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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About DP and online shopping

244 replies

blackjacker · 07/09/2017 18:20

So I'm pretty sure on the whole I'm not BU but there are a couple of aspects that are possibly U.

My DSC visit every weekend and until I had my DS (6 months) I meal planned and cooked pretty much every night, including the nights his kids stayed. Once DS was born I asked that he take on meal planning, shopping and cooking the nights DSC are here. We shop online, in practise this means I still do the bulk of planning and shopping and he has the login and can add whatever he wants or needs for the weekend. The shop comes the same day every week and the cut off for editing is the same every bloody week. For 6 months I have had to remind him that a) his kids need feeding and b) to add stuff to the shop. This isn't just one reminder, I'm usually texting him right up to the cut off time and as he doesn't like the website he usually asks me to add his items.

So last week I reminded him as per usual and he asks me to add a couple of snacky bits and some wine. Nothing for the DSC meals. I decided not to highlight this and let him deal with the fallout. Lo and behold the weekend comes, he asks me what's for dinner (ffs) and I remind him it's his responsibility at the weekend and he didn't order anything. He was super pissed off that he had to go to the supermarket and said we were meant to be a team Hmm. I said I'm not reminding him anymore, he needs to be organised enough to sort it himself.

This week, nothing added. Oh well, no dinner sorted for the weekend again but I'm fucking fuming. He will say he was working away but he wasn't working in middle of nowhere, there's evidently wifi as he's found time to game on his laptop in the hotel room.

This is all incredibly petty and at the end if the day the DSC miss out. I HAVE meals I could cook this weekend but how is he going to learn to take some responsibility? This has the mental load written all over it and I want him to see that he is relying on me to do all my jobs and remember to remind him to do his.

So AIBU? And if not, I need some bullet points on how to convey this to him in a calm, non argumentative way. I'm on mat leave at the moment but this is the tip of the iceberg and just one example when it comes to division of labour and I can't see things changing when I go back I work (especially as things were no different when I was actually at work).

OP posts:
SilverBirchTree · 08/09/2017 09:17

NapMeister, I agree. So depressing to read all these comments basically telling OP to be a good little 50s wife.

ZaphodBeeblerox · 08/09/2017 09:26

I feel like the step kids is a bit of a red herring. Basically you want to shop and meal plan for the week for everyone in the household, and you want him to do the same for the weekend. Fair enough.

Presumably given how your DH acts if you try to do one week on and one week off he'll just "forget" the week he is off and you and DC will be left with no food in the house because he's working away anyway? He sounds like a pain.

Just leave him off the online shop, let him pickup the weekend bits on a Saturday morning from an actual shop when he realises there is nothing in the house. And then let him get on with it. I don't think YABU. It sounds petty because the DSC are only there on weekends, but if they were around EOW or were around all the time and you had the same arrangement (5 days you sort 2 days he sorts) then it's still perfectly fair.

And yes - if you don't put your foot down now it's only going to get worse in the years to come. It isn't the shopping per se. It's the stubborn insistence that you need to be "responsible" while he can flit in and out of running a household as he pleases.

timeisnotaline · 08/09/2017 09:29

I think zaphod might have a suggestion. Split the shopping. We shop several times a week, it's perfectly normal. He doesn't have to do it online, he can do it however he wants to. Not your problem.

Rufustherenegadereindeer1 · 08/09/2017 09:39

Yep agree with time

lljkk · 08/09/2017 09:40

She now has to instigate the online shop, make & print list with multiple options for DSC, discuss with DSC, remind DSC and DP to discuss and probably also remind DP to 'pop it on the list'

I'm intrigued how many people frequently consult their kids about what to cook and in meal planning. Mine would choose pizza & chips every time! They think it's a privilege if they get to choose biscuits we buy.

I still think a good resolution is OP still does all shopping & meal plans but her husband cooks ALL weekend meals including when DSC not there (meals chosen by OP that she knows her DH can cook). They can negotiate on washing up duties.

charlestonchaplin · 08/09/2017 09:49

To those saying, 'Never give someone half a job', duh! Can't you see that the job is to plan and prepare meals at the weekend. She isn't giving him half a job. He isn't expected to shop for the family. The OP does that. To help him she will add whatever he has decided to cook onto the online shop. Adding a few items isn't sharing the online grocery shopping. However, if that is a problem for him I suggest the OP just quietly reminds him Friday evening/Saturday morning that he needs to think about the meals for the weekend.

This thread has shown, as I knew it would from the start, that people will always try to paint you as a wicked stepmother. If that is a problem for you, regardless of the unfairness of the situation, find a different way to divide up the household responsibilities.

NoMoreNotToday · 08/09/2017 10:04

You are not being unreasonable at all op.

His teamwork remark is manipulative imo.

If he agreed to this he should stick to it or resolve it himself. But you also need to stay out of it and stop picking up the slack when he doesn't do this.

Personally I'd be inclined to say that as he isn't confident with the website or well practiced at meal planning he takes on full responsibility for all meal planning and shopping. He can do so on Friday night so he can check what his likes if he doesn't already know and keep up to date with their current preferences. He can cook at the weekends, at least 2 meals each day imo and teach his dc (including your ds when old enough) how to do so. I'd also expect some batch cooking frozen every weekend so you all can get an easy meal on the days you are too tired from adjusting to work with teething baby who decides to pull an all nighter.

