To think you don't sleep with your phone off if your children are elsewhere

[eslindanunez]

Have been up all night with a vomiting toddler. I live on my own with her and her dad sees her once a week on a Sunday. She started throwing up about midnight last night and carried on doing so for a few hours. We cosleep so the bed was covered in sick, so was I, so was much of the bedroom and the living room and she needed a few changes of pyjamas so that in itself was quite difficult to deal with it as she wouldn't let me put her down. I tried calling and WhatsApping her dad to ask him to come over so that he could at least hold her while I changed the bed and had a shower and just for moral support ( was quite worried as she's never been sick before) but his phone has clearly been turned off as the messages haven't even been registered as read. That's still the case now at nearly 8 AM. Am I being unreasonable to think that if you're somewhere other than where your children are (he also has two other children from a previous relationship) that you don't just turn your phone off and go to sleep? Because things happen and obviously this wasn't even that bad but it could've been a lot worse! I can't imagine being away from DD and not having a means to be contacted should something happen.

You're together as a couple and he sees his dd once a week?
I don't understand this.

Trust me. If it's really bad (life or death car crash bad) the police will chap the door and tell him.

Bit of puke isn't even close to that.

I think YABU as you were in charge of your child and when it's separate homes, nice and all as it might be in an ideal world, the parent responsible for the child on any given night can be trusted or even expected to handle any emergency that arrives. Including trying to call people who can help if necessary but you can't expect anyone, including the parent not responsible (if relations permit), to be waiting for a call in the middle of the night. If he agrees in future maybe he'll make sure to be contactable but I don't think that's really required (though nice).

It's a freaking nightmare when the puke and you're alone. I've a FH who always seem s to be out at a business dinner etc when mine start and I've 3 so worst case is me puking along with 3 preschoolers. Worst I've had is me and two at the same time but it's so so tough. BUT you just get on with it. It's not nice, and quite difficult to juggle cleaning up baby/kid with cleannng up bed but you clearly managed (well done! Epic survival). And my best tip is to put puking child in the bath once a big bout is over, with a washable toy if necessary, ran bin bags, fill with anything that's been puked on to wash later, fresh bed as quick as u can, towels over bed (for quicker change next time), towels beside bed on floor (to save carpet). First two pukes are the worst. Not usually much left after that so don't let it freak you out too much. It will pass.

But I always think puking bugs must be a very lonely and distressing time for single parents so YANBU to find it horrific and stressful and to want some company and help.

'Ex had dd last night, she vommited and was ill. He is in a pissy mood with me because i was asleep and phone on silent and i didnt hear his calls or see his whatsapps. He expected me to come round and help clean her up and then come back home'

People would be saying he needs to get a grip and deal with it himself

This ^^

It doesn't mean it wasn't a rough night for you, it clearly was. It was probably really crappy having a poorly sicky child on your own. You may well have though you could do with another pair of hands, and fair do. It doesn't have to be her dad I'm afraid.

YANBU I fully get needing another pair of hands during the night to help if it's the first time she's been sick. Maybe some people who have a partner living with them wouldn't. And sometimes the most obvious person to call is the Dad as you'd think they'd be round like a shot to help their child like we would in reverse. They should be contactable and drop everything but sometimes aren't and don't. Even in potentially more serious situations. And it can definitely be an eye opener. You learn not to expect anything as they often aren't available when they are not due to see them.

Yes he is my ex and he sees her for a couple of hours in the day on a Sunday. He doesn't eve have her overnight.

I think people are maybe misreading a little bit so just to clarify -

If I'd had someone else here I wouldn't have called him just to deal with puke

My concern was more if something worse had happened and the fact that I would want to know and I'd make sure I was contactable

I'm taking on board what people are saying - if it happens again I'll feel better equipped to deal with it, it's just that it was scary because it was the first time.

And thanks for the practical tips!

I think just have a conversation with him and say you would prefer it if he was contactable.

But find out first what happened last night. was his phone lost or stolen or did he absent mindedly leave it in the car, ran out of charge etc

It wasn't something worse.

