To expect my husband to acknowledge my pain?

[TammySwansonTwo]

I have endometriosis as well as other conditions and I'm in pain every day and my periods are horrific. The first day of each period is always the worst. Last month, I got really upset with him because I was sat there in tears due to the pain and he literally didn't acknowledge it. He did all the practical things (sorting out the twins etc) but the fact that he could let me sit there in so much pain and not even acknowledge it really hurt me. I told him this and he said he thought I wouldn't want to dwell on it - I said I would never let him sit there in pain and not mention it, he said he understood.

Cut to today, next period day 1 and it's literally the worst pain I've had for over a decade. I've taken all the morphine I can and it's still making me cry out, been contemplating a trip to hospital but fortunately it has now calmed down. He's been to the supermarket and played with the twins since I can't move, but again he hasn't acknowledged it, mentioned it, asked if I'm okay etc. I know the practical help is most important but honestly it makes it feel like he just doesn't care. I know that's not true but it still really hurts. There's no one else I can talk to about it and just because I've had it for years doesn't mean I don't struggle with it emotionally.

AIBU? Especially as we only talked about this a few weeks ago? He is a great husband and father and he generally isn't a cold person but to me this feels really heartless.

Try telling him you need a cuddle.

That sort of caring behaviour feels very unnatural to some people (I'm not a cuddler myself) but if they are told that you need it, they will cuddle you day. He might not understand that sympathy and cuddliing is part of your expected care package - MANY people want to be left alone - I like to just go to bed where no expecations of person-behaviour can be levelled at me

I have a severe chronic pain problem after an injury. 95% of the time I get on with it and dh is brilliant at also just getting on with the practical stuff I can't do.

The other small percentage of the time when the pain is too bad to hide dh also finds it exceedingly hard to deal with. Because he has no solution he tends to ignore or just ask if I've had all the drugs I can. I've learned not to hold it against him; I couldn't sit beside someone groaning in pain but it's the only way he can cope. If I asked for concern it would,min all honesty, feel fake anyway.

I really hope you find some relief and your condition improves.

I prefer to be left alone too, I'm very uncomfortable with cuddles.

I have chronic pain it is there daily and it is just shit and it really messes with your emotions and i know you want him to say something but what do you want him to say? He is acknowledging your pain he is sorting out the kids doing stuff i don't want to sound heartless but I think you need to give him a break

My husband knows when i am having a bad day and when they children were younger he would do all the sorting out that kids need get me cups of tea make sure we ate that night he just knew and this is what your dh is doing,

Some proper arse holes on this thread.

Op yanbu and it doesn't matter a tiny bit if other posters would prefer to not have it acknowledged because you've told him you would. They are not married to your husband.

As for him being "fed up" of you being in pain, Well only a total cunt would think that way right?

DH doesn't know what to do when I'm in pain, so he'll do practical things, like take our toddler, give me space if I need it, remind DD to be quiet if I have a migraine. Practical stuff. Important stuff.

Honestly, would rather the practical than doing nothing but asking if you're ok as you drag yourself around the house doing housework like my ex

Endo is horrific. I suffered for years with excruciating pain, but after 3 children, the pain is fine. I still bleed very heavily, but can cope.

Can you go back to the doctors, see if there anything they can do? It's such an awful thing to live with.

YBUF.

He is helping, and keeping the children out of your way.
Don't blame him for not asking you every time he goes past how you are, he knows your in pain, and probably doesn't know how else to help.
Right now your pain is the main focus of your world, and will be till it lessens, your too wrapped in feeling bad , don't have a go at him, as you will regret it.
You say you expect my husband to acknowledge my pain, how do you think he should do this, what is it exactly you want him to do as I would have a hard time as a woman knowing what I could do to show you an acknowledge of pain....
Once you have worked this out, then maybe you should tell him what it is that you think he should do.

I understand OP.

How about telling him what you would like him to do. Give you a cuddle, a quick squeeze of your hand, a kiss on your head, whatever. Touch is very important and even if you would be in too much pain for a proper cuddle, a touch of a hand can convey love and empathy.