You are 100% right about the mental load but keeping on carrying it doesn't resolve the load allways falling on you. I'd let it fall to shit now before you are back at work. Either he will realise and step up or you can seriously think about what your expectations of the relationship verses the reality.

Rufustherenegadereindeer1 · 08/09/2017 10:07

lijkk

I sometimes work in the evening so two meals had to be what ds1 could cook

They do their menu, i do mine and dh

Throughtout the week the children or dh or i might add something to the list on the fridge

Dh uses the fridge list to do the online shop

It works perfectly in my house

But i have to agree with silver, if it worked anything like the impression i seem to have given i certainly wouldnt bloody do it Grin

And my children were about 14, 11 and 10 when they started deciding

Usually take out on Saturday and a family meal on Sunday

slapmyarseandcallmemary · 08/09/2017 10:08

Yanbu my dp is the same. Does my head in.

ChickenBhuna · 08/09/2017 10:10

She's not a wicked step mother at all! I think most of us are merely saying that there might be a better way to divide the work before we potentially get to the "feckless man!" "LTB" labelling.

It would annoy me having to share an online shop with my DP , also he's perfectly capable of opening an online account with his supermarket of choice and deciding what meals we'll have when it's his turn as we do alternate weeks.

Equally if he really wanted to go to the supermarket instead of using his online shopping account that's fine too.

Rufustherenegadereindeer1 · 08/09/2017 10:16

We do a big shop to get free delivery

We usually end up in a supermarket on a Saturday anyway picking up treats or 'takeaway'

And then one of us picking up bread!!

Aderyn17 · 08/09/2017 10:18

YANBU at all.
This has become a battle of wills and he is employing that well known tactic of doing something badly for so long that you take over. I don't buy for one minute that he forgets - he cba and wants you to do it. As has been said, I bet he doesn't forget how to do his job!
You have drawn your line in the sand and if you back down he will forever take the piss.

Of course he should be looking after his children - they should be seeing their male parent actively parenting, instead of sitting on his arse while the female parents do all the work. He should be sharing the cooking, which is a relentless task.

And yy to keeping up with your career - he is certainly putting himself first and so must you - you don't want to be going back to work and doing all the wifework. It's good that you are aware of mental load now, while your baby is still small and you can call a halt to it before it becomes ingrained behaviour.

Aworldofmyown · 08/09/2017 10:26

Why don't you order the shopping for everyone and he cooks it at the weekend?

All seems a bit complicated tbh - I don't really understand why your separating his kids out. If you need help then tell him to help in general.

motherinferior · 08/09/2017 10:28

It's NOT HELP!

TheGoodEnoughWife · 08/09/2017 10:36

Why don't you order the shopping for everyone and he cooks it at the weekend?

Why should she?! Why should she have to think about what to cook, what meals to have, what is required and order it? He is a grown adult who is more than capable but either doesn't want to or doesn't see it as his responsibility or a bit of both.

And he is not 'helping'! This term implies it is all the OPs responsibility and he might, occasionally, see fit to help out. These are his children (yep, including the shared child) and his wife. Why shouldn't he take responsibility to feed them at the weekend?!

TheGoodEnoughWife · 08/09/2017 10:36

Why don't you order the shopping for everyone and he cooks it at the weekend?

Why should she?! Why should she have to think about what to cook, what meals to have, what is required and order it? He is a grown adult who is more than capable but either doesn't want to or doesn't see it as his responsibility or a bit of both.

And he is not 'helping'! This term implies it is all the OPs responsibility and he might, occasionally, see fit to help out. These are his children (yep, including the shared child) and his wife. Why shouldn't he take responsibility to feed them at the weekend?!

TheGoodEnoughWife · 08/09/2017 10:36

Double post and bold fail!

Aworldofmyown · 08/09/2017 10:36

mother please insert whatever word you would prefer.

Aworldofmyown · 08/09/2017 10:38

Are they not a family?

motherinferior · 08/09/2017 10:40

It's 'taking basic responsibility for his own household'.

TheGoodEnoughWife · 08/09/2017 10:41

Yes they are a family. What's your point?

Yes they are a team as well.

That does not mean he gets to pick and choose what he does and the OP should ask for 'help' if he is not doing it.
Or be the default shopper/cook/skivvy.

StormTreader · 08/09/2017 10:41

Since when has "I thought we were a team" meant "I thought you'd do it for me because I couldnt be arsed"?

motherinferior · 08/09/2017 10:42

Yes, he is part of a family but seems not to acknowledge that! As a parent, it's part of his role to feed and look after his children.

I also think it is part of his role as a father to show that men take domestic stuff on - that they care enough about their children to make their dinner.

Aworldofmyown · 08/09/2017 10:43

Clearly the definition of 'help' is very subjective here.

In my family we help each other out on a day to day basis in order to function together - we don't alway immediately know what the other members want or need so sometimes yes (good lord) we have to ask for help.

It also sound rather like the OP doesn't want to share the load she wants to delegate the load as and where she sees fit, that I don't think is fair.

TheGoodEnoughWife · 08/09/2017 10:43

I can imagine how lovely it would be for the OP to not have to think about or organise meals every weekend. To just not have to give any headspace to the what/how/when bit of meals for two whole days.

Like the dh has mon-fri...