About DP and online shopping

[blackjacker]

So I'm pretty sure on the whole I'm not BU but there are a couple of aspects that are possibly U.

My DSC visit every weekend and until I had my DS (6 months) I meal planned and cooked pretty much every night, including the nights his kids stayed. Once DS was born I asked that he take on meal planning, shopping and cooking the nights DSC are here. We shop online, in practise this means I still do the bulk of planning and shopping and he has the login and can add whatever he wants or needs for the weekend. The shop comes the same day every week and the cut off for editing is the same every bloody week. For 6 months I have had to remind him that a) his kids need feeding and b) to add stuff to the shop. This isn't just one reminder, I'm usually texting him right up to the cut off time and as he doesn't like the website he usually asks me to add his items.

So last week I reminded him as per usual and he asks me to add a couple of snacky bits and some wine. Nothing for the DSC meals. I decided not to highlight this and let him deal with the fallout. Lo and behold the weekend comes, he asks me what's for dinner (ffs) and I remind him it's his responsibility at the weekend and he didn't order anything. He was super pissed off that he had to go to the supermarket and said we were meant to be a team . I said I'm not reminding him anymore, he needs to be organised enough to sort it himself.

This week, nothing added. Oh well, no dinner sorted for the weekend again but I'm fucking fuming. He will say he was working away but he wasn't working in middle of nowhere, there's evidently wifi as he's found time to game on his laptop in the hotel room.

This is all incredibly petty and at the end if the day the DSC miss out. I HAVE meals I could cook this weekend but how is he going to learn to take some responsibility? This has the mental load written all over it and I want him to see that he is relying on me to do all my jobs and remember to remind him to do his.

So AIBU? And if not, I need some bullet points on how to convey this to him in a calm, non argumentative way. I'm on mat leave at the moment but this is the tip of the iceberg and just one example when it comes to division of labour and I can't see things changing when I go back I work (especially as things were no different when I was actually at work).

Rufus, I think your solution misses the point. DP accepted full responsibility for the weekend evening meals and isn't doing it.

Your solution puts the weekend meals back on OP's to do list. She now has to instigate the online shop, make & print list with multiple options for DSC, discuss with DSC, remind DSC and DP to discuss and probably also remind DP to 'pop it on the list'

That's more work for OP, when these two meals are her one break in the week! He's meant to do all of it, like an adult.

I think that you need to accept that this particular division of labour isn't working, so is there a different division (ideally involving more effort on his part) that would work? - for example, could you plan and order all of the food but he make more than 2 meals, etc.
Another suggestion is that you just order the same food every weekend but make it 'flexible' food, e.g. mince which he can make into bolognaise one week, chilli the next, homemade burgers the next.
Final suggestion is to order in some of those boxes where everything is supplied for you to make the meal but I think they might expensive.

Holly crap. How can the op sound like hard work when she does all the work? And after 6 months her dp who presumably is competent at his job and non wifework life items hasn't worked out how to do one thing at home to a deadline?? As for the people suggesting op think of a different division why the fuck should she do all this thinking? When is it his job to think about the division of labour?? I need agree be careful how it looks to the children but YADDDDNBU. But I'd have gone postal at the 'I thought we are a team'comment and stopped doing anything at all for him ever. He can pick up his game and be an active member of the team or he can get out. I do use a similar team type comment to my husband, but my angle is if you're performing at a junior level who mostly does simple tasks when told and I could cover your role by hiring someone at the minimum wage, you're not fit for the team. This marriage is Management level commitment only.

If your household MUST meal plan (we don't meal plan & nor do we waste food)

I don't meal plan for the whole week as I can never envisage what I want to eat in six days time - but I tend to do 2/3 small shops throughout the week - fortunately I live and work very near a couple of supermarkets so I pick up what I need - I don't waste food either.

I've never shopped on-line either .

"Poor DP should be given an easier job"

Well I never said that. I said he should be given a different job. Do you see the distinction?

"people are saying choose your battles, I guess this is the battle I've chosen and I'm being stubborn about it because if I let it go I'm doing everything plus the baby"

Well that is a problem - again you should give him more things to do, so you aren't locked in battle over this one issue. Delegate the entire cooking load to him if you want to. But stop splitting the online shopping. Seriously, no one will be able to make that work. Send him to the shop instead if you think that'll bring things home for him.