When I was first ill, my husband stopped cuddling me. When I asked him why, he said he was worried about hurting me and putting me in even more pain, so I told him where he could touch me, so it wouldn't hurt.

Also, a different, more caring tone of voice (different from the every day tone of voice) is something he could do.

I hope you can get some more help with the pain, it must be excruciating if even morphine doesn't help. Is it Oramorph you're taking, or are you on MST? Could your dose be increased?

I've had chronic pain for over 2 decades. It's there daily, I never catch a break from it, and it's not helped by the fact that I can't take opiates.

DH very often doesn't acknowledge it because he doesn't know what to say, or how I will react. I know I can snap his head off when all he's asked is how I am or do I need anything. He just gets on with the practical stuff and waits for me to ask for anything.

Living with someone with chronic pain shouldn't be underestimated. They don't get an easy ride of it either.

I hope you're feeling a bit better soon.

What Turtle said.

Firstly, to clear up a few things. I don't "bang on about it" or go on about my pain. Ever. Not to anyone. And at no point did I say I literally or through behaviour look for his sympathy, or anyone's, and I don't see why it has to be a choice between him playing with the kids and giving me a hug, asking if there's anything he can do, acknowledging that this is just the pits, or just acknowledging it in any way. Those who are cricitising me, are you honestly saying that if you were lying down in so much pain that you couldn't prevent yourself from crying out in pain, you wouldn't be slightly bothered that your spouse acts as if nothing is happening?

My symptoms started the week of my first period, age 12. Took until I was 22 to get diagnosed. Since then I've had countless scans, six laparoscopies, the pill, pill injection, implanon, zoladex, danazol, mirena coil, every type of painkiller, drugs for neuropathic pain, anti-depressants, nerve blocks... you name it, if it's worked for someone with this disease, I've done it (besides a hysterectomy obviously, since my twins are only one). I'm back at the hospital in a few weeks but not sure I am ready for a full hysterectomy and that's my only remaining option.

As for the piece of shit who stated my husband is probably fed up with me, thanks ever so much. I'm sat here struggling with pain most people can't comprehend, feeling completely hopeless about my life and myself as a mother since I can't even stand to pick up my children when they cry right now, so thank you for pushing me over the edge. You are a vile person.

I can see Posh's point of view in a slightly different way - not as DH being fed up of OP complaining though, but as not knowing what to say each time. There are only so many ways of saying "oh dear" and fewer still that aren't going to come across badly when you're in pain & result in you saying something along the lines of "of course it still hurts you moron!" while hurling heavy objects at him. He tries to show he cares by doing practical things whereas OP wants words and gestures. OP needs to either accept that doing the shopping means the same as "I hate that you're hurting etc." or tell him exactly what she wants each time (i.e. I need a hug, I need you to tell me that you know it's crap) so that he knows that he's not going to be putting his foot in it if he says something that was fine the last time. (Have to admit I'm the type to provide practical suggestions & help rather than sympathy because I haven't the faintest idea what to say, yet I do appreciate the words myself)

Motoko - I'm on both. At one point I was on more morphine than anyone my pain consultant had ever seen. I reduced it significantly before my twins and now I'm on a much lower (although still concerning) dose. I already get so much hassle from my doctors about the amount I do take that I'm terrified of having to take more - I'll have to discuss it with them, but mainly they just treat me like a drug seeker as they tend to do.

Those, who are criticising you don't have a clue what it's like. For you. Or for your family.

Honestly, I don't buy some of these responses - you're honestly telling me that if you're scared and in pain, your husband says nothing, doesn't give a cuddle, doesn't acknowledge it at all? Maybe that's true, I just find it bizarre.

Again, to clarify, I don't need to give him a break or stop going on about it because I've brought this up one time, it hasn't been this bad since before we got married.

It's the 'I didn't know adults celebrated birthdays, You sound like hard work, He is supporting you - what the hell else do you want him to do' brigade. Ridiculous. A human being, in pain, needs comfort.

