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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To rehome a dog when DH doesn't like dogs

527 replies

butterflyparadise · 06/09/2017 09:48

Please help me. I have 2 other threads running about this through a couple of stages of my situation.

Long story short (more background in my other threads) I had a dog with my ex, Bella, she is a cross breed who is approx 12. Ex kept her but now he's moved abroad with work and can't take her which was the original plan. Bella has been in kennels for a few months.

My DH and I have preschool twins and a cat. I have exhausted all rehoming options with friends/family. I had hurdles to overcome before I could consider rehoming her myself.

I love this dog, she was my baby. DH does not like dogs. He listened to me and how I felt about Bella and her situation. Taking her ourselves wasn't a distinct possibility until now. So we've not needed to have a proper chat about it as all the obstacles were reasons not to take her. These have all been sorted, we could take her.

DH has now said he doesn't want to. He says we're on complete opposites about it. I like dogs, he doesn't. I have an emotional attachment to her, he doesn't. He doesn't like the noise, the clattering of claws on laminate, the barking goes right through him, being tied to having to get back to a dog etc. The walks, the extra responsibility etc. I see these as things we just have to deal with and overcome.

He says he'd do it but only because he knows it would make me happy.

He's stressed at work and in general, he's been pretty miserable lately as a whole.

Now I'm in limbo. We wouldn't be taking right away, there would be a transitional period for everyone to get used to everyone and she would stay in kennels until then.

I've asked if we could take her as an interim and see if we could rehome her to someone else but at least getting her out of kennels. And with me secretly hoping DH would let us keep her.... He replied that I wouldn't want to give her up.

AIBU to take her despite DH's feelings?

OP posts:
Original poster
butterflyparadise · 27/09/2017 10:48

I contacted Black retriever X a couple of days ago but they haven't responded as yet.

Called Dogs Trust but they're just for rehoming. Got a vets appt this afternoon so will hopefully get some medication then and some advice.

OP posts:
Adarajames · 27/09/2017 11:46

Poor Bella, sounds really confused and stressed. When my elderly dog was starting to get a bit confused and wobbly after a stroke, the vet gave us some tablets that were a bit of a general tonic and blood booster, can't remember the name unfortunately, but was amazing and really perked her up and settled her upset. Just looked through my box of dog meds but not in there, will update if name comes to me.

bouyou · 27/09/2017 12:14

Hi @butterflyparadise so sorry this is such a nightmare for you. I’ve had something a little bit similar a few weeks ago. If you search you’ll find it in dog house.

It’s horrible living in such a stressful environment where everyone is unhappy.

I have some zylkene I’m happy to post (free) if you wanted to try it?

Also consider a thunder Shirt? We’ve had good results with that.

Herechickychicky · 27/09/2017 12:32

Ask the vet for some short term low dose Valium while you're awaiting the behaviourist.

Have you managed to create a safe space for her yet? Quiet room with stair gate, crate, Kong with treats etc?

honeyroar · 27/09/2017 12:56

You wouldn't be wrong, at this point, if you thought about having her put to sleep. You've tried really hard, but your kids must be safe and you can't go on like this. Plus the dog shouldn't be going through so much stress. Try and stick it out until you can speak to the vet? But sending her to a rescue at this point, who may then send her to a fostered, and then perhaps a home (which may or may not work out, most likely not) is not the best thing for an elderly dog that is clearly stressed to the max at all the change already. And stuff what your ex says, he's let her down enough already. If this was my 11yr old dog and I couldn't make it work for her id have her PTS quietly rather than having her passed from pillar to post in the vain hope of finding her a home - at this point it's not the kind thing to do (would be different if she was younger). And I say that as someone with a house full of rescues who had been rooting for you and the dog from the start, but I think you were the only real chance she had, and even more so now we know how she is reacting to new homes.

FrogFairy · 27/09/2017 13:54

Agree with everything honeyroar has said.

If the vet/behaviourist cannot help then poor Bella is suffering so much stress her quality of life would not be good.