@Mirrorballfrog:

Not meal-planning & not wasting food, probably works because we have "boring" meals.

So our meals have:
starch, meaty thing (could mean eggs), lots of veg.

Starch = pasta, rice, spuds, they store well
Veg = in fridge, so keeps well
Meat = needs eating soon but can be frozen or thawed if we get an over supply.

(pizza counts as both starch+meat)

So we might usually have 2 meals worth of starch-meat-veg things in the house. Any left overs, we have for lunch next day or gets added to someone's plate next night. What to cook for evening or eat for lunch depends on what is in fridge & will go off first.

Last night was roasties, boiled potatoes, roast parsnip, lots of steamed veg & grilled chicken. Kids add nothing, DH adds butter & I added a little curry paste. Kids like biscuits for pudding & I also made an apple crumble.

I can't believe the comments you are getting OP. There's a difference between sticking 2 fish fingers and some oven chips in for two 6 year olds, and cooking a chicken dinner for 2 adults and strapping teenagers.

I've tried this with my DH but he can't manage it (can supervise a team at work though), he ends up ordering a take away.

Try doing it in stages: Still plan and shop, but he cooks. Then you plan and he shops and cooks etc.

Well I never said that. I said he should be given a different job. Do you see the distinction?

But the issue is the common factor of 'should be given'.

silver

I see what you are saying

But at no point did i say for her to start or instigate the list in my post

My suggestion (honestly wasnt meant as a solution) is for the children to do the menu planning in effect and get daddy to do it

So when daddy doesnt put it on the list its daddys fault

And as i said one list, not a new one every week

If dsc and daddy dont discuss it its out of the OPs hands

To be honest i would stop doing the online list and get my partner to do it which i think would be the OPs choice

But it delends on the childrens age, my children were capable at about 12 of planning what they wanted to eat...but it wouldnt have worked if they were 5

I'm really surprised at all the you are unreasonable posts, how is he being a team player by not bothering to do his share? Yes mental load, I would keep doing what you're doing till he sorts his shit out! Hi

Ignore hi!!

I don't think you are being unreasonable, and I don't think you need a list of bullet points (that in itself is mental load). You have started to demonstrate that you will not pick up his responsibility, so he may be off to the supermarket last minute every week or he may find a solution (don't find it for him). If he brings it up, you could say 'well if you want to make a proposal about doing things differently, I'll listen and consider, otherwise I am sticking to what we agreed'. I think this is important and it is not about dsc, it is about family life and load.

I don't think yabu to expect him to do his fair share at the weekend when his dcs come however splitting one task like the shopping is a little silly, just do a shop and get something you know he can cook for them and just tell him I've got it for him to cook for them. U defo need to sit him down and share our jobs and maybe write it down so he can't come back and say he didn't know!

"Just out of interest, if I'd said I have two older DC instead of DSC would that change things?"

Yep! Sure would. You have to tread carefully when there are stepchildren involved and you should know that.

Like I said - get him to cook every night (or batch cook on a Sunday, after a few weeks you will have a rotatable mix of things to eat at night. But give up on the shared internet shop. It just isn't going to happen, stop being stubborn about it.

To the poster who pointed out that the OP is still having to delegate and that's the problem - yes I agree, it's irritating. But it isn't going to change and they should therefore come up with a split that both are happy with (esp the OP as she has a very difficult job at the moment). If that means the OP is "manager" but DP cooks every night, cleans the house every Saturday and does all the night feeds, so be it.

But insisting on the split internet shop won't work, and saying "I refuse to cook for the stepkids" will cause real harm.

Ooh. This is a tough one. I do understand where you are coming from because I am at home with kids and do 99% of the housework, so I totally get that you feel he should organise and cook at the weekend so you have a break from at least some of it. But it comes across a bit strange that you are effectively refusing the feed the dsc.
Unless he works insanely long hours and is never home he really needs to help out witj some house stuff in the evening and at weekends. We don't have an agreement as such but OH's tasks have ended up being clear up after weekday dinner ( including toddler related carnage) empty dishwasher, and cook Saturday and Sunday. He also
does the weekend shopping at least half the time. This is far from a 50/50 split as I do all laundry, cleaning, meal planning, shopping lists, midweek shopping, household admin. However, it's probably fair(ish) given that I'm home all day while he's at work.
I would suggest that you meal plan and online shop together one night after discussion about what dsc would like for their tea, that way either of you can cook on the day as you know what is there and planned. I'd say you need to come to an agreement that he takes certain tasks which fit around his work hours. I would try explaining to him calmly that you feel frustrated if you have to remind him constantly, and perhaps he could set a reminder on his phone instead. once he gets into a routine of doing something he should hopefully stop forgetting!

Whatever solution has to include dp doing the thhinking. Just doing the cooking is not enough. I can't tel you how good it felt when I made writing the shopping list part of doing the shopping, so when dp generously offered to run up to the shops he also had to think, instead of making me stop whatever I was doing and jump into thinking for the family.

I can see why his first marriage broke down.

I think you you are over complicating things and adding stress unnecessarily. How long does it take to amend an online shop on an app on a phone, why don't you just ask for ideas on what you will all eat, order it, and then whoever has the time can cook it.

I do all the shopping and meal planning in my house. Dp does the work I don't enjoy. Win win

By the way OP in case it is not clear (I sometimes forget to qualify as I think it'll be taken as read) - I am "on your side", I think it's really easy for men to be absolutely shit when babies are born. They simply don't get how exhausted you are, how much work you are doing. I completely believe that he is not doing enough.
I just think that you should divide the load differently - and put more of the work into his court, instead of fighting over this one particular issue.
I agree with a PP "never give someone half a job", that's all

What is this "meal planning" that takes so much time?
Seriously, every week buy a couple of pizzas, but some breaded chicken, a couple of pork chops, some mince and some salmon. Joint for Sunday, or gammon or something.

Make sure there's veg, spuds and fruit. Then the rest is checking stock cupboard ( cereal, tea bags etc)

Then, when it's time to cook, just choose one of those and make a meal.

For the disc just have a few meals that can alternate - pizza, cheese on toast, fish fingers and chips, baked potatoes and beans, etc. Buy that.

I think it's easy if you just do that on the online shop and then dp can cook what you've bought. Of he doesn't want to cook what you've bought then he can do the shopping.

To the poster who pointed out that the OP is still having to delegate and that's the problem - yes I agree, it's irritating. But it isn't going to change and they should therefore come up with a split that both are happy with (esp the OP as she has a very difficult job at the moment). If that means the OP is "manager" but DP cooks every night, cleans the house every Saturday and does all the night feeds, so be it.

I know what you mean about compromise and being realistic. Two issues with this though - the main one is that she doesn't want to and shouldn't have to be full-time household manager. That's another word for the mental load. The second is that even if she did agree to that, is a man who can't be arsed to log into a website and click on the words 'fish fingers' actually going to cook every night, or clean the house every Saturday, or do all the night feeds (that one would imo be an unreasonable ask if he's full time WOH, but the point stands)?

It might sound uncompromising but the only solution I'd be happy with in the OP's position is her husband sorting his shit out starting today and doing at the very least what was agreed and preferably more. Apart from anything else I would find this unbearably unattractive and would struggle to have any semblance of intimacy with him let alone sex.

Wow at these comments. OP YANBU. Competent adult can't be bothered to do task he finds mundane, so shirks it and that's okay? The DC/DSC thing is a red herring. Cooking twice in a week, for ALL his family is too much for him to plan for but he can remember his wine? Totally selective, totally deliberate. The solution is certainly not to dumb down his tasks to something he can "handle".

I am genuinely shocked at the tone of most of these responses.

Instead of sharing the online shop, Just do your own online shop for the week, and leave him to sort out how he would like to obtain groceries for the meals he is responsible for. Don't give it another thought. If he complains again, you can certainly point out all the ways you tried to make his weekend cooking easier, but he didn't play ball.

I hope you don't live too far from the shops!

You're not being unreasonable. He should be perfectly capable of doing an online shop.