If something really bad happened (life or death in hospital bad) the police would go to his door and tell him. Bring him to the hospital.

But honestly phoning and whatsapping for a puking session is out of order.

He's your ex. He's not your moral support. You need to find other ways to get that support. It's not easy, but he doesn't have to be there for you. And there will be many many more puking sessions before you're done with having kids.

Being prepared helps.

I have few crappy old towels / large muslins / old sheets all stashed away and used in event of illness. Also a sick bucket and all beds have mattress protectors.

After the first puke, child gets moved to leather couch (covered in towels and sheets) and the nearby carpet is covered.

My living room and kitchen are next to each other so I can leave a poorly child for a few moments to pop into next room.

I have a DP but if puking occurs on a weeknight one of us deal with it (usually him as I'm an emetophobe) whilst the other sleeps so they can work the next day.

It's not a 2 person job. I haven't, for example, called DP home from work if there is puke on my watch.

It is horrible though and I hope you are through the worst.

Most of us would deal with a sick child alone, not need the other parent.

I have kept the home landline which is not often used and it is next to my bed at night. I do not take a mobile telephone into the bedroom so that would have to be used (eg it was used in middle of night when my gorgeous first grandchild arrived; one of my older children used it a few times at university when she had an emergency - lost her wallet and that kind of stuff). I have recently considered taking out the landline as we get so few calls on it - usually doctor, dentist, neighbour (happy to avoid her!) but I think I will keep it for now for exactly this kind of emergency and it rings throughout the house. I still have about five old style landline telephones attached to it around the home (circa 1980)!

By FUCK would I let me ex tell me I need to be contactable at all times

That is controlling as fuck and I'm entitled to my time off. And normal kid crap like a puking session is his to deal with when they're with him.

Otherwise I'd end up never getting any time off at all.

It doesn't make me a bad parent that I go out with my mates when my kids are with their dad and put my phone in my bag and don't answer it.

I have been a single parent for a very long time. I know it's shit. But you have to get on with it.

To all those who say the OP can't expect to be at his beck and call as he's an ex, true he may not have an obligation to his ex but he should without doubt be at the beck and call of his child! As previous PP have said if it were the other way around the reaction would have been totally different.
YANBU OP, hope you have an easier day today.

Get a grip. Everyone else manages.

YANBU saying it's difficult to manage a vomiting toddler alone. I know this for sure because I had the same thing last week!
My dd was upset about being sick so every time she was she came towards me for a cuddle and covered me in it.... when it's multiple times it's v difficult and everything gets covered, obviously you need to clear it up asap so it doesn't soak in. You have my sympathies.

I was also alone but DH was here, in the house, he was sleeping downstairs because he 'couldn't deal with it'. Yes I was pissed off but he does have to get up at 5 and it was already clear I wouldn't be able to go to work. After the first one caught me by surprise I just covered everything with towels and resigned myself to smelling of sick til morning....
hope it passes soon.

I would never call Ds dad in the night for something like this - he isn't 'on duty' even Though he is the dad - completely disagree with this, a parent should always be on duty, or 'on call' to some extent.

OP YANBU. I remember when I had to rush my son to hospital because he wasn't breathing properly, turned out to be croup and he had one of those mask things. I was terrified, he was only little and I'd not experienced anything like that before. Ex had his phone off, even exes mum was cross with him that he'd switched it off and made himself uncontactable.

Ex is now completely off the scene and hasn't seen DS for years so of course I'd not bother now, nor would I even know how to contact him anyway.

If the other parent is still in your childs life then surely you're not a single parent as people are suggesting? You're co-parenting, and that surely that means the other parent helps out whether it's 'their turn' or not if the resident parent needs some help and support?

OP I hope you are catching up on sleep now.

I have coparented with dds dad since birth. I've had my fair share of these nights.

You need to separate out the times he needs to be there for dd or himself (hospital visits / serious illness etc) from the times he needs to be there to make your life easier.

I got him round once because I was too ill to safely parent (pleurisy) but I wouldn't get him round to relieve me if dd was ill and being cared for by me, or if I was ill but capable of looking after her.

That's the difference between him being a partner who cares about your wellbeing and a dad who cares about his dd.

