Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

To expect my husband to acknowledge my pain?

117 replies

TammySwansonTwo · 09/09/2017 14:00

I have endometriosis as well as other conditions and I'm in pain every day and my periods are horrific. The first day of each period is always the worst. Last month, I got really upset with him because I was sat there in tears due to the pain and he literally didn't acknowledge it. He did all the practical things (sorting out the twins etc) but the fact that he could let me sit there in so much pain and not even acknowledge it really hurt me. I told him this and he said he thought I wouldn't want to dwell on it - I said I would never let him sit there in pain and not mention it, he said he understood.

Cut to today, next period day 1 and it's literally the worst pain I've had for over a decade. I've taken all the morphine I can and it's still making me cry out, been contemplating a trip to hospital but fortunately it has now calmed down. He's been to the supermarket and played with the twins since I can't move, but again he hasn't acknowledged it, mentioned it, asked if I'm okay etc. I know the practical help is most important but honestly it makes it feel like he just doesn't care. I know that's not true but it still really hurts. There's no one else I can talk to about it and just because I've had it for years doesn't mean I don't struggle with it emotionally.

AIBU? Especially as we only talked about this a few weeks ago? He is a great husband and father and he generally isn't a cold person but to me this feels really heartless.

OP posts:

Phosphorus · 09/09/2017 14:05

I think you are being unreasonable.

When I have toothache, a headache, or when I dislocated my shoulder, the last thing I'd have wanted to do was talk about the pain.

What on earth would be the point?

What exactly do you want him to say? He knows you are in pain, he's doing what he can to help.

Walking in and saying, 'hi, still in agony I see, great!' would hardly be the done thing.

BeachyKeen · 09/09/2017 14:06

He is not heartless, you said yourself he is a great husband and father, he is doing everything practical he can to make this easier.
He knows you are hurting, you've told him, you said you had tears in your eyes, and was crying out. Why would he ask if you are ok, when he knows you are not? He can hear you in pain, hence making sure he's looking after the kids.

ToffeeSauce · 09/09/2017 14:06

He's doing all he can to help.

Give him a break

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/09/2017 14:09

pain is fucking horrible.

If the choice was between him saying it for showing it, which would you choose? Because it sounds like he shows it; caring for you and the DC. I know it's incredibly hard for DH to see me in pain, so maybe that's the case for your DH.

alpineway · 09/09/2017 14:10

I understand how you feel. When my dh gets his leg pain which comes and goes i'm always concerned and asking him how he feels, if it's eased etc. But when i get my pains he doesn't say anything. Every time i vow i'll be the same with him, but i can't, i hate to see him suffer. Yanbu, it's awful having pain, hope you're ok OP.

Nuttynoo · 09/09/2017 14:11

Yanbu. Him taking care of the kids is the bare minimum you should do. I bet if his dick was bleeding heavy he'd expect affection from you.

Have it out with him.

Nuttynoo · 09/09/2017 14:11

Bare minimum HE should do.

Tilapia · 09/09/2017 14:14

OP have you heard of the languages of love? Google it. The idea is that everyone has a way of expressing love (one of five possible ones) and we tend to expect our partners to express their love in the same way as we express it. Meanwhile they do love us but are 'speaking a different language' to express that love. Sounds like you are about words whereas your DH is acts of service. This way of looking at things may help you understand his behaviour.

crazyhairdontcare · 09/09/2017 14:19

Horrible that you're suffering so much :(

I do think that men and women communicate differently, and whilst I don't think YABU, you're more than likely being a little bit over sensitive about it. He probably feels like taking the pressure off you by looking after the kids and doing other things is his way of showing you he cares.

Just talk to him about it again calmly when you're feeling a bit better.

BillBrysonsBeard · 09/09/2017 14:23

It sounds like he is a great husband but he could at least give you a cuddle or just a bit of sympathy. It seems weird to not even acknowledge it.
I don't agree with needy people who want their partner to suffer with them but in this case it's just a bit of acknowledgement you want. When DP moans about a pain I always say something to sympathise and then don't mention it again, same with him.

VimFuego101 · 09/09/2017 14:26

I think his actions are his way of caring for you. If you want him to do something, ask him directly to do it.

ChickenBhuna · 09/09/2017 14:29

He is acknowledging your pain. He is doing important things so that you can rest.

It horrible when someone you love is in pain and you can do nothing to take it away.

Give him a break.

TotalUnknown · 09/09/2017 14:35

Men often express themselves differently to women. You get the 'man-flu' types, and the 'leg-falling-off-but-I'll-just-get-on-with-things' type. Some find that severe pain makes them feel very vulnerable, and being overtly looked after when they are in pain makes them feel even worse. My dh is like that. He can't bear any fuss being made when he's in pain. The more pain he is in, the more drawing attention to it makes him anxious. He, like yours, goes into Practical Mode. I have to spell out to him how to talk to me at these times.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 09/09/2017 14:37

He's doing the bare minimum - i.e. the care of the children that should be his job anyway. He's not engaging with you emotionally, though, and checking with you that you are OK. He shouldn't be given bouquets for doing what he shoudl be doing as a father - he should be called into line for not supporting you. Definitely YANBU. Have never had endo, but have seen those who have, and I can't understand why/how he just sits by.