TheHoundsofLove · 27/09/2017 14:16

I also agree with honeyroar - if you reach a point where you feel that you have tried your best and that it isn't working out, it would be, IMO, far kinder to have her quietly PTS. Hopefully, it will not come to that, but it is also what I would do if she were my elderly dog and I couldn't make it work.
Older dogs do often take a while to adjust to changes though - we've not long moved with our elderly Lab and rescue Jack Russell and it has taken them a good couple of weeks to settle down - in times of stress, the Lab hides and the JR barks at everything that moves. And that is just a house move, still with their family, with all their familiar things around them, similar routine etc, so I don't think it unusual that she is struggling with such a huge change at her age. I really do hope that the vet visit is positive for you all.

Original poster
butterflyparadise · 27/09/2017 19:13

The visit to the vet went well. Bella has been prescribed medication to try and get her into a calm state to see if the behaviourist next week can help.

He recommended a thundershirt so that's ordered and a change in diet.

I'm not ready to have thoughts of her being PTS. I need to try everything I can first. Yes it's very difficult but I have lots of support from my parents and DH. He has been amazing really. So supportive which isn't surprising because of his character but considering his original thoughts on taking her in and now having to deal with her issues which is taxing even on me and I care about her!

I can't create a safe place for her, she's not interested. She just wants to be with me 24/7.

OP posts:
Original poster
butterflyparadise · 27/09/2017 19:23

Any advice on changing her diet in terms of what foods? He mentioned a couple of brands that do food specifically to help calm them down, Hills and something else I can't remember the name of! I was supposed to ask the receptionist but forgot.

The vet said it was to be higher in protein I think. The woman in the dog food shop said that go for meat as the highest ingredients but no animal derivatives. She also said that this could be affecting her mood, having a bad diet. She didn't recommend anything though!

OP posts:
thecatsabsentcojones · 27/09/2017 19:30

I totally disagree you're being unreasonable. This is your dog we're talking about, I think he's being incredibly selfish making you choose. Must be horrendous knowing your dog who is twelve is living a life in kennel. Being blunt she is towards the end of her life and deserves a loving home. There's a lot of dog haters on Mumsnet and you will get a lot of YABU's but I totally disagree. She's your baby, he shouldn't stand in your way.
Like my miserable bugger of a husband who will always have an objection to anything, he may even grow to love a dog. Yep mine didn't want one, but on the day our dog was put to sleep he cried and cried, he was totally heartbroken, and despite saying that our dogs are mine etc that's exactly what he'll do when they go.
Life is too short not to have a dog...

ShmooBooMoo · 27/09/2017 19:30

OP I'm glad the visit to the vet's went well and hopefully the meds will help get Bella's anxiety under control. The thunder shirt is a good idea too. You can't judge her just yet. Most dogs will settle once they realise they are in a safe place with kind people, and a routine.
I think, though it's a fair while ago and she's had severals home, she has remembered you, hence the attachment to you.
When she settles down, after a few walks with you & your DH and kids, consider having your DH / DH and children walk her without you. She needs to develop a bond with you all to some extent.
Please keep us posted and thank you for not giving up on her. I hope everything turns out well for Bella and you and your family.
I'd still consider specialist help but, in the meantime, it sounds like you are doing all the right things.
Please keep us updated.

Catsrus · 27/09/2017 19:30

I feed mine raw, it gives them something to work on, but not everyone is comfortable with that.

TheHoundsofLove · 27/09/2017 19:45

I'm also so glad that the vet visit went well, both for lovely Bella and also because you and your DH sound like good sorts. The more I've thought about it, the more I've remembered how much our JR incessantly barked at everything when we first rehomed her - it was awful at times - she was just frightened and calmed down once she realised that she was safe and was staying with us. Hopefully, Bella will be the same. Good luck to you all!

flutterby12 · 27/09/2017 19:54

I feel for you. I hope she settles x

Original poster
butterflyparadise · 27/09/2017 20:09

She's currently curled at my feet snoozing as she can finally relax now the children are in bed!

