To think if a boy hits my daughter then yes it is different to if a girl does

[ouchthathurtsabit]

Preparing to be flamed as this is a controversial issue.

I'm a mum of a girl and 2 boys. My daughter came home with a red mark on her face saying that a boy- known for hurting others- had punched her in the face because she had gone in front of him in the queue. The boy was spoken to and it was dealt with. The children are 8 and in year 3.

So I spoke to the teacher and said I was glad it was dealt with and that I was sure my daughter would be fine but it would probably be helpful for this boy to know that it's unacceptable to hurt or hit anyone but that hitting a girl in the face is really not acceptable.

The teacher then had a massive rant at me saying that there is absolutely no difference and that's a very dangerous thing to be teaching children and it would not be an appropriate thing to say in school.

Whist I do understand what she was tryouts g to say, I do try and explain to my boys that In our society, no matter what age you are, if you hit a female then it is completely unacceptable and that no matter what a girl does or says to you then if you respond with physical violence then it's not acceptable. Males are generally bigger and stronger. Am I completely wrong in thinking at 8 years old this could be mentioned? Because I don't know! I know if one of my boys hit a girl in the face I would be a tiny bit more mortified than if it was a girl

My daughter would not beat up boys, what a fucking stupid thing to say. Neither would my son beat up boys, what idiotic point is it that you are trying to make? However, if my son kicked a girl I would be way more upset with him than if he had kicked a girl. That was my point in case you have difficulty in understanding.

If my son kicked a girl I would be way more upset than if he kicked a boy for the reasons I have explained.

Marinade - why?

Please refer to my previous posts on this where I have explained why.

Because why. Why is the earth round?

Bony

Oh I understand it perfectly, having grown up in dv setting. That's by the by. What we KNOW about female on male dv is that it tends to be more emotionally abusive, such as jealousy, put downs etc. Now we also know that emotional abuse is every bit ax damaging as physical abuse. So in my scenario with my son it is probable that this would be the possible case. In the event of a weapon being used, with nen generally being stronger than women I would still advice this response if appropriate. As it stands, men are not dying as a result of dv......women are.

Oh yes sorry. I read it now. I just don't think it makes any sense whatsoever. If someone kicked my son, I would be exactly the same level of appalled as I would if someone kicked my daughter. My son doesn't fight people, so why should he expect any less sympathy for being kicked than my daughter.

It's just as unacceptable to judge all boys by the standard of the boys that are violent as it is unacceptable to say that all girls are bitchy or gossipy.

@Walking Dead. Makes absolute sense to me. To make this about equivalent physical sizes is a reductive and idiotic point. Its about the mentality of a boy to strike a girl - I think that this shows a propensity for violence and abuse in a different way than a boy hitting another boy. I would be very worried if my daughter was in a class with a boy who hit her whereas the altercation my son had with the other boy was just a playground interaction that largely got out of hand when they were being physical. This is so simple and straightforward to understand. Why are we trying to pretend that boys and girls are the same - newsflash - they are bloody not!

Very bizarre to think there is no difference. We've definitely lost something over the last few years. I also like a man to open the door for me and pay when he takes me to dinner.

Nobody should hit anyone even though j understand your point however there was no need for her to rant at you

@Eolian, it does not need to make sense to you, it is the way I feel and I have justified it. You don't need to think and feel the same way as me. But I am expressing my view that I agree with the OP and I disagree with you.

Ok I'm done. This thread has descended into ludicrously old-fashioned, sexist stereotypes (of women and men). The 1950's are alive and well.

Why is acknowledging differences in the sexes a sign that you are old fashioned and reinforcing stereotypes? I do not know any mother that would disagree with me so I guess we are all living in the 50s! Oooh you modern lot with your clever ways..

Im with you 100% Marinade. Very bizarre to think we aren't different.

the teacher was right and it's enough to say you do not hit anyone- unless there was a VERY obvious difference in size/strength between the two children- so eg if a 10 yo girl were to hit a 5 yo child, teacher would be saying...'you do not hit anyone ever and especially not someone who is weaker than you'
this whole 'chivalry' narrative is actually the flipside to an abusive narrative- it relies on assuming that women are weak, incompetent and mostly suited to domestic/nurturing and low status roles- so they need men to protect them. You know what kind of men believe women to be weak, incompetent and low status?
It's common for abusive men to use this way of thinking to entrap women, playing the role of protector and provider until the woman is in it so deep she can't easily escape.

Our children are better served learning that nobody should use violence against anyone, ever and that we are all equal in value and potential.

Yep, completely bizarre. Even when you explain yourself you are told that of course its the same. Sorry this does not reflect most people's experiences or beliefs in my experience and I think I do live in the real world!

"if you hit a female then it is completely unacceptable and that no matter what a girl does or says to you then if you respond with physical violence then it's not acceptable" I think this is crap and this leads to men being domestic violence victims. My husband was taught never to hit a woman, he ended up with a woman who had no shame in attacking him when she felt like it, even kicking him in the balls in public. I teach my kids that you dont hit anyone, but you do defend yourself, if someone hits you, you disarm, if you have to hit back, do it. If you are big enough to hit, your big enough to get hit. Gender doesn't matter.

The teacher was "politically" correct.

It's unacceptable to hit anyone and particularly unacceptable to hit someone smaller or weaker than you under any circumstances

Some one said this right at the beginning- which given the age of the children was all that needed to be said. This is not the time or the place for an analysis of women as a class being oppressed by the patriarchy.

I would be very worried if my daughter was in a class with a boy who hit her whereas the altercation my son had with the other boy was just a playground interaction that largely got out of hand when they were being physical

I would be very worried if my child was being hit by another child regardless of their sex. I have a son. I am not aware of his ever being involved in a playground interaction that largely got out of hand when they were being physical but I certainly wouldn't just think "oh boys will be boys " if hehad.

@newtlover - we all know that violence is wrong but that there is a profound difference between it being expressed against a girl by a boy within a school peer setting. We are not acknowledging the day to day reality of how boys and girls play and interact with each other and how the boundary that is crossed when a boy hits a girl is different to a boy hitting a boy if we are just to say that they are one and the same.

@Lass good for you, but it has happened to me. It was upsetting but I was able to rationalise it when speaking to the teacher about how the play by the other boy just became more physical. Just because it has never happened to you does not mean that such things have never occurred. Your post is a tad annoying and if you fail to see the difference then that is a flaw in your thinking, not mine.

When did it become "old fashioned" to be a decent man who believes it's wrong to hit women? Is this really what we have come to? I don't think so.
I think we are evolved enough that "chivalry" if you want to call it that, does not have to have a flip side that is abusive or belittling of women. Any reasonable man knows that physical size and strength has no bearing on intelligence, aptitude or anything else. The idea is ludicrous. Why can't people grasp the distinction?

what boundary is crossed?
It was shown on the TV programme about gender that pre puberty boys and girls are equally strong- although both believed that boys were stronger. The day to day reality was also shown to be toxic both for girls (who routinely underestimate their abilities) and for boys (who are emotionally illiterate, only able to express anger and frustration)
If you are happy with the staus quo that's your perogative but it's damaging our kids. And, as I indicated, DV is rooted in the pwer imbalance we see all around us which is reinforced when adults tell little boys they mustn't hit girls (as they are so weak and defenceless)

arghhhhhh
a decent man believes it is wrong to hit ANYONE
why can't people grasp that?

Way to miss a point Marinade. I will reiterate.

If my son had got involved in "a playground interaction that largely got out of hand when they were being physical" I certainly wouldn't just think "oh boys will be boys " and let it be.