you can cope with all this.

Sleep deprivation magnifies everything. Are you able to get some rest today?

And how is your DD now?

GinIsIn · 10/09/2017 08:10

In situations like that you have to just accept they will cry for a minute or two whilst you clean up and go ahead and do it for the greater good.

Original poster
eslindanunez · 10/09/2017 08:10

Thanks for the replies that have been supportive. It's ok, if I had needed less harsh responses I wouldn't have posted on AIBU, I know how it goes! Smile

OP posts:
CoffeeBreakIn5 · 10/09/2017 08:11

For all of the posters saying that the ex should be at her beck and call can you explain how that works exactly? One parent is dealing with a situation, why shouldn't both parents be responsible for it?

It doesn't matter if it's a nuclear attack or just a bit of sick, if one parent needs support then they entitled to that support - both parents are equally responsible.

I wonder how this would go if you decided to thrown an impromptu birthday party for said child and didn't contact the father? I bet he'd be pretty pissed off if he missed that. It works both ways.

OP YANBU, your daughter's father should be contactable. It might even have been the case that once you'd spoken to him you'd have realised that you'd manage alone. But in the middle of the night it's nice to have support when shit happens.

I think the posters are being unnecessarily harsh about this, the OP coped but it would have been nice for her to have some support.

Sparklingbrook · 10/09/2017 08:12

I didn't think it was an ex.

EllaHen · 10/09/2017 08:12

Can't believe all the cunts on this thread.

Op - please ignore them.

Sorry you had such a crap night. Hope today easier and you get some rest.

RatRolyPoly · 10/09/2017 08:12

Oh hang on, he's your current partner not ex? 100% agree with you then OP!

CoffeeBreakIn5 · 10/09/2017 08:13

That should be shouldn't

Sparklingbrook · 10/09/2017 08:14

Was it because it was at night? Would you have rung him to come over in the daytime?

Expemsiveuniform · 10/09/2017 08:14

I don't have my ex at birthday parties. We do different parties. Or we alternate.

That's what being a single parent is. You have to get on and do it.

Should I not be allowed to go out with my mates when my kids are,with my ex just in case they need me? In case there's an emergency of some kind? That's ridiculous.

This person is her ex. There is a contact schedule in place. If he wants more contact or the op wants him to have more contact then they need to sort that out. It may be that he doesn't or she doesn't or she does want him to but he doesn't.

But either way, it's totally ridiculous to be going off the deep end phoning and texting and whatsapping for a bit of puke.

That is boy that cried wolf territory and will do the op no favours.

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 10/09/2017 08:15

I like to think that, even if DP and I split up, we could still rally together for our DD. If she was ill, he would want to be here for her. I don't think you were BU to call him for help.

I guess it depends on your relationship with him normally as to whether that's odd.

Expemsiveuniform · 10/09/2017 08:15

I took from the

Have been up all night with a vomiting toddler. I live on my own with her and her dad sees her once a week on a Sunday.

That he was an ex.

MuddlingThroughLife · 10/09/2017 08:16

If you were using what's app maybe his data was turned off? I always leave my phone on in case family need me for an emergency but I always turn my data off so it's not constantly pinging with fb notifications and emails.

Original poster
eslindanunez · 10/09/2017 08:16

Yeah she seems ok today thank you, just clingy. I called 111 and they told me what to look out for. Yes it was scary because especially with the first episode there was loads of sick and she was choking on it, and she's never really been ill before and she's my only child so I'm not experienced. It was more the logistics of getting the bed and clothing changed that I could have done with a hand with because I couldn't do it on my own without putting her down. I sincerely hope that the people bashing me have had to deal with a multi-room hours-long sick explosion on their own otherwise you're being unfair! And yes lack of sleep obviously makes everything feel worse.

OP posts:
Ninjakittysmells · 10/09/2017 08:16

I've been a single Parent since pregnancy - first off, i am sorry you have had a rubbish night. I've been there!

I would never call Ds dad in the night for something like this - he isn't 'on duty' even Though he is the dad. You need to learn to deal with these things on your own, because the more you try and involve him and he doesn't step up, the more disappointed and let down you will feel. Also, if Ds is with my mum for example, I switch my phone off so I can sleep. He isn't being utterly unreasonable in doing that.

