To rehome a dog when DH doesn't like dogs

[butterflyparadise]

Please help me. I have 2 other threads running about this through a couple of stages of my situation.

Long story short (more background in my other threads) I had a dog with my ex, Bella, she is a cross breed who is approx 12. Ex kept her but now he's moved abroad with work and can't take her which was the original plan. Bella has been in kennels for a few months.

My DH and I have preschool twins and a cat. I have exhausted all rehoming options with friends/family. I had hurdles to overcome before I could consider rehoming her myself.

I love this dog, she was my baby. DH does not like dogs. He listened to me and how I felt about Bella and her situation. Taking her ourselves wasn't a distinct possibility until now. So we've not needed to have a proper chat about it as all the obstacles were reasons not to take her. These have all been sorted, we could take her.

DH has now said he doesn't want to. He says we're on complete opposites about it. I like dogs, he doesn't. I have an emotional attachment to her, he doesn't. He doesn't like the noise, the clattering of claws on laminate, the barking goes right through him, being tied to having to get back to a dog etc. The walks, the extra responsibility etc. I see these as things we just have to deal with and overcome.

He says he'd do it but only because he knows it would make me happy.

He's stressed at work and in general, he's been pretty miserable lately as a whole.

Now I'm in limbo. We wouldn't be taking right away, there would be a transitional period for everyone to get used to everyone and she would stay in kennels until then.

I've asked if we could take her as an interim and see if we could rehome her to someone else but at least getting her out of kennels. And with me secretly hoping DH would let us keep her.... He replied that I wouldn't want to give her up.

AIBU to take her despite DH's feelings?

It was the comment about "especially not the ex's dog" that seemed particularly callous. Or the comments of someone with an insecure relationship perhaps? She's taking in the ex's dog not the ex himself! Nothing to be jealous of. She's not doing it to impress her ex or get him back.. I can't stand my husband's ex wife, but I've sent her a card this week because her dog died just as her son (my stepson) went off to uni and she must feel pretty down.

Glad it has gone well. (She didn't take in her ex's dog, she took back her own dog!)

How's it going with DH and the cat?

For those who say "dog no-ers trump dog yes-ers" - I would agree if it was a new puppy being brought into a home with maybe 15 years of walks, hair and slobber to contend with.

When it is an elderly dog, that has been part of OP's life, and the dog-denier may have (at MOST) 4 years to contend with it, compared to OP's perhaps having a LIFETIME of guilt over leaving her in kennels - there is no contest.

Why shouldn't OP have the dog? We aren't talking allergies or phobias here, just a personal preference. When this dog goes to the Rainbow Bridge, they need never get another, but OP knows she has done her best and also that her DH cares enough to make what is really quite a minor sacrifice.

So we're a week in.... at the beginning it was all hunky dory. Now that Bella is settling in there are some teething problems She is a barker. Bloody hell. And she hates the cat.

I spoke to DH today and said I think we should get a dog behavioursit in. He said no she's a dog, they're supposed to bark but I feel we need some direction and consistency.

She's been out 2-3, at least half hour, walks every day. I have changed her meals from twice to 3 times a day. She goes mental at the smoke alarm, my phone notifications and also the cooker timer. Not good! She will not leave the children alone when they're eating. If I separate them she barks continuously.

I need some help!

Out of interest, have you had a vet do a health check on her? I wonder if her ears may have issues and be part of e barking?

Re the barking while the children are eating, send her to her basket, or make her lie down, every time, then ignore her. If the barking doesn't get her anywhere, hopefully it will stop.

In what way does she hate the cat? It will take time.. My second and third dog chased the cat if they could for a few months. They were told no and the cat could get behind a stair gate. It took time.

You were alway going to be lucky not to have some teething problems.

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No health check as yet, I spoke to her vet and they said she's due one in November so they suggested waiting until then as she's marked down as a "stressy" dog when she's in there, her last check was May.

She was always one for going mental at noises - food blender, hoover, hairdryer etc so it's no great surprise. I'd just forgotten

With the cat, yes chasing and barking. Feel bad for the cat having to hide out all the time.

It is only a week, I think I'm just a bit on eggshells wrt DH and the noises levels - not to mention the neighbours!

Some might think a person who insisted in bringing a dog into the family home when one member of that family does not want to live with a dog was being pretty callous.

Not really comparable...

In one case, someone's preferences (and I stress I'm not counting allergies or phobias here) mean that their DP has the heartbreak of their dog going into kennels, and an old dog removed from a family environment to live out its days miserable in some kennel. That's callous.

In the other, someone is upset at what would happen to their old dog if they weren't to provide it with a home, so they express their upset to their DP, and ask if he'll allow the dog to stay. Not callous at all - just normal healthy communication.

I don't like dogs. That's just how it is. I'm basically scared of them and however much I "get used to them" I just can't feel comfortable around them. YVBVVVU to introduce one to the home.

The dog looks sweet but it's still a pretty unfair thing you did there!

Glad your DH is coming round to her but still VVVVU!

Yes get a behaviourist in, sorting her issues out will make her happier!!!

She's just new, she's settling in. Give her time and yes, ask for help from a behaviourist to learn how to help her to settle. Dogs Trust and RSPCA have materials on their websites that might help.

