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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think if a boy hits my daughter then yes it is different to if a girl does

873 replies

ouchthathurtsabit · 08/09/2017 11:44

Preparing to be flamed as this is a controversial issue.

I'm a mum of a girl and 2 boys. My daughter came home with a red mark on her face saying that a boy- known for hurting others- had punched her in the face because she had gone in front of him in the queue. The boy was spoken to and it was dealt with. The children are 8 and in year 3.

So I spoke to the teacher and said I was glad it was dealt with and that I was sure my daughter would be fine but it would probably be helpful for this boy to know that it's unacceptable to hurt or hit anyone but that hitting a girl in the face is really not acceptable.

The teacher then had a massive rant at me saying that there is absolutely no difference and that's a very dangerous thing to be teaching children and it would not be an appropriate thing to say in school.

Whist I do understand what she was tryouts g to say, I do try and explain to my boys that In our society, no matter what age you are, if you hit a female then it is completely unacceptable and that no matter what a girl does or says to you then if you respond with physical violence then it's not acceptable. Males are generally bigger and stronger. Am I completely wrong in thinking at 8 years old this could be mentioned? Because I don't know! I know if one of my boys hit a girl in the face I would be a tiny bit more mortified than if it was a girl
Confused

OP posts:
BoneyBackJefferson · 09/09/2017 20:47

LassWiTheDelicateAir
presumably the male victims of violence include victims where the perpetrator is also male? ie abusive fathers of boys?

That would be correct in the same way that the female victims number represent same sex relationships as well.

It is one of the reasons that I use male victim.

silverbell64 · 09/09/2017 20:51

??? statistics don't really work where a lot of women are concerned. We're different or don't you get that :)

silverbell64 · 09/09/2017 20:54

I wouldn't want to live in a world where we are all bland and the same. What a terrible thought! it's like some sort of terrible futuristic series that could happen. Recognise our differences and celebrate them. Respect them, know what each of us brings to the table, different yet equal!

silverbell64 · 09/09/2017 20:57

Pushing gender neutral down peoples throats is bloody ridiculous, it doesn't make people understand it gets their backs up then all is lost. Women have fought long and hard to try to stop men thinking they are better than us. To tell boys to think we are all the same is so wrong!

Lulalu · 09/09/2017 21:19

Yes exactly.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 09/09/2017 21:44

Women have fought long and hard to try to stop men thinking they are better than us. To tell boys to think we are all the same is so wrong!

So going from that you want to tell boys they aren't as good as girls?

silverbell64 · 09/09/2017 21:47

The idea in all of this is to tell the boys that they should respect girls and act accordingly. Not to "neutralise" genders.

silverbell64 · 09/09/2017 21:55

I seriously don't get the fact that a boy hitting a girl is no worse than a boy hitting another boy. God help us all in this ridiculous fashionable neutralisation of common sense.

MissSeventies · 09/09/2017 21:56

Jumping in late here and I apologise for not reading the entire thread, but I feel teacher was being U in this case. While it is absolutely true that children should be taught that it is unacceptable to hit anyone it is sadly true that women remain overwhelmingly the victims of domestic violence and, while not physically of relevance at 8, there is no harm in suggesting that it is unacceptable for a man to hit a woman.

The ideas that are instilled in children at a young age can inform their attitudes for life and it is perhaps more dangerous to suggest that there is a level playing field between men and women when it comes to physical violence.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 09/09/2017 22:03

The idea in all of this is to tell the boys that they should respect girls and act accordingly.

So boys don't have to respect each other and girls don't have to respect boys in your world.

@MissSeventies maybe you should RTFT!

silverbell64 · 09/09/2017 22:09

who said that? you're being a bit weird piglet.

QuackPorridgeBacon · 09/09/2017 22:11

Thank you, Lass.

Lulalu · 09/09/2017 22:11

Piglet - no disrespect, but are you trying to be facetious now?

BionicMercenary · 09/09/2017 22:25

The boy was told, you shouldn't hit anyone. Male or female it's wrong. Your daughter also shouldn't be pushing in.