On a practical level, I now keep a sick bowl under the bed with pedal bin liners over it (so Ivan bag the sick and have another layer on ready to go!) some wet wipes in it, a change of clothes for us both and a set of bedding. It lives there permenantly so I can grab it in emergencies. I pop Ds on rug on my floor while I change bedding, and put towels down on top of the sheets as they are quicker to change if there is puking.

Find practical solutions to manage on your own, have low expectations of everyone else and - harsh as it sounds - pull your big girl pants on! You can do this! I hope you guys manage a nap today and your DD feels better soon Flowers

SparklingBollox · 10/09/2017 08:17

Look, you're tired and stressed and everything will seem worse right now.
Yes, I suppose he should have his phone on just in case, but he knows that his child is with another parent, not just someone babysitting.
I hope your dd is better soon and you mange to get some rest.

Gorgosparta · 10/09/2017 08:17

If the child had been with the father and op said

'Ex had dd last night, she vommited and was ill. He is in a pissy mood with me because i was asleep and phone on silent and i didnt hear his calls or see his whatsapps. He expected me to come round and help clean her up and then come back home'

People would be saying he needs to get a grip and deal with it himself.

I totally get that you wanted some help. But its not unreasonable to have your ohone off or on silent at night. His dd was with her mother.

If you are worried about emergencies some phones have settings where certain numbers can come through. Or certain numbers come through if you ring 3 times. My mum knows my phone is on silent at night. If there is an emergency, she would call me 3 times and it will come through.

Also my whatsapp messages never make a noise at night.

BeyondThePage · 10/09/2017 08:18

I don't have a phone in the bedroom. Rarely use a mobile and our house phone is cordless - not having that in the bedroom (I know woooo wooooo... tin foil hat etc... my life, my choice!)

If it was his night - your only night off - are you available to change sheets at his house? In the middle of the night? Can you never have a drink? or work, or go to the doctors or a cinema or anywhere you can't answer the phone just because your child's other parent - the person who is 100% responsible for them at that moment "requires you" to be available at the drop of a hat 24/7.

Sparklingbrook · 10/09/2017 08:18

I dealt with many a sicky baby alone, I didn't wake DH because he had work the next day with an early start, and I wouldn't have phoned him to come home from work to assist.

Just to clarity OP is it an ex?

Expemsiveuniform · 10/09/2017 08:18

Yes I have had to deal with a multi hour sick explosion. Many times. I'm a single parent.

I've also had to deal with car crash and injuries, broken arm and broken leg, middle of the night hospital dash due to breathing difficulties, and so many more there was a seat in casualty with my name on it.

Hissy · 10/09/2017 08:18

When the dust has settled, take time to look at the fact that you survived and coped with your first horrific solo experience

If this happens again, you know you'll get through it.

You did well last night, you're someone your child can rely on.

If little one is well, her dad can take her so that you can catch up on washing and rest.

Gorgosparta · 10/09/2017 08:19

And yes i have dealt with that situation on my own.

It even covered the other small child. Was totally projectile Envy (not envy).

WhooooAmI24601 · 10/09/2017 08:20

I think you're not BU at all, when my DCs are elsewhere I'm always contactable regardless of drink/tiredness/battery situations (I carry one of those charging packs in my bag for exactly that).

However, your Ex may feel a little bit 'out of sight out of mind'. DS1's Dad is like that and when DS1 is unwell I have to remind him to call and check how he's doing. It's not ok; he's as much her parent as you are and you're entitled to phone him for back up at any time. I just think some parents who don't live with their DCs full time forget that it's a 24/7 job when they're ill.

I hope your DD is much better now and you manage some rest.

Copperbeech33 · 10/09/2017 08:20

I agree with expemsiveuniform

plus, if you have form for calling and making unreasonable demands, that is possibly why he has his phone off. Maybe he has another phone for his other children?

You don't phone and whattsapp someone in the middle of the night because your toddler is vomiting.

Because they have menengitis, or the house has burnt down, or something, yes.

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