Tammy please take heart, Big Sister had the Operation 2 months ago, hers sounds as bad as your is ,she was taking so much meds she was out of it most days.
She is now 2 months down the line and doing up her house , she is so happy and pain free.... Walks her Grandchild and says why on earth did she put up with the pain and put the Operation off for so long...

How often do you have to take morphine? I'm only asking because it's obviously a very powerful analgesic, is there any chance you might be experiencing some withdrawals if you're taking it on and off? The physical withdrawals can be absolutely horrendous as I'm sure you're aware

A relative of mine had a hysterectomy in her 20s without ever having had children, she found the pain from her endometriosis so appalling. She's been so much happier since. Sounds like it may be time for you to start considering this option more seriously, OP. As for your dh, I think you are being a bit harsh on him - you may know exactly what would help you feel better rather than just make your life easier at this point in time, but he doesn't. He only knows how your pain affects your family and how he can deal with that; only you know what your pain actually feels like and whether someone cuddling you or expressing sympathy would make you feel more tearful and focused on your pain, or better able to face it. Talk to him about it, don't expect him to be an expert on your personal pain journey.

Taking care of the kids is the bare minimum a father does, isn't it? Given the conversation has already been had, surely it wouldn't take much for him to show some affection and sympathy would it. Yanbu op.

Men are from mars. They don't empathise in the same way as women. That's a generalisation but it's often true.

He is doing the practical stuff but the sympathy is probably more difficult for him than it would be for you. Just keep communicating how important it is for you to hear kind words when you're in pain and hopefully he will get it one day.

I expect he loves you to bits and has forgotten the earlier conversation. Hope you feel better soon

OP YANBU!!

Endo pain is horrible, and I have mild endo so your pain must be horrific

Why do 90% of posters on this thread think that because he's doing what he should as father day to day, it's acceptable for him not to even acknowledge the OP's pain?! Just a simple hug and a kind word or an offer of a hot water bottle would be nice, and even if it's not his "love language", fuck it, he can fake it can't he?

And for the poster that said "at least you have a husband there for you". No. That's not how life works. Should I stfu about my dad who passed away because other people have lost both their parents?

OP all I can say is try to speak to him. My DH hates it when I'm in pain or am upset and he can't help, so I've explained that if he can't solve the problem, a big hug and some kind words will help a bit with how I'm feeling.

I have been on opiates pretty much constantly for 13 years now, of one kind or another. Was treated by a neurologist in London for years and we went through every combination of meds - for me personally, a low dose of slow release MS with a higher dose of oramorph every 4 hours is the most effective way to manage my pain at the lowest overall dose. When I got pregnant, which we didn't expect to happen at all, I was still on a high dose and cut it literally in half overnight as I found out (not recommended but I panicked) then reduced it through my pregnancy by 90% overall - the withdrawal was horrible, but was determined to get it down as much as possible.
I had terrible SPD but it was a walk in the park compared to my endo pain. Even my post emergency c section recovery was easier than my laparoscopy recoveries because my endo improved. Kept my periods away until 7 months pp as I was pumping for my twins, I'm on my 5th period since stopping pumping and each one is worse than the last - literally terrified of the next one now, it makes me want to die rather than take another second of it (literally, not being glib). I've had such awful reactions to hormonal treatments over the years, the Mirena and debacle getting it removed was one of the worst things I've ever experienced, zoladex helped but nearly destroyed my marriage as I completely lost my libido for five years. I'm really sensitive to hormonal changes and they really mess me up.

My fear right now is that I've got bad adhesions from the c section since that would be hard to resolve. I'm really worried about how bad things are going to get but really struggle with the idea of a hysterectomy for reasons I can't really explain. So yes, not too great overall really!

My DH will give me empathy, OP, I just have to tell him what I need. He's lovely but not great at figuring it out for himself. But in my case I don't cope well with cuddles.

You need to tell him, he obviously cares about you so spell it out to him.