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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect my husband to acknowledge my pain?

117 replies

TammySwansonTwo · 09/09/2017 14:00

I have endometriosis as well as other conditions and I'm in pain every day and my periods are horrific. The first day of each period is always the worst. Last month, I got really upset with him because I was sat there in tears due to the pain and he literally didn't acknowledge it. He did all the practical things (sorting out the twins etc) but the fact that he could let me sit there in so much pain and not even acknowledge it really hurt me. I told him this and he said he thought I wouldn't want to dwell on it - I said I would never let him sit there in pain and not mention it, he said he understood.

Cut to today, next period day 1 and it's literally the worst pain I've had for over a decade. I've taken all the morphine I can and it's still making me cry out, been contemplating a trip to hospital but fortunately it has now calmed down. He's been to the supermarket and played with the twins since I can't move, but again he hasn't acknowledged it, mentioned it, asked if I'm okay etc. I know the practical help is most important but honestly it makes it feel like he just doesn't care. I know that's not true but it still really hurts. There's no one else I can talk to about it and just because I've had it for years doesn't mean I don't struggle with it emotionally.

AIBU? Especially as we only talked about this a few weeks ago? He is a great husband and father and he generally isn't a cold person but to me this feels really heartless.

OP posts:
IAmTheDragon · 09/09/2017 14:52

Sorry, that should be you need him to do*

Original poster
TammySwansonTwo · 09/09/2017 14:54

Phosphorus, you're talking about short term acute pain that can be resolved. Dealing with severe chronic pain for over two decades is a different matter, and is very difficult emotionally as well as physically.

OP posts:
Original poster
TammySwansonTwo · 09/09/2017 14:54

Thanks ladies, I will talk to him again.

OP posts:
Atenco · 09/09/2017 15:02

It is also very distressing to see someone you love in pain and not be able to do anything to take that pain away. Maybe not talking about it and doing what he can to help is his way of dealing with it.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 09/09/2017 15:02

Firstly you have my sympathy endo pain is awful. Imagine if someone told you that you would have to go through labour pains for up to a week each month for the next 20 years.

He sounds like someone who wants to do stuff and sort out problems. Perhaps say to him that asking you how you are or sympathising with your pain actually helps you. Being in pain can feel like a lonely place so someone acknowledging how you feel makes a difference.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 09/09/2017 15:07

I hope they find a treatment/ management option for you. For me a combination of surgery and the mirena coil have largely done the trick.

WomblingThree · 09/09/2017 15:09

Everything that Bombardier25966 said, x100

Poshindevon · 09/09/2017 15:12

OP you say you are in pain everyday and have horrific periods.
Well maybe your DH has become impervious to or even fed up of your constant pain that he just gets on with the practical things.
I know I would be fed up by now with some one wanting constant attention because they are in pain.

I understand terrible pain I too was on morphine but I suffered alone because my DH was working abroad even had major surgery without him being there.
You are lucky to have a husband at home with you helping out.
YABU

VestalVirgin · 09/09/2017 15:17

Do you actually cry out in pain, and he ignores that?

If you suffer in silence, then perhaps being a bit more vocal about your pain would solve the problem.

It's possible he just doesn't know what to say - tbh I wouldn't know what to say, either, except "is it better now?" which would be the wrong thing if it has gotten worse.

Would you feel better if your husband did something like starting a petition to make the government invest more money in researching a cure for endometriosis?
He might be the kind of person who doesn't like talking about problems he cannot fix, so giving him a way to at least attempt to fix it might help.

defineme · 09/09/2017 15:19

I had the kind that is everywhere and the mirena put it on hold in between having kids (ivf due to endo) and then when the mirena stopped working and I bled for 8 months i had a total hysterectomy. ..best thing that's ever happened to me, a new life at 40!

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 09/09/2017 15:19

Posh
I think you post is a perfect example of kicking someone when they are down.
I suppose I should congratulate you on your heroism and fortitude but I really can't be bothered!

Maria1982 · 09/09/2017 15:23

Flowers pain is horrible

My DP is a bit like this - he will do the practical things without being asked, but when I'm in pain he doesn't know what to say. When I talked to him he said he didn't know what to say, so he was saying nothing. In his mind he wasn't ignoring me, even though I felt he was.

Maybe ask him directly for something -e.g. Ask for a hug. A hot water bottle. Something which you want.

And definitely read up about languages of love. This 'lost in translation' feeling is quite common between two people who are, well, just different people.

Maria1982 · 09/09/2017 15:24

Oh come on posh that's not bloody helpful! Just because you had it hard/had to deal with it without your DH doesn't make the OP's feelings less real or valid!

AcrossthePond55 · 09/09/2017 15:35

My sympathies, I've had two friends with Endo who had horrible, horrible periods and terrible pain, and one had a husband who basically told her she was 'faking' and to 'get on with it'. Both ended up with hysterectomies in their 30s which pretty much took care of the problem. Has this been considered for you? It may not solve your other problems, but it might help with at least the period agony.