The support you've all given me has been fantastic. I appreciate it so much, it has helped me enormously when I'm been feeling overwhelmed and doubting myself and what I'm doing.

Flowers and Gin for you all!

OP posts:
Booboostwo · 27/09/2017 20:40

I'm so glad your vet is supportive. Sometimes there are good solutions to behavioral problems, so don't despair quite yet. Equally be very vigilant with her around the children until she calms down.

ColossalKalamari · 27/09/2017 20:58

I'm glad that you've got some things to work on with her but do remember that being pts is not the worst thing that can happen to a dog and if it gets to the stage you'd have to get rid of her, it would probably be kindest to pts rather than pass her on again. Hopefully the medication helps!

yolofish · 27/09/2017 21:04

James Wellbeloved is meant to be very good for 'sensitive' dogs, and I think there is also a Royal Canin one which is supposed to calm the nerves. hope she settles soon

LassWiTheDelicateAir · 27/09/2017 23:22

Good luck OP. Your husband sounds a real sweetie.

NoSquirrels · 27/09/2017 23:50

Ah , OP - both you and your DH sound great. I am rooting for you all. Poor old Bella - she's gone from a (presumably) single-male household to a kennels to a family of 2 adults plus 2+ kids ... at 11 that's major stress on stress on stress. No wonder she wants the reassurance of you nearby. Hope the thunder shirt works wonders.

LassWiTheDelicateAir · 27/09/2017 23:52

to a family of 2 adults plus 2+ kids ...

And a cat !

mrsjoyfulprizeforraffiawork · 28/09/2017 01:02

My dog is an anxious dog and came to me from rescue with the advice that I should feed food for her sensitive stomach. I give her Rocco Classic, a wet food, (I order it on line) - it has no grains or cereals and only fresh ingredients (they say) - it has a high meat content. Flavours are beef and another meat mixed (wide variety of choices - chicken, lamb, game, reindeer, tripe, poultry hearts, veal hearts, etc). She loves it. My home is quiet and childless so I don't have the same problems as you with your anxious dog, but mine is absolutely terrified of children and when we are out we cannot walk near them in case they approach and she will definitely think they are going to attack her and lunge at them to make them keep away (she was picked up as a stray in the inner city). She is clearly very frightened when she sees them (especially if they are on bikes). I wonder if your dog has had a bad experience with children in her life away from you.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 28/09/2017 04:19

You wouldn't be wrong, at this point, if you thought about having her put to sleep

Totally agree.

There are much worse fates for a dog than being given a gentle death. Don't rush into anything though. If you can, get her her own crate and cover it with a blanket. Tell your children that they NEVER bother her whence is in there.

She just wants to be with me 24/
You are obviously the one constant in her life ATM (your DH sounds lovely, but obviously needs to go out to work). Have you tried putting an old garment with your scent on it into her bed? This might make her feel more secure. I think she recalls you from when she lived with you.

Poor old girl - she has had so much to deal with and won't know if she's coming or going. If she isn't used to children their noise and rapid movements will seem very threatening to her. She is probably still terrified since her kennel experience. Also agree that walks with your DH and children are a good idea - and perhaps your children could put her food down for her so she associates them with nice things.

blueberrypie0112 · 28/09/2017 04:26

Did your DH knew you had a dog with your ex? If so, he should have expected this would happen as you have already developed attachment and love the dog and can’t bear to have your dog go to a shelter

SassySausageSupper · 28/09/2017 04:51

This is a good website for researching a new brand of food for her www.allaboutdogfood.co.uk

We feed our dog raw meat and I genuinely believe it does him the world of good. It could be worth trying that. If you have a backyard you can give her the food out there and depending what it is, can be something she takes her time eating and relaxes a bit.

Have you tried a crate? If you sit with her and treat her for going in it and lying down she’ll eventually learn it’s a safe space. The kids must totally leave her alone when she’s in there though, no poking, proding or invading the space.

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