Imagine you had been moved to a new place, with new people. You don't know them yet. It's all a bit strange. You think it's a good place but you're not sure yet so you're a bit unsettled. That's all. Give her some time.

This weekend was off the scale in terms of her barking. We were all really stressed out with it! Took her on longer, different walks but the poor soul was still so stressed out and also exhausted.

I think it's 2 factors, separation anxiety and the cat. So going back to basics with the cat. I think I was trying to rush it and now she goes apoplectic every time she sees it unless I'm shovelling treats down her throat.

I found a good online resource with lots of videos and instructions so going to follow that and see how it goes. Spent a few hours last night on the site and noticed immediate, positive differences when put into practice. Have been feeling mainly despair over it and yesterday was awful but feeling more positive today which is a bonus in itself.

The cat issue is fixable so long as she doesn't want to eat it. I had a Flatcoat with a really strong prey drive (very unusual) and I never cracked it with her, the cats were protected by baby gates, they could always escape. We lived with it. I'm really pleased you have found some resources and that these seem to help already. The signs are good then. Fingers crossed.

I think you said she has a weight problem - FCs are walking stomachs and you have to monitor carefully. If you feed a dried food then invest in one of the Kongs with a hole in the side and screw on weighted bottom. These wobble when hit with a law and dispense food slowly. You could use this to feed her when the children are eating. I would suggest using her food for training, not treats, if you're trying to manage weight.

Thanks @Catsrus The treats thing was getting ridiculous. And not helping one bit, was just escalating everything.

I think giving her treats every time she's barking is simply rewarding her and training her to continue. I'd stop that. I'd ask her to sit/lie down - distract her/keep her busy.

If she barks when she sees the cat/the cat has attention say "No! sit down!" And fuss the cat again. The barking should not get her extra attention or rewards. If she does sit and quieten, then I'd give her a fuss a minute or two later.

If the vet says she's a stressy dog then you're probably always going to see it if she's 11, it's hard to change at that age. But keep routines and boundaries as much as possible.

OP, someone has quoted one of your other threads on here, and you said she was loud there. I doubt very much that this is a surprise or something you've forgotten about, looks more like something you've not told your family because you know your DH does not like the noise factor.

@CotswoldStrife she was loud but not to this extreme. The main thing I remember was she barked when out in the garden. I had completely forgotten about her stress barking in the house at certain triggers. She did not have such extreme separation anxiety either.

Just make sure you give yourself permission to do the best thing for the dog. Which might not be to stay with you. If you can't resolve her stress issues she will be unhappy. Black retriever X rescue (mentioned upthread) work wonders at rehoming dogs with issues, including fundraising for specific dogs to have rehab if necessary. They use foster homes not kennels. It may be that what she needs is a home with another calm dog or two to play with and engage her brain.

I really hope you can turn this around and end up with a lovely family dog - but, in the end, it's about what's best for her. Fingers crossed.

Today has been horrendous she barks almost continuously from 11am to 4.30pm when DH came home and i took her out again. She came home from the walk exhausted and still started a barking frenzy. DH bought her tennis balls so played with her for a while and I've opened a bottle of wine!

Started training to walk her to heel today as she was pulling all the time and she got it so quickly! Was amazing. Obviously that's in going but she cottoned on really quickly.

But its overshadowed by her barking. It's relentless. She has so much anxiety 1 of my children is petrified and keeps bursting into tears when she starts.

I phoned the vet this afternoon for advice and they said that they have a vet who is also a behaviourist so going to speak to them.

Felt absolute despair earlier but seeing my DH being totally calm and buying her balls off his own back and playing with her had made me feel a bit better.

That's good that you have booked the vet.

She will have some anxiety and separation issues added to previous problems. She's gone from a long term home with a trusted owner who has, as far as she knows, abandoned her, to kennels, where she's just probably got used to, and now to another home that she has to adapt to - all in her old age. She will need time. Could your ex give you any suggestions?

I really think that if you can't work through this, and I say this as a huge animal fan with a house full of rescues, you'd be kinder making a huge fuss of her and putting her down rather than passing her on or returning her to kennels. She's gone through enough. Your husband is being a star though!

She will be in turmoil having been in kennels for so long and now having been introduced in to a strange environment with people and a cat she doesn't know.

Taking her to a behaviorist vet is a great idea, I am sure he/she will be able to help.

In the meanwhile it might be worth trying an Adaptil collar and/or Zylkene tablets for the stress. Also worth trying chews that take quite a while to get through and maybe try training when she is stressed, so arm yourself with a lot of treats and practice sits and downs for half an hour.

Thank you all. I've realised tonight that I think it's anxiety with the children. She has been sleeping since they went to bed. She's fine early in the morning when they're still sleeping or just up. There was an incident earlier with one of my children where i was actually concerned Bella could've went for her. My DD bursts into tears when Bella starts barking.

Tonight Bella had had her dinner, a very long walk, been played with and was still in a high anxiety state. I took her away from the family into a quiet room just us and she calmed right down. One of the children came in and Bella started getting agitated again and barking. As soon as the kids went to bed she curled up and has been sleeping since. She's not slept all day until now.