It's interesting, because my DH and I are (I think) similar in reaction to you and your DH. If I have pain I prefer to have it acknowledged once and simply ("What's wrong? Oh, I'm sorry! Do you need anything?") then I want to be left strictly alone, like a dying animal. Get on with what needs to be done for the family without my having to tell you what to do, peek in on me in the bedroom every so often to be sure I'm breathing, but other than that leave me alone! DH prefers to agonize and describe every little twinge with accompanying 'noises' whilst lying on the living room sofa being waited on hand and foot. I get frustrated at his histrionics and need for 'pampering', he feels rejected because I won't let him 'take care ' of me and get short when he asks me 'household care' questions. It's just a basic difference in personality and pain reaction. How does he act when he is ill and how do you react to his illnesses?

Neither feeling or behaviour is 'wrong', and we've learnt to 'adjust our expectations' in the 30 years we've been married. Also, one of the things we discovered is that my DH gets terrified when I'm very ill. He says it makes him think about his fear of losing me. On the other hand, I deal with what needs to be done for an ill person without thinking that way.

Definitely try to talk to him again, but try to find some compromise between both of your 'approaches' to the issue..

C8H10N4O2 · 09/09/2017 15:35

Posh

seriously? "I had a bad time so everyone else should suck it up too" Was the pain due to having your empathy extracted?

Mummyoflittledragon · 09/09/2017 15:49

The difference is Posh you could have surgery to alleviate your pain. By the sound of it, op may be able to do something about her endo pain but not about 2 decades of chronic pain. You cannot compare the two however painful it was before or after surgery.

People, who are geniunely ill or in pain tend not to constantly complain because doing so would be a death sentence or more likely a sentence worse than death.

I do agree, some people do get fed up of hearing about other people's pain. I for example am sick to fucking death of hearing about my mothers pain. And why? Because her pain is so minor - I know this because of the way her body moves and yet she doesn't complain. She refitted her kitchen with low cupboards only and no drawers (I have mainly drawers in mine and tall cupboards, eye level oven etc to minimise bending). Who has low cupboards if their back is geniunely bad and money is no object? Whenever she asks me about my pain, it's an excuse to launch into a competition about her back pain etc and she thinks migraines are the worse thing ever. She makes a big deal about everything because she's a fucking narcissist. And everything is about her.

People, who deal with very real chronic conditions just get on with life. It absolutely doesn't sound like op constantly complains so I'm struggling to see how her dh could be fed up with her complaints. Really Posh, you don't have a fucking clue what you're talking about.

Mittens1969 · 09/09/2017 15:50

I agree, it's not helpful to compare your situations, posh. OP's DP is there and she's feeling that he's not getting how she's feeling. I'm guessing that you don't say it to him, instead you're sharing it on here instead?

You do need to tell him. Blokes generally need things spelt out to them, my DH certainly does. He's lovely but he's not good at reading between the lines. Grin

Phosphorus · 09/09/2017 15:51

But because the OP's pain is chronic, there is really nothing to be said.

Banging on about the same old thing for days or weeks out of every month would drive any one up the wall.

I mean what, actually, could he say that wouldn't sount trite and samey?

It's also good for the children to see that their mother isn't actually in mortal peril, and that their lives go on as normal.

PeppaPigTastesLikeBacon · 09/09/2017 15:54

I spend my life in pain (literally daily due to arthritis). Last thing I would want is for someone to keep asking me about it. Your DP is doing the practical stuff like he should (as does my DP).
Pain however does make you think differently to the days you aren't in pain!

Can you speak with your GP to see if there is a better way of controlling it? Have you tried different painkillers? Tramadol is supposed to be a better painkiller than cocodamol however it does bugger all for me and cocodamol does better. Not completely managed by this but it's worth trying out different painkillers if you can

RiseToday · 09/09/2017 15:54

I get it, you just want some acknowledgment, even if he was just to put his arm around you and say I hate that you're in so much pain or whatever.

You will probably have to spell it out for him as I don't think he's going to use his initiative on this one.

RiseToday · 09/09/2017 15:55

Also blokes just don't get period related stuff, I mean how could they?

If you were sat there with two broken legs it might be a different story!

butterfly56 · 09/09/2017 15:59

I had endometriosis and adenomyosis caused a GP by pushing a coil in so forcefully it punctured the wall of the womb obviously I didn't know it at the time. The coil was removed and the resulting damaged reacted to hormones every month and the surgeon compared it to being beaten with a big stick every few days of the month as the problem gets worse and worse and worse and it can turn into something far worse.

The surgeon said " I am going to turn you into a new woman"!!...and he did.

I had a total hysterectomy at 36 and never had a problem again .....it was life changing. I was like a new woman and got my life back!

Danceswithwarthogs · 09/09/2017 16:03

A lot of men feel helpless trying to talk about things like this or doing touchy feely consolation.... so they try to do something practical to "fix it", take your mind off it or at least to help... how many dh's do and say silly things in the delivery room because they don't know how to help you, or spend the whole time faffing with the controls on the tens machine. It might even upset him to see you in that much pain.

Sounds like you might need more medical support from the doctors though?

kittybiscuits · 09/09/2017 16:08

It's horrible not being acknowledged when you are really suffering. A little kindness and empathy goes a long, long way Flowers

Mummyoflittledragon · 09/09/2017 16:12

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