TotalUnknown · 09/09/2017 14:39

My post doesn't make sense I managed somehow to delet a chunk.

...My dh is like that. He can't bear any fuss being made when he's in pain. The more pain he is in, the more drawing attention to it makes him anxious.

I OTOH, need a bit more sympathy when I am in pain. I need my pain to be acknowledged and sometimes I want to be looked after a bit. My dh doesn't always understand this. He, like yours, goes into Practical Mode. I have to spell out to him how to talk to me at these times.

Missingstreetlife · 09/09/2017 14:41

He's a bloke, they like to fix things and feel bad if they can't. They don't talk about stuff, they retreat. Read men are from mars women are from Venus, lot of stereotypical rubbish but some lightbulb moments.

I taught mine to say 'poor you' good as it gets, not that they don't care.
Is there a support group for your condition?

Bombardier25966 · 09/09/2017 14:41

You're being irrational. If he didn't care he wouldn't be looking after the children and doing the shopping, he'd have disappeared to watch the tv in another room/ gone to the pub/ match etc.

I have chronic pain and I know how debilitating it can be, but I don't expect others to acknowledge it every day, or at all. They know, they do things to help, but like your husband they're too busy getting on with things to fawn over me.

Honestly be grateful for all he does, don't pick fault where none exists. There are people like us who have absolutely no help, practically or emotionally. Don't push him to the point that you end up one of them.

GreatFuckability · 09/09/2017 14:42

YANBU, but i think as others have said, he is more of 'do things' person than a 'say things' person. I would be more direct in telling him what you need. 'If i'm in pain i'd like you to give me a cuddle' or something similar.

also comparing chronic endo pain with to a headache...words fail me.

oldbirdy · 09/09/2017 14:42

When I am in pain I want to crawl away and hide. The absolute last thing I want is to be fussed over. The thought of a partner who you can say "I feel dreadful" and they say "ok" and go and take over everything else sounds like a wonderful dream to me. Which doesn't mean your feelings aren't valid, just that it doesn't necessarily mean he is uncaring. He just cares differently. Everyone of us is different.
Hope you feel better soon.

Mummyoflittledragon · 09/09/2017 14:44

Phosphorus

Acute pain is very very different from ongoing chronic pain. I do not wish to talk about my chronic pain as I end up in tears. Ditto ME/CFS. However, when a friend looks at me and acknowledges I'm exhausted or can see I'm in a lot of pain both of which are really obvious, I do appreciate it.

Tammy

My dh doesn't say anything either. I tell him stuff. It's not because he doesn't care, it's because he's wired differently. He does, however, do loads of stuff with dd and for me because I can't.

Original poster

TammySwansonTwo · 09/09/2017 14:46

Thanks everyone. I'm not asking for him to keep bringing it up or fawn over me, but I know that if I came downstairs and found him lying on the sofa in literal agony I would acknowledge it in some way, not just talk to him like everything is normal and get on with things. I just find it quite strange to not even acknowledge it. It makes me feel like I've annoyed him by being ill, even though I don't think that's the case. It's really scary and isolating being in this much pain, I could just do with a little bit of emotional support. A hug would do it, anything really that says "this really sucks, I'm sorry" or something, I have brought it up before, last month. As I said I do very much appreciate the help with the practical stuff that I am incapable of doing right now.

OP posts:

Mittens1969 · 09/09/2017 14:46

I went through really awful period pain, because of fibroids, and very heavy bleeding - I literally couldn't go anywhere because they were so heavy, and I could never tolerate tampax, so I can really empathise, OP. In the end I had a D&C over 3 years ago and I've had no bleeding ever since.

My DH is empathetic but he needs things spelling out to him. He'll say, 'I'm not a mind reader.' He's willing to do what's needed in the home and makes me cups of tea. I've learned to be satisfied with that.

If you need more acknowledgement of your pain, you need to tell him, OP.

TotalUnknown · 09/09/2017 14:49

Then tell him so. Not in an angry "I'm disappointed" way. Just matter-of-fact.

Original poster

TammySwansonTwo · 09/09/2017 14:51

I'm not asking him to acknowledge it every day. I'm in pain every day and I get on with it. But there is a difference in my opinion between being in a level of pain that you can push through and being in a level of pain that makes you cry out and unable to move despite a hefty dose of morphine. I find it odd that he acts as though that isn't happening. I am not pushing him away either, and I'm not going to give him a medal for spending some time with his own children (I've still dragged myself up and loaded the dishwasher, done the laundry and made bottles while he was at the supermarket this morning because it needed doing, before it worsened significantly this afternoon). You're making some pretty big assumptions.

OP posts:

IAmTheDragon · 09/09/2017 14:52

He is acknowledging your pain, by doing the practical things he needs you to do.

Have you heard of love languages? Sounds like your DH uses 'acts of service' to show his love.

Understanding him will make you feel better: en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Five_Love_Languages

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Swipe left for the next trending thread