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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect my husband to acknowledge my pain?

117 replies

TammySwansonTwo · 09/09/2017 14:00

I have endometriosis as well as other conditions and I'm in pain every day and my periods are horrific. The first day of each period is always the worst. Last month, I got really upset with him because I was sat there in tears due to the pain and he literally didn't acknowledge it. He did all the practical things (sorting out the twins etc) but the fact that he could let me sit there in so much pain and not even acknowledge it really hurt me. I told him this and he said he thought I wouldn't want to dwell on it - I said I would never let him sit there in pain and not mention it, he said he understood.

Cut to today, next period day 1 and it's literally the worst pain I've had for over a decade. I've taken all the morphine I can and it's still making me cry out, been contemplating a trip to hospital but fortunately it has now calmed down. He's been to the supermarket and played with the twins since I can't move, but again he hasn't acknowledged it, mentioned it, asked if I'm okay etc. I know the practical help is most important but honestly it makes it feel like he just doesn't care. I know that's not true but it still really hurts. There's no one else I can talk to about it and just because I've had it for years doesn't mean I don't struggle with it emotionally.

AIBU? Especially as we only talked about this a few weeks ago? He is a great husband and father and he generally isn't a cold person but to me this feels really heartless.

OP posts:
thesolesolent · 09/09/2017 17:30

Wow. I know AIBU is renowned for it's prickly posters but some people are being total arseholes to you OP. Would you say these things to someone in real life? OP has said she is in incredible pain and is struggling - some of you should really be ashamed of yourselves.
OP I think that it's odd that your husband doesn't acknowledge at all that you are in pain. Yes it's hard being the 'well' parent but that doesn't mean just because your DH is fulfilling that role whilst you are unwell that he gets to ignore you. I am wondering whether he is angry at the situation (not you) and that he is getting on with stuff but can't actually cope with what is happening to you. As this is a chronic on going issue perhaps some couples counselling could help you both? Sending you unmumsnetty hugs. Take care of yourself and don't waste energy arguing with keyboard warriors on here - they are not good humans xx

Original poster
TammySwansonTwo · 09/09/2017 17:31

Just wanted to thank those who get it, and I'm sorry so many of you have had to deal with gnus too. I really don't want or expect constant acknowledgement or need attention, just acknowledging it's a bad day and saying "seems really bad today - do you need anything?" and giving me a hug once would be more than enough. I'd never completely ignore him being in pain.

I will talk to him again when I'm in my right mind, which I'm not currently!

OP posts:
mummmy2017 · 09/09/2017 17:32

Wish could help more than just being here to chat, maybe talk to your doctor, and think of what your BEST days are and that this could be your life all the time if you get rid of the bit causing the pain.

You will be the same person only the better version, of yourself, as pain free.

BeachyKeen · 09/09/2017 17:38

If you are saying you are thinking about dying, and living in chronic fear and pain, you need to see a doctor and discuss your fears about a hysterectomy

Poshindevon · 09/09/2017 17:40

OP referring to me as a piece of shit is really not acceptable. Your husvand is probably fed up with it.
the solesolent I would say these things to someone in the real world.
As I said I have endured severe pain to the point of collapse. I am not diminshing the pain but I did not complain no one cared or gave me a hug or write on mumsnet.

barnacharmer · 09/09/2017 17:41

I have endometriosis. I get it. On the days when you just want to rip your abdomen out with your bare hands, when you are exhausted from the pain, when your world has shrunk to just the pain because there is no relief from it you shouldn't need to ask for acknowledgement. It is not attention seeking, how can you be around a love one and see their strained face and not acknowledge it with a hug or stroke of the hair or even a, 'it's shit'? I went through something similar with my partner and had to tell him at the time when I needed something from him, disappointing but telling him and then expecting him to be a real adult and remember it later didn't work. Ignore the knobbers who have commented without experience of chronic pain or any empathy. I know exactly what you meant and yanbu.

kittybiscuits · 09/09/2017 17:43

Maybe piece-of-shit-martyr would have been more accurate?

Original poster
TammySwansonTwo · 09/09/2017 17:43

Unfortunately a hysterectomy isn't a cure - sure, it would resolve the horrific periods but nerve damage, scar tissue and disease outside of the uterus would mean I was still in constant pain, and I know some women who've been worse off after a hysterectomy which is a big fear too. If there was a 90% chance I'd be pain free after one, I would've had one years ago. My consultant has told me there's a reasonable chance it will make things better, but how much better they can't say. It's a big thing decision but going in soon to discuss further.

OP posts:
kmc1111 · 09/09/2017 17:47

I have chronic pain and frequent flare ups. My DH just gets on with things, and I like it that way. TBH when I'm lying on the floor wailing in agony I can't really imagine anything worse than DH trying to empathise about how bad the pain is. It's obviously hellish, I don't need or want him to vocalise that and make soothing noises at me.

In the early days he was very caring and emotional about it with me, but now we've both been dealing with it for years and years it's just a regular part of life. We both know he can't do anything to help me besides get on with our life while I'm incapacitated, and I really don't want constant outpourings of sympathy for the rest of my life.

thesolesolent · 09/09/2017 17:50

Posh Interesting that you feel my post what aimed at you. Just because you have dealt with something one way doesn't mean others will. I think OP lashed out because saying her husband is 'fed up' of her being is pain is mean. I'm sure she is fed up of being in pain too but right now she can't change that.

thesolesolent · 09/09/2017 17:50

*was

Out2pasture · 09/09/2017 17:52

I think only people who suffer from chronic pain can relate to your situation.

thesolesolent · 09/09/2017 17:52

kmc I am sorry to hear you have constant pain but you and your DH are happy with how you both manage you being in pain. OP isn't happy and that's the difference. Feeling emotionally unsupported when you are at your lowest is hard.

Original poster
TammySwansonTwo · 09/09/2017 17:54

I'm not sure where the idea has come from that I want constant sympathy - when you're lying on the floor in agony, does your husband step over you and pretend you aren't there crying? I think there's a very wide spectrum between a bit of acknowledgement and wanting constant sympathy.

OP posts:
Original poster
TammySwansonTwo · 09/09/2017 17:58

Posh - it's great for you that you managed to make it through severe pain with no emotional support from anyone of any kind at any point. Clearly I'm a weaker person than you. Twenty years of constant pain, hundreds of hospital admissions and feeling completely hopeless about the future will do that to a person.

OP posts:
Original poster
TammySwansonTwo · 09/09/2017 18:03

Absolutely right Solent - I am fed up with it. I'm sure my husband is also fed up with my being in pain. Saying my husband is fed up with me and my behaviour (because I've dared to tell him once that it hurts me when he ignores the fact I'm in the worst pain ever) is just plain nasty.

When I was a teenager I had a serious accident and almost lost my arm. I didn't need anyone to empathise with my pain or talk about it - I needed to have my arm fixed and then get through the months of rehab to get my arm working again.

The difference here is that I had to accept years ago that this is never going to be fixed and know from experience that the amount of relief I can get from treatment is minimal. Being in severe pain, knowing it will happen again and again, is completely soul destroying.

OP posts:
quercuscircus · 09/09/2017 18:56

Flowers Tammy I hardly know what to say to you, you are going through so much. I've had some bad pain but not to your extent :(

I think it is really wierd that your DH literally ignores you. Not even a look or a gesture of commiseration and empathy, a shoulder squeeze or anything. To treat you as if you are invisible.. That is really cold. And odd. And absolutely horrifc at a time when you need him most.

My DH can be like this when he is depressed. Partly due to the depression but also because apparently his grandmother was a dramatic attention seeking drunk and when the depression comes over him he decides to treat me as if I were the same. Tears (when he is mean and selfish) are met with extreme coldness and accusations of being manipulative :( It hurts like hell and if he was like it all the time, and it wasn't because of illness we'd not be together. Its still hard to forgive though.

I have no idea what your husband's problem is (upbringing, stiff upper lip, fear, powerlessness, nastiness, psychopath) but it just is not on at all.

He can do all the practical things he likes but it doesn't mean he gets to ignore someone he is supposed to LOVE. You know, with actual feelings :(

Poor you OP x

Motoko · 09/09/2017 18:58

It's crap that the meds aren't helping enough. I hope that after you've spoken to your DH, he takes it on board.

Flowers
scottishdiem · 09/09/2017 19:16

Pain is scary so its not bad to want supported through that. But different people react in different ways and if he goes all practical rather than emotional then that is him offering support.

Also, he has no real context for this pain so doesnt understand it and if it something that happens regularly then he will be making the assumption that you are dealing with it as you have always done to get where you are in a place with a DP and twins.

Tell him what you want as he will never figure it out.

FrancisCrawford · 09/09/2017 19:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

user1499786242 · 09/09/2017 20:30

Anyone commenting on this thread who isn't either in chronic pain or is in a relationship with someone suffering then you have no idea, absolutely no fucking clue how bad it can be...

Sending hugs OP
No advice but hang in there! You're not alone FlowersFlowersFlowers

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 09/09/2017 20:52

Oh you poor thing

I think maybe a quiet word is warranted but bide your time maybe ? My guess is he doesn't actually understand the pain

Please focus on getting it treated and exploring options pretty seriously as it's not unfixable xxx

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 09/09/2017 20:54

I totallly agree that people don't understand - in life or this thread - your pain Flowers

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 09/09/2017 21:03

By the way (have RTWT) whilst you don't want a hyster if ever a reproductive system needed a to be whipped out its one that causes you this much suffering

Please explore all options and work in why you are so anti especially as you have 2 kids

Sorry if this is not helpful - it's easy for me to say as I didn't have one in the end . And I didn't suffer like you are

Good luck

Original poster
TammySwansonTwo · 09/09/2017 21:10

Thanks so much ladies. It really helps that there are people who understand. Hit a really bad patch about 6-7 years ago where I had to stop working and move back to my home town, and now my mum has gone there's really no one around here I'm close to. Have made some mum friends now but I certainly don't know them well enough to talk about this stuff, or I'll be that one who moans, so I keep it in.

It's not like he didn't speak to me all day, but it was the usual stuff (do the cats need feeding, is it time for bottles, that sort of thing). Have had a bit of a chat with him this evening, he just feels worried and lost I think. Which I get - it worries me too, especially the way it's worsened in the last few months. My pain generally has worsened (just been referred to a rheumatologist as my GP thinks I have fibromyalgia rather that ME which I was diagnosed with 10 years ago) but these periods are just terrifying. I will see what the gynaecologist says in a few weeks. X

OP posts: