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AIBU?

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Original poster

To rehome a dog when DH doesn't like dogs

527 replies

butterflyparadise · 06/09/2017 09:48

Please help me. I have 2 other threads running about this through a couple of stages of my situation.

Long story short (more background in my other threads) I had a dog with my ex, Bella, she is a cross breed who is approx 12. Ex kept her but now he's moved abroad with work and can't take her which was the original plan. Bella has been in kennels for a few months.

My DH and I have preschool twins and a cat. I have exhausted all rehoming options with friends/family. I had hurdles to overcome before I could consider rehoming her myself.

I love this dog, she was my baby. DH does not like dogs. He listened to me and how I felt about Bella and her situation. Taking her ourselves wasn't a distinct possibility until now. So we've not needed to have a proper chat about it as all the obstacles were reasons not to take her. These have all been sorted, we could take her.

DH has now said he doesn't want to. He says we're on complete opposites about it. I like dogs, he doesn't. I have an emotional attachment to her, he doesn't. He doesn't like the noise, the clattering of claws on laminate, the barking goes right through him, being tied to having to get back to a dog etc. The walks, the extra responsibility etc. I see these as things we just have to deal with and overcome.

He says he'd do it but only because he knows it would make me happy.

He's stressed at work and in general, he's been pretty miserable lately as a whole.

Now I'm in limbo. We wouldn't be taking right away, there would be a transitional period for everyone to get used to everyone and she would stay in kennels until then.

I've asked if we could take her as an interim and see if we could rehome her to someone else but at least getting her out of kennels. And with me secretly hoping DH would let us keep her.... He replied that I wouldn't want to give her up.

AIBU to take her despite DH's feelings?

OP posts:
TheEmmaDilemma · 06/09/2017 17:56

If it's any consolation, I didn't want cats. Got one for my exh and fell in love. Got another quickly after.

Then I met DP. He had a dog. An old dog. I didn't like dogs much.

I love that dog more than words could say now.

And him and the old cats now all live together in, well, good toleration!

Ladydepp · 06/09/2017 18:03

I would 100% take the dog. You took in his cat and this is YOUR dog, not some random strange dog. And the dog is 12 and you have promised to do all the care.

It's not like he is scared of dogs. Ignore the dog haters and give your Bella her retirement home.

woodpecker2 · 06/09/2017 18:08

Another take the dog, your dog, your commitment to her for her life. If it really doesn't work out you can look at options.

zwellers · 06/09/2017 19:12

Yabu. But let's face you have practically made up your mind you are going to get the dog. So you need to manage that. What will your husband think about the inevitable vets bills that will come with a dog of this age. Are you sure she will fine with kids. What about leaving the dog alone in the day/weekends. Will your husband resent things been limited because you are tied to the dog. I feel sorry for your dh really. If he doesn't get the dog helps a heartless monster. If he does get the dog he's stuck with an animal in his house he doesn't like. And whys it become your problem and not your ex/his family if he has had the dog for years or did you involive yourself.

Original poster
butterflyparadise · 06/09/2017 19:21

It long back back home from visiting Bella. I don't think it could have gone any better unless DH had said "what was I thinking butterfly?! Of course we should take her. I heart Bella"

The kids LOVED her. One of the twins doesn't like dogs as much as a 4 year old can. But she was wanting to take the lead the whole time and feeding her treats. They have been asking since we went back in the car why does Bella have to stay in the kennels/can we bring her home with us live. I was very surprised by how that went this evening.

We stopped at the supermarket on the way home and I took 1 of the twins to the toilet and came back to dog treats in the trolley. I asked DH what they were doing in there and he shrugged and said well I guess we'll be needing them....! We haven't spoken about it yet, will do a bit later once the twins are in bed. I think he was hoping the twins would not get on with her and that would another thing he could use against it Grin

OP posts:
alwayslearning789 · 06/09/2017 19:23

"And whys it become your problem and not your ex/his family if he has had the dog for years"

^ This

Why does the ex feel he can dump this on you? I wouldn't be happy if I was the current DP.

Alittlepotofrosie · 06/09/2017 19:24

Thats positive then! That he's buying treats!

SoPassRemarkable · 06/09/2017 19:26

Sounds positive.

Do you think Bella remembered you?

indigox · 06/09/2017 19:33

I'd leave if someone moved a dog into my home.

Original poster
butterflyparadise · 06/09/2017 19:36

I'm not sure if she remembers me tbh. I thought there moments she might have but I think it's more that she was interested in my pocket where the treats were kept!

I've made it my problem because I feel a responsibility towards her and I'm here and ex is thousands of miles away.

OP posts:
Spudlet · 06/09/2017 19:40

Thing is, this isn't 'a dog'. This is 'your dog'. That makes it totally different IMO.

Your DH sounds like a good'un, he hasn't said categorically no, he's been willing to try. And a 12 year old dog is a very different prospect to a puppy.

If it helps - DH liked dogs but really didn't like mine when we first met (ddog was a bugger to be fair and was trying very hard to get rid of the interloper!). Now the furry little traitor is his dog and I'm a poor second. They have a real bromance going on Envy

AlmostAJillSandwich · 06/09/2017 19:45

You are being massively unreasonable.
Was she your exes dog before you got together that you just became a part of her life, or did you go and choose her as a couple and she was always your shared dog that you gave up your 50% ownership of when you split?
Tbh if he kept the dog when you split up i don't think it is the same at all as you meeting your DH and him having a cat you agreed to tolerate when you're not a "cat person". The dog hasn't been your dog or responsibility since you and ex split up and it was decided he would keep her. Presumably it's been several years since you were involved with caring for her as you've met DH, married and had children. Bringing the dog in to this is completely unfair on your DH, you didn't have the dog when you met so he didnt agree to take you as a package like you did with him and the cat, and now, however you dress it up, you're trying to force him into taking her in when he doesn't want to. YOU knew he had a cat when you got together, chose to accept it, move in etc. You came to the relationship alone, he didn't choose to accept you and your dog, because it wasn't, and still isn't, your dog.
You've said he's miserable and stressed, bringing an animal he doesn't want in to the home isn't fair and will make him feel worse. Will the cat even tolerate a dog? It was the cats home and family first, if he or she doesn't like dogs, you could cause major distress to the poor cat which is cruel and unfair, or be left with a cat and dog that don't get on and the cat attacking the dog, which won't be good for either of them.

It's unfortunate the dog has ended up in the situation she is in, but BOTH you and DH need to be 100% committed to rehoming her and DH clearly isn't. You gave her up a long time ago, and your living situation has changed. You can't just overrule everyone else and decide that you want her so you're having her back.

SoPassRemarkable · 06/09/2017 19:50

If he's miserable the dog may actually make him less miserable. Isn't it proven that dogs lower stress levels, etc. Anyway, the man is buying packets of dog treats now!

NachoAddict · 06/09/2017 19:50

Why does the DH not wanting the dog trump the OP wanting tbe dog. Why are his feelings more important? Not like he is phobic or allergic, just not keen.

Glad to see be is coming round to the idea.

NoFucksImAQueen · 06/09/2017 20:00

Glad it went well. What breed is she?

DanHumphreyIsA · 06/09/2017 20:03

That's good OP, I was about to comment you should atleast give it a trial run. Its not like you've decided to take in a random dog, our of nowhere. You feel like you have no other option at the moment, and as others have said its very hard to rehome an old dog, or other per for that matter.

FWIW I wanted to get a cat (not for entertainment purposes, as another PP has suggested) and my DH wasn't keen at first. We went to visit a shelter one day, as we were passing by, and my DH wanted to come back with every animal he saw in a cage there.

Our first cat picked us tbh, jumping on my shoulder, and it was my DH that said we needed to take her there and then.

People are different, but some people like animals, and want to give them a good life.

I hope it all works out, do let us know how your DH responds.

Mittens1969 · 06/09/2017 20:12

@AlmostAJillSandwich, looks like you're a bit behind, the OP's DH has come round to the idea and the children are well excited. Now it's just a question of whether it's going to work out when Bella moves in.

My DH wasn't at all sure about having a cat when I married him, but he came round to the idea in his own time. Now we have four and they're all part of the family.

It could go either way with Bella, but it's a positive start.

Booboostwo · 06/09/2017 20:12

So glad the visit went well! Hope your DH comes out with a yes for Bella soon!

Of course she remembers you, dogs have excellent memories and you used to be a big part of her life.

Original poster
butterflyparadise · 06/09/2017 20:21

@Booboostwo thank you for saying that. We took Bella in after her previous owner couldn't look after her after rescuing her from a shelter, she was about 2 when we got her. The thought of her being in kennels now is awful considering her start in life.

OP posts:
AboutAGallonofDietCoke · 06/09/2017 20:21

A bit peeved all the posters saying just do it.....with a pre existing cat in the house.

That's really not fair on the cat. Carnage would ensue if I dared to bring another pet onto my fat old tom cats territory. No amount of slow introduction would appease him and it would be incredibly stressful for him.

As much as I can understand the emotions at play here, the cat is the 'pre existing' pet in THIS home and to subject it to a dog isn't fair.

It would be no fun, stressful and potentially dangerous for the cat or the dog! Plus there are specialist rehoming centres for older dogs.

I'd love a dog but I have to wait till my old boy passes.

As for the humans feelings in all this, we have logic we can adjust and cope.

AboutAGallonofDietCoke · 06/09/2017 20:25

Just seen the update - tbh feels a bit like the opinion is to just not care about the reaction of the poor pet cat

honeyroar · 06/09/2017 20:26

That's very optimistic. Fingers crossed.

honeyroar · 06/09/2017 20:28

My cats have always got used to new dogs if given time and space. That has already been discussed on a previous thread, OP has baby gates ready..

Original poster
butterflyparadise · 06/09/2017 20:31

@AboutAGallonofDietCoke that's simply not true. I spoke to Bella's vet today for advice on introducing her to the cat. They gave me lots of good advice and recommended some plugins that have been recommended on here on the previous thread of mine. I will do my best to try and make this as stress free as possible for the kids, dog, cat and DH as much as I can within my ability.

OP posts:
AboutAGallonofDietCoke · 06/09/2017 20:33

Honeyroar that's not the same for all cats. Mine definitely would not stand for it and would end up a homeless stray. They are territorial animals.
Some may learn to tolerate it after being very stressed by it all, mine would have the dogs eyes out and/or end up a stray again.
Sorry in my opinion this isn't fair to upset the current pet like this when other rehoming solutions can be used.

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