If he'd come round last night it would have been to make your life easier. He might have done it if he cares about you but he didn't need to.

All irrelevant because his phone was off so he didn't even know. It could have been serious and for that yanbu.

I think yabu
Different if you were looking after a child for someone else
You were the parent caring for the child. Sounds like a rough night but that's life

Op, you asked how I would have coped
I have done this on my own many times
I have older children, my oldest is 28 so we didn't have mobile phones when they were little
Not that it would have been much use when dh was away abroad
There's no way he was going to come home from Saudi Arabia or the falklands
I would have put the child down and changed the bedding
Then me, then my child
I probably would have just usd a flannel to wash us both and left the showering till morning
I don't honk a bit of puke is an emergency
I get that it's scary when you are on your own, and I hope your child is better now

Rushing to hospital yes I would ring. So would my ex ring me.

But a bit of puke? Nope. Wouldn't even occur to me.

My ex dealt with a broken leg all on his own when I was uncontactable one Saturday afternoon when I was out walking in the mountains (no reception on phone)

To those who think the other parent needs to be contactable 24/7 - how would you deal with that?

I agree, he should be contactable if he has responsibilities elsewhere.
Yes, in an emergency the police could visit his home but what a waste of police time!

In this instance I think your panic and worry over your dd being ill all got redirected as anger at your ex. It's easy to feel angry and resentful when you're up all night coping on your own.

My concern was more if something worse had happened and the fact that I would want to know and I'd make sure I was contactable

But this wasnt an emergency and you still rang him. If he sets up his phone so you can contact him even at night and you ring him in the middle of the night for non emergencies. He is quickly going to put the settings back to normal.

If it was me and my phone was set up for ex to call i an emergency and you called me to come round for this, i would be pissed off. You didnt know the call wouldnt go through until you tried.

Again, i understand it was worrying but setting up a phone for emergencies. Needs to be for emergencies.

Thing is lovely - you would want to know your daughter had been sick, because you are invested in your daughters life. Does your ex want / need the same level of knowledge when he isn't really so involved? Some fathers would want to know, but I suspect they are the ones who see their child more than once a week for a few hours.

When ds was little he was taken into hospital with breathing problems. His dad read the Whatsapp and 3 days later sent me a return text asking how he was. You need to adjust your expectations I suspect or it will drive you mad. He isn't you. You would want to know because you are involved and your life revolves around her, it probably isn't on his radar at all because he his life is 90% other things.

I suppose I'm looking at it in the sense if what I would do and what I would want to do if the situation was reversed. If he had her overnight (which he doesn't) and she was ill I would want to be contacted and I would want to go and help and be there for her. I know not everyone feels that way.

I'm really sorry.you had a terrible and frighteining at time night. try and calm down from that now and do all you need to do to comfort and (sound soppy)hold you heart carefully. right now I'm sure your emotionas are all over the place.
if there hasn't been an arranged contact at any hours I think he wasn't being unreasonable to turn it off but it might be helpful to hold a discussion with him on your thoughts and whether it might be ok if he does from now on make sure hes contactable. if hes says no then I don't think hes being UR just difference in parenting I guess.though the amount he sees her still does put a questioning look to my face.but we wont go there this isn't bout that eh.
so right now I think you need to first tell him what happened and how frightened you got and whether there is a better or possible way of getting in touch.
or next option is there anyone else you can get in touch with family or friend who could be that person.
its scary but I'm afraid this does come with being single parent and is nasty is it sounds you do just have to get used to it.and its tough.and at times really scary.that why evolution gave us families I guess.
its all over now yes?dc ok?
so feel blessed at that and try now on focusing on how to make today gentle and better for both of you,snuggle up and feel love from eacohter.
is there anything at home that could be done to make u feel clamer if this happens again.as simple as having a spare sheet in your room or closer.a cd of calming music to put on if things getting tough.making sure there is cleaning supplies in the bathroom close by.etc etc.the smallest thing might help you feel calmer if you then do have to do this again and on your own.
is it the first time this has happened because that in itself will send you feelin wacky and emotional.