Walkingdead11 · 09/09/2017 22:33

MissSeventies

Alas we have certain posters ignoring that fact, nay they try to tell us that dv is practically equal (60/40). It is not and is actually so disgusting that cannot even bring myself to discuss it. I wouldn't have thought it possible that MRA would find themselves on a thread such as this, but I was wrong.....it's too disturbingly real.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 09/09/2017 23:06

Piglet - no disrespect, but are you trying to be facetious now?

No disrespect but errrrr no.

HTH

kateandme · 09/09/2017 23:14

I get it.boys since forever had had fisty cuffs even play fighted in jest.wheeze girls not so much.so a boy on boy does happen.boy on girl scraps not so often.so done in anger or none play its different...but not at 8.no to coolant hitting to anyone

kateandme · 09/09/2017 23:24

It's not weakness for males to be more a protective on their females.its cavman instincts.doesn't mean we can't have eqaul say and rights.just recognise our differences and what both sexes do differently bring usually to the table.
I want males to be slightly protector.heros still.as long as woman can if they decide to.its the roles we've survived since the beginnings of time.its only now people want to be "same" that shits gone bad.
Having differences is what makes a team.doesnt mean we get to victimuse or say we aren't eqaul just eqaul to wat we all bring differently

LassWiTheDelicateAir · 10/09/2017 01:03

Oh good grief. There is a whole air squadron of missed points whooshing over this thread. Silverbelle et al try reading Quack's excellent post.

LassWiTheDelicateAir · 10/09/2017 01:05

silverbell64
I wouldn't want to live in a world where we are all bland and the same. What a terrible thought! it's like some sort of terrible futuristic series that could happen

Well how fortunate that no one has actually advocated that.

silverbell64 · 10/09/2017 01:17

What on earth are you on about Lass? Me... et al and all. I got the point of the thread and stated I do think that its different when boys hit girls. No idea why you're now writing in a condescending aggressive manner.

anrulawson · 10/09/2017 01:46

The teacher is right to say no-one should hit anyone else but gender-based violence and in particular men's violence against women is a serious and widespread problem world-wide and it is essential that the smallest of boys and all young men know from early that it is absolutely forbidden to hit a girl and especially not across the face. Boys and men do fight each other still and do sometimes hurt each other but it is not the same as domestic violence, rape, and all forms of violence against women. The arguments about 8-year olds and their weight and size and strength are not the point here.

Thirteendaystogo · 10/09/2017 07:44

Hitting someone because they go in front of you in a queue isn't 'normal' behaviour at the age of 8. Anything other than you don't hit anyone may well be beyond the child at this stage.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 10/09/2017 08:21

I want males to be slightly protector.heros still

Jeez have I woken up in the 1950s Hmm

streetface · 10/09/2017 08:23

@lasswiththedelicatehair

Yes I fully understand the concept of self defence which was my point. A PP poster said a girl should be punished for using violence against sexual assault.
Lots of posters are also saying if a boy is attacked by a boy they should not defend themselves physically.

Loads and loads of posters are saying all violence is wrong and by saying otherwise sends the message it is ok to hit boys.

My argument is, you are now saying 'well actually, now you come to mention it, SOME violence IS ok if it's self defence'

BUT, when many of us have said that is the only circumstance we tell our sons it is acceptable to hit, when they are under personal attack, we are being told that we are sending the message it is ok to hit girls by default.

Absolute horseshit.

I have raised 3 children. NONE of whom are violent, have instigated violence or are confused in any way about the fact hitting is wrong. In no way is my son more likely to instigate toward a boy than a girl. The message is loud and clear.

NEVER instigate violence. Hitting is wrong.

If you are under physical attack and are in danger from someone of equal stature and power then you have the right to defend yourself physically. Absolutely.

But son, you need to understand that as when you become a grown up you will be much stronger and more physically powerful than the majority of women. Therefore, as a society we look at violence against women from men in the same way as if you get hit by a year 3 boy do you understand?

"Yes mum, I know never to defend myself against someone smaller than weaker than me by fighting back"

That's right.

Job done. No confused kids in my house.

Kids don't live in a vacuum. They have all grown up witnessing sexual harassment, cat calling, etc and also notice it doesn't happen when daddy is with mummy. If you think boys don't learn early power imbalances between men and women then you are extremely naive.

8 is a bloody good